Encounter Christ

“Here I am down on my knees again surrendering all… Find me here, Lord as You draw me near, desperate for You… I surrender. Drench my soul as mercy and grace unfold I hunger and thirst, with arms stretched wide - I know You hear my cry, speak to me now. I surrender… I wanna know You more… Like a rushing wind, Jesus breathe within… Like a mighty storm, stir within my soul… Lord, have Your way; Lord, have Your way in me… I surrender…”  

People who have had a personal encounter with Christ are never the same again.  The conversion stories of Saint Francis of Assisi or Saint Agustin who after living a life of sin and excess leave everything to devote their entire lives to God and the church - or the conversion of Paul the Apostle who on his way to Damascus to arrest followers of Jesus has an encounter with God and from that moment becomes one of the most influential figures in Christianity are some of the greatest testimonies of encounter… On a cold day in early 2005 I had one of my first encounters with God.  My six-year relationship had just ended and I was left loving a man who didn’t want to be loved by me anymore and a couple months after the break-up my brother took his life.  I was the one that found him, the one that called the ambulance and the one that watched him die.  I had just graduated college and had quit three professional jobs unable to deal with the stress.  My undiagnosed bipolar has having the best of me and I suffered constant spells of deep depression to which I self-medicated with alcohol.  Literally, I was at one of the lowest points in my life and perhaps because I was so lost, so dejected, so vulnerable God found the door to my soul open.

It was a Saturday night in Big Bear, fifty of us were confined to a retreat center for a Retreat of Initiation given by an Old Catholic Church that I had just started attending.  It was night two of the retreat and after going through various talks and activities it was time for a night of deep prayer.  I remember it was dark and we were asked to close our eyes and this beautiful music was playing.  It sounded like angels were surrounding me and as the priest came over and prayed over me I had a vision.  I walked through this corridor of green flowers.  As I ran my hands over one side of the flower wall I noticed that I was barefoot because I could feel the wet earth beneath me. I saw my brother dressed like royalty with a crown on his head and this elaborate purple robe and he came towards me.  Then I saw Jesus surrounded by this comforting white light and He hugged me.  I remember that I held on to Jesus tightly and then I felt my brother hugging me from behind so that I was sandwiched in the middle of Jesus and my brother (SMILE).  From the day my brother passed I had asked God for a sign that my sibling was resting in a good place and at that moment embraced between Jesus and my brother I received my answer.

There have been other quite supernatural experiences that God has given me - always to draw me closer to Him and to confound me because He works especially in the areas where reason and factuality are dumfounded.  I share with you my first encounter with Christ- the moment that won me over.  Since- I can’t do no other thing than to follow Him… I surrender.   

Come To Me All Who Are Weary

I have been struggling with the worst case of fatigue this past week (one of the highlights of being bipolar) which means that I have been sleeping more than usual.  Last week I skipped on game one of season two of softball because I was just so exhausted!  I wish I had tips on how to overcome the tiredness, but other than “press on” with the activities that must get done like showing up and performing your job related duties- then rest.  I hate the time when this chronic fatigue overwhelms my life because activities, people and pets suffer.  My dog tends to look at me like come on am ready for my walk.  Luckily he is of a forgiving nature and if he just gets a fifteen minute rather pathetic walk he slides next to me and accompanies me in my slumber.  I try to make it up on days when I recuperate my energy levels, but at times I feel so guilty for my limitations.  The good thing is that I know enough about how the illness affects me by now that I am able to accept the tiredness and the over sleep as necessities during a few days a month.  There are times to fight symptoms and times to just surrender.  My psychologist and I decided to change one of the medications that I have been on because of my weight gain and so far I feel better on this new drug- I have also noticed that my fatigue spells are shorter so that’s optimistic (smile).

