Fearless Love

I am not one who falls easily for men, nor one that is afraid to be alone.  I treasure my independence, value my free time and guard my heart.  For the past thirty years of my life I hadn’t thought of marriage because I was so satisfied in my single vocation.  But when I turned thirty I was having lunch with Father and he suggested that it was time for me to start discerning the marriage vocation since we both knew that religious life was not for me.  I moved church communities, joined a young adult group went on a singles cruise and slowly I began to crave a husband and a family.  As my nephew grew in age and our conversations became more intelligible I began to want my own little person to mold and to care for.  As I found men in church that I was attracted to who held similar values and lifestyles to mine I began to put my guard down.  Slowly I began to understand that while I was extremely happy on my own, I craved for the rare intimacy of romantic relationships- and while I found myself surrounded and soaking in love a part of my heart was revealed wanting… Thus, with the same fearless spirit that God has given me I began to pray, to search and to be vulnerable allowing God to fill me with His wisdom as I traveled the path towards my one and only.  Since my previous relationship I have fallen twice for the wrong person and though at first each of these two men looked like the one- I learned that they were not.  While I was left loving them and hurting over the painful rejections I realize that each time I loved better, more selfless and with God ever so present.  And I healed quicker too (smile).

In this journey God has taught me to be more reasonable in my manner of loving.  Showing me time and again that love is a choice and if I have to come across a few "no’s" in my quest- my life will go on.  The two of us (God & I) will be ok (smile).  Now I am better at not making excuses when I don’t hear from the object of my affections. I am no longer left waiting making excuses for his lack of interest.  He’s not too shy, he’s not too busy, nor is he playing it cool; he’s just not into me and that’s ok because I will always have God.  I think the challenge right now is learning when to let go.  The other day I wrote a post on the signs that she’s into you and I think many of those signs can be applied to men.  I think if someone is interested they will want to be in contact with you and will keep the conversation going and if they are not- then little or no effort will be made.  Yet, sometimes though the big NO he’s not into you is flashing in neon lights I feel like I turn my look away wanting the love I carry to be enough for the two of us.

Beginning & endings in relationships suck!  They are equally painful and so full of uncertainty.  It’s the middle that is worth all the trouble (smile).  How do we make it to the middle? By putting the armor of God and fighting the battles that arise with fairness, reason and with complete trust that as long as God has our hearts the battle wounds we receive will not defeat us.  I know people that have given up on ever finding their one and only because of fear of pain, rejection, humiliation, etc. and to them I say look at the cross!  Loving is not only butterflies and flowers, God who calls himself and is LOVE died for miserable us.  Let’s take courage in His perfect example.  Rejection, disappointment, unwanted-ness sting worse than a swarm of bees, but those painful experiences lead us to the cross.  And it is at the cross that we are molded into better, more selfless lovers.  My wish is to love all who God places in my path with the type of love that is not afraid of pain especially my significant other. Jesus was fearless, Mother Mary was fearless, the saints were fearless and we are called to imitate all that is good (Philippians 4:8). With God - let’s be fearless lovers always!