Developing Trust in God

My students, godparents, catechists & church leaders.

Earlier this month I was feeling a bit down over a personal trial, in a moment of courage I asked God to make me a blessing to someone that day.  As I opened my Facebook page – I was astonished by the many cries for help that are broadcasted every single day in this forum.  What really caught me was that people from my parish were hurting so deeply.  This world is full of people in a state of pain and Christians are not exempt.  A lot of the time pain is a leading reason that keeps us from God.  Nietzsche said bleakly, “Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.”  He’s right hope on its own is downright painful- but when you place that hope in God- the impossible is made possible.  Christians have a duty to rise above our circumstances and praise God when the Lord gives and when He takes away.  This is what identifies us from the secular world, that no matter the battle our hope in God is greater…  Holiness requires us to faithfully stand and be not shaken by oppression, illness or trouble.  To have a faith so constant that whether well fed or hungry our hope remains in the Lord.  And the only way to grow in  God is by surviving those trials and tribulations with a smile and complete trust in Him. 

Sometimes pain is the best classroom to achieve godly character.  Years ago when my relationship of six years came to an end, a few days later my grandpa passed away, and a couple months after my brother took his life.  That period taught me that things can get worse quickly and that no matter the depth of the pain God can heal anything.  There’s this great song in Spanish that I love (“Yo Quiero” with Angelica Maria and Vicente Fernandez) - it’s a bit prideful, but there’s this great line where she sings to her beloved, “I lost my mother who I idolized – losing you won’t be difficult.”  The message is that after surviving that first huge loss that marks your life (mine being the loss of my brother) our pain tolerance and experience with hurt matures.  It matures to the point where God is our refuge and if He delivered us before He will ALWAYS. 

This Lenten time is a time to be more generous to the poor.  Usually we think of monetary or material gifts, but, more importantly it's a time to give to the spiritually desolate- to those who don't know God or those who do, but are having difficulty trusting in His promises.  Love is the best ammunition for spiritual battle.  Earlier in the month when I was feeling really beat I told my sister and my mom that I needed a lot of hugs- and whenever they bumped into me they embraced me.  The message is still true what the world needs now is love- but don’t waste your time looking to be loved - be a lover first.  To my friends bitter and hurting take care of the lot that God has placed under your responsibility and trust that while you work for the Kingdom – God is working for the good of those who love Him. God knows your needs and hears your prayers…

Am not sure how I got into these ramblings (smile)- when what I really wanted to share was about how much I love working with RCIA.  Have I told you that I have dual residency- I belong to two different parishes.  The first is my welcome back to the Catholic faith parish where I spent the first years of my formation and where I help out with the RCIA program in the Hispanic community.  The other is where I belong to the young adult group and am learning my faith en ingles (smile).  This is my first year helping with the RCIA program and I absolutely love it!  On Tuesday, we celebrated the Rite of Election and Call to Continuing Conversion.  The ritual was so beautiful- God seriously is the best wooer!  As I too learn my faith alongside my students I realize that no one leaves the Catholic faith when one truly discovers its richness and essence.  In helping shape this group of adults in Christ – I too am being transformed and falling daily more in love with my heavenly Father…  The point is that while you wait on the Lord you can kick and complain or you can trust that He will provide and focus your energy in doing good for others- your choice (wink).

Penance Service

Last night my parish hosted a beautiful Lenten Penance Service and I took the opportunity to confess and get right with God as a beginning step to my Lenten experience.  As I sat and poured my little heart to Father I didn’t expect his positive response.  Before I continue, when I began my spiritual journey I was at an Evangelical church and confession was done between God and I without the need of a priest.  When I returned to the Catholic faith of the many areas of confusion the Sacrament of Reconciliation was one that I was a little iffy about.  I just didn’t understand the Catholic process of confession.  It was just way more comfortable to confess in the confines of my room directly to God, now doing so through the guidance of a priest took a little more effort.  I had to do an examination of conscience before I went into the confessional and I had to learn the ritual.  Still to this day I get so nervous before I go in, but coming out always feels so much better than anytime I confessed by my own direction.  Back to last night- I was sharing with Father that I had given to my despair in the last month and that I had doubted God’s presence in my life.  Then we had such a great uplifting conversation.