Recently I took on two new responsibilities.  One of my best friends invited me to help with RCIA for the Hispanic community this year at Santa Barbara Parish and at my current parish I am helping with ticket sales for our annual September Fest.  Thus, this past month has been a grueling time of preparatory meetings.  Maybe that’s part of the reason I am so tired (wink).  I am sharing this information because if I have commitments in my agenda ahead of time I am more likely –even in states of utter fatigue- to keep my responsibilities.  Though when I do show up my friends notice the change in me.  During periods of tiredness - physically I have no energy to invest in wearing make-up and devoting the minutes I normally do to look presentable.  I usually show up in dark colors, free of make-up with my hair in a bun.  While my physical appearance suffers so does my personality- I am quiet and can become easily irritable.  After years of dealing with these periods of fatigue I can now for the most part deal with the feelings in a more positive manner, before I would isolate myself from everything and everyone.  Now I try to keep my routine and my commitments for the most part- but it has taken a lot of years of practice.  There are still days when I crash, but now I know that it’s not laziness. 

During the periods of low energy I also need more alone time- for I charge my batteries in my moments of solitude.  I have been in therapy for almost a decade now and the experience has transformed me and equipped me with the tools I need to lead a normal life.  My spirituality and faith in God have also been motivators in my recovery.  When I was at my darkest hour in my life, I remember attending Jovenes Para Cristo meetings partly because one of the leaders in the prayer ministry would always give me a tight, warm hug.  Those hugs carried God’s saving and healing power- they helped carry me in moments of devastating frailty…  So if you see me around looking gloomy a hug will help (smile) there's just something so healing in the sense of touch.  We were meant to be hugged, kissed and loved.  

The Giver

When I began taking meds for my bipolar disorder the first time I was diagnosed I remember going from a really emotionally, intuitive person to feeling numb in matter of weeks.  At first I missed feeling sad and eventually I missed having intense emotions.  My ability to write faded too and I became this strange person devoid of emotions and devoid of creativity.  One of the reasons people with bipolar have such difficulty sticking to a medication routine is due to the loss of sensitivity that the medication causes.  Thus, I stopped the treatment and chose an emotional life… Yesterday, I went to the cinema on a date with myself to catch The Giver.  The film depicts this numbness and sedation of emotions- it creates a world of sameness and feelings are controlled with a daily vaccine.  Life in the isolated community is mundane and in a state of perpetual repetition.  While enjoying the film so many different things were going through my head- and a memory of my initial reaction to psychotic medications and treatment for a sadness that had long followed my existence flooded my being.  This great melancholy that lived in me had always been my companion – she had even become my devoted friend.  Thus, when the meds began to kill my depression I stopped treatment.  I fought for my miserable friend- but eventually I had to let her go so that I would heal and begin a healthy mind.  This personal experienced helped me understand the elders in the community of The Giver wanting to control emotions - for emotions can be dangerous without regulation… For over seven years- I have worked on teaching myself to be content, joyful and at peace.  I have labored on turning depression into joy and while I really have to work at being cheerful because sadness comes more natural to me- I am finally achieving an emotional balanced life.  After years, of fighting with the side effects of my medications I am able to write again and am no longer the robot that the treatment initially made me (smile).

Sometimes God speaks to me through art in such a clear voice and He shows me the hope of a life that chooses Him daily.  The movie did an excellent job showing a world lacking freewill and while at first the community appears to hold a utopian society- slowly we see that love no longer exists, nor choice, nor color nor anything that makes life so worth living.  The Giver gives Jonas (the protagonist) what God gives us every day- a sunrise to motivate us to wake up and blessing after blessing as each day progresses.  I am always in awe over creation because God could have made every living species less varied – yet there is so much beauty in all the idiosyncrasies He created! While the big excuse in The Giver as to why everything has to be regulated is so that people don’t make the “wrong choices,” love is a choice.  God could have made us into robots, but as anyone in love knows when someone gives you their heart nothing compares (smile).  He gave us the option to choose Him – that’s pretty magical!  

