My Christmas Letter

There was a time when Christmas letters would fill the mailboxes, thus I decided that I would write my very own this year…

Dear Friends,

Time sure has a way to aid us in our struggles and bring with it healing and new adventures. As a kid growing up in a chaotic home, I would tell myself, “in one year this problem won’t be an issue anymore.”  It was my way of finding hope and encouragement to get through the hard days.  As an adult, this past year I relied on that coping mechanism to get through some difficult times.  At the beginning of the year I lost my job and weeks later I had to let my old dog pass on to Assisi Heaven.  While losing my job was difficult, it gave me the opportunity to try my hand at running a small online store.  I always had a dream of owning a vintage store and thanks to my luck in scoring great finds at thrift stores, I was able to make twenty-thousand from what I consider a hobby.  Thus, I made the best of a situation that was out of my control. 

Thanks to the money that I made I was able to take sometime off and not worry about how I would pay my bills.  I was able to spend a couple weeks with my grandma in Mexico and it was one of the best blessings of my year.  After returning from my trip, I began looking for work.  Though at first, I felt like my resume was hitting deaf ears soon I began getting calls for interviews and eventually landed a job.  I don’t remember applying at the school that I was hired at- the whole hiring process felt surreal and I knew that God was behind the entire process.  The fact that I landed a job at a continuation school that works with students who are failing out of high school really has been the greatest gift.  I get to work with small groups of students at a time, sometimes one-on-one and my classes are tiny compared to the traditional classroom size.  This more individualized approach to learning has made it successful for a person with bipolar to have a career in teaching.  I really marvel all the time as to how God found the perfect place for me to succeed in doing something that I love.

In early February I lost my fifteen-year-old companion who made many appearances here on the blog.  I remember waking up crying the days that followed his passing and finding no rest until I received his remains and was able to plant him in our garden.  Dollar was such a great dog who shared so much of my life and it was one of the hardest things to let him go.  After a few months of mourning his loss, I realized that I needed to rescue another dog.  I was in pain and this pain could be transferred into love for another little dog who needed a home.  After stalking animal shelter pages, a friend posted that she needed to get rid of a litter of puppies.  The rest is Francis history!  Though, Francis in no way has usurped Dollar’s place in my heart – loving him has been quite easy.  Everyday, my affection for him grows and though it’s been a challenge starting again with a puppy – I am optimistic about our future together.

Sometimes, at the end of the year people say things like: “this has been the worst year of my life!”  And though my twenty-nineteen has been full ends – through my faith and reading the lives of the saints – I am learning that no matter the hardships there’s always so much to be thankful for.  I am still adjusting to all the change, but looking forward to starting a new year full of expectation for things to come.  Thanks for reading, have a Happy New Year. 

XOXO

On Christmas Decorating

I put up the outside lights last Sunday, just the icicles that go around the edge of the roof.  I did so thinking of dad and how happy he would be if he returns before Christmas.  This December I realized that dad has taken over the Christmas-decorating-partner-in-crime-spot that my brother left open with his heavenly parting.  Dad’s enthusiasm normally pumps me up to decorate, he’s quite the holiday motivational speaker.  It’s not just the fact that I get help with the big project of putting up decorations, but the bonding that goes with the job that musters the energy to deck the halls with boughs of holly. 

I spoke with dad yesterday and he was telling me that the doctor said that grandma can last days, months, even years in her weak state – so my parents have decided to return home for Christmas.  Two of my uncles will stay with grandma, now the siblings will alternate time with her. Many times, in life we are torn between being into places at once and since bilocation is impossible – we have to place our trust in God that He will take care of all of us. 

These past few months have been filled with a lot of change and unexpected events. Yet, there’s always so much to be thankful for- so much light that makes it through the tunnel.  Though, this year I still have to put up the tree, the nativity and all the decorations that normally warm my home- in my heart I am still trying to prepare for the birth of my Savior.  While the outside might not look as festive as it did years past, inside me the desire for Jesus is even greater.  I desire the peace and joy of Christmas and most of all the acceptance of Mary when the Angel told her of God’s plan for her, “May it be done to me according to your word.”

Made in the Eighties

I found this blingy sequin top straight from the eighties, literally some fashionista wore in the over the top era and donated it for someone else to have a little fun!  Though, this year with all the changes that I have had as of late, I didn’t make the time to plan my annual, thematically, fun celebration – I decided that at least my birthday outfit would have a little meaning.  Thus, though the temperatures have dropped in California, to an utterly non-sunny feel I decided to wear my silk, beaded, gold, sequin, vintage blouse and take some pictures before the cardigan went on (smile).  Even when one is sick (just a note away from bronchitis) dressing up can really elevate the mood.  Not sure if the made in the eighties look or just the spoiled merriment that I received from friends and loved ones – or a combination of the two- but not even the flu stole the happy from my birthday this year. 

