Rollercoaster Weekend

It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster weekend.  It all began with the emotional highs of celebrating my nephew’s 15^th birthday! We celebrated him along with ten of his friends at Fountain Valley Bowl.  The years have gone too quickly, just yesterday I was afraid to hold him in my arms because he was a tiny babe!  Now, one of the tallest in his group, I still find myself as in awe of him as that first day I met him outside the womb.  He’s just beginning his passage towards adulthood and I can still see glimpses of a child, when he’s not putting up the teenage bravado.  On this day, he was all smiles surrounded by his teen posey and from the margins I got to share in his celebration as we gave him the space to claim his independence.  Though, when it was time for the cake, I did embarrass him by corralling all the kids to sing him a very high-pitched birthday tune.

Following the mini quinceañera, I headed to my friend’s house for my annual Christmas dinner gathering. After a year hiatus we were able to come together and celebrate the birth of Jesus together as friends and sisters in Christ.  It was great to see each other because even now the gatherings are quite scattered and rare.  The children as always show us that even though we all come from humble, turbulent beginnings we are choosing to give our future generation a better life, not just materially, but also by being more loving and trying to correct the wrongs we experienced.

On Sunday, I woke up to the news that the one celebrity that has become an integral part of my family’s history had passed.  Vicente Fernandez or “Chente” as many of us affectionally called him had gone on to serande Our Lady of Gudalupe on her day.  That night we gathered as a family to watch Chente’s wake and were surprised by a concert given by the Mariachi Azteca who accompanied him for over forty years at El Rancho Los Tres Potrillos.  The family opened their doors to the ranch’s arena for the pueblo to come and say good bye to their beloved star and from the screen of our home my family gathered to pay our respects.  We cried like we have never mourned a celebrity while we saw his family and loved ones stand guard at his coffin.  We recalled all those wonderful memories he gave us and the many songs that have nurtured us throughout our years.  At first he was boracho music (Sigo Siendo El Rey), or songs that we played when our hearts were broken (La Diferencia), or when we lost a loved one (Mi Querido Viejo), or when we found out my sister was pregnant (Hermoso Cariño), or when my nephew crawled dance to “Estos Celos” and we used the “Para Siempre” soundtrack as his lullabies… Eventually his music interwined with our memories.  It felt like the closing of the Ranchera golden era, a death of a tradition, a loss of the good ol’ days.  It was also quite fitting that as a family we gathered to watch “El Ultimo Adios” like we used to gather so many times around the TV screen to see his movies in the eighties and nineties.  

   

My Technology Break

For Thanksgiving Break I wanted a break from all technology so forgive me for going MIA for a couple of weeks.  I was tired, burned out from being in front of a screen that as a gift to myself I took some time off.  During that break I did many things that inspired as well as refreshed me.  I began with a visit to the new Saint Michael’s Abbey- I hadn’t been to the new relocation site, since accidently driving there once when it was just a patch of dirt.  While the construction continues the abbey is now open to the public!  I was able to see some of the artists working on the murals for each of the chapels.  It was great to be inside and witness how the place of worship slowly comes together.  I can’t wait until the Abbey Church is completed!

That first Monday of my Thanksgiving Break, I drove up there in the mid-morning hours to avoid traffic and the drive especially when I made it up to the hills was so relaxingly peaceful.  I loved feeling like the road was for me only because I got to enjoy the gorgeous Silverado Hills.  I entered into God’s presence as I drove towards the abbey and when I arrived there were only two people in the Church in addition to the quiet artists painting away.  I walked very slowly touring the main Church just admiring the architectural design and the work that was slowly underway.  I got to see the dedication chapels blank just holding the name of the saint that would soon be depicted in colors.  It was quite exciting to see that many saints that I hold dear will have a chapel dedicated to them and hold their relics! 

While I sat there enjoying the sun shinning through stained glass windows, I knew that like the old abbey this place would become a favorite praying spot, a place close to home to retrieve to in moments of needed spiritual fueling.  I lost track of time and soon I was praying the Sext along with the Norbertine Fathers and seminarians.  It was such a treat to listen to them chant!

Spending half of the day at the abbey was the best way to begin a week that has been so instrumental in finding relief from all the stress that I felt.  My time off with each activity added life to my burning candle and now I feel so ready for Advent and for celebrating the birth of our Savior.  Next on my list, confession so that my heart is pure to receive the Babe Jesus.     

Emo Penny

A very buried emo Penny came to the surface and took over my sunny disposition and this dark reel on repeat consumed my vision for the past eighteen months.  It was weird to get up, even in ninety-degree weather and feel a clouded heaviness.  As most of the world I have been on COVID survival mode, the change in lifestyle and the consequences of that unanticipated change have been felt so deeply here.  I waited for life to return to normal. In time, I thought things will go back to life as it was before the epidemic; but, two years and still wearing a mask on the daily I understand that I can’t put my life on hold. 