A Letter on Love

God is so wonderful- a friend I met on the cruise this year sent me the loveliest message as commentary to one of the National Catholic Single Conference posts.  After asking for permission to share some of his thoughts on my blog and getting his approval- I felt that some of his views needed to be stated as help and motivation for all my single friends.  At times I get the greatest desire to be caressed, to hug tightly and to share an intimate bond with a man- for as many of my friendships and blood bonds I am limited in my ways of showing affection.  For example, I can’t walk around holding my best friend's hand, nor can I ask her to caress my cheek – those types of affection are saved for a singular special person.  Sometimes, the desire for those intimate yearnings are so great that they begin to affect my mood and at times they steal my peace and in a moment of self-pity I wonder how long must I wait to meet my significant other… Yet, God is so perfectly amazing!  As I shared with you last week my sentiments regarding the conference God through my friend provided such sustenance.  It’s always nice to get a male view on single life.  Here are some of my friend's thoughts, may they help you as they did me…

 
“Penny, I am grateful to have met you and I thank you for sharing your wonderful experiences. Do not worry...Do not be afraid... Someone will show up when you least expect it.  Here is the key and it's an odd one: Don't tread on I need to find someone now.  The Lord will provide. I say this because I am on a Catholic dating site and since 2013 I decided to focus on growing in my faith and seeking more of the truth and embracing it.  Part of the reason of attending the cruise in January was to get advice from Father and Anthony about when to disclose Aspergers (which I have).  The other reason was to meet single folks like you to know that I am not alone.  During the cruise, I would have loved to have met someone significantly special but I felt it was important to stay in my region and find someone near where I live.

I have been on a dating site over ten years and had a couple of dates locally as a result… I found peace last year that if it’s the Lord’s will for me to meet someone it will happen in His time and He will let me know.  Apparently it is now that time.  I officially have my first girlfriend ever!  We had a second meet up in early August over a marathon two days and it was awesome.  There's that saying don't tell God your plans because He has His own and I would say that is definitely true!  I was set on wanting to meet someone in a 50 - 100 mile radius of where I live- knowing face-to-face is important.  Well, this person is from north St. Louis in Bowling Green, Missouri and I feel like I am blessed right now.  It is early but I see real good signs.

Point being...don't get swept by time clocks, by society, by the I got to get married tomorrow mindset, etc.  Receive the sacraments, go to adoration, grow in faith, know there are others out there like you and the Lord may surprise you.

Also, I think I shared with you most recently that your essays about bipolar and anxiety have inspired me.  I deal with high functioning Aspergers and have difficulty picking up nonverbal clues when someone might be into me (talking about past experiences) or might misread verbal/flirting cues for something more.  I misread stuff like that in the past.  For example, when someone was hanging out and dancing with me at a Catholic function and another time when a friend held my hand at times at the fair.  I thought they had an emotional liking to me and that was not the case.  The fair is not in the safest neighborhood of Little Rock so they wanted to feel safe (hence grabbing my hand).  But flirting I have majorly misread and it has caused problems in the past. As a result, I try not to read into things when meeting people who might want to dance with me. I say this, because people like me may need other cues to hone in on your signals so I ask that you keep that in the back of your head.  The guy should pursue, but some guys (who struggle with Aspergers) misread things and then as a result get really conservative and hold back socially (in terms of showing emotion).  I am definitely making the one who I am dating a very important VIP and am pursuing her as a guy should since she understands autism and has been very clear in her communication even cluing me in on our recent outing.  I know you will leave it in the Lord's arms and I will be praying for you.  Just remember sometimes that special someone will come when you least expect it.”

Your Brother in Christ,

Lud (from The Adventures of Lud)

Isn’t his insight fantastic!  His testimony inspires hope and offers so much good advice.  His tidbits on showing interest, the confusion that flirting causes and keeping a long distance relationship alive make me smile.  And his admission concerning Aspergers is heartlfelt.  I hope that as this letter helped me- may it also encourage you my readers.  God’s love!  