A couple months leading to my birthday I had the BFF’s asking when I was sending my invite to this year’s celebration and I kept surprising them saying that this year I didn’t think there would be a party.  Am not sure if it’s the bipolar or my introversion, but I have difficulty with transitions.  It takes me a few months to get into the grove of change until eventually finding my routine.  I was just getting used to having a puppy when I got hired working a shift that I have never worked before (quite a distance from home too).  At work I still don’t feel like I have found my rhythm, there’s so much learning taking place – I feel like a sponge that is just absorbing and not yet discovered my place.  I feel like the staff (though extremely supportive) are so different from me.  BUT- I love what I am doing!  I love working with kids guiding them in their path while sharing my passion for literature.  The work I do, makes the daily two hours stuck in traffic, the obstacles with the credentialing office, the school politics and just personal challenges worth it.  With change comes a lot of growth and I think that what I am feeling is just the signs of me growing.

Working a ten to six shift with an hour drive each way has perhaps been the biggest hurdle.  I am still trying to assimilate, which only became more difficult when my grandma got sick and my parents had to go to her, leaving me with a six-month puppy that can’t be left alone for ten hours.  While having a dog walker come in to give Francis a midday break has been successful, I find that once I come home, I can no longer go to my bible study nights because I feel so guilty leaving him crated for a few more hours.  Thus, my days are spent at work or trying to care for my pup.  I know that as I get into the grove of things, I will slowly figure out how to better arrange my day and add my much needed fellowship time; but for now I am just trying to get by.  My weekends also get lost in activity prepping for the upcoming week, thus I feel like I don’t have the time for anything else.  Yet, I know that I usually deal with change, by doing only what is necessary and once I get a handle on that then I begin to get creative again.  So, am ending this year without much thought to birthdays or holidays because I am still just trying to find my rhythm in all the good change happening in my life.  While some people are great with change for me transitions are difficult and I am slow in adapting.  Yet, once I adapt and establish my routine I will add color to my life again taking back those activities that nurture my soul and sharing it with you (smile). So be patient with me. 

Never Give Up

Last night my dog kept me up with a bout of diarrhea.  In the end, I slept on the living room sofa so that he would have access to the yard as needed.  In all honesty, sometimes I wonder what I was thinking when I decided to get a puppy.  Dollar was such an easy dog, so well mannered and peaceful.  Francis is the opposite.  Recently, I started taking him to the dog park and was going into the small dog side, but people began having problems with Francis’ energy.  He loves to rough play (which is normal dog behavior) and owners in the small side felt my dog was too rough.  One owner even told me to take my dog to socialization classes before bringing him to the dog park.  In the back of my mind I was thinking- the park is supposed to be a place for dogs to learn how to play with one another.  My little, black mop is adorable – but quite a handful. So, I decided to take my chances and enter the big dog side after reviewing that small and big dogs are not supposed to be predatory towards one-another.  My risk proved to be the best decision because on the far-right corner I met a group of retired folks with dogs who welcomed by ball of energy.  He’s been baptized Fuzzball by the leader of the group, a lady with silver hair and the most wonderful disposition.  

Owning a dog who’s a little different has given me a humility check, because I previously thought I was the dog whisperer because I had Dollar with the winning temperament.  He never gave me any problems nor were we ever asked to leave the dog park- he was a model dog.  Francis on the other hand has required more attention and even with outside training he still requires a lot of patience.  Though dog ownership doesn’t compare to parenting I can see how difficult parents have it with children with special needs.  They can be judged harshly even if they are doing everything in their power to help their kids succeed.  This week I had a mother (who is an elementary school teacher) sit through her daughter’s class to make sure her daughter showed up to school and worked during the period that she was there.  She’s a school teacher (I thought) and has such a challenging teen daughter who is flunking out of high school.  Most of the kids I work with have different stories, but their common ground is that they are not succeeding in school.  Some have parents that are done- they have given up on their children and I seriously get it because sometimes I want to be done with Francis.  I feel like all my attempts to make him a well-behaved dog go down the drain when I find another item he destroyed or when he bites me because he’s too excited or when someone at the dog park tells me to remove Francis from the playground.

Nevertheless, when I find a group of people where my Fuzzball is accepted it gives me hope that we just have to get through his puppy stage.  When I come home after a stressful day and Francis runs to me with caresses galore or when we go on a walk and I see his giddiness for the great, new world- I fall all over in love with him.  In a similar way I see the way my school gives kids who have been a handful in previous setting, bloom so beautifully and I relearn that no one should ever be given up on.  Not even an immature pup that requires a little time to become a great dog.

