Overcoming Distress Disorder

Family day at the beach.

When I was a teenager I learned the power of making goals and I planned most of my young adult life around my college education.  As I graduated from university and completed the secondary teaching credential program I was stuck not having thought further than that in terms of goals.  However, during the transition from student to career woman I had my mental breakdown and until recently all of my goals revolved around my need to get healthy and regain my sanity.  My early life plan wasn’t designed to include years of recuperating and relearning to trust & believe in myself.  After hearing voices and suffering from severe hallucinations simple tasks needed to be relearned and slowly I began to take on responsibilities. For a long time I had to rely on my family to separate the real from the fantasy that my mind was creating I had to consult them before making any decision to make sure that it was a reasonable choice I was making.  The healing process has been terribly slow- I am speaking years of recovery from the damages of a single, massive, bipolar manic phase.  To this day, I am still working on overcoming the trauma and distress intolerance that were left behind from that intense experience.

The dog beach.

A few weeks ago, during therapy as I completed my yearly evaluation with my therapist I told her about how at nights I still have anxiety before I go to sleep.  During my breakdown I went through a two-week period where I couldn’t shut my thoughts off and during the nights I mostly laid awake in bed unable to sleep.  Due to the euphoric mania- I wanted to stay up reading the Bible all night, sleeping felt like a total waste of time and I had unlimited energy and an unstoppable racing mind.  Now usually with the meds I take I can sleep fine every night; yet, before I fall asleep I always get anxiety thinking I won’t be able to stop my thoughts and fall asleep.  What I learned is that people deal with emotional distress differently.  A healthy person knows that disliking unpleasant emotions is fair, but accepts that they are inevitable and rides through them. I on the other hand, experience unpleasant emotions as unbearable and feel the need to get rid of them- this breeds a whole lot of problems.  Usually I try to avoid these overwhelming feelings by overeating or excessive sleep.  The discovery that I need to relearn how to deal with emotional distress really inspired me because I have never been a person to run away from problems- though I can be a procrastinator I like to confront things head-on.  Learning that at night it’s fair for me to have anxiety (after what I have experience) and understanding that by riding the wave of nervousness I am confronting the fear and healing in a healthy way really encouraged me.  This too shall pass, I will rise above my troubles.

Mom with her girls.

As I accomplished my educational goals my motto had always been "no pain no gain," but after experiencing such a traumatic event following the death of my brother I unconsciously ran away from any situation that caused discomfort and ran directly into junk food.  If I was feeling anxious I would go and buy food to comfort me and direct my mind away from my inner turmoil to the momentary high of chocolate and sweets.   Identifying with my therapist that I have a case of distress intolerance has given me a eureka sort of experience.  I understand now that when I am feeling anxious over going to bed, showering or any other activity that I have to do on my own riding the uncomfortable wave is the best option.  However, this experience of being a plus-size woman has really given me personal insight into obesity.  I used to think that people that where heavy were lazy and didn’t control their hunger urges, but now I know that it’s a deeper issue.  It stems from all types of inner turmoil and struggles.  Yet, there’s always hope and help, one just really needs to be open to it.  For the past month I have been working on no longer eating sweets when I feel troubled, rather I repeat to myself one of my favorite Bible parts of a verse this too shall pass - I have been riding the wave of anxiety and slowly I am seeing the weight come off (smile).