“Do you suffer from depression?” He asked.

“I am bipolar.”

“Ah, so you deal with both extremities, the high and lows.  I suffer from depression myself and am on medication for it.  Are you taking your medication regularly?”

“Yes, I am,” I replied.  

We talked a bit more before he  said, “you know this is a cross God has given you, to carry and to humble you. Stay committed to your treatment and rely on God for everything.  And know that you are my sister and I am your brother and I will pray for you.” Then he gave me my penance and blessing.

I felt so special after that experience.  My weaknesses were redeemed.  I never looked at my disability as a cross – in fact I didn’t really see bipolar having a purpose in my life other than it being a great challenge.  But God choose me to carry this cross – He singled me out to humble me.  To help me recognize my creatureliness and Himself as Creator.  A huge smile appeared on my face, when God gives us His vision to replace our distorted point-of-view miracles happen (SMILE). Father’s admittance that he too suffers from depression also had a healing effect in the sense that even leaders of the church deal with psychological challenges.  It’s not a lack of faith or weakness in Christian character to suffer from depression, but trust that God can redeem anything for His glory is essential.      

Love Testimony Continued

One late night, on my way to my cabin, I stopped at the rail of the cruise ship closed my eyes and felt the cool wind caressing my entire being.  For a few minutes I enjoyed the peace of the dark, starry night.  Then my lips began forming prayers and soon I was in deep conversation with God.  I told Him about my heart and about a man that I like.  A man that I felt liked me back, but was too shy to approach me.  I told Him about my attraction to men that normally never pursue me and asked Him what I could do personally to help out- when I heard His voice speak to my heart.  He revealed this hidden pride in me that for years I thought was just my own personal shyness.  In matters of two it’s always good to examine one’s role and that night with God I began to examine my role in romantic relationships before they even begin.  For years, I had been attracted to shy men and I believed that if they liked me enough they would pursue without me doing anything about it.  That God had created this being for me and that he would recognize me as his other half and would chase me until he caught me.  I went on through life thinking that I didn’t have any responsibilities other than to prayerfully wait for my one-and-only.  Yet, God encourages us to act, to play a role in the totality of our lives.  He wants us to be doers not passive robots.  That night, God spoke to my heart He showed me that I needed to show my beloved that I was interested through my actions, not to pursue him, but to help him out.  I heard His voice with such clarity say, “Penny, be loving first.”  As I reflected on those words I realized the following:

My whole life I had lived never showing my emotions when I was attracted to someone because he might find out and not feel the same.  What was really happening was that I was protecting my pride from injury- in the events that my feelings were not reciprocated.  Instead of loving men and forming friendships I stayed away protecting my vanity and fearing ridicule.  True, rejections are extremely difficult, but not fatal (smile).  And if you expect to have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex eventually both need to reveal their feelings.  Thus, I began to love everyone equally including the object of my affections and the more I openly loved the more that I realized that one can never feel shame for having the capacity to love.  Love is a blessing even unrequited love (SMILE).  It’s important for women to show men that we are interested and encourage them especially if he’s a godly man- because he will protect our heart.  If he sees you showing interest and he’s not interested his duty is to not encourage you and vice versa.

Another thing I realized was not to take rejections as if there’s something wrong with me.  If a man shuts my interest down- that’s just God redirecting my course.  It’s easier to not wallow in self-pity when you are confident in who you are.  When you know your self-worth in Christ.  Recently I was rejected and though the experience was extremely painful- trusting God has helped me not surrender to the hurt, but to walk in faith.  God has a perfect plan for my life and His plans are higher than mine.  Seeking answers to those troubled questions (Why doesn’t he like me? What’s wrong with me?), only increases the pain and most likely the answers wouldn’t satisfy anyway.  On Sunday, I came across a verse in the Epistle of James, “Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed fervently.”  I love the initial description, Elijah was a human being just like us, but the key thing about him was that he prayed.  During this time of healing- I have been in constant communion with God through prayer and He has lifted me up.  At times I don’t understand where all this strength in me comes from, but I know it’s not a product of mine- it is God carrying me like He has carried so many before me!