Mi Abuela

My only surviving grandparent is gravely ill…  When I was a child just moved to the United States, I would hear classmates talk about their grandparents taking them to the movies or other places of entertainment.  I would hear little girls rave about the new dress their grandma got them, some would even get taken out of school early to spend a day of spoiled merriment. In my little girl’s heart, I wondered why I had been so unlucky.  Why was I stuck with grandparents from the old country who didn’t understand a thing about spoiling their grandkids?  Though when my abuelos visited they would make themselves available to tell me stories of the past, I resented that they couldn’t be more hip- just more American.

Thankfully with age comes maturity. My grandma is a very wise woman who has lived quite a full life.  A life filled with her share of woes, but also with much happiness.  This year I visited her in Michoacán and every day I would spend hours sitting with her in her garden of flowers.  I got to hear stories of my past, stories that dated even before I was conceived and I got such a great sense of where I come from. She’s an extremely Catholic woman, who daily prays the rosary.  When I was in Mexico, I was able to pray it with her.  When she visited California, I would always make sure she got to Sunday Mass.  I remember, one Sunday I took her to Mass with me and right after I had to stay for my RCIA class, so I decided that I would leave mass quickly to drive grandma home and make it to my meeting on time.  As I was trying to rush, thinking I am going to be late, grandma stays put in the pew and says, “it’s never ok to leave Mass before the final blessing.” She has her priorities straight!

The more that I have gotten to know her, the more I realize that God gave me the best grandma.  Every week my dad calls Mexico and she always makes sure to say, “I am praying for Penny for _______.”  She might not give me material gifts, but she’s filled my life with constant prayer intentions presented to our Lord.  Though her body is failing, her mind has always been sharp.  I knew when I visited her earlier this year, that I was most likely seeing her for my last time, nevertheless I didn’t think her end would come so quickly.  My parents are with her now and though we hope that God will allow us more time with her, we are also conforming to His will.  She’s a strong woman who has truly added life to her years, a great example to follow and still the glue that keeps all of us together.  May it be done according to His will.           

On Learning

Learning fascinates me.  When I was in college, I had a classmate that was in his nineties who was taking the history course simply for fun and I thought that’s going to be me when I grow up.  Lately, my life has been taken over by learning, by opening areas of my brain that sat undeveloped during the past few years.  I find myself studying works of literature, refreshing myself on literary analysis tools and my least favorite grammatical rules.  Yet, as unpleasant as relearning grammar- I am so inspired and excited to be back doing something that I am truly passionate about.  A student of mine, with an autistic obsession with Star Wars was telling me how he loves to learn all about the films.  He’s disappointed in how the newer films have not remained true to the original movies.  We were having this great discussion that went into how he has a trait that few people have and that is that he loves to learn beyond the surface details.  He belongs to an online community of Star Wars fans who blog about all the weaknesses in the newer films, so I suggested he do his argumentative essay on this particular subject.  Few people make the time to learn beyond the surface and when I find a kindred spirit, I thank God for placing such a motivational soul in my journey.

This past week, as I worked with students’ I also had to attend a meeting with all the English teachers in our charter in hopes of creating a learning community where we can collaborate and just help each other out.  I also began my Induction Program at Antioch University.  This is my least favorite since I have to drive from my work across the world to get to class.  When I left teaching due to my disability – I was unable to finish the induction process and my credential since expired; making it mandatory for me to do extraordinary steps for renewal.  So, once a month I will have to make the voyage to Culver City until I complete the two-year program to take my credential from preliminary to permanent.  I feel like it’s just a way for agencies to make money because I am really not learning anything that I haven’t picked up as an educator.  I’m finding that a lot of what education is becoming paperwork.  Just looking good on paper and this program is helping me get all the paperwork that the CTC requires for credential renewal.

These past few weeks have been difficult in the amount of activity that now occupies my life, but slowly I am establishing a routine.  I am still amazed at how I haven’t had a breakdown yet and how my brain is actually behaving.  Prayer has been an integral part of this new journey and while I do complain about the long drive to and from work, in a way it’s a blessing because my car is usually the place where I unwind.  My car is usually the place where I pray and where I play podcasts that help my mind focus on God and not on the list of things to do.  Though my mind is great at panicking by looking too far into the future, through daily prayer I am reminded to live one day at a time.  It’s also nice working so close to the San Juan Capistrano Basilica because if I am truly stressed, I just go in for a little face to face with Jesus.  Continue keeping me in your prayers as I do you in mine.    

