We do so many things in life (or stop from doing some) to avoid rejection. We hide, we withhold, we pretend, we lie… to avoid the hurt that might come from taking a risk. This is most evident in the area of romantic love. People hurt us and we retreat into our safe haven… I used to spend days, months even years wondering and hoping to understand the why of unrequited love. Why doesn’t he feel the same way? Yet, no answer ever satisfied the longing to be loved by the one my heart had chosen. As I grew in God – I spent many hours on my knees asking God to provide a lover someone I could love and be reciprocated. I appealed to my God in the most specific manner- giving Him the name of the one I hoped would become my one-and-only and one by one God said, “no.” Each negation hurt immensely and as the feeble being I am I yelled at God in moments of intense mourning. Recently I was in adoration and I was having one of those moments of poor little me and I questioned Him, “Why is it that I come here at your feet and I leave feeling crushed as if You don’t care- as if this moment together went against Your promises of sustenance." In my anger my doubts rose and I became quiet the cynic in His presence. I waited for an answer and only silence filled my being. I left His presence downhearted and alone. Later that night when the storm in me had calmed I began to listen to a Christian audio study, Never Give Up. As the speaker began she started with “you should doubt your doubts.” At times in moments of hurt I retaliate against God and wonder if He truly exists and if living a Christian life is not just part of an ancient sham. Yet, without God everything is meaningless. I need God like I need air to breathe- without Him I would cease to exist! Yet, never in my periods of doubting Thomas syndrome have I challenged my doubts or doubted their authenticity.
Christianity and specifically Jesus has been my salvation. He has gotten me out of the darkest hours of my life and while at times I have difficulty relating, understanding and believing in God the Father and God the Holy Spirit- in Jesus I ALWAYS believe. I never doubt that He is truly God and truly man. As I began to challenge the doubts and began to submerge and deepen into the promises of God: I realized two things one that the truth God offers is pretty fantastic and two that doubt brings growth. I understood that every “no” is a step closer to the “yes” I crave to hear (SMILE). And it also helped me to realize that what I should always crave and desire is for more of His love. Sometimes I forget that He is God and that to Him all things are truly possible for He is the Creator of heaven and earth.
I could use a fresh beginning too, because all I want is love and to show my beloved (whether that be my parent, sibling, friend or hopefully one day my spouse) that I love them like He first loved me. Don’t ever be too scared to show someone that you care and that you love them- don’t let rejection be an obstacle. I am falling more in love with God every day and letting go of all things that I held on to- so that I can live as I was meant to- without fear and empowered by His love.
"In the blink of an eye
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know...
So I'm going to love you like I'm going to lose you
And I'm going to hold you like I'm saying goodbye"
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