I think like our Pope’s desire for a church that is bruised… I rather a heart that is bruised, hurting and dirty because it has been out on the streets LOVING - than one that is in perfect condition safely stored.  This is where I am in my romantic journey today- a little bruised, but with so much HOPE in the God of Abraham, of Isaac and of Jacob…  That same God that has delivered His people again and again (smile). 

Love Testimony

Love Testimony

I was congratulating my friend the other day for completing a master’s degree, and his response blew me away, “It’s no big deal, degrees are just a way of society recognizing that you stuck with something for a set period of time - anyone can achieve that really.”  He’s right success is just a matter of sticking with something and persevering no matter the obstacles.  All great things require effort, perseverance and sacrifice.  Love requires time, effort and to swallow our pride… Today I want to share with you some really intimate thoughts about my journey in romantic love.  Growing up I really had very little interaction with men, my mom raised us mostly on her own.  My world consisted of my mother and sister.  As I grew up I felt more comfortable around women and I slowly developed a really timid persona around men.  I wasn’t allowed to date until after high school so that continued my inexperience with men, and though I did have a relationship that lasted six years after the break-up I needed to heal and it took a couple years to move on (it being my first relationship and having been for so long).  After that I went on a couple dates that never lead to anything.  Soon, I had the greatest encounter with God and for a few years I was contemplating religious life.  I loved God so much and had been unsuccessful with men that I thought maybe God wanted me completely for Him alone.  Thus, I continued my walk with the Lord filling my free time with study and service opportunities.

One day, I was having lunch with Father and he suggested that I start discerning the marriage vocation, “Penny, you are thirty-years-old I think it’s time to start placing yourself in situations that might lead you to find your husband.”  I was very happy being single and was so busy inbetween my job, my social life and church ministries that his words were almost shocking.  I tried to defend my single vocation and the joy I found in my state of life, but he continued to tell me to just give it a try.  Obediently, I joined a young adult group at a parish closer to home.  I had always worked with the Hispanic Catholic Community so I thought maybe I would try learning my faith in English.  God placed opportunities before me and soon I was active in a young adult ministry in English.  There I met a friend who introduced me to the Ave Maria Single cruises.  She invited me to cruise with her and impulsively I signed up and waited for the day to travel the seas.

During that first cruise – I met so many Catholics on fire for God, who led similar lifestyles and really challenged me to be a better me.  On the last day- I didn’t want to return home because I felt so close to God’s heart and so close to so many Catholics.  On that last day I also met a man who blew me away- he was smart, a strong Catholic, loved books and shy (just like I like ‘em SMILE).  We bonded, but slowly with the realization of our geographical distances (states away) that didn’t work out.  Though, it was a short lived romance I needed time to heal and move on.  Yet, that first cruise and meeting this man caused something inside me to click and I knew that I wanted marriage and a family.  This realization was terrifying because my plans had always been to foster and adopt children and dogs on my own.  This idea of loving the rejected gave me peace and I even had my thirty-fifth birthday as a date to begin.  The cruise challenged my future plans and slowly as I felt more and more drawn to marriage I began to pick books up on the subject…  Since, God has done a lot of healing in my heart and has opened my eyes to the true meaning of love.  I believe that He hasn’t sent my one-and-only because He has been preparing me for my man.

I am definitely not the same person from that first cruise, I have grown a great deal in my spiritual life and am more confident in my faith and proclaiming it.  I have also changed a bit in my interaction with men, though am still quite an amateur and still have difficulty having the humility and vulnerability to show men I am interested.  I don’t have much experience in courting or dating am not sure how things are supposed to go or begin- though I have read many books on the subject am still confused- possibly because I learn through trial and error.  All I know is that I like to take things slow, but sometimes my flowery language and romantic spirit confuses people.  Yet, if you don’t give up on me I won’t give up on you, but you have to make the move because I need to practice waiting on the Lord.

