More Than a Feeling

Yesterday, I was walking around Mile Square Park with my close friend and we started talking about our spirituality. 

“Lately, I haven’t been feeling like performing any of my spiritual commitments,” I began.  “I’ve been going to adoration and having difficulty concentrating and sometimes I leave the chapel feeling worse than when I went in. Finally last night, I was so tired of feeling so distant from God,” I continued, “that in the middle of the night I jumped out of bed and started talking to Jesus.  I told Him this has to stop, I’m tired of feeling so distant from you, I will go to confession later in the week, but for now I am going to apologize and repent for everything and clear the air.  Then guess what happened?  A light went off in my brain and I realized what is happening! God & I, our relationship is maturing… That crazy, madly in-love honeymoon stage is over! God is inviting me to have an adult relationship with Him.  One in which I am not always going to feel like doing the right things, but I still must do them - sacrificial love!”  (EUREKA)

My nephew caught me writing!

Scientist believe that when people fall in love - that giddiness, racing heart, flushed skin, sweaty palms, mind obsessed with thoughts of the significant other are a result of the brain releasing higher levels of Dopamine (the pleasure chemical).   In time, as the relationship progresses, the brain gets back to its normal levels of brain chemistry and people at this point have two ways of reacting. One, they realize that the excited feelings are gone and that must mean they are no longer in love.  Or two, that honeymoon period of the relationship is over, but love is more than a feeling, thus they must press on.

 A rose from dad's garden.

It’s difficult to do things when there's no instant gratification (usually I procrastinate), but when I am doing things out of love for another I eventually get to it…  I think of my mom, how she sacrificed a career to be a stay at home mom.  How she cooks, cleans the house, does laundry among a million other house chores – yet she does it all with the utter most happiness.  In my naiveté I believed she did everything because she HAD to, but now I know it’s been her choice all along –all those actions are expressions of love.  Love is the most present in ordinary tasks so much so that an untrained eye tends to dismiss it!  

Mami in her element.

Movies & Theatre O My!

This past weekend I had to work on Saturday (boo), I just started a new position and for a little bit my life will be more hectic than usual.  Thus, I opted for a relaxed weekend and rented The Great Gatsby to watch Friday night.  I have a weakness for period pieces and for remakes of literary classics, and I  guess that makes me a tough critic on certain films.  While I never really had strong feelings for the novel, the movie itself was better than I expected, though I wouldn't watch it again...  The costumes were amazing and the scenery a true fairy tale, but the musical score killed it for me.  I have nothing against Jay Z, but rap and hip-hop in an adaptation of a mid-twenties movie - not a successful mixture in my opinion.

On Saturday afternoon my coworkers and I, headed to The Attic Theatre to watch HMS Pinafore and again I wasn't impressed.  I think it's the one of the worst plays that I have seen in awhile.  At least the company was awesome (smile).  After the play we went out to dinner and had some great, girlie conversations.  That was the best part of the evening having some girl time.  

Now to finish the weekend, it's 'Suit Up Sunday" for myself and the teens.  Once in awhile we like dressing to the nines for Jesus (Sunday Mass) and then having Life Night in our Sunday's best.  Happy Sunday!

Ordinary Life

When I was in elementary I used to love to read biographies of Civil Rights Activists like Martin Luther King Jr., Frederick Douglas, and Malcolm X… I was fascinated by their passion and courage to stand up for what is humanly right.  They were my heroes – at times I even allowed myself to dream of one day having my own cause and fighting vigorously for it… When I started reading the Bible; and, learning about the biblical heroes, again I envisioned myself crusading for my faith in foreign countries doing valiant missionary work.  I waited for the day when God would send me to battle and I would victoriously defeat evil in the name of love…

As any good soldier, I prepared: reading scripture, spiritual books, going to confession, attending mass and enrolling in biblical courses.  But the call never came. 

My dog being his best!

Recently, I discovered that God has given me a mission, but it requires little travel and no tremendous exploit.  “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much…” Every day I must love those who God has given me (as my lot) and I must do it exceptionally well.  In the ordinary tasks(like going to work, walking my dog, cleaning the house, washing clothes, doing the dishes…) I found my mission.  For love is an action.   

