Smile Like the Saints

I have been a recluse these past few days- feeling a bit under the weather emotionally.  Sometimes I get these short periods of anxiety and insecurity they last a couple days in which I feel rather vulnerable and exposed and my way of fighting it is to withdraw.  Yesterday, I was reading a biography on Blessed Mother Teresa in which the author describes a long period of dryness that Mother experienced.  Though Mother Teresa battled with interior darkness her motto was to serve with a smile.  In fact, the Missionaries of Charity are known to be some of the most joyful servants of God.  An instruction that she gave repeatedly to her sisters was, “always have a cheerful smile.  Don’t only give your care, but give your heart as well.”  I had to stop and reflect on that statement for a moment because as simply stated -it carries quite profound meaning.  I read that a sign of sanctification is the ability to laugh, to be of good cheer even in the most desolate circumstances… Often times am told to guard my heart, but when I study the lives of the saints I realize that they weren’t afraid of giving their hearts even though they were exposing themselves to great pain - even brokenness.  Thus, am beginning to reconsider what guarding my heart means.  More than ever I know it’s not a matter of protecting it from love.  Loving others will always come with high risks: the possibility of rejection, disappointment, hurt, even brokenness; but, as I have mentioned before we have a God that heals.  When we love someone whether romantically or not we are opening ourselves to a lot of possible harm, but we are also allowing God (who is love) to continue shaping us into vessels of His perfect love.

I have been broken many times in my past, but I have also been delivered from affliction every time.  Looking back I don’t regret the times I gave my heart to the people I chose because though some inflicted great suffering those experiences of love also gave me insurmountable amounts of joy.  I think at some point we all must make that decision to let go and just love.  To trust that God is with us through the end of time.  Mother Teresa and that saints knew and lived their lives trusting that God would provide ointment for their inner hurts and just pressed on in their labor of love.

I like a man a great deal and sometimes I feel really vulnerable about my feelings towards him and I just want to hide and give up because the insecurity of the unknown weighs heavily on me. At other times I over analyze my behavior thinking that I am doing all the things that I have read NOT to do in dating books and again I freak out. Yet, what I give of me is natural to who I am.  Loving others (most of the time) comes natural to me, being affectionate and cheesy is also a big part of who I am- to cut back on these gestures for the pretense of guarding my heart is completely unnatural to me.  In books, that I have read they teach people how to play games in order to win a man’s hearts (don’t reply right away, make him miss you, show him you have a life, etc.) and that just feels so wrong.  Even Christian courtship books do this and am not sure if I am too stubborn and set in my ways, but that’s not who I am at all.  As romantic as I am (because I am) real love is enough for me.  When two people overcome fears, insecurities, pride and just stand in front of one another with nothing but who they are (weaknesses and all) that’s beautiful to me.  I know my beloved leads a full life, as do I- so, I don’t have to nor need to be proved what I already know (smile).  Sometimes we complicate love and put all these rules and regulations in order to receive or give it.  The two things that I know love needs to grow is time and nurturing- like a seed planted in rich soil it should transform with time into a beautiful flower.  Thus, “let us always meet each other with a smile, for the smile is the beginning of love.”