To be continued… 

Love Testimony Continued

Lent Journey

When I was a child in Mexico I used to be terrified of Lent.  The small town that I lived in was predominantly Catholic and during Lent the whole town would come together to celebrate the passion of Christ.  I still recall the anxiety that the reenactment of the way of the cross would have on me.  Seeing a bloody, severely beaten Christ made me want to go hide under my bed.  The sight of the crucifixion and the events leading towards it are indeed gruesome, but full of meaning.  As a child I just saw the gore and felt deeply the sorrow of Lent, but missed the message of redemption and hope.  Today our Lenten journey begins and takes us to Easter.  We begin this liturgical season by receiving a cross of ashes on our forehead along with one of two prayers:

Remember, O Man, that you are dust and unto dust you shall return (Genesis 3:19)

The first prayer helps us understand our mortality and realize our limitations- promoting a time to grow in humility.  “Today we see ourselves for what we really are: weak, limited and subject to many unpredictable events.  We remember that life is not just parties, power, money or pleasure… We are threatened by sickness, trials and death.”  Our lives are full of limitations and false securities – this reflection should help us diminish any sense of superiority we might have towards others.  It’s a time to live in truth- to accept our true selves (as we are) without any masks and to work at being better versions of ourselves.  Sincere humility converts limitations and weaknesses into a source of greatness and self-improvement.  If we are terrible communicators let’s look at ways to improve, if we give up to quickly lets meditate on ways to persevere, if our pride keeps us from loving or forgiving people let’s change….

Turn Away from sin and be faithful to the Gospel. (Mark 1:15)

Lent is a period to start over.  It’s a time of abstinence of giving up certain things that keep us from God or halt our conversion.  While many Catholics give up coke, coffee or some other pleasure- we can also give up anger, gossip or other sins that keep us from living the gospel authentically.  It’s a great time to begin with the Sacrament of Reconciliation acknowledging our sins because this introspection will give us areas that we need to transform.  This will also help us meditate on God’s forgiveness and his natural way of taking us back again and again- always inviting us to begin again.  As we look at our weaknesses we grow in compassion and develop a forgiving spirit that believes the best in others.

As a child I just saw the brutality Christ lived for us. Now as an adult I rejoice and hope in His death and resurrection.  Knowing that God gave us life everlasting by sacrificing His Son as proclamation of His mercy and love is just too much- I don’t deserve it, but am thankful to be loved so much!    

Letting Go

My dog is snuggled at my feet- I just got home from a beautiful liturgy and an hour of adoration - after a morning of prayer my soul is as peaceful as that of my sleeping dog. I have been thinking a lot about the Lenten themes of purification and conversion with Ash Wednesday kicking off this time of transformation.  Though this period highlights the importance of these motifs our daily lives should always aim at becoming better people in Christ. Today, during mass Father spoke about an encounter with God- how all strong believers have had an experience with the Person of God; an experience so profound that signs of conversion and change point towards that moment of encounter. That initial meeting with the Person of God is significant, but in life we don’t have to journey alone nor be satisfied with only encountering God once. During my walk with the Lord, He has met me so many times in my journey that now we are really, really, really close chums (smile). Fulton Sheen says that we cannot love that which we don’t know and falling deeper in love with God requires frequent devotion which leads to a wholehearted conversion.

With Lent beginning this Wednesday, I've been thinking a lot about change and about areas that God has highlighted in my life that need modification. One, of those areas that I need improvement in is letting go. A few years ago I went skydiving and as I waited my turn to jump out from a moving plane- my instructor said, “The hardest part is letting go.” Recently I was thinking about those last words I heard before I plummeted into the vast, blue sky. In life often times we have to let go of things, dreams and people- not because we want to, but because we need to. In order to heal, we have to let go of the pain and the source (even if it’s a person that we deeply care about). We have to take the necessary steps (that at first are extremely difficult) like slowly letting go of that person in order to (little by little) move on. During adoration I asked God to help me let go of everything in my life that is not part of His will for my life.

