Yesterday my nephew and I did our annual
October activities. We carved pumpkins
and evangelized our candy for Halloween night.
As usual we read the Pumpkin Gospel, you might recall from last
year the book uses the process of carving a pumpkin to illustrate how God
throughout our lives challenges and helps us to become people of light, of joy
- sons and daughters of God. Lately, I
have been in a very contemplative mood trying to sort some things that at times
give me more pain than joy, trying to figure out the course of action and
trying to truly surrender everything to God without picking it back up when I
lose patience in the wait. I know am
being rather ambiguous- some things even for me are difficult to find words
for. I think every year around this time
I also miss my brother in heaven and my body and mind mourn
subconsciously. Obviously his death has
been such a huge loss in my life, but he left me so much goodness that every
day through my testimony of life I try to live in a manner that would make him proud- and I rest looking forward to spending eternity with him… He was a
really shy, introverted person- I am not even sure if he ever had a
girlfriend. But during those moments of
drunken, mariachi talks he bared his soul and asked me to have the courage that
he never had to live life without regrets.
He taught me that a “no” is better than a “what if.” And to this day God has given me the strength
to put to action my brother’s education especially during those shattering
moments of rejection. To find rest in
knowing the truth as difficult and unwelcomed as it might be, always hopeful
that God will provide according to His will.
In matters of two- I always like to examine
my role since that’s really the only area in my control. I don’t like leading people on- that’s one of
the reasons I don’t have many guy friends.
I am straight forward and as of recent I have no problem demonstrating
that I care, that I am interested because what is a love that hides, that withholds, that lies
that fears? Yet, as transparent as I
think I am maybe I send men mixed signals- that’s what I have been wasting my
time pondering. Am I sending the object
of affections mixed signals and he’s not getting my clear message (that I am into
him and I give him my blessing to pursue me) or is it that he does get them and
he’s just not interested? Serious
thoughts overpower me this morning… I guess that the confusion in these heart
related matters has to do with our communication styles and what actions make
us feel loved - Gary Chapman would attribute these misunderstandings to our
love language.
I have discovered that I
tend to love others usually through actions that make me feel loved. My love language is Quality Time nothing says
to me I love you like someone’s full, undivided attention. Being there for me is critical and quality
conversations- revealing things to me about yourself show me that you care. Distractions, postponed dates or failure to
listen can be really hurtful and signs that you are not interested in
me. I think if I would rate the five
love languages in levels of importance, starting from most significant to least
important: quality time, physical touch, acts of service, gifts and words of
affirmation would be my order.
I am intense- superficial relationships
bore me, even deplete me. I need
substance… Am not sure how this ranting
followed carving pumpkins (smile)… Life
is just short- and after confronting death one learns to value life, to value
others and to understand that we are all subjects of time- and time stops for
no one. My hope is that every day – love
will guide me and though not everyone will want my love (even when my greatest
happiness is to give it) I need to accept those antagonistic wills. I haven’t been very successful in the
romantic side of love, but I have hope that I am getting closer after all
everything of value deserves a good ounce of perseverance…
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