Saint Francis, Pope Francis

I found a book at my local Catholic bookstore a few days ago.  Initially I had made the trip to the store to look for a replacement charm for my dog’s collar (he lost his ids) and I rarely buy “new” books, but the title caught my attention Saint Francis, Pope Francis: A Common Vision – it seemed too good to pass!  On Sunday, in a matter of hours I finished it.  I just loved how it's organized examining five Gospel values (humility, charity, church, peace and joy) and showing how these men apply these truths in their spiritual journey and in doing so portray a very real Jesus.  When Pope Francis was elected to succeed Pope Benedict XVI in March of 2013- I was forced to examine the pope issue that Protestants tend to have.  Prior to that I wasn’t too excited about our church leaders because I didn’t understand their position within the church- at times my naïveté caused me to think that these men stole Jesus’ light.  When I returned to the Catholic Church in 2007 there were many areas that I found puzzling about my faith- but I patiently waited to be taught (in God’s time) about these hot button issues.  Thus, as Pope Benedict abdicated his position - I began to explore who the Pope was and why he was so important to the Catholic faith.  

Obviously, there’s the theological and historical aspects to it and the fact that Jesus himself appointed Peter as our first Pope.  Learning about the hierarchy of the Catholic Church is extremely fascinating and enriching, but the Pope to us Catholics is more personal than a king or a ruler on a pedestal.  He guides the over 1.2 billion Catholic population in the world and he always reminds and points towards God.  In our society we benefit from having leaders – especially in matters of religion and spirituality. 

When I heard that we had our first Pope from the Americas and that he had taken for the first time in history the name of Francis and made Saint Francis his patron saint- I felt like God was speaking directly to me.  Instantly I felt this great connection and love for our Argentine Pope.  As he began his papacy, I began to learn more about him and the more I learned the more I wanted to know him because he was showing me how to actively be Catholic and pointing me directly to God.  His simplicity, humility and his capacity to love captivated me. 

During 2013, God gave me the opportunity to be present at Saint Peter’s Square for a Sunday Eucharistic Service and Pope Francis stated his homily in Spanish.  I remember his words and his voice challenged me to radiate the joy of the Gospel by word and witness in every place I find myself and to form community and fight individualism.  To love and seek God daily.  He has this tremendous power to use language to create emotion and provoke deep feelings- I remember during the entire homily I rejoiced with overflowing tears.  It was one of those happy moments when words are so inadequate that only tears can communicate the joy and beauty of Christ.  He’s the peoples’ pope – becoming so popular to even win the cover of Time Magazine’s person of the year issue.  Though the message he communicates is no different than his predecessors- Pope Francis’ approach of naturally kissing babies and the disabled shows through deeds the simplicity yet power of love.  God truly left us with a beautiful institution and with competent leaders to lead His flock towards heaven.      

Discovering the California Missions

One of the great things about the Catholic faith is that there are so many ways to worship God and still adore Him in an authentic Christian manner.  There are various religious orders, types of worship from orthodox services to really charismatic, cultural and language diversity also incorporate unique ways of glorifying God among other idiosyncrasies. The Catholic faith is like falling in love.  As I get to know my beloved I keep finding more beautiful truths. For example, in California, we have twenty-one missions (today) that were established by Franciscan Friars in hope of evangelizing the indigenous people and inspire a faith conversion.  Though the missions shared the same purpose each one varies in style and size.  The first mission that I had the pleasure of touring was the one in San Juan Capistrano.  In fact, I was up there for a weekend formation retreat (I was a fairly new Catholic) and when I went inside the Mission Basilica for Mass I knew I had found the church I wanted to get married at (smile)!  I returned home sharing with my loved ones that I had found the place I was to be married and boy did my family laugh knowing that I was VERY single- not even dating at the time (wink).

A few years ago I went to Solvang with a couple friends and I got to tour my second mission, San Ines.  Again I enjoyed touring the site and learning more about the Franciscans and Blessed Junipero Serra who founded the first nine missions.  This year, I had the honor of touring two more missions in Santa Barbara and San Diego.  Though I live in California I never paid much attention to the missions, yet this past year I feel a great inclination to tour the rest of the sites.  There are a few more missions in Southern California an hour or so away from where I live and I plan on making the time to visit these blessed locations.  As I mentioned before the Catholic faith is so full and diverse that not even in a lifetime can one uncover all its beauty.  Having so many different facets to uncover and explore makes my faith ALWAYS exciting. “The more I know the more I realize how little I know…” 

Before the conference I was able to tour the first mission ever established with two of my friends, Mission San Diego de Alcala. After touring, getting a history lesson and praying we left the site a little more spiritually inspired.  