The popular Christian saying takes the letting go message a step further, “let go and let God.”  I shared with you that there was a man I was interested in and as I reflect on this person that I am trying to let go little by little- I realize that I was always initiating all contact with him and trying to make something happen.  It’s exhausting when in a matter of two- only one person is doing all the work-so now as circumstances propel me forward I am at peace knowing that I tried (fear didn't hold me back). Now it's time to surrender all to God.  Feelings don’t change from one day to next so I have placed my trust in the Lord – may it be His will.  I am letting go…       

Life Goes On

My friend gave me a Peanuts Holiday Book Set and I was reading the one for Valentine’s Day.  In it Charlie Brown doesn’t get any Valentines, yet at the end he shares with Linus that the following year he might get so many that he might need three bags to carry all of them (smile).  Hope after a disappointment can be very painful- it’s easier to succumb to bitterness, sadness and self-pity. At times we even justify our darkness; “I have a right to be sad after what I have experienced!”  Truth is we are people with feelings, and hurts will affect us negatively and we do have the right to cry and be sad; but, if we believe in God and trust in Him- we have a duty to not REMAIN in darkness, but to seek His light.  To remember in the darkness the things we have learned in the light…  To cry and wipe our tears knowing that God has everything under control. 

True, we all need time to mourn to experience and feel the pain.  Grieving is a healthy part of healing, but the thing to remember is that eventually we have to pass through it and slowly come out into that great light that guides us forth.  “There’s a sun coming up in my soul… I see the light- I see the light.”  Even nature speaks of beginning again- every dark night is followed by the promises of a beautiful sunrise.  This week a dream died for me, but sometimes we need to let go to make room for His gifts that are on their way.  Before I would lose my peace looking for the why’s of rejections, but trust in God requires us to be ok not having all the answers.

The first time I opened a Bible, my brother was dying in a hospital room and I asked a God (that at the time I did not believe in) to please give me something to help me and my family, because worse than our personal pain is witnessing pain in those we love.  After this short incredulous prayer I opened my Bible- it landed at the beginning of the Book of Job.  I read the entire book that day.  The language and testimony of so much loss gave me so much hope.  I mean if there’s a man with a legit reason to complain it has to be Job.  Yet, he never loses his faith in God.  Often times in my hurts and losses I have gone back to Job – I mean if there’s a human that can understand pain it’s him.  He puts words to those inexplicable feelings and his words offer ointment for my wounds.  He endures and he endures hopeful.  He just hangs on and goes right through the pain. He clings to God and makes it to the end of his suffering because pain has a beginning, but also an end.  I think Job’s technique is very valuable, he teaches us to face our troubles, to face our pain, to cling to God and to hope and wait for that amanecer (breaking dawn). His trials bring him closer to God in a very remarkable way- pain should push us towards God more faithfully because He is our greatest physician.   

Sometimes as Christians we think that we should never allow ourselves to be sad.   We even feel ashamed to share that we are experiencing inner turmoil and difficulties.  Yet, we are human with the capacity to feel pain.  In fact, in order to overcome hurts and rise above them we need time to experience the hurt, to confront it and say, “I am hurting- but this too shall pass.”  There’s nothing wrong with shedding tears and surrendering to the pain inside, my mom always cheers me on when I cry, “Baby, go ahead cry let it all out.”  Tears are designed to cleanse our eyes and our souls, but after a period of mourning we need to move forward.