I had a long weekend and while I didn’t do anything Instagram worthy (if I had an account); I feel so good. A good that I haven’t felt in a long time.  That type of simple goodness where one wakes up and with no effort hope is present like that MIA student that hadn’t been on campus during lockdown and now is sitting right before my eyes. 

Penny, I am here and just like that I see the sun coming up like the most extraordinary sunrise, like a prodigal son, hope returns. Hope is here.  It’s been awhile in the desert, but I have caught sight of the coast and I know that my emo slump is reaching a conclusion.  Thanks for bearing with me.

It’s no fun feeling a great disconnection from the things that once brought joy, to feel so far away from God.  To have no creative juices left because all my energy went to surviving my work hours.  Sometimes, I forget that I am bipolar – that it’s easy for me to be depressed because my brain was designed with that malfunction. It’s been awhile though since I sunk so low and I know the culprit was COVID and all the unexpected changes, but I feel better now.  This long weekend, helped me reenergize and to find the gift of hope.  It also helped me see how much my faith has grown because even though I felt so apart from God for so long reason helped me see beyond my emotions, to see the truth no matter how low I got.  I guess that’s why they call them growing pains.

Any who, I know that I am still not fully my cheerful self, but everyday things are looking up.       

Protestant Books Folly

Did I ever tell you about the time I gave protestant books to my priests for Christmas?

I had just returned to the Catholic Church and I was involved with Jovenes Para Cristo.  I thought what if I buy a great book for each priest and have everyone in the group sign the card so that it’s a thank you gift from our entire group.  So, I got everyone in the group to sign and put a special message in the three cards.  At the time I had recently visited the then Crystal Cathedral and found some great books that I thought would suit each of the priest’s personalities.  To me books have always been the perfect gift and I was really excited to give a few of the ones that I had read by Robert Schuller, Chuck Swindoll and Lee Strobel to my parish priests. I wrapped them in pretty paper, stuck a shiny bow and placed the group signed Christmas cards on each gift and delivered them to the parish office.

My heart was excited, thinking that I had done something meaningful expressing gratitude to service men that often go day by day without a thank you.  When my phone rang and it was the president of the Jovenes Para Cristo Association, I thought he had called to tell me that the priests had received their gifts and were warmed by the thoughtful expression. 

“Penny, did you give our priests protestant books?” The leader of the group began the conversation in a tone that clearly illustrated that I had done something wrong.

Instantly I was upset. I didn’t understand the accusation.  I just thought of my intentions and how I just wanted the priests to feel special and valued.  So, I told him, “It was a gift, and if the priests have a problem receiving a gift given with the purest intentions, have them directly talk to me about it.” He didn’t argue any more when he realized that I didn’t do it with malice, it was just a matter of ignorance.  He let me go, but I still felt upset because I thought my gift wasn’t well liked instead of it being inappropriate.  To me there has never been a bad gift because I always look at gifts like a little goodness from the giver.  The giver takes time to think of what the gift will be, personalizing and taking the time to purchase.  Then the gift is wrapped and decorated all while the giver thinks of the reaction the recipient will have. 

Thus, there are no bad gifts- at least not when the intention is to bring happiness – that is unless you give protestant books to Catholic priests! I was driving this morning thinking about this incident and laughing at how many times I was too protestant when I made my return to the Catholic Church.

Just a Regular Halloween

Hope you had a Happy Halloween!

After totally passing on it last year, this year I had a little more enthusiasm and mustered an outfit for myself and Francis.  In my thrift escapades I found a small mariachi hat and I thought that Francis would make an adorable charro which he did.  It’s been quite a joy sharing his pictures with my students today and watching their reactions.  A fluffy dog with a hat will make even the most challenging kid smile and break the ice.

I also was able to dress as Jessie from “Toy Story” on Friday to school and the kids had some cute reactions.  I specially loved the reactions from my virtual students as they logged in expecting to see their usually black hair teacher and were surprised to find a red-haired imposter.  Again, I found the Jessie t-shirt and hat at the thrift store and made my wig using red yarn, then I added some calf print fabric to my jeans and it weren’t for my brown skin – you wouldn’t be able to tell us apart.  For both Francis and my costume, I manage to spend less than fifteen dollars and the joy that I got was priceless!

