There was a dark period sometime after my
brother died that I started really abusing alcohol. I would party from Thursday through
Sunday. Usually clubs, dancing and a lot
of alcohol were my coping formula.
Things got so bad that I got kicked out of clubs because I would get so
wasted that I couldn’t even walk- my best friend would have to help me use the
restroom and how we got home without an accident really was providence. On Mondays, I would regret the stupid things
I did while under the influence – I would look at myself in the mirror and
didn’t recognize my reflection. I feared
my parents and family finding out the things I was involved in because I didn’t
want to disappoint them. But when I was
drunk and being the fool nothing else mattered- it numbed my inhibitions and I
became the life of the party – I was happy until I hit the bed at night and the
pain was amplified by the alcohol. The
next morning as I recalled the things I did I would hate myself. In the shower I would try to wash the sin
away- but as soon as Thursday came around the same pattern was repeated… 
I was raised in a manner that I knew how to
distinguish the good from the bad and yet for years I couldn’t walk away from
the party life. For a couple years, in
between the drunken nights I began attending services and sit at weekly spiritual
lectures at an Old Catholic Church. Hungover I would wake up every Sunday with the desire to open myself to God,
sometimes the worship music or the sermon would bring me to tears- but the more
I felt God calling me out of the dung the more I resisted. I felt like in order to have God I would have
to give up way too much. I would have to
give up the drinking, the partying the fun… I have met others who are at this
point in their walk where they feel God calling, but feel like He’s asking for
way too much - way more than He will provide in return. The truth is that God does want a lot. He wants each of us personally to surrender
to Him or rather for each of us to personally offer and give ourselves and our
lives to Him (out of our own willingness).
That’s pretty darn scary!
Especially when we perceive Him out of our own brokenness and
limitations- out of our own experiences with other people who have hurt us,
rejected and even broken us. Giving
someone our heart is terrifying that’s why love is such a supremacy. The thing with God is that whatever you give
Him however little that might be He redeems it and gives you back so much
more.
In my ignorance I thought God wanted to
kill all my pleasure and would take from me all those things I so enjoyed
doing- because sin can be so much fun.
What I have discovered is that while He asks for a lot He gives
back so much more. He has taken things
from me- but it has been those things I needed to be rid of like: pride, hurt,
anger, impatience, vengence...- And He has given me joy, peace, patience, forgiveness, some
humility and so much love. In addition, He’s shaped my
mind and has given me a different perspective- a peaceful, constant happiness. He can do the same for you- all that baggage of
vile negativity you carry that’s what He wants you to surrender so that He in turn can fill and build you up. Take the
dive into His arms you won't regret it.
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