Can I tell you something personal? I have been feeling lost for some years now - I’ve had so many distractions that have kept me from taking a deep look at my life. When I was younger I had so many goals, so many dreams and then one day I either scratched them off of my list or they shriveled and died. I find myself looking back knowing that my last day at my current employment will expire on my birthday. It’s this end of a chapter and this beginning of a new year of life that have me feeling mixed emotions. In addition, this time of year is also the anniversary of my brother parting to heaven and I always feel a great shadow of sadness. His death taught me so much and has propelled me in a faith journey that I never intended to take- it’s also a reminder that life is precious, a gift and should be lived to the most complete.
Also, my close relationship with my nephew (as I get to share his beginnings and adventures) have given me this great desire to begin again, to pull out my pen and dream new goals. After much contemplation, I think I want to give teaching another a try. I know that due to my bipolar I’ve failed at it before and it scares me to try again. Nevertheless, as I have helped my nephew transition into middle school I have come to realize that I love that age group and I love the literature that is taught at that level. Though, I am still bipolar this time I am at a different phase where I am more able to control my disability.
I have already renewed my substitute credential so after the layoff I MIGHT substitute for the rest of the school year (unless I find a more permanent job) and then next September look into acquiring a long-term position. I need to renew my teaching credential so that’s another step that I need to take, since I haven’t taught in many, many years the renewal process is a little involved, but I have faith that if this is what God wants for me, He will help the doors that need opening to do just that. It’s difficult to share this because I am terrified of failing again, so I ask for your prayers. In the meantime, I have been praying about it and also coming up with ideas on how to deal with the anxiety and racing thoughts that have plagued me before when I taught. Coming up with ways to deal with the negative feelings ahead of time gives me hope that I will be able to manage my disability and still live the life I’ve always dreamed of. I feel a tug in this direction and I think it’s time to pursue it and see where God leads me.
A Dream Deferred
by Langston Hughes
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?