The Beauty of Reconciliation

It’s always so difficult to go into the confessional with a list of my sins and even more to voice them – to own them in front of a priest standing in for God.  While many have an erroneous view of the Sacrament of Reconciliation – the sacrament really is one of healing.  Even after years of going to confession, the fear of being judged has not left me- but in all the times I have received the sacrament I have never been talked down by a priest.  In fact, the opposite always occurs.  On Saturday, after listing all my sins the priest took the time to encourage me to walk in holiness his words are what I want to share today.

“You are a princess, daughter of the King of kings.  Yet, the kingdom that you are a part of is quite different from the monarchies here on earth.  The way you practice your role as a holy princess is to imitate Jesus, our King.  The more you own up to your princess role the more you'll try to walk in holiness.  Now, Jesus came to serve and as princess you also need to serve and to sacrifice for the good of others.  So, study Jesus’ ministry and imitate him, giving up what is sinful to become holy like him.”

I have often heard girls say I am a princess in the Kingdom of God, but they always say it with pride which makes me not want to be one.  Some, use it as an excuse to behave in a spoiled manner and I find that quite unattractive.  Yet, when Father told me about me being a princess – he never said anything about hoarding that title above others, rather he said it required service and imitation of Christ.  Sometimes we are no different from the bewildered folk that Jesus ministered to when he walked the earth who wanted a powerful leader to defeat the oppressors through great battles.  In the same way, taking the title of princess in the wrong manner can push us away from God instead of towards Him.

Confession, has never been easy for me- I don’t think it ever will be.  Even, after years of going into the confessional and always finding healing- part of me is still afraid of being judged.  Sometimes, I think that my sins are so new or that I am the only that commits them so I am probably shocking the priest when I voice them.  Many times, I wonder if the priest thinks, “that’s a new sin I hadn’t heard that one before.”  Yet, I always pray for courage and after I list my sins, the judgment never comes, quite the opposite.  The priest always tries to encourage me to strive for holiness.  Some priests have a gift for hearing confessions, like the one I came across on Saturday.  He really listened to my confession and didn’t use a formula to encourage me, but rather original words that were so specifically powerful to me and my needs.  That’s why I am sharing this - the Sacrament of Confession is utterly controversial, because sin is becoming relative in our society – but God knows how important it is to have a way for us to reconcile to Him and to our community constantly here on earth.  Yes, going into a confessional is tough, but I am always met with God’s mercy and never His judgement.  He always heals, restores, encourages and points me in the path that will lead me to eternal happiness.  So, as they say - the pros outweigh the nervousness and difficulty.  Our Church tells us that we should all go for confession at least once a year, but I have found that going often is part of the path that will get us to heaven (smile). 

Learning to Wait

I’ve been taking classes at the diocese for the past few years trying to get my Master Catechist Certification, one class away and I was notified that all courses were stopped.  It appears that in an attempt to improve the training the diocese has decided to stop all learning.  This halt will implement new requirements, courses, and teachers with the desire to prepare church leaders more adapt to teach in today’s day and age.  Obviously, the timing couldn’t suck more because I was just one class away from completing my studies.  Now, I must wait until the reopening of the adult formation school to see what other requirements I will need to fulfill in order to complete my certification.  Though, I know that the diocese is trying to better prepare leaders to better form our church it's still quite disappointing to put a halt to my studies. 

I feel like I am in a period of waiting.  I am waiting to find employment and now to complete this certification which I had planned would happen in July.  Sometimes, periods of waiting can be challenging because there’s certain fears that come to disturb one’s peace.  Yet, this is the first time that I can honestly say that I have peace.  Though, I don’t have the things that I want nor control over when I will have them – God has shown me that I can have peace during periods of waiting.  I remember when I was a child, I used to accompany mom everywhere.  We didn’t have a car so most of the time if we weren’t walking, we would be taking the bus.  Waiting for the bus was torture, I used to wait with so much anger while my mom cheerfully sat at the bus stop.  I didn’t understand how she could keep her calm when it had been forty minutes and still no signs of the bus.  While my mind would be full of negative thoughts hers was filled with harmony.  She knew the bus would come and had set a certain amount of time for travel.  I on the other hand wanted the bus to be at the bus stop the moment I made it to the bench mostly because I didn’t want people who knew me to see me sitting at the stop with mom.