Halloween: Guardian Angels

I do love Halloween because as Shakespeare so rightly stated, “All the world’s a stage and all men and women are merely players.”  October thirty-first is the one day a year where we can use our imaginations without judgement.  This year, I intended to play tribute to guardian angels.  I bought my dog his wings a few months ago without realizing how much he would grow and I found my self trying to stuff his little body like a sausage into his costume.  Then I had the complication of dealing with a puppy who challenged the costume and taking a picture was like pulling teeth!  I also didn’t have my costume complete, I only had the wings, so I owe you pictures for this year’s costume tribute to guardian angels.

Growing up, I had an image above my bed of a guardian angel walking behind two small children that always made me feel safe.  Every night before going to sleep I would jump into the action of the painting so much so that I had such a concrete image of the bridge and natural surroundings.  In my mind, the bridge made a mousy squeak and all around me was an Eden with the most magnificent greens and music of nature.  The beautiful Guardian Angel with her flowy gown and locks of sunshine made everything safe, though she stood tall behind me, she was really leading the way into the unknown. Even though I have always been apprehensive about new territory in the painting with such a holy angel I sought adventure.

When I returned to the Catholic church, I learned that I had a designated guardian angel, one given only to me by God.  Though, I have the Holy Spirit that accompanies me until the end of time- having a guardian angel is such a consolation.  When I am struggling- usually experiencing inner conflict I call to my angel and ask her to be with me and like in the image that I grew up admiring to walk tall behind me leading the way.  It’s such a comfort and strength knowing that I am never alone, that God in his generosity gave me a celestial being to accompany me every step of my journey to heaven.  In the direst of situations, I pray one of the first prayers I learned as a child (which luckily never left me) and instantly I get the sense that I am not alone in my struggle.  I pray it in Spanish, which is the language I learned it in, and maybe the fact that it’s in the language of my mother I immediately feel it’s comforting effects.

God truly is a magnificent lover, who lavishes us (the object of his affection) with so many gifts that will make clear our path towards heaven. Even sending each of us our own very special guardian angel!

Week Two: Working on the Unexpected

This past week was quite trying, so excuse the tardiness of the post.  After so many years of not using my teaching credential, it expired.  Usually, the hiring district has an induction clear credential program; however, since I work for a charter school, things run quite differently.  Thus, I found myself looking for a private induction program and asking the Commission on Teaching Credentialing for an extension so that I wouldn’t lose my job.  Not many universities have induction programs since districts usually take care of the process, but after some digging around, I found Antioch in Los Angeles.  Now I am waiting for the CTC to approve my request so that I will be in the clear.  It was quite challenging working full-time and on my off time trying to get all the credentialing stuff done.  On Wednesday, I was in the road for four hours in the morning commuting to Los Angeles to enroll in the program and then driving straight to work from there.  Fortunately, I am now enrolled in a two-year induction program where I will have to go to class once a month and meet with other teachers in the same situation for support. 

In spite of all this, it was nice coming home to my pup and getting to see him graduate puppy school after the most insane day of my week.  We arrived to the graduation a few minutes late, when they had awarded Francis the most improved award for changing so dramatically from a frightened dog to a social butterfly.  The teacher administered the test of all that we have been working on and I was afraid that Francis would not pass because he still has great difficulty with waiting.  However, Saint Francis must have been keeping a lookout because my pup passed with flying colors!  He passed all the basic course material and graduated with a big grin on his face.  Now getting him still for a nice picture was not as successful (smile).

It’s been a whirlwind here lately, but as the weeks go by am sure that I will establish a routine and life will gain a sense of normalcy.  This week, I didn’t make it to my Monday night bible study group and I totally felt it.  Though, I am quite busy trying to sort all the new right now, eventually I want to make sure that I do make the time for the spiritual activities that keep me hopeful and sane. I only ask that you continue keeping me in your prayers.    

A Little Nostalgia: Holiday Sweaters

When I was a little girl, there was this teacher that always wore the happiest cardigans so in tune with each of the holidays throughout the year. I used to marvel at each of the clever designs she would wear and I vowed that when I grew up, I would dress just like her.  There was something utterly calming and equally trust worthy in her seasonally organized outfits.  I remember that I constantly found a reason to be near her.  Recently, in my happy thrifting expeditions, I came across the most fabulous vintage Halloween cardigan and immediately I was transported back into that elementary classroom and full of longing for simpler times I purchased it- a nostalgic buy for sure.  The cardigan is loud and probably tons tacky, but I love it and I can’t wait to wear it and begin making that childhood dream come true.  The day I found it, I came home and excitedly tried it on hoping that my enthusiasm would transfer to my mother, but she said it just wasn’t her cup of tea.  Even so her reaction didn’t make me love my cardigan any less nor kill the excitement of the little child within.