10 Blessings of Being Single (Just This Past Month)

Being single is a gift- I think we all have heard that statement before.  That’s not to say that marriage is not.  However, while we are free from marriage- a relationship that entails submitting to one-another, sacrificing time, energy and resources- we singles pretty much dominate our own life.  We can pick up extra hours at work, sign up for a softball team, participate in church ministry, volunteer, spend time with friends, watch that TV show or finish that novel.  How we spend our time, resources and choices is usually decided without the council of another person.  Thinking of what we want and what we yet do not have makes us miss out on the blessings in our lives.  So here’s my list of ten things that I was able to do this past month because I am single (smile).  Thank you Jesus!

1.  I got to attend the National Catholic Singles Conference.

2. I became an RCIA leader and signed-up to help with September Fest at my parish.

3. I took various long walks with my dog to the park, the beach, around the neighborhood and spent time just watching him socialize at the dog park.

4. I got a haircut, a mani & pedi, and bought a new dress – without feeling the need to justify my spending. 

5.  I got to spend time out eating and socializing with friends and family.

6.  I read four books simultaneously whenever I felt like it during the day.

7. I attended our parish bonfire, night at the Angel’s stadium, Courtyard Theology sessions among other parish activities.

8.  I spent hours in adoration during the month and had the opportunity to pray the rosary most mornings.

9.  I watched endless hours of my favorite BBC shows, foreign movies and classics.

10. I took a last minute road trip.

You can’t be happy with someone else if you are not happy alone.     

Catholic Singles Conference Part II

The singles conference brought together a massive crowd of single, young people most with the desire to find a godly spouse and ALL with a common, uniting love for God and the Catholic Church.  Events like these give me hope because as a young woman trying to live a virtuous life when I am around others like me who have made a choice to follow God I get inspired.  To hold events specifically geared for singles with sessions on topics that affect us, adoration, and centered on the Eucharist helps our spiritual growth and gives us confidence that for God all things are possible.  Then adding a social component with mixers, dancing and events held before and after the conference truly motivate one. Personally I had friends flying in from out-of-state and out-of-the-country and that to me was one of the most exciting parts- reuniting with my brothers and sisters in Christ.

While the schedule didn’t allow for much free time nor time to be with Jesus in adoration- time went by really fast.  I had to cut one of my lunches short so that I could go spend time with Jesus in adoration and that brief moment helped me immensely.  My favorite part of the conference was the holy hour we had as a group accompanied by music, prayer and moments of silence.  That hour went by so quickly and nurtured my soul and being - as always Jesus never disappoints.  There’s something celestial, powerful and incomparable in praying during exposition and benediction of the Blessed Sacrament.  My soul screamed, “Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! I need You.”  And I heard Him say, “rest little one he is on his way on his way since the beginning, you two will meet and you will recognize each other…” (BIG smile)

Then there was dancing and I have yet to meet a girl who doesn’t enjoy getting jiggy (hint-hint).  Though the music selection and the DJ in general were not very good – we got down and partied the night away.  Prior to the dance starting we had dance lessons and those were really fun because it provided a great opportunity to meet others.  Followed by freestyle dancing and it was a blessing to see men and women having so much clean fun.  My group as always danced until the last song- keeping true to tradition.  I think dancing provided a great opportunity for people to start getting to know each other because after the dance I saw a few new couples (smile).  Thus, though the experience didn’t provide a hubby for me – I had a grand time with Jesus, dancing and reuniting with my buddies.              