I think sometimes in periods of waiting a reason we lose our peace is precisely because we are too concerned with what others will think.  I lost my job and it’s taking too long for me to find another what will people think?  The classes have stopped and I can’t finish the program after almost three years of study what will people think?  In reality- it’s not what others will think that creates havoc, but what we think that does the damage.  In this period of waiting I have come to realize that how we wait is important.  The Apostle Paul, said it best when he said that he knew what it was to have and what it was to want and he understood that he must to content in both.  God is always working in us – even in periods when not much seems to be happening.  I like the imagery of the grape vines how during the dormant season, when to the eye nothing seems to be happening all this energy (behind the scenes) is taking place so that when it’s time to bloom everything will be set in place.  Waiting periods are important because they teach us to wait on the Lord and when one is waiting on the Lord no time is wasted.

Easter Vigil's Encouragement

Happy Easter!  It’s such a glorious time of the year, one that points to our eternal future in heaven.  At my parish, we received twenty-eight heavenly bound souls between the RCIA program for children and adults – just in the Spanish community!  After the three-hour vigil my team and I went out to Denny’s to break our Lenten Fast (our annual tradition) and there we always go over the ritual with much laughter.  We laugh at the mistakes we made and vow to improve on them next year, rejoice at the joy of our new Catholic brothers and sisters and encourage each other looking back at the conversion of our students from the first day of the RCIA program to now.  This year, God was really kind and gave us a batch that was quite easy to work with.  Sometimes we get people that complain a great deal about the way we run our RCIA program (thinking it’s too demanding) and this year we had a group that was always up for encountering God through the various activities we create.

On Easter Vigil the joy in the faces of the adults we worked with for the past year is the greatest encouragement.  For me every Easter Vigil is like going for the first time because each one is so especially unique.  Each year, I get to work with people who come to receive their Sacraments not knowing the great adventure of encounter and conversion that God has for them.  This year two sisters brought her reluctant siblings and both of them couldn’t believe the great work God began.  In one, God built her up from arriving in pieces to our program and to the other He gave her a new heart open to God’s transformative change.  Another student came having the cremated remains of her daughter at home, unable to let her go and through the Via Crucis at the beach she realized that her daughter needed a proper burial.  This woman learned she needed to give her daughter to God, He also reminded her that she still has two other children that need her.  Another student made the three-hour drive from Camarillo every weekend to make it to our Sunday class, a commitment that really inspired us.

Each year God brings in a new batch for us to work with and each year on Easter Vigil, He proves to us that our work doesn’t compare to His work in the lives of our students.  Each year, I say it’s my last as a catechist because I sacrifice a lot to be present every Sunday morning- but each year on Easter He reminds me that my small penance is little compared to the fruits of our labor (smile).     

The Promise of Eternity: A Game Changer in My Life

We’ve reached the climax of Lent, the beginning of the Easter Triduum.  These next three days are the reason that I returned to the Catholic faith.  After years of being agnostic, I finally made the decision to explore the possibility of God based on the promises of His resurrection.  The promise of heaven, of life after death and eternity (with Him and our loved ones) was the reason that I opened my heart to God and finally got off the teeter-totter to explore Jesus’ claims for salvation of the world and my own personal salvation.  Though, I can be a doubting Thomas, there’s historical (secular) evidence that Jesus came into this world and was crucified.  He claimed he was the son of God and died for us on the cross.  Some have tried to pass him as a schizophrenic or a mad man, but studying his life there’s no traces of mental illness.  Thus, the theory that he was mad is obliterated and am left with his ministry of salvation. 

These next three days we live His passion, death and resurrection; yet, unlike the apostles who hid and were unsure until Pentecost we already know that He overcame death and was raised on the third day.  Today, we have it so easy, specially the baptized who have received His Spirit. Jesus, told us that when he left, he wouldn’t leave us alone that he would send His Spirit to be with us in this valley of tears.  Gift, after gift- as if our salvation – our passage to heaven, was not enough He left the most powerful force to guide us in our journey to eternity!