    

The Thing's We Carry

I once read a chapter of a Tim O’Brien novel about war.  The chapter described in great detail the things the soldiers carried physically on their backs through the trenches and jungles of war grounds.  Slowly it changed from describing physical things to heavier, psychological, emotional- deep hurts weighing down their souls.  Recently that imagery came to mind.  We all have things we carry in our hearts, in our minds and beings - heavy burdens that keep us pinned to the ground.  Maybe it’s because I have been praying more than usual and I keep hearing God’s voice whisper, “Trust Me, Penny.”  At times in a form of a question, “Do you trust Me?”  That my mind keeps returning to the images of the soldier’s backpack, where among items of bare necessity, love letters and pictures of sweethearts occupied space.  I remember being fascinated by each item description that each soldier carried because listed beside was the pounds it weighed.  And as my mind traveled to this story (read many years ago) - I began to see this connection between the heavy soldiers backpack and the heaviness of my heart.  Many times in life God challenges us to give Him our burdens, but fear holds us back.  I remember, that for years after my brother passed away I refused to give God the pain I felt from my loss thinking that the pain was the only thing I had left of my brother.  After many years, I finally let the pain go and He healed me.  In life, as long as we live pain is inevitable, and we must learn to go to Him again and again for restoration.

For the most part each soldier in the narrative carried 15-20 pounds of weight in the trenches of war.  I wonder how much each of the burdens we carry weighs?  The truth is that no matter how heavy our load, God wants to redeem it.  There’s no hurt in this world that God cannot heal (smile).  I sat yesterday during Mass and felt Christ utterly present and concerned about me and my hurts.  Yesterday’s gospel reading was full of promise and joy in the possibilities that Jesus comes to offer.  Per the Gospel according to Saint Mark (1:29-39), Jesus healed all the sick and tormented people that were brought to Him.  AND He promises to do the same for each of us.  “Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest…”  He doesn’t promise us that hurt won’t reach us, but He promises that He will be ever present to heal us.  Yesterday, I took my dog to the vet- he caught a bug at the dog park- and as we waited to be seen by the vet my dog was trembling with fear.  He snuggled close to me and I knew he wanted to leave, but being the loving owner of my pet I knew that for his good he needed to suffer the vet examination.  Many times I have found myself in painful, scary situations and I wished that God would hide me under His wings until the situation passed.  Yet, He helps me face the pain and always delivers me- stronger and with a little more character.  The most painful experiences of my life have been the greatest moments of conversion and humble sanctification.  When my strength is overcome and I have no power to continue trying- He takes over and carries me.  He waits until I surrender my stubborn will and only then does He take over and works miracles that leave my soul at rest. 

 After healing the town’s people Jesus goes off to pray and if Jesus needed to be in constant contact with the Father how much more must we.  Everyday God is teaching me to be more dependent on Him and to trust in Him, especially in my hour of need.  Let’s not live downcast like people who don’t have a Heavenly Father, nor carry sadness that He can heal.  Let’s show the world especially during afflictions that we have a God that cares, that heals and that He loves us simply because we are loveable.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”   

Ave Maria Cruise: Part Three

Back in Houston, after the cruise, my friend invited us to a holy hour.  There in the presence of Jesus my vacation came to a close.  I remember that I was praying for my vocation and for this man that has me losing sleep and as I left the parish a stranger told me that he had been praying that I would grow in patience.  God seriously is great- in a language that was super understandable to me He asked me to be patient with Him, that He’s got it all taken care of- I just need to trust Him and be patient.  Which leads me to the role of women in the courting process.  One day during lunch we had a spontaneous panel of men and women at my table.  Men agreed to answer any questions the women put out to them and vice versa.  I asked them what they thought of women initiating contact and how much a woman could do without taking the role of pursuer.  Women listen up!  They are flattered and like it when a woman approaches them in a friendly way.  In person, showing signs through body language and making it obvious that you are interested will help give the confidence he requires to pursue.  Thus, women we need to be really transparent and hit them with a frying pan (a few times) to get him to understand the green light signals we are sending.  Sometimes those shy men won’t pursue even if they like you and if you’re like me who is very attracted to the quiet ones- than we need to help them out (a lot).  We also need to pray and follow through with actions.  Don’t be afraid to show him that you care, I mean he needs to know you are interested as much as you need to know that he is too.  It’s hard for me to show interest and reveal my feelings with the one I care because I am afraid of rejection and also because I don’t want to turn off my man by being too pushy and overbearing. Another of my friends asked about contacting men through online sources. And the same advised applied.  Men are honored when a woman shows interest by sending the first message.  But life is a big university of discernment.  So go ahead and reach out and if you notice that he’s not responding favorably, then thank God and move on. 