On Halloween Day, we closed our door and turned off our lights, no candy evangelizing this year.  Funny, the year that I don’t participate is the year that I got asked by a priest to share how I celebrate Halloween. He’s trying to get a plan established to get his community to revamp the holiday with saints instead of goblins.  Thus, I had to rely on posts from years past to highlight what I have done to keep my faith on Halloween Day.  Maybe next year, the saint costumes and candy evangelizing will return as now I have a small following of people who are taken by my very Catholic Halloweens.

A Glimpse of Heaven

I love this time of year, even though there are more gray skies the atmosphere seems more joyful.  Or maybe it’s because I enjoy the holidays this season brings.  Starting with Halloween, I love the creativity of transforming myself into a totally different character. Then Thanksgiving Day challenges me to prepare a feast for my family, ending with Christmas and the joy of Jesus’ birthday.  All these great days to plan and look forward to. 

Now, as I have practiced my Catholic faith a bit, I also love this time of the Catholic calendar.  I adore getting to celebrate the lives of so many of the saints that I hold most dear, one right after the other.  Starting with the Saint Therese of Lisieux, the Archangels, our Guardian Angels, Saint Francis of Assisi, Saint John Paul II…  This year I realized that a new saint of my devotion also has a feast day during this time of year, Saint John Capistrano.  Since I spend most of my week in San Juan Capistrano, five minutes away from the basilica I have been drawn to his life most recently.  He also happens to be another Franciscan brother (smile).

Divine Mercy Santuary in Krakow

 

Sometimes, if I have the time I will go over to the basilica and just sit in the beautiful church.  Whether it’s before work or during my lunch - I enjoy the silence and the beauty that surrounds me.  Usually there will only be a few people inside the big space – so I feel like I am at a silent retreat and the church is my private haven.  I am fond of these moments because they keep my flame alive.  I have learned that my relationship with God needs to be fed, it requires more than just my Sunday commitment.  It is when I am most involved in godly things that I find the most peace in my life.  This autumnal season being aware of all the saints we celebrate at this time of year has been such an elevation in spirit.  Some days I still find myself feeling quite anxious and blue – but having little distractions everyday that remind me of people who walked in this world choosing holiness and trusting God is extremely edifying.  Today, we remember the lives of two patron saints of cobblers.  I love shoes and the silliness of having not one, but two patron saints of shoes is quite humorous. 

Every morning, I look forward to discovering what other saints made their way into the calendar at this time of year… For now I am looking forward to all Saints Day, to feel like I did the first time that I visited the Cathedral of Our Lady of Angels and stood in the middle of the life size tapestries of the saints- surrounded by an army of godliness.  A glimpse of heaven.        

My Halloween Spirit

I love Halloween. 

I love all the creativity that comes with celebrating the holiday.  After a couple years of my spirit being dimmed by Covid I am ready to bring out the creative juices and celebrate this year.  My desk at work is already covered in candy skulls and spooky garland.  The search for the perfect Halloween costume for both me and Francis is underway.  It’s exciting looking forward to things that have always given me so much joy because these past few months have just been about survival.

From my first Halloween back in the eighties I was hooked. At the time we were dirt poor to spend money on frivolous things so my mom would make my costumes.  As a child, I dreamed of store-bought costumes, especially when my cousin wore a maid’s outfit and hers was sexy while the one my mom made me was historically appropriate.  I looked at her shiny, short skirt trimmed with lace and her off the shoulder top and compared it my puritan style costume.  Same when we wore nurse outfits, mine was straight out a hospital while my cousin looked hot in hers.  I didn’t realize then, that kids also envied my costumes which weren’t just authentic, they were really nicely made.  In high school, I decided that I wanted to dress as Juliet and my mother again made my beautiful renaissance costume, this time I did hear remarks from other students jealously saying that they would never spend so much money on costumes.  The funny thing is that my costumes were homemade specifically to save money. 

Eventually my mom’s intention to remain authentic to the costume was passed on to me and I realized that I wasn’t the type to use Halloween as a vehicle to trampy.  Halloween was a day I could be anything I wanted to be, even a saint!  So these past years I have mixed my Catholic faith and my love of costumes to educate others (including myself) on the lives of the saints.  This year, I am not sure if I will dress as a saint because in years past I used to go to our Fall Fest at church with my nephew- and he’s a teen now too old to participate. Sigh! However, I still plan to dress up to work staying true to integrity of the character that I will bring to life.     

Rite of Admission

Yesterday, I finally had my Rite of Admission in my Secular Franciscan Order!  After years of being on hold, first because we didn’t have a spiritual director and then because of Covid; I felt like I would never leave limbo.  Many times, I asked God if this path was really what He wanted for me because I felt like the longest person in formation.  Yesterday, when I finally was able to take the next step and participate in the Rite of Admission I was utterly joyful.  I felt the giddiness I felt when I celebrated my First Communion!