My sis being the best mom!

All of us have been commissioned to be heroes in our own homes and families.  Take that responsibility and make it an extraordinary adventure! 

“There is something holy, something divine, hidden in the most ordinary situations, and it is up to each one of you to discover it. Our ordinary everyday life, devoid of human glamour, can be a path to holiness.” St. Josemaria

Bad Day

This week has been difficult (and it’s only Tuesday)…Negativity has ruled my mind and I just can’t get out of the funk.   Am exhausted!  I just want to get in my bed and get out of it on a future morning when the day is unblemished and full of promise.  Am so tired of fighting with my mind all morning, chronic fatigue, another characteristic of Bipolar Disorder.  Tiredness comes and visits me a few days a month and it’s such a struggle to function and accomplish daily tasks.  On days like today I feel far away orbiting my body in a haze.

My lifeguard walks on water.

I wish I could enlighten you with simple techniques, but the reality is that I just press on.  No matter how great the desire to sleep all day is, I put my fists up and fight.  The odds of me winning are better if I have a routine established.  Today, I must work at least eight hours and then I must give my doggie a good walk anything else I accomplish on this day will be a small miracle.

Little Guys that always make me smile.

Usually a period of fatigue follows a manic stage.  It’s really your body crashing after a period of much activity and little sleep. Thus, one needs to take the time to catch-up on sleep and allow the body to recover from the frantic time. Since treatment the symptoms between manic and depressive have lessened, but it’s still a battle to focus on “truth” rather than “feeling.” 

Jorge Drexler - Al Otro Lado del Rio

In addition to the low energy, depressive thoughts overwhelm my mind. I have found success in confronting these feelings with reality.  Like today, I was feeling terribly insecure so much so that even changing lanes 0n the freeway required more concentration than usual.  I felt like talking to no one and desperately wanting to be invisible so that I wouldn’t have to acknowledge anyone in my path. These were all negative coping mechanisms to the self-doubt and insignificance that overpowered my mind.  So, I stopped and confronted these lies that my mind was focusing on and attacked them with God’s truth. I am beautifully made and worth so much so that Jesus became man, died and overcame death for me - even on days when it doesn’t feel like it! He loves me and that is enough. Press on, rema, rema, rema-a… (smile)   

Weekender

I am still exhausted from the weekend…  On Saturday morning, I helped out at our Annual Parish Festival (at the book booth).  I think I ended buying more than I actually sold!  In addition to shoes I love books!  I am not technologically savvy so I prefer paperbacks, even though they occupy too much space.  It’s tough finding used Catholic books, but I found a couple on Saturday (wohoo).  I am going to be giving a talk to confirmation students on “The Mass” and I found a book that might help me with that and one solely on confirmation (am excited)!  

  

Every year on a Saturday in September our parish hosts “September Fest” which includes games, shopping, live entertainment and delicious, cultural food.  It’s a great way to have fun and raise funds for the parish. 

On Sunday, I headed to the Lyceum Theatre to enjoy Narnia.  I love supporting community theatre and tend to go to many plays during the year.  This was my second performance at the Vanguard University Theatre and overall it was a swell production.  The students really did an impressive job on the costumes and the make-up! 

         

After so much fun, now I need a day off to recuperate (wink). 

New Beginnings

Baby showers are always bittersweet occasions in my mind; it's at moments like these when I reflect on how some babies are anxiously and lovingly waited for - while many others are unwanted.

The cute cake!

On Saturday, I helped my close friend host a baby shower for her first little bundle of joy and this little guy is one of the fortunate.  From the moment the parents found out they were expecting they were head-over-heels in love with the tiny creature growing slowly inside.  I always marvel at how wise God is... Every pregnant mother (and father) have to wait over nine months to receive their babe.  During this time they prepare for the great change that is happening and will forever continue once the baby arrives.  

Creative grandma made the fruit baby.