Another great tip is to give people second chances.  Initially, nerves and lack of experience are a recipe for disaster.  I remember the first date with my ex-boyfriend, he was so nervous that he spilled a coke all over himself and he couldn’t articulate his thoughts.  He was also wearing a really old wrinkled shirt and I thought this guy totally doesn’t like me because he wore the oldest shirt in his closet on his first date with me.  Later on, I found out that he had stopped by his friend’s house and his friend’s dog ripped the originally new shirt he had purchased for our date.  Then there were the awkward silences, but slowly, patiently and with a lot of communication our relationship took off.  Recently a man sent me a message of initiation and he misspelled a word and I was like how can he misspell words with spellcheck software! A few days later I sent a message to someone I care about and I misspelled words myself (SMILE)! I was mortified, but I learned a lesson to not judge a person so quickly.  I have a friend who wasn’t initially attracted to the man she married and she told God in prayer that she would never marry this guy not even if he was the last man on earth.  Yet, God put her husband in her heart and mind and eventually she could do no more than surrender.  Now they are happily married.  Sometimes we blow people off too quickly with our rushed judgments and that totally is unchristian!  God places many opportunities, but sometimes we are so stubborn that we refuse to see the gifts God is trying to give us and He can't give what we won't accept.

Sometimes I think God is just watching us and thinking, “Oh how my sons and daughters complicate things!”

Ave Maria Cruise: Part Two

One of the best experiences of my vacation, happened along a horse ride in the Belizean forests.  My horse, Brownie, sure taught me a great deal about men and the importance of communication.  I love animals and I thought building rapport with my horse would ensure a smooth ride, yet my baby talk and caresses communicated my insecurity to my horse.  Once on Brownie, he decided that he was the master and refused to listen to me.  He walked really slowly behind the entire group of riders, stopped to munch on leaves and at times he seemed like he might quit the trail.  I was too scared to lose control and afraid to trust that together my horse and I could work together.  It wasn’t until my guide came back and told me, “Ma’am, you need to be assertive, horses are like men you treat them too nice and they take advantage of you.”  Ah, now I had something to work with (smile).  Though the power struggle never changed, my horse knew he had me at his mercy throughout the ride, I learned that communication is so important in all relationships.  My guide had to come back several times to help me with my horse and I marveled at how Brownie knew the voice of his (real) master. 

As the cruise continued and I began to have conversations with men and women - I realized that a lot of us are as weak at communicating as Brownie and I were.  There’s this fear between men and women to share their true feelings for one another.  They hide even when they are attracted to one another- there’s this epidemic of lack of vulnerability and godly courage.  To reveal your feelings to the one that has you losing sleep- is down-right frightful!  I suffer from the same ailments- but am trying to learn to be courageous and to love more like God does.  Even in Catholic circles we suffer from the same secular problems of loving selfishly and of paralyzing fear of rejection.  We love people for what we can get from them and not simply because people are loveable.  Sometimes we even love God because of the consolations He gives us through prayer and once we experience a dry period we start to question Him.  In the same way, we love certain people for the feelings they inspire in us and we dismiss others.  We get rejected, but we also do our share of rejecting.  A man on the cruise shared that he had been rejected by a woman during the cruise and he was really bummed about it.  Yet, he who has the courage to get rejected truly is doing God’s will.  If I were a man I would want a life full of rejections rather than “what if’s.”  I shared with my friend how proud I was of him for having the courage to follow his heart even if the consequences were not positive.  Sometimes in faith circles we talk about dying for those we love, but the odds of a man taking a bullet for a woman he loves is quite unlikely.  Yet, when you ask a woman out- (men) you are taking that bullet for her.  You are making yourself the target and if you get rejected you did the honorable thing for her- this way she won’t experience rejection.  Pursuing is the epitome of chivalry the definition of godly men and sure there will be rejections, but there is such honor in that!