The funny thing is that when I try remembering more about the teacher, I can’t get an image passed her cardigan and me tugging at her slacks.  It’s almost like those cartoons that cut at the neck the adults and no matter how much I try I can’t retrieve my elementary teacher’s face.  I just remember her kindness and finding comfort being near her as I took my first steps in a new country.  She allowed me to silently orbit around her throughout the day and would pat my head sometimes when I loving hugged her leg.  I was just beginning to learn the new language so I didn’t talk a whole lot and she didn’t mind the silent companion.  Around her I didn’t have to worry about my accent or be scared of kids picking on me- she was my hero who instead of capes wore the best holiday ensemble. 

It’s funny how an item can transport one to a very specific time.  Am not sure if the teacher knew how much she touched my life, how her thoughtful outfits made her so utterly beautiful and I attracted to her charm survived a time of great change.  I didn’t understand a whole lot of English then, but I sure got her approachable message with her decorative-eighties-bling sweaters.  She tried in every way to engage her students and though the credential program doesn’t have a course on how to dress to motivate students- those Halloween, Christmas, Valentine’s Day… sweaters were quite powerful teaching strategies (smile).  I know I have been a bit disorganized- I have had a lot of appointments trying to prepare for my new job.

The Presence of God

These past few months have been spent trying to tame my black wolf.  If I wasn’t working on my eBay business or looking for work the rest of my time belonged to training Francis.  Am not sure how you enter into the presence of God, but for me a quite easy way is though nature - most specifically though animals.  Recently, when I started taking Francis to the dog park, I would notice how much I gave him courage.  He would venture to say hello to a dog and then run back to hide between my feet.  As his confidence grew, he would go a little farther away, always returning to me if he felt he was in trouble. His trust that I will bail him out or come to his rescue made me think of my relationship with God.  Francis has grown from being terrified of other dogs to wanting more and more to socialize with members of his species.  It just required a little patience, persistence and for him to know that in me he has a pack leader that will keep him safe no matter the circumstance.

In matters of faith I am like Francis, but sometimes not as trustful that my heavenly Father will come to my rescue.  Yet, watching my little guy explore while always keeping an eye on me or returning to me when he felt too overwhelmed made me realize that I need to have that type of relationship with God.  Wherever life takes me, whatever my experiences my gaze must never leave my Creator.  “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,” I shouldn’t lose hope or quit because I have a Father who will come to my rescue.  And if for whatever reason I venture out too far, I can always run back into His protective arms or even yelp and He will come running to hold me up.  Sometimes pride makes me want to do things on my own, but seeing Francis run back to me trusting that I would make everything better made me realize how much God delights when I am small and dependent on Him.

Everyday, Francis and I spend an hour or more at the park.  Sometimes we just walk around greeting dogs in our path and even during these calm walks- I see how thankful he is to be out in nature. He smells a flower, a bush, chases ducks, stops to people watch, eats a dandelion…  Every action is full of excitement and glee and I think that in His way He is praying a gratitude prayer saying thank you God for this wonderful world and for allowing me to enjoy it.  I am almost jealous at how simple He is finding delight in things that I take for granted.  Yet, as I watch Francis' satisfaction in nature, I too thank God for all the things I take for granted and I ask Him to make me more like my little creature who appreciates so much His creation.  Francis helps me enter into the presence of God quite easily and his inquisitiveness along with his trust in me reveal deeper truths about my faith and shows me that God communicates with us in all sorts of ways- even through my relationship with an over-excited pup!  

A Little Secret

I want to let you in on a little secret, I have been made an offer and accepted a teaching position at a charter school in my county.  You are now looking at the (in two weeks) intervention teacher for said school.  The public charter school works with students who the traditional high school setting is not working and works individually or in a small group setting to help kids achieve a high school diploma and prepare them to enter the real world.  I will be working with students and parents who are having difficulty passing high school and I am really excited to begin this new phase in my career.  Am not sure how it will impact my blog as I transition, but I will try to write even if it’s just once a week and maybe change dates, to during the weekend.

What I do know is this: prayer works!  I remembered that a priest once told me to pray in a very specific way when making a request to God.  So, I asked the Lord to please help me find employment by the end of September and though the teaching offer came on the second day of October, in September I had been made an offer that after prayerful consideration I declined.  When I was offered the job that I turned down, I took it to God and asked him to give me a sign of whether or not to take it and He did just that when I was told about the wages – which were extremely too low.  Though turning down a job (even if it’s not the right fit) feels like stepping into a pool of uncertainty – I trusted that God would provide.  I did my part by looking for work and submitting my resume and trusted that God would do the rest.