Part One Catholic Singles Conference: Trust in Me

Catholic Singles Conference: Trust in Me

After the singles conference I took a day to let all the emotions and the experiences lived settle and to just rest in the Lord.  Yesterday, I took a two mile walk with my fluff ball, did some spiritual reading and went to adoration.  It was really important for me to write this post in an optimistic light and after the conference I felt extremely nostalgic and blue.  Thus, I took my melancholy to my Papa and began a dialogue trying not to blame God for my unmet expectations and wanting renewal and just a heavenly hug.  The thing is that I am usually quite happy with my life as a single woman, but occasionally I get stressed thinking the biological clock is ticking and growing older alone…  After seeking solitude to enter into God's realm, I realized that the conference brought up a lot of uncomfortable feelings inside me.  Some pointed to areas of growth while others were lies that the enemy was using to make me feel rather sad.

LIES: Something is wrong with you! 

These awful thoughts came over me because I unconsciously believed that since this event (where over five-hundred Catholic singles attended) took place in my hometown it was pretty inevitable that I would meet a potential suitor.  Then after the conference I returned with a few more girlfriends I felt defeated and like something must be wrong with me since no one at the conference pursued me.  I also felt slight disappointment with how the conference was run- it was just so full of activities and we were always running late that down time was cut- and the conference felt like a constant rush.  But getting back to my self-pity monologue – all these negative thoughts invaded my mind and for a while I began to think that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, attractive enough – enough to be loved!   

PRIDE: Going to a “singles” event requires humility!

During the conference I sat at various tables with different groups and I noticed that a lot of us have trouble being vulnerable and humble.  We are afraid to display emotions and show interest in one-another that might be interpreted wrong.  Sometimes we have an air that we are quite the catch and we don’t need to be at these events.  I expected more kindness, more warmth – but at the end I realized that I too hid behind this “political correct” behavior.  There was a man though that danced during worship and was unafraid to be himself and he showed great humility and I admired his ability and freedom to be himself.    

TRUTH: Remain in God!

God promises to reveal His will and our current status is part of His divine plan.  At times I shout like the palmist (in Psalm 13) how long will God forget me?  But God promises to be with us - Jesus tells us that He must leave so the Holy Spirit will come.  And He tells us that He will provide, “ask and it will be given to you…” All those lies that I am not good enough are annihilated in the light of Truth (smile).  Nothing in the conference sessions was new material (everything that we need has been long given to us by God in the Bible and Sacred Tradition) yet, the talks were reminders of the promises of God.  Of His desire for us to give Him ALL of me, to remain in Him and to never allow ourselves to be moved from His guidance nor lose hope because He leads us beside still waters to lie in green pastures for His namesake…    

After a day of meditation I realized that if my family upon my return from the conference had been more critical they wouldn’t have recognized that I had been with Jesus.  I was so involved in my thoughts and the negativity that I pushed Jesus right out.  Yet, yesterday after spending a relaxing day with Papa Diosito I realized that I had a lot of fun at the conference too… And that I will save for tomorrow (wink).     

Be Happy

The Beatles Invade my office.

I love deep conversations yet - if I hear a good tune I get the strongest urge to dance.  Learning about God, Catholic spirituality, literature, poetry, theatre- fascinates me- yet a clean, funny joke is always welcomed.  I love depth, but I also enjoy the light side of life.  Most of the time I am laughing or trying to infect others with my silliness.  The greatest Mexican comedian, Cantinflas, said: “The first duty of every human being is to be happy. The second is to make others happy.” Soy alegre (in English referred to as cheerful)… Yet, if I can be honest sometimes in spiritual circles I find a lot of uptight people who think humor coincides with a less spiritual (even a less intelligent) persona.  Once I was telling this Catholic girl a really funny joke (at least I thought it was hilarious) and she rolled her eyes and didn’t smile once.  She made me feel like I was beneath her and like joking during the week long spiritual event was unacceptable.  Yet, the great Chesterton is full of humor in his highly intelligent writings.  Am sure Jesus too approves laughter and silliness- those two emotions are sure signs of happiness and God’s greatest desire is for us to be happy. 

