A Glimpse of Heaven

I love this time of year, even though there are more gray skies the atmosphere seems more joyful.  Or maybe it’s because I enjoy the holidays this season brings.  Starting with Halloween, I love the creativity of transforming myself into a totally different character. Then Thanksgiving Day challenges me to prepare a feast for my family, ending with Christmas and the joy of Jesus’ birthday.  All these great days to plan and look forward to. 

Now, as I have practiced my Catholic faith a bit, I also love this time of the Catholic calendar.  I adore getting to celebrate the lives of so many of the saints that I hold most dear, one right after the other.  Starting with the Saint Therese of Lisieux, the Archangels, our Guardian Angels, Saint Francis of Assisi, Saint John Paul II…  This year I realized that a new saint of my devotion also has a feast day during this time of year, Saint John Capistrano.  Since I spend most of my week in San Juan Capistrano, five minutes away from the basilica I have been drawn to his life most recently.  He also happens to be another Franciscan brother (smile).

Divine Mercy Santuary in Krakow

 

Sometimes, if I have the time I will go over to the basilica and just sit in the beautiful church.  Whether it’s before work or during my lunch - I enjoy the silence and the beauty that surrounds me.  Usually there will only be a few people inside the big space – so I feel like I am at a silent retreat and the church is my private haven.  I am fond of these moments because they keep my flame alive.  I have learned that my relationship with God needs to be fed, it requires more than just my Sunday commitment.  It is when I am most involved in godly things that I find the most peace in my life.  This autumnal season being aware of all the saints we celebrate at this time of year has been such an elevation in spirit.  Some days I still find myself feeling quite anxious and blue – but having little distractions everyday that remind me of people who walked in this world choosing holiness and trusting God is extremely edifying.  Today, we remember the lives of two patron saints of cobblers.  I love shoes and the silliness of having not one, but two patron saints of shoes is quite humorous. 

Every morning, I look forward to discovering what other saints made their way into the calendar at this time of year… For now I am looking forward to all Saints Day, to feel like I did the first time that I visited the Cathedral of Our Lady of Angels and stood in the middle of the life size tapestries of the saints- surrounded by an army of godliness.  A glimpse of heaven.        

My Halloween Spirit

I love Halloween. 

I love all the creativity that comes with celebrating the holiday.  After a couple years of my spirit being dimmed by Covid I am ready to bring out the creative juices and celebrate this year.  My desk at work is already covered in candy skulls and spooky garland.  The search for the perfect Halloween costume for both me and Francis is underway.  It’s exciting looking forward to things that have always given me so much joy because these past few months have just been about survival.

From my first Halloween back in the eighties I was hooked. At the time we were dirt poor to spend money on frivolous things so my mom would make my costumes.  As a child, I dreamed of store-bought costumes, especially when my cousin wore a maid’s outfit and hers was sexy while the one my mom made me was historically appropriate.  I looked at her shiny, short skirt trimmed with lace and her off the shoulder top and compared it my puritan style costume.  Same when we wore nurse outfits, mine was straight out a hospital while my cousin looked hot in hers.  I didn’t realize then, that kids also envied my costumes which weren’t just authentic, they were really nicely made.  In high school, I decided that I wanted to dress as Juliet and my mother again made my beautiful renaissance costume, this time I did hear remarks from other students jealously saying that they would never spend so much money on costumes.  The funny thing is that my costumes were homemade specifically to save money. 

Eventually my mom’s intention to remain authentic to the costume was passed on to me and I realized that I wasn’t the type to use Halloween as a vehicle to trampy.  Halloween was a day I could be anything I wanted to be, even a saint!  So these past years I have mixed my Catholic faith and my love of costumes to educate others (including myself) on the lives of the saints.  This year, I am not sure if I will dress as a saint because in years past I used to go to our Fall Fest at church with my nephew- and he’s a teen now too old to participate. Sigh! However, I still plan to dress up to work staying true to integrity of the character that I will bring to life.     

Rite of Admission

Yesterday, I finally had my Rite of Admission in my Secular Franciscan Order!  After years of being on hold, first because we didn’t have a spiritual director and then because of Covid; I felt like I would never leave limbo.  Many times, I asked God if this path was really what He wanted for me because I felt like the longest person in formation.  Yesterday, when I finally was able to take the next step and participate in the Rite of Admission I was utterly joyful.  I felt the giddiness I felt when I celebrated my First Communion!

The short ceremony was so utterly beautiful.  The communal prayers were wonderful.  Afterward, my fraternity gave me my first wooden Tau cross, the rule and a book to continue guiding my path towards profession.  My sponsor showered me with an exquisite bouquet of roses – there was even a couple of delicious cakes!  I was then hugged and congratulated by every member, I honestly felt like my heart would burst in thanksgiving and joy. 

Lately, I have been struggling with anxiety and the communal rite and celebration gave me so much hope, it was just what I needed.  I realized how much I have missed and needed community during these past months and I am so blessed that I have a spiritual family.  Hopefully, we will continue to meet in person and share special moments.  Even though I know my community is pretty awesome, I was still blown away by their kindness and generosity in making my day so utterly memorable. 

The wait made this moment more special (now I know how Saint Clare felt) and I am so looking forward to my profession and finally joining the Franciscans.  

Thrifted floral dress for the occasion. 

Better Times Ahead

I think during the pandemic I have struggled quite a bit and I am sure you have noticed because I haven’t been writing like usual.  I put so much energy in getting the “must do’s” out of the way that creatively I have suffered.  I also tried to switch medications during this time because Seroquel causes weight gain and I thought I was stable enough to try something with less damaging side effects. The new drug that I tried gave me a great sense of restlessness and after a couple months of trying to see if these feelings would diminished – I returned to my regular meds. 

During this pandemic I have seen many people thrive creatively because at home restrictions have given people the time to do things.  Me? I, am just surviving.  Yet, I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I guess for people like me whose quality time is her strongest love language, not being able to see others really messed me up.  However, I am beginning to see more loved ones and to have great conversations and moments that nurture my soul.  My weekly bible study is back in session, my Franciscan group just started meeting in person, there’s more events around my faith that I can start attending and I am back to seeing my faith sisters.  These moments of interaction have been so needed, so healing.  Even so, I still feel quite insecure, but I know that each day I find a little more balance in my life.

In my work, I see a lot of kids with mental disabilities and they are really struggling right now.  Even my coworkers most who don’t have mental illnesses are hurting and I thank God that even though I am bipolar that I am still able to function and help others.  I told one of my kids who has developed quite an attachment to me, that I would be out on Monday because I was going to see a comedian a bit away from my home.  And he was like, “If you are watching the comedian during the weekend why won’t you be here on Monday?”  I laughed and told him I needed a mental day to just relax so that I can be a better teacher.  Last time I was out, he freaked out with the substitute so he appreciated me telling him in advanced.  Being bipolar has given me a better understanding for working with teens with similar issues and lots of patience during this unusual time in education.