I always thank God that I was created after Jesus inhabited our world because things to me make sense because of Jesus.  To have a God that came down into His own creation, lived, interacted and spoke to us in a language that we could understand is pretty phenomenal. Am not sure how people before Jesus handled death because it is through his promises of eternal life that I found the most consolation, the most hope when I lost my brother and even recently when I lost my dog (I know Saint Francis opens a window in heaven for little creatures) because of Jesus we know that we have an eternal future, that death is not the end - only the beginning to a life with God and all our saintly family.  That certainly is a game changer for me and the leading reason that I continue to follow Christ – because death is not normal- we are made for all eternity!  This Holy Thursday, I accompany Christ in seven Churches not leaving him alone like his own disciples, tomorrow I am in mourning as I live his death and during Easter Vigil my heart rejoices as the bells sound off that He is risen!  And that one day, I too will rise to be with Him in all eternity. Happy Easter Triduum!    

The Lord is my Shepherd

Yesterday morning, I taught on the Paschal Triduum for the first time in my RCIA class.  Usually I spend a good deal of time developing the one-hour lesson incorporating various learning styles to promote better learning.  I am a fan of PowerPoint presentations because I can include images and videos to better enhance the lesson.  Though I walked away from teaching when I was diagnosed as bipolar and have since retired from that profession, I realize that through my volunteer work I have never really hung the towel.  When I coordinated monthly events at Saint Francis Senior Home my ease with being in front of people helped tremendously lead the ministry.  I developed short faith lessons to share with the seniors at the home.  When I was a Confirmation core member, I too had to develop lesson plans for the teens and now for the past six years I have been instructing in the faith formation program for adults.  It is this understanding that has helped me realize that perhaps teaching is possible even for someone who is bipolar.

This past year, I had the flexibility to work from home so I was able to attend a lot of the school events at my nephew’s school.  He transferred to middle school this year and as I walked the halls of his school and saw the walls covered in work from the students my heart stirred with a desire to be part of this atmosphere.  As I interacted with my nephew’s friends, I came to the realization that as a substitute teacher I used to love my middle school assignments.  The combination of getting to experience middle school through my nephew and the realization that I have never stopped teaching put in my heart a desire to return to that profession- but this time as a middle school teacher.

After my trip from Mexico I renewed my teaching credential and I started looking in both public and Catholic schools for open teaching positions.  During this time in the school year there are not a lot of openings available, thus I will most likely need to wait until the summer when the hiring for educators occurs.  With my severance, unemployment, and my eBay business I think financially I will be ok to wait until then.  I actually would prefer to begin at the beginning of the school year since starting so late in the year is quite chaotic, but I am leaving it up to God.  A priest once told me that as long as I did my part by applying God would do His in giving me a job.  Recently, I lost my peace when I saw that there were only three vacancies for me to apply right now.  I was thinking what will people think if it takes me really long to find a job?  Will they judge me as a lazy, procrastinator?  These negative thoughts filled me disturbing my peace until I finally put a stop to it.  I went to God and remained in His silence until I heard His voice, “the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.”  In the words of my favorite psalm- I realized that God is the ultimate provider, so I need to relax, continue looking, applying and God will do the rest (smile).

My Favorite Lenten Devotion

I have been a little scattered brained lately- when one doesn’t have a job it’s difficult to keep an orderly schedule because one has to be more intentional about it.  You’d be surprised how many things I have forgotten or confused these past weeks because I wasn’t keeping my usual calendar up to date.  I also added way too much to my schedule thinking that I would be able to accomplish lots during this period of unemployment and soon realized that I needed to give some things up because looking for work is a demanding task.  Thus, I decided to try the Ignatian Exercises at a later time because with my trip to Mexico I missed two weeks and I really felt like I wasn’t giving it my all.  My days are quite busy between the job hunt and working on my eBay business (post to come on this) fulltime.  One thing that has been constant (though) is praying the Via Crucis every Friday in community this Lent.

