Love Testimony Continued

One late night, on my way to my cabin, I stopped at the rail of the cruise ship closed my eyes and felt the cool wind caressing my entire being.  For a few minutes I enjoyed the peace of the dark, starry night.  Then my lips began forming prayers and soon I was in deep conversation with God.  I told Him about my heart and about a man that I like.  A man that I felt liked me back, but was too shy to approach me.  I told Him about my attraction to men that normally never pursue me and asked Him what I could do personally to help out- when I heard His voice speak to my heart.  He revealed this hidden pride in me that for years I thought was just my own personal shyness.  In matters of two it’s always good to examine one’s role and that night with God I began to examine my role in romantic relationships before they even begin.  For years, I had been attracted to shy men and I believed that if they liked me enough they would pursue without me doing anything about it.  That God had created this being for me and that he would recognize me as his other half and would chase me until he caught me.  I went on through life thinking that I didn’t have any responsibilities other than to prayerfully wait for my one-and-only.  Yet, God encourages us to act, to play a role in the totality of our lives.  He wants us to be doers not passive robots.  That night, God spoke to my heart He showed me that I needed to show my beloved that I was interested through my actions, not to pursue him, but to help him out.  I heard His voice with such clarity say, “Penny, be loving first.”  As I reflected on those words I realized the following:

My whole life I had lived never showing my emotions when I was attracted to someone because he might find out and not feel the same.  What was really happening was that I was protecting my pride from injury- in the events that my feelings were not reciprocated.  Instead of loving men and forming friendships I stayed away protecting my vanity and fearing ridicule.  True, rejections are extremely difficult, but not fatal (smile).  And if you expect to have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex eventually both need to reveal their feelings.  Thus, I began to love everyone equally including the object of my affections and the more I openly loved the more that I realized that one can never feel shame for having the capacity to love.  Love is a blessing even unrequited love (SMILE).  It’s important for women to show men that we are interested and encourage them especially if he’s a godly man- because he will protect our heart.  If he sees you showing interest and he’s not interested his duty is to not encourage you and vice versa.

Another thing I realized was not to take rejections as if there’s something wrong with me.  If a man shuts my interest down- that’s just God redirecting my course.  It’s easier to not wallow in self-pity when you are confident in who you are.  When you know your self-worth in Christ.  Recently I was rejected and though the experience was extremely painful- trusting God has helped me not surrender to the hurt, but to walk in faith.  God has a perfect plan for my life and His plans are higher than mine.  Seeking answers to those troubled questions (Why doesn’t he like me? What’s wrong with me?), only increases the pain and most likely the answers wouldn’t satisfy anyway.  On Sunday, I came across a verse in the Epistle of James, “Elijah was a man with a nature like ours, and he prayed fervently.”  I love the initial description, Elijah was a human being just like us, but the key thing about him was that he prayed.  During this time of healing- I have been in constant communion with God through prayer and He has lifted me up.  At times I don’t understand where all this strength in me comes from, but I know it’s not a product of mine- it is God carrying me like He has carried so many before me!

I think like our Pope’s desire for a church that is bruised… I rather a heart that is bruised, hurting and dirty because it has been out on the streets LOVING - than one that is in perfect condition safely stored.  This is where I am in my romantic journey today- a little bruised, but with so much HOPE in the God of Abraham, of Isaac and of Jacob…  That same God that has delivered His people again and again (smile). 

Love Testimony