Waiting... I don't think many people enjoy the waiting process.  Especially, American society, we want it and we want it now!  But parents have no choice they must wait before their baby is strong enough to enter the world.  Throughout the pregnancy they learn about the birth process, attend classes, decide who will be present at the birth, pack the overnight bag, prepare the nursery, etc.  The whole waiting process is a time full of hope.

Who's that baby (SMILE)

I think most of our prayers are like small pregnancies- we must wait for God to answer them; but, unlike pregnancies prayers that require waiting can be very hopeless times.  Unless we look at our unanswered prayers as moments of preparation.  We might not be able to change the process, but we sure can change our thoughts about the wait and in doing so save our peace of mind.      

The Proud Parents

Llegaste Tu

I used to be guilty of always looking for people to love me and the more I looked for love the more disillusionment grew in my heart.  My ex-boyfriend will probably be a saint because he dated me when my happiness depended on others.  Why couldn’t he love me more?  Why couldn’t he show it more? Sure my parents and family loved me, but they were blood relation (that didn’t count) – they HAD to love me.  Love was always on a scale and never weighed enough to satisfy that void inside my soul…  People are always saying they have no regrets; but, I do, I regret not opening my life to God sooner.

“Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.” Revelation 3:20   

There’s this song in Spanish, Llegaste Tu, and it describes the totality of my state prior to God and what happened when I opened the door to God’s persistent knocking.  You see, God in his infinite wisdom gave us directions on how to live our lives (to put it simply). In the Bible, He asks us TO love.  It’s like that saying “giving is better than receiving,” loving seriously is better than looking for others to love you. Take the initiative and love! 

When I started my spiritual journey, my views of love were distorted and the foundation weakly laid.  I was drowned in loneliness and my heart an empty vacuum.  But as God arrived in my life and began to reign in my heart, “I LOVED.” I loved my family, I loved my friends, I loved my animals, I loved my church community, I loved the world - in doing so I loved God… The more I loved the more my heart filled itself with love.  And that beautiful verse that I never imagined I could express became the result, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” LOVE! I beckon and challenge you to give it a try and just love your little heart out!      

It Happened One January

Last January I went on my first Catholic Single’s Cruise – I was really just excited about traveling with like- minded people, nothing more. Yet, God used that experience to challenge my hopes for the future.  Up until that January I really believed that I was called to the single life.  I was happy on my own and was preparing mentally, materially and prayerfully to start fostering children and eventually adoption.  That notion of caring for and loving the little ones that have been discarded by society has always been in my heart.  I figured that I didn’t need a man to commit myself to the mission of loving the unwanted.  But January came and went and God showed me that I underestimated Him…

Our Ave Maria Catholic Singles Group

During that cruise I met so many people, men and women alike that inspired my faith and motivated me to continue my walk with the Lord.  The men though, blew me away! They were what Anne of Green Glables referred to as “Kindred Spirits.”  I think I need to further explain this: I live in a state known for its liberal point-of-view. For example, I went on a date where the man felt the need to express (on our first date) that if we were to continue dating I needed to be comfortable being around drugs because he loved smoking pot!  Maybe that’s why I stopped dating (SMILE).  My friend jokingly said that I had to give him credit for his honesty (LOL).

Some of the awesome People I met 

Any-who, back to kindred spirits…  It’s in the little things.  They showed up bright and early every morning for mass and every evening for adoration…  I am always getting lost (I was born without a compass); one day I thought I had boarded the wrong ferry and one of the fellows overcame his shyness to make sure that I got to my destination safely.  During our short interaction I saw a living Jesus in all of his caring actions.  In that brief moment, God revealed that there are men out there as scarce as they might be that can become my one-and-only if I am open to His will. 

My terrific roommate

During the late nights I had the opportunity to chat with God, outside in the terrace of the cruise ship.  The wind would caress my face and the infinite night consumed me in its embrace.  Throughout these prayer sessions, God in His omnipotence began to reshape my thoughts about marriage.  He began showing me that He always gives more than one can ever ask for.  That He created someone for me and I needed to trust Him.  I began to pray for God to help me hear and recognize His voice and to be docile to the inspirations of the Holy Spirit in ALL of my life, especially this new area (romantic life) that he was asking me to hand over to Him... When in your pride you think that you can’t grow anymore or that God has your all - He swoops in and lovingly shows you that you are a work in progress.  