Normally for Lent I give things up, but this Lent I decided that I wanted to add community prayer to my season.  The Stations of the Cross have always been one of my favorite prayers because there’s just so much going on.  Every Catholic Church has the Stations inside, thus as one prays one moves along from one to the next and music is usually incorporated.  It’s a beautiful tradition because the story of Jesus’ passion and resurrection is told in a very sensual way.  One moves along from one station to the next, traditional hymns are sung and the images at each station depict a moment in Jesus’ way to Calvary.  This year, I was able to pray it many ways which gave me a deeper love for this tradition.

At my parish, here in California, we pray it every Friday night and it’s followed by a parish Lenten dinner.  The church usually fills to capacity, thus the only people that move are the priest and the altar boys.  Carrying lit votives two altar boys move from one station to the next as well as the priest, the congregation just turns to face each station as we pray and sing accompanying Jesus to the cross.  In Mexico, I got to pray the Via Crucis outside.  People volunteer to recreate one station outside their homes; thus, the group travels throughout the town from one altar to the next.  It’s a good trek and many barrios simultaneously pray the stations every Friday during Lent (so the whole town is united in prayer). At the main parish of the town a group of people also pray the Stations, however here the entire group moves from one Station to the next carrying a cross and switching who lead the prayers.  This Friday, my RCIA group will do the Via Crucis at the beach.  Normally I go early, and set up the fourteen stations from one lifeguard tower to the other and when everyone arrives, we pray it - each student taking part carrying the cross and leading the prayers.

The Via Crucis is a prayer that can be done differently and creatively, I think that’s why I have such a great devotion to it.  It’s one of those prayers that involves all of my being and whether I am praying it outside, in the streets, at the beach or inside my parish it always moves me because it’s so easily interactive.  So, before Lent ends, I encourage you to make the time to pray the prayer of the season at least once.   

Five Hallmarks of Saints

Five Hallmarks of Saints

Slept Little- Among the sacrifices of the saints was nightly discomfort, especially if the deprivation was in the interest of duty or charity.  It is believed that early benedicts didn’t have beds, but mats and were commanded to sleep in their habits in case they were needed during the night.  Sleep is like food some require more than others, I have the difficulty of persuading myself that I require little of each, but saints with facility accepted that they required little.  Saint Catherine of Siena took a short nap only every couple of days and others lived similarly without the blessing of sleep- this is a miraculous privilege like those who lived on the Eucharist alone.   

Ate Little- Prayer, fasting and almsgiving stand as the pillars of Lent, yet saints lived similarly year-round. Some choose a life of fasting – mainly living on water and bread. Saint Catherine of Siena miraculously lived on the Eucharist alone.  This detachment of pleasures is a way to give themselves more entirely to God.

Worked Hard- Saints dedicated their lives to saving souls and this was a twenty-four-hour job.  Each had certain talents and abilities which they put to use to bring God to others. Many founded hospitals, schools and orders to spread the message of God.  Many worked so hard beliving that they would get their rest in heaven.

Faced Many Tribulations- The saints didn’t become saints without much struggle and tribulations.  They suffered great loss, battled serious health issues, were rejected and misunderstood.  They took vows of poverty and worked daily with the people at the margins- they saw the worst of the worst; but never took their eyes away from God.  The more challenges that came their way the stronger their grip on God.  

Are Always Joyful- The saints had tranquility of minds and hearts because they didn’t have disorderly passions, inordinate ambitions and multiplicity of desires.  They were free from worry and anxieties that undermine the repose of the worldly.  They rested having a good conscience aligned with God’s will.  They were also grateful and this constant thanksgiving to God filled their souls.   

Saints led pretty extraordinary lives, not so much by what they had, but by what they gave up.  They lived like it was the season of penance, almsgiving and prayer all year long.  In becoming closer to God, they loosened their grip on worldly aspirations- something quite radical today.  They did simple things, things we can too do to get to heaven that’s why they are such great examples to have and to follow.  Any saint will always lead us to Jesus.

