Thursday, September 22, 2022

First Retreat After Covid

Since I returned to the Catholic Church, I had never experienced a period of dryness like I have during and post pandemic.  Scared of bringing the virus home and infecting my parents, I stayed away from everything except work.  I was watching Mass online, but my religious groups all closed shop and for once I was living life without community.  Finding myself virtual teaching, I had no desire to login to more zoom calls as some of my prayer groups opened back in that format.  After, that difficult first year my introvert side started enjoying being home and I slowly became a content recluse.  This past year, with what seems like the worst behind us and society starting to open up again – I have struggled getting back into my religious community.  I attended a couple times, but then tiredness and a need to be alone win when I think of going out.  Yet, all this time away from like minded people has depleted my soul, I feel like that fire that used to burn so intensely now only embers remain.

As I perused bulletins from various surrounding parishes, I noticed that one near me was having a Women’s Retreat.  I was surprised because this was the only retreat that I had seen since Covid reopening, but the title “Welcome Retreat” was off-putting because I thought it might be for new and non-Catholics.  I spoke with a friend who attends Saint Simon and Jude and she said that the title was not meant to be understood that way, so I signed up.  I knew that I needed something extraordinary to light those embers back up and the fact that I had missed my practice of yearly retreats – I knew this could be a lifeline to Jesus. 

The Saturday morning of the retreat I was struggling with a migraine that had plagued me since the day before and I was under so much pain that I almost missed it.  However, the retreat organizer had been in constant communication with me and I knew that it was being sponsored by the parish, the hotel had been paid as well as all accommodations for me – so guilt made me get out of bed and “just show up.”  I didn’t pack an overnight bag because I was thinking that I would probably not stay because I was feeling physically unwell, but when I got to the Ayres Hotel I was stripped from my cell phone and told I would get it back the following day at the end of the retreat.  My cell phone has never been confiscated before so I was stunned when I handed it over and then when I realized what I had done I knew that I couldn’t just disappear.  I took some Advil and hoped for the best.

As the first person went up to share her talk, I was thinking this is going to be just like any other retreat.  The format felt highly familiar and I was still thinking of the “Welcome” retreat label and continued to feel like there was no element of surprise.  However, by the time the second speaker was done sharing I was in tears because God was stirring those embers by showing what I think was the revelation of this weekend with God.  God showed me that He wants me to have an adult relationship with Him.  He wants me to grow: “when I was a child, I talked like a child, thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a (wo)man, I set aside childish ways.”  With each speaker’s testimony I was blown away by each story, each heartbreak, each deliverance.  The speakers were women (not girls) with mature stories!  That’s what was different, that was the surprise – mature faith.

I was able to participate in the Sacraments. I went to confession after the longest period of absence since I returned to the faith and that culminated with receiving the Eucharist!  We had a small group so Father invited us up to the altar during consecration.  It was such a beautiful, first time experience to be so near during such a holy moment.  Everything else that occurred was just icing on the cake! In one week, I will be heading to my first pilgrimage since Covid closures and I know that because of this retreat I will be traveling no longer feeling like a black sheep, but rather like a sheep who lost her way and has rejoined the flock.  “God is good all the time, all the time God is good!”              

Friday, September 9, 2022

Some Thoughts

When I got laid off from my mortgage job, I asked God that if in my future I was to be a career woman to provide me with a job that I was happy to wake up and go to.  Or that if I was to be a house wife to provide me with a good, Catholic fellow.  Well, when I was hired as a teacher I figured that for the time being God’s desire was for me to work and help the many young souls that come into my classroom.  I made the commitment that my entire focus would be to making sure that I transitioned well into my job, especially after so many tries and failures (at teaching) due to my mental illness.  I had a weird schedule the first year and had to give up my bible study groups along with sacrificing my social life.  Then the pandemic hit and isolation hit the entire world.

Post pandemic, my work schedule changed to a normal 8AM – 4PM schedule and now that I feel like I am succeeding at my job I am more able to focus my attention to other areas of my life.  Though on a daily I never know how my day will go; whether I will have a free moment to gather my thoughts, or if I will be able to take my full hour lunch or sacrifice it to run student council- I am more able to balance work and the rest of my life.  I have become more intentional of doing things for me as I have seen the consequences of just working. While I love my job (minus the drive), I need my Catholic community to keep a healthy mind.  Thus, I am really looking forward to my first trip since the lockdown this upcoming October.

To prepare I am going on a two day retreat next weekend with my local parish.  I am hoping that participating in the sacraments, being around other God loving folks and the talks will ignite the neglected embers in my soul.  Since my reversion to the Catholic faith, I haven’t been this cold in my faith and I definitely don’t want to remain here.  I know for a fact, that my mental health requires both medication and my faith community and these past couple of years that has been quite evident.  Maybe God is trying to show me that man doesn’t live of bread alone.            

Thursday, September 1, 2022

The Honest Truth

Growing up, I had a lot of wishy-washy adults who would say things to me and get me all rattled up only for it to not be true. 

“We will take you to Thrifty’s for ice cream.”

“We’re going to the park for a family picnic.”

“We are taking you to your cousin’s Easter egg hunt…”

“I am going to stop drinking.”

For the most they were little promises because poor people have simple dreams - but even though they were small plans the crush of not meeting the promise was as defeating as a let down of a trip around the world. Or missing the MEGA Lottery win by a number.

Yet, every week I would have an adult who would rattle my heart with promises too soon gone with the wind. 

“We are walking to Bun ‘N’ Burger for lunch Saturday.”

Sometimes with a sense of exasperation I would reply under my breath, “No, we are not,” but on that Saturday I would privately hope that this was the day that a promise would be fulfilled. 

With time, I lost faith in words and promised that when I had some sense of control over my life my yes would be a yes and my no would be a no. I was young, when I realized how your words had to match your actions, especially when making declarations that affected other people.                 

One day, as a recent revert in Mass my mom and I heard the story, about the two brothers who say “yes” and “no” to his father’s request. “Which brother obeyed?” Father asked during the homily.  My mom elbowed me in the pew, “You are like the one that says “no” and then always follows through!”  Usually when she asks me to do something I always jokingly say, “no” first.

I don’t have children, but with my nephew I try really hard to not make promises I don’t intend to keep because I know how damaging they can be. I mean a broken promise cost me to walk away from my faith for many, many years.  So, to say that I value honesty is an understatement. In fact, when I was in therapy I had to learn to not be too honest.  For example, if your meeting your boyfriend’s best friend for the first time who cooked dinner specially for you and you secretly dislike it, you don’t say, “I could have gone without the sausage.” Which is a true story. I did that in a previous relationship only to learn that sometimes the truth needs to be omitted or presented in a more positive way to avoid hurt feelings. Instead I could have said, “I really liked the sauce.”

I prided myself in my honesty because I didn’t want to be like so many adults whose words let me down, but I had to learn that honesty needs to come with an ounce of grace.  Not all of our opinions need to be vocalized.  In my honesty journey, I am learning that honesty requires tactic, because my words cannot raise false hopes, but they shouldn’t hurt feelings unnecessarily.