I guess it's no surprise that I will be going to the 2014 Cruise (God willing).

My Catholic Upbringing

My parents returned from a mini holiday, visiting grandma for the past two weeks, and my mother brought back some old pictures she found in our house in Mexico.  I was super excited about the mementos because childhood pictures of my siblings & I are quite rare, somehow mom never thought of capturing her kids in photographs.  In the small stack she brought back were pictures of me receiving my sacraments and I just had to share!  

My Baptism & Confirmation were celebrated on the same day, when I was but a babe with chunky arms, as noted in the picture.

During Kindergarten, in my Catholic School, I was chosen as Mother Mary for the Christmas play. I was so shy that on the day of the performance I started to cry during the production and everyone thought I was acting Mother Mary’s labor pains so I got a lot of praise for it (SMILE). I also remember having a crush on the kid who played Joseph secret I was going to take to my grave!

 My Communion was such a special day! I remember I was a little over six-years-old, I was so excited about wearing a puffy white dress (even though it doesn’t seem like it in the picture).  My sister and mom prepared me for months for an interview the parish priest administered to see if I was mature enough to receive the Sacrament.  Mom was adamant that I receive the Sacrament and complete my Catholic Rites of Initiation before we moved to California.

Joseph is cute isn't he LOL

I am a girl with an old soul, and I have a passion for vintage and these pictures are my small legacy.  My parents are minimalists, when they got married they didn’t even have wedding bands (they still don’t wear rings)!  I always dreamt of receiving an heirloom that I could then pass on to the next generation, but judging by my parents distaste for jewelry - that’s not happening (SMILE).  But it doesn’t matter because now I have pictures!

Christening of My Blog

When I started writing this blog, I just wanted to get through the hurdle of getting started.  Not much thought went to the name or the look of it because I seriously thought that I wouldn't be able to publicly declare the thoughts that have since been published.  After much prayer, I realize that this is a vehicle I can use to evangelize even if only one reader ever comes across these scribbles...

Blooper: my dog & nephew fooling around as I tried to be creative :) 

Commitment is such a terrifying action in my world, but once I take the plunge I give it my all. So this Sunday, I called my computer-genius friend and asked her to help me remodel my blog. After a few hours she took my vision and turned it into a reality.  Hope you like it!

Debating what to use as my header.

Names are important and thus I went with "In My Shoes" because these are personal narratives of what life looks through my eyes - and I love shoes!  I also decided that I needed a patron saint and believe it or not there's a saint for shoe cobblers, Saint Crispin - (which I thought would be very fitting), but I love Saint Francis of Assisi so he will be my wing man here. Enjoy!

Man Wanted

The other day my friend asked the loaded question: "what are you looking for in a man?"

I started listing adjectives: “Humility, intelligence, caring, generous, traditional, must love the outdoors and animals, mature, strong in faith – a handyman: someone who can build me a shoe rack, that’s important!” Then I laughed because seriously I don’t have a clue.

I’m attracted to “real” men, like the ones that I have been around in my lifetime. For example, my father, he’s always getting his hands dirty in house projects like painting, gardening, repairing… He’s the patriarch - takes care of everyone, is the provider and is the man of the family. He’s earned our respect so much so that we don’t mind following him and seeking him for help. His actions always speak louder than his words. He’s extremely loyal & faithful. His family is his priority and he is utterly in love with mom. He’s a sweetheart – to this day I am his “Chompi” or “Willy” (the baby names that he’s given me all of my life) and my mother is his “honey.”

Dad giving me a big hug on graduation day!

I’m also attracted to intelligent men, the type that don’t mind reading a book or two every now and then, like my brother (in heaven), he and I were the bookworms of the family. We loved getting into theoretical discussions about a bunch of nonsense… He would also accompany me everywhere because we had the same interests in common. I love the theatre, film, books, the outdoors and music.