 We all live in a yellow submarine

The more I seek God, the more I know God, the more I am in Christ the happiest I become.  Pope Francis made this great statement that has been quoted quite frequently; a Christian, “must never look like someone who has just come back from a funeral.”  He was referring to evangelization, but I think it applies to our duty to give true testimony of God and what He is doing in our lives.  Jesus alludes to children at various times throughout His ministry because one thing that is always present when children are together is laughter, humility and good cheer.  I love listening to Father Sergio and Father Angelo’s homilies because they always make me laugh!  Am so glad that God gave some of our priests such a funny sense of humor.  I think sometimes, especially at the beginning of our relationship with God (for adult converts or reverts) we don’t instinctively see an image of God laughing or having a sense of humor.  Yet God is all things good.

Squeeze me!

When people tell me they want to pray for me I tell them to please pray that I meet my husband soon- it always makes them laugh….  That’s why I usually mention that particular prayer request because I know it releases endorphins (the happiness hormone).  I had my small group of teens on a retreat pray over me for that intention and boy did they laugh. Now when they see me they smile… My parents are really funny people they are always laughing and infecting us with their silliness.  They are a pleasure to be around and they attract friends like honey.  When I see their joy or hear them giggling I see Jesus in them.  Thus, don’t mistake silliness and lightness with terrestrial non-spirituality.  Laughter, giddiness, comedy and happiness are all signs of Eden and of our destiny to come.     

Hilarious!

Catholic Single Events

This coming weekend am driving to San Diego for the National Catholic Singles Conference and am super excited because am reuniting with some of my out-of-state friends!  Am looking forward to the spiritual talks, moments with God and just having fun with friends.  Attending these single events is always a great experience when one goes with the proper mentality- that is to enjoy the company of other believers and to give God all expectation of meeting your-one-and-only.  I’ve seen women (at events like these) that are so desperate to meet potential suitors that they ignore everyone and are out like hunters stalking their prey.  Yet, one of the virtues that all Christians must cultivate is patience.  Yesterday, I was having a conversation with baby Jesus and again I asked Him to choose my husband- I want the man God wants for me.  As I talked to Him about my future spouse I realized that if I truly believe that God will choose my husband then it’s all a matter of time- God’s time - and I don’t have to be out desperately looking for my significant other.  He will arrive, he will recognize me and I will recognize him - when God wills it (smile).

My life is beautiful and full of blessings- God provides in abundance.  Thus, as I wait to meet my one-and-only I am working on myself trying to become a woman worthy of my husband to be.  I am bettering my mind with study, am trying to eat healthier, am working on healing psychological issues from previous hurts, am becoming a better lover, a better Catholic- over all a better human being.  I have even signed up for a class to learn how to make cookies and am looking into learning how to cook- so that I can have some of the homely skills a wife requires.  Time goes by, and as I wait for him who my heart desires – I wait actively without losing my peace or my trust in God.

Though, I do understand that at these singles events sometimes one can get frustrated – maybe even feel disappointment like our prayers and actions are not bearing fruits.  I mean I usually end up befriending most of the women since in my comfort I gravitate towards the ones that I am most at ease with (smile).  And I hate small talk am no good at it- which doesn’t help the courting situation (sigh).  In addition, sometimes the men also seem a bit clueless or lack assertiveness in taking the lead in initiating contact with the opposite sex.  Which usually has to do with fear from humiliating or hurtful rejections in the past.  For which I am terribly sorry and would like to apologize right now for the lack of sensitivity we women sometimes express in situations where instead of letting you down gently we step all over you self-esteem.  The thing is that beginnings are complicated- even when events are geared towards facilitating the dating process- we must leave our comfort zone and take a leap of faith - literally! 

I was reading this article in which Catholic men had been interviewed on why they don’t purse and in addition to the fear of rejection, humiliation, women not sending clear signals- another top reason is that in a single’s group - if he has been rejected by a girl already he doesn’t think it wise to pursue another woman in the group.  While I see the honor in trying to avoid causing hurt feelings or gossip within the group by vowing not to approach anyone else in the community I think that with prayer, the passage of time and God’s direction this shouldn’t be an issue.  I think women know how to distinguish when men are just going down the list of single girls.  I also believe that sometimes God opens our eyes to a person that has been there all along… Gosh- I think I rambled quite enough today…