As I interviewed for the teaching position, again I asked God that if I was offered the job, that would be my sign from Him that I would be able to handle the responsibility even with my disability.  So, I ask you for your prayers which I will desperately need during this transition.  I always get extremely overwhelmed and my thoughts start racing wildly, but since I got the offer, I have had peace in my heart.  I think that feeding my life with wisdom from the saints and scripture has given my overactive mind healthy things to think about.  I also have this new mindset where my job is not about proving that I am a great teacher, but helping students succeed… Any who do not forget me in your prayers.

No Filters

When I think of purity, I, immediately think of sexuality- saving myself for marriage- but in terms of spirituality purity goes beyond physical abstinence.  I was in the confessional, and Father advised me to lead an honest life, days later my Bible study dealt with truth and then I heard a homily on integrity and I felt like God was asking me to focus on purity of heart and mind.  One of the characteristics I value most in others is honesty because I like to give the same in return.  I think the fewer the lies the healthier the relationship and in my associations that’s how I like to lead my life.  Yet, it’s easy to slip to think one white lie won’t hurt… 

Recently, I have had a few interviews and sometimes the stress can be so overwhelming that I jokingly told my parents that I was going to take Francis with me and say that he was my emotional support animal (smile).  When interviewing for a job I find it the most difficult to remain truthful, I want to win my interviewers over, but I want to do so being uniquely me without exaggerations.  Sometimes, though it feels that without hyperbole my simple self won’t do.  I think that’s why many of us lie because we feel like our ordinary self won’t do.  Like without the photo filter we are not good enough- I have even seen parents use filters on their already cute babies and that breaks my heart.

Last year, at the Via Crucis on the beach one of my students took a picture of the sunset along the coast and then she added a filter and she showed me proudly how great the touched up photo looked and I remember telling her that I thought the natural picture was perfect and didn’t need filtering.  Does distorting an image count as a lie? I just know that too much filtering can absolutely have an affect on others.  I have heard of people who are on dating apps being disappointed when they meet one another in real life because they look nothing like the filtered images used online.  Yet, this is nothing new for years magazines have distorted images of women (they elongate the legs, take in the waist, erase the wrinkles…) and only in recent times have some begin to stand up against the unrealistic beauty standards they sell.  A few brave celebrities have also been adamant of not allowing their images to be photoshopped, but not enough to stop the distortion.

Though sometimes I do like to travel away from my ordinary life and jump into the plot of a great narrative- I do believe in living honestly.  Growing up, I always felt ordinary and for awhile I fought to be extraordinary- but as I mature in years, I have come to realize that God created me.  There’s only one of me, I am one-of-a-kind, even if the world doesn’t see me that way...  The writings of Brother Lawrence have only inspired me because they echo the sentiments of Saint Therese: small as we are, we can still be saints- sans filter. I am attracted to people with simple hearts who know their weaknesses and smallness and through that humility God is able to work marvels.  Brother Lawrence hoped that monastic life would make him smart and rid him of his faults and awkwardness only to learn that God was satisfied with Him just as he was.  This revelation, gave Brother Lawrence hope that his ordinary life (doing the most commonplace tasks) could glorify God and that’s just what he did.  When we know who created us, and how much He loves us there’s no need for filters. Ordinary reality is pretty special when there’s nothing to prove, no one to impress only to glorify God in our smallness.  There’s this song that I love that describes the lover trying to do all these things to impress the beloved only to learn that the beloved is the one making the biggest impression.  When there is love - authenticity and realness is what wins hearts.  That’s why to come to God we need to have pure hearts, hearts that delight in the honest truth.  

How I Made Twenty-Thousand Selling on eBay

I have been building a small empire these past months on eBay (smile)… After getting laid off, I decided to try my luck in what a friend of mine likes to call my E-Commerce (laugh).  Though, this little venture has earned me more than twenty-thousand-dollars- it’s hard for me to take it serious because it just feels too silly to qualify as self-employment.  Employment sounds so serious and what I have done has simply turned a disability and hobby into a mad money-making machine (more laughter).  As I have often shared, I am bipolar and sometimes in the manic phases nothing sounds more divine than shopping.  If you’re a faithful reader you also know that I have dealt with this symptom by going to thrift stores and wearing my shopping self out while only blowing a couple tens at most. In my shopping sprees I started finding really high-end merchandise that was not my style and I thought it would be fun to reunite the item with a person who would appreciate it.  That’s really how this all began.