I don’t want a prince charming because their identity is stripped, not even being worthy of a name (so sad).  I want an imperfect man – but one that is perfect for me and complements my weaknesses.  Someone firm in his faith because I tend to be a Thomas (disciple known for his doubts). And my momma always stressed that the man should make the first move (SMILE) so that’s important.  A philosopher once said that when looking for a partner to share the rest of your life with, the most important quality is to be able to have exciting conversations, because once everything else fades that’s all we will have.  My parents, in their mature age, are constantly laughing, so maybe there’s some truth to that (WINK). 

To be honest, I don’t invest a lot of imagination into my future spouse because I know God knows best and I want His will not mine. But I do believe that He equips us with these invisible antennas that if we hush our lives we can hear the signal loud enough to follow His will…

There you have it... If you know of a man that fits that description send him my way (WINK).

On Humility

There’s nothing more attractive than humility. Once, a pastor asked the following question during a full service, “whoever thinks himself humble, please stand up?” Quite a few people proudly stood up (smile). 

Some good reads & my Saint Francis plush.

 

Humility is so fragile that as soon as you think you have it, poof, it’s gone. Am sure that if one was to go back in time and ask Saint Francis of Assisi (who is the definition of humbleness) if he considered himself humble he would absolutely say no, but we don’t have to travel back in time… Today if we were to ask Pope Francis (who took the name of my beloved saint) his answer would be the same resonating no. It’s not something a person can own up to nor claim because the moment one does - one loses it.  It’s a virtue that is given by our heavenly father. 

My nephew & I being silly!

Yet, it is easily recognizable.  It's so evident in children, that's why Jesus' exhorted us to become like little ones.  The other day my nephew came into my room and had a huge smile on his face, "look tia, this pencil is so huge, it's so cool, right."  He was holding one of those big pencils that my sister found at the 99 Cent Store.  For the rest of the day he greeted everyone he came across with a chuckle and a show & tell of his beloved object.  I want to always marvel at little things, no matter how much I grow-up - may my sensibility to be astounded never fade.  

Saint Francis watching my hairy baby!

 

Today I took my dog on a four-mile walk and I noticed that his tail always salutes the the air and his face is overtaken by a satisfied grin.  Ordinary things make him so happy, like a smelly bush or a fallen leaf in his path - or that taunting squirrel that always makes him launch as if maybe this time he will capture it.  When I come home, he receives me with quite an enthusiastic performance... 

Someday I hope to be as humble as my six-year-old nephew or even my dearest dog.

Pilgrimage for Peace

On Saturday my old parish (Saint Barbara in Santa Ana) organized a pilgrimage to one of the liturgical sites for the “Year of Faith,” Mission San Juan Capistrano.  As, an answer to Pope Francis' call to prayer for Syria and for world peace, at 3pm the Hispanic Community boarded nine buses and prayerfully headed to JSerra Catholic High School where our group of five-hundred people unloaded the buses.  Our parish priest organized the group and we began our one-hour journey to the mission.  As we walked we prayed the rosary, Father read the Joyful Mysteries and a group of young adults with instruments in hand lead us singing hymns after each one.

Unloading the buses

Gathering the multitude

Getting my rosary ring ready.

 

The hour long prayerful procession gave me the opportunity to publicly declare my zeal for my Catholic faith, for prayer and for God while receiving indulgences and praying for the world!  Each step that I took reminded me of the great blessing it is to be an American Citizen and be able to march for my faith peacefully.  At the same time, being lost in a sea of faithful felt like I was in Mexico where it’s typical for pueblitos to have a few pilgrimages during the span of a year.

 

The kids getting their instruments ready.

Father giving us instructions 

Beginning our Pilgrimage

 

We were a beautiful sight to see. Curious crowds came out of their homes to see us.

It was a terribly hot day when we met at Santa Barbara Parish, but just like God provided a cloud of shelter in Exodus, when we started our pilgrimage beautiful cumulus clouds appeared shading us from the sun and a cool breeze accompanied them.  No one passed out of heat stroke because God is good. 

Arriving at the Basilica

Inside the Basilica

We finally made it to Mission Basilica where Father celebrated mass while the sun set.

Sun  setting as we arrive.

What a great experience!