Every time I go on these cruises I always wish that someone would tell these men to go out there and take risks, to not be afraid of broken hearts because we have a God that heals.  To have the courage and humility to get up and try again- that success is only a matter of perseverance.  Meditate on “The Parable of the Persistent Widow” and die trying.  Prayer is great- but eventually it requires action.  I think this needs to be followed with women being kind in rejecting men.  I see that a lot of time we are horrible at letting men down kindly- or stringing them along afraid that our “no” will crush them.  Get off your horse, we are Christians we can handle “no’s” because we have a God that strengthens, comforts and gives us hope.  Sometimes I wish I was a man because they get to act- women get to wait, but I know that’s just my pride because both sides have their difficult challenges. 

The best relationships begin with friendships- so cultivate godly friendships with people of the opposite sex.  Sometimes we live quite rapidly trying to discern romantic situations- why not start by being friends.  Friendship creates a great foundation for romantic relationships and friendship teaches us to love selflessly.  But don't let the relationship remain stuck there forever if you sense a mutual attraction- ACT- take it to the next level.  And prayerfully continue discerning. Finally, women pray for men so that God gives them the courage and creativity to pursue, to heal and to try again.  
Ave Maria Cruise: Part One  

Ave Maria Cruise: Part One

Am happy to be back- after a long adventure it’s nice to be home.  I have many great stories to share some quite humorous and some bits of wisdom that God gave me during this week long retreat.  I swam, played with monkeys and scorpions, danced, took a horse ride through the Belizean forests, prayed, had spiritual direction, celebrated the sacraments, laughed and fell into a deeper love with God and my Catholic faith…  On day one of my trip I came across a really good quote, “Often love is offered to you, but you discard it because you are fixed on receiving it from the person who you gave it.”  The quote became the theme of my cruise experience.  I felt this great challenge from God to stop having horse blinders where I am too busy looking only at the one I want and I miss on all the opportunities that God places in my path.  If I am open to God’s will that means that I need to trust Him, even when he’s leading me away from the object of my affections and perhaps even when He is telling me to give a man a chance that I am initially not terribly attracted to.  Love is a choice and when we limit ourselves to loving only one person (without the commitment or an established relationship) we are closing ourselves to God’s will and giving Him our guidelines and limitations to work with.  I am really attracted to a man, who shows very little if any signs that he is attracted to me and before the cruise I had tunnel vision, but after reflecting and getting spiritual direction from Father I realized that I need to change.  I can’t obsess over someone who just refuses to pursue me nor can I make excuses for him (like he’s too shy, or introverted, etc.).  I prayed a great deal for this man, but I also prayed for God to redirect my focus to Him. 

During the cruise I observed that I am not the only one that tends to fall for another person and form these strong attachments without the commitment and the exclusivity of a relationship.  I met a man who had the possibility of getting to know a friend of mine, but because he was thinking of an impossibility back home he refused to give my friend a chance. I also had a friend who even though she had someone in her heart at the beginning of the cruise she opened herself to the will of God and met a really nice man. We all come to these cruises on the same single boat, but we all arrive at different stages in our journeys.  Some come with a broken heart, some with an occupied heart, some ready to mingle, some hoping to reconnect with someone, some to relax among friends…  I returned because I wanted to reunite with my girlfriends and because nature is my highway to God.  My heart is occupied, but my will is aligned with God.  Thought I am really attracted to this man at home, I am learning to not be closed off to others because I want God’s will not mine.

While getting spiritual direction from Father at a beach in Cozumel, Mexico – he helped me put some order in my heart.  He’s the type of man that always offers advice without cushioning and though some of the things he advised challenged my romantic spirit- I know he is right.  I can’t close myself off until I have an offer of exclusivity – I guess that’s why I love “If You Forget Me” by Pablo Neruda (smile).

To be continued…  
Ave Maria Cruise: Part Two