I have been an avid secondhand shopper for quite a few years now.  While to me buying used is a way of life and my small way of decreasing my carbon footprint, I have discovered that buying used is becoming more and more common among people.  Thus, I supply to a growing demand.  Yet, to me this business is enjoyable because:

First, I like to score good deals.  I am cheap, I will search and wait until I find what I want at a price that I want to pay.  To me there’s nothing like the high of finding a pair of Jimmy Choo’s in my size for one dollar or an eighties Louis Vuitton Speedy for thirteen dollars- yes, those stories are real.  I like things with history and things that can grow old and not disintegrate as quickly as fast fashion does.  Usually designer pieces are made to last and that’s why I find things that are still quite wearable and at a price that I can afford and not feel guilty at thrift stores. 

Second, I love to restore, fix or reinvent a purpose for things.  I think I started selling on eBay leather purses that I found and gave a facelift.  While at first, I just wanted to keep things from arriving at the dump too soon eventually the accumulation was too much for me so I also started to share with other deal shoppers like me online.  Soon, I started to see what a nice profit I was making and before I knew it my hobby was paying for my vacations and now, my living as I find suitable employment.    

Finally, I like to take pictures and write descriptions and list my items on eBay.  I do it all with my phone and the process though time consuming is quite user friendly.  My nerdiness helps, because I like to do research on items and learn the history and the creative process of each of the items I list.  This, knowledge has been extremely helpful in helping me list and price things fairly.  It’s also introduced me to other designer brands, taught me how to authenticate and just learn how to tell if it’s a quality item when I am out shopping.  In addition to giving me a greater appreciation for the craft of how things are made.   

Shop, restore, and product knowledge have been what have made my business successful.  Three things that I really enjoy doing; thus, for me to think of the money I have earned doing a lot of silliness seems weird to call it self-employment.  It’s a hobby and my way of saying, “I will not go gentle into the good night” – no bipolar symptom is going to keep me down (smile).  While it’s a lucrative hobby, I have learned that I do not want to do this as more than that.  Right now, I am devoting more time than usual, but once I find a job it will go back to my little hobby and I am ok with that.

Six Years

I have been wanting to write this entry since July, when “In My Shoes” turned 6!  Six years ago, I started this little outlet to write about anything that popped into my head in the AM and though sometimes my thoughts in the span of the life of my blog have been repetitive -I usually try to share the new experiences.  I have been lacking creativity these past few months because I have had so many changes and for someone who thrives in routine – life has been challenging.  Nevertheless, thanks for reading even during my slump…  Since, I started writing this space - here are a few things (milestones) that have happened:   

I officially became a flats over heels girl- Though I still have a great attraction for high heels my new lifestyle has converted me into a ninety-nine percent flats wearing girl.  I no longer go clubbing or party the way I did as a pagan (LOL) – now I usually do things of substance that require lots of walking and have no access to alcohol to numb the pain of the heels. And seriously there’s so many cute flats!

I learned that four-inches is my max heel height.  When I do wear heels (mostly to wedding receptions) I have realized that no matter how appealing stilettos are – I need a heel that I can move in…  Though lately I have discovered that a nice platform or kitten heel can be just as great.

Dollar is now in doggy heaven and Francis is my new doggy here on earth.  Losing the furball that made constant appearances here on the blog was a devastating loss and it hurt immensely.  After I laid him to rest, I realized that I wanted to save another dog as quickly as possible.  I figured two miserable souls could comfort each other, and while Francis has been completely opposite to Dollar in every way, he’s already part of the Penny Clan, we love him very much.

My faith has matured.  I finally feel comfortable being Catholic and practicing my faith as best as I can because my questions keep finding intelligent answers.  Thanks be to God I found a Bible Study Group that I love because the group challenges me to study my faith harder and to get to know God more deeply.  I also, am in the Master Catechist program receiving the same training as aspiring deacons and though my diocese is revamping the program, I am looking forward to continuing my studies when lay formation returns. 

After, having this great devotion to Saint Francis, I began and continue my Secular Franciscan Formation am looking forward to my profession.  I found a great community of Franciscans where I continue to learn the legacy this great saint left for us to follow in our journey to Christ.  My monthly meetings fill me with hope and a desire to continue learning and putting into practice Franciscan spirituality.

I have also been connected with many different young adult Catholic organizations that have helped me find people like me.  I no longer feel like an outcast, but take pride in my Catholic identity.  God continues to place people and experiences in my path that make my faith anything, but stagnant.  I have monthly meetings with young Catholic women and we study our faith while growing in friendship… And I continue to learn how to live my faith in the world and balance friendships with non-believers too. 

In six years, I do see the great changes and am excited for the future.  On Sunday, Father said during the homily that we should strive to live honest lives of integrity.  And I hope to continue being open and true this next year.  I also, will try to be more committed to my entries and sharing not only in words, but with pictures… For now, Happy Sixth Anniversary “In My Shoes” and thank you friends for reading.