Mily, the Miracle Child

Recently, I was in Mexico and I had the blessing of spending it playing with my grandma’s dog and also with my cousin’s six-year-old Milagros.  Jesus really understood the importance of spending time with children because their innocence can really inspire our faith.  I took quite a few gifts to Mili because she has been wooing my family since the first time my parents met her.  On this particular day we were playing with a toy nativity, she was really into the toy because recently the magi (as is customary in Mexico) had brought her gifts.  The nativity came with a book and we read the story which gave a great explanation for each character in the scene.  As we learned of each character, she would add her thoughtful insight which constantly made me smile.  She had much to say about the wise men and how they brought her a stroller, cookies and other fine gems and she was very interested in the gifts they had given Jesus.

Yet, when we placed the angel on the nativity- she didn’t wait for me to tell her who he was, “Oh, this is our guardian angel who takes care of us.”  I thought it was the cutest thing that she already knew about guardian angels because when I was her age, I was mesmerized by an image of my guardian angel that hung above my bed.  In Mexico, we have a great devotion to guardian angels and this interaction with Milly reminded me of that.  Thus, in my next shopping trip I decided to search for the same image that hung in my room when I lived in Mexico and sure enough the first religious store that I tried, I found it.  My little angel, Mili, reminded me of the great devotion that I had to my guardian angel when I was her age simply because a beautiful image hung above my bed.

Found the exact image I had in my room when I was a little girl.

Mili after school.

Playing fetch with Chula.

Everyday, we would open a new gift that I had brought for her usually an interactive game and one day she came from kindergarten after winning a loot bag of candy and handed me a chocolate bar- I thought she wanted me to open it for her, but before I could she said, “I want you to have this, just because.”  Giving away candy is huge for a child and here was little Mili giving me one of hers! I took it giving her thanks and admiring what a wonderful child she is.

She'd let her hair down because she wanted to look like me.

In Mexico, things are expensive in terms of the salaries people make.  My grandma doesn’t have Wifi so I had to use the neighbor's and that’s the norm for most households.  I think in a way this is a blessing because children still play with toys and with one another, they are not locked to screens.  Little Milagros would come and play with me after school – most days we played fetch with grandma’s dog and then a game with one another.  The day we played with the nativity, was perhaps my favorite day because she told me how she got her name- “I am a miracle and that’s why my parents named me thus.”  Then, when I was called to adult conversation she went over to my grandma’s altar and remained transfixed talking to Mother Mary.  She didn’t throw a tantrum because I couldn’t play with her anymore, she just took her toys and started playing by herself- truly an amazing child, so glad I got to spend so much time with her.

Icon Painting Girl's Night

It’s the best feeling finding a group of holy women to walk with in the journey towards heaven. Even better finding one as creative as Gianna Club, where throughout each month we have a few gatherings that range from a book club to social activities that promote sisterhood.  On Saturday, a group of us gathered to learn more about iconography.  To begin, we had a thirty-minute skype lesson with David Clay, an artist and author that specializes in Catholic art.  His brief presentation taught us key elements of that particular style of sacred art.  He went over the symbolism, colors, style and the differences between painting and writing an icon- and icons and devotional art.  Though brief, his presentation really enriched our Wine & Painting night.

After the background lesson, we began our process of recreating an Icon of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.  We had three hours – which we soon learned was not enough time to complete such a complex painting.  Though icons can look simple because they are usually flat images, simplicity doesn’t mean easy to recreate.  Even though we cheated (by tracing the image onto canvas with the help of carbon paper) all the small details were very time consuming and difficult to do.  Especially the face!  We were all amateur artists and we couldn’t stop laughing at our hubris thinking that the task in hand was possible.  At the last hour we all realized that though the image we were trying to recreate looked easy, in reality it was much more complex than we anticipated.  With much laughter we humbly learned our lesson.

 Sustenance for the journey

 and Inspiration.

 Our materials.

A little bit of helpful cheating.

Final product - I ran out of time and quickly finished the background and just failed at his face.

My buddy was more patient and decided to finish hers at home.

Though none of us will probably be the next big icon artist- it was a great night to meet new friends and to share our faith in such a creative way.  We kept laughing wondering what Jesus thought of us as we ruined his image (smile).