The Power of Religious Art

As a young Catholic I always wondered why the Catholic Church didn’t sell its artwork to feed the poor.  Recently, in my Monday night bible study class a mom was sharing that her son, who has fallen away from the church, asked her the same question.  I think when one has been outside the church for awhile it does seem like a reasonable thought, that selling the art pieces will provide income to help the less fortunate.  Yet, religious art has a greater value than monetary.  Many people have come to know Christ through artwork.  I remember a priest sharing that, he had once gone to a retreat high as a kite because he was a drug addict.  When he woke up from his slumber during one of the sessions the first thing he saw, was an image being projected on the wall of Jesus holding a man.  The image was so powerful that he felt immediately sober and being called by Jesus.  This image was his arrow towards a conversion of life and eventually a journey into the priesthood.  He claims that through the image he knew that God loved him, even in the state that he was in and that God’s mercy was so great that it allowed him to see a different life for himself away from drugs, he felt an instant healing and a repulsion towards drugs after that.  Now a fully ordained priest he has the gift of healing.

A couple years ago, I had a student in my Rite of Christian Initiation classes, who has studying art at university.  She said the first time she saw The Pieta by Michelangelo she felt God in such a powerful way.  She detailly described how each movement in the clothing and the expressions on Mary and Jesus transported her to heaven for a moment.  I remember she was in front of the class sharing what she saw in the sculpture and it really translated to the beauty of God drawing her in.  Though, her encounter was through a photograph of The Pieta, she said one day she hoped to be able to see it in person.

When I first entered Rome, during one of my pilgrimages I remember entering Vatican City and seeing the sculptures of the disciples and Jesus up high on the rooftop.  These huge bigger-than-life-three-dimensional representations of Jesus and his apostles brought  me to tears- my heart felt so full.  This powerful feeling of being in the presence of greatness of being surrounded by holy men covered my skin in goosebumps and for a moment I felt like time stopped working and I was in the presence of Jesus in heaven with our Church fathers… Lately, I have been using art to pray with and I have to say that images can transport and activate the imagination to bring us closer to God in a way only art can do so. 

Where are you in the storm?

I know our Church understands the power of art and that’s why it’s so intent on conserving and protecting it.  Its beauty leads us to God.  And while selling pieces to the highest bidder can perhaps feed the poor momentarily - Man does not live on bread alone.  We are fed by more than just the food that goes in our stomachs, and that’s why people travel to religious sites so often to have these encounters with God through the beauty of religious artwork.

Mexican-American

Happy Mexican Independence Day!  Though I have lived in the United States of America most of my life I do feel this great sense of connection and pride to my place of birth and my roots.  They say you can take the Mexican out of Mexico, but not the Mexico out of the Mexican… I grew up in this small apartment community (el barrio) where my neighbors were all Hispanic and right next door several of my cousins. The smells of Mexican cuisine and sounds of Mexican music were ever present as I learned English and adapted to the new culture of the country that saw me grow.  At home Spanish dominated conversations and my parents always advocated that no matter what I achieved in my new homeland that I should always remember where I came from.  I recall many times my parents sharing how they came across Mexican’s refusing to speak Spanish, “You can hear their accent and see the cactus in their forehead placed there from their homeland, but refuse to speak in Spanish.” They would shake their heads and then a “never forget where you came from” talk ensued.

Sure, early in my teen years I wanted to blend in with the rest and like the protagonist of Toni Morrison’s, The Bluest Eye, I too thought that the ideal beauty was blonde hair and blue eyes.  I hated people calling me exotic and just alluding to the fact that I though I grew up in this country my looks immediately classified me as a foreigner.  Yet, at home I continued to hear my parents and brother-in-heaven stress that I needed to be proud of my roots. I continued to celebrate the holidays with tamales, a community bonfire, large family and dancing.  Thus, slowly I made the decision to take pride in the things that I loved.  I began to see beauty in my culture, in my native tongue and in my people. 

Today, I constantly stress the importance of raising children multi-cultural- while it’s more popular now a lot of people still feel like they have to choose one or the other.  I saw this when I taught preschool – the mostly Hispanic parents wanted their children to learn English only- I still see this in the RCIA classes I teach young people that understand but don’t speak Spanish and it kills me.  There’s so much beauty in our Mexican roots in our language, and though for whatever reason we immigrated to the USA we can still be ALL of us- not just the new parts forming in this country- but also our native culture that makes us complete.  My Mexican culture values family and faith – what better foundation as we make new lives in the land of the free.