The short ceremony was so utterly beautiful.  The communal prayers were wonderful.  Afterward, my fraternity gave me my first wooden Tau cross, the rule and a book to continue guiding my path towards profession.  My sponsor showered me with an exquisite bouquet of roses – there was even a couple of delicious cakes!  I was then hugged and congratulated by every member, I honestly felt like my heart would burst in thanksgiving and joy. 

Lately, I have been struggling with anxiety and the communal rite and celebration gave me so much hope, it was just what I needed.  I realized how much I have missed and needed community during these past months and I am so blessed that I have a spiritual family.  Hopefully, we will continue to meet in person and share special moments.  Even though I know my community is pretty awesome, I was still blown away by their kindness and generosity in making my day so utterly memorable. 

The wait made this moment more special (now I know how Saint Clare felt) and I am so looking forward to my profession and finally joining the Franciscans.  

Thrifted floral dress for the occasion. 

Better Times Ahead

I think during the pandemic I have struggled quite a bit and I am sure you have noticed because I haven’t been writing like usual.  I put so much energy in getting the “must do’s” out of the way that creatively I have suffered.  I also tried to switch medications during this time because Seroquel causes weight gain and I thought I was stable enough to try something with less damaging side effects. The new drug that I tried gave me a great sense of restlessness and after a couple months of trying to see if these feelings would diminished – I returned to my regular meds. 

During this pandemic I have seen many people thrive creatively because at home restrictions have given people the time to do things.  Me? I, am just surviving.  Yet, I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I guess for people like me whose quality time is her strongest love language, not being able to see others really messed me up.  However, I am beginning to see more loved ones and to have great conversations and moments that nurture my soul.  My weekly bible study is back in session, my Franciscan group just started meeting in person, there’s more events around my faith that I can start attending and I am back to seeing my faith sisters.  These moments of interaction have been so needed, so healing.  Even so, I still feel quite insecure, but I know that each day I find a little more balance in my life.

In my work, I see a lot of kids with mental disabilities and they are really struggling right now.  Even my coworkers most who don’t have mental illnesses are hurting and I thank God that even though I am bipolar that I am still able to function and help others.  I told one of my kids who has developed quite an attachment to me, that I would be out on Monday because I was going to see a comedian a bit away from my home.  And he was like, “If you are watching the comedian during the weekend why won’t you be here on Monday?”  I laughed and told him I needed a mental day to just relax so that I can be a better teacher.  Last time I was out, he freaked out with the substitute so he appreciated me telling him in advanced.  Being bipolar has given me a better understanding for working with teens with similar issues and lots of patience during this unusual time in education.          

 

This Too Shall Pass

I woke up yesterday thinking it was Saturday! I took out Francis for his morning bathroom routine and made coffee to sit in my favorite yard chair when mom asked, “are you not going in to work today?”  I still felt quite certain my mom had her days wrong and I annoyingly said, “It’s Saturday.” Sure enough, she broke the truth and I had to rush and get ready to make my drive to school…  In my world I constantly hear of peers that are retiring or changing job careers during this pandemic and I keep telling myself keep hustling these next few months – survive things will get better.  We have been told that maybe in January we will go back to complete in person instruction… So, more normal days are in view.

This past week, I took a mental health day because I was seriously so overwhelmed and the next morning I had a message from one of my students asking if I would be at school otherwise he wouldn’t attend.  Aww, he missed me!  Then last week I sacrificed my lunch to have the Student Council students tie dye their shirts and one of them caught me before my next period and said, “Thank you, I really needed that.”  I was going over with a friend how these days I feel so overwhelmed and how these two kids were small victories and she said- just imagine all the ones that feel the same way, but don’t express it. 

I have this perfectionist complex also known as atychiphobia that makes everything so much more challenging because I want everything to go according to my expectation and these days I feel like a failure almost every day because every day things go wrong. The internet goes out, my shared documents don’t work when students try to open, my in-person students are quicker at working than my online and get bored while we wait for everyone to finish, and my discomfort of being in front of a camera hasn’t gotten any better…  I even hate the drive home these days because all of my home exits are under construction so traffic gets really backed up.  At a stretch that should take me ten minutes to travel I average thirty minutes on a good day.

Then I get home and I am fried.  I feel like I use all my creativity to make learning fun that when I get home I just want to sit still. Sure, I see projects that I can do, but sitting still usually wins.  LUCKILY, things are starting to go back to normal and now I can go to weekly Bible study.  Like my student needed that social aspect of tie dying I too need my weekly dose of faith sharing.  It so comforting to be with others and vent in a creative way, not as a form of complaining, but a way to validate that what we are experiencing due to the effects of the pandemic is unprecedented.  I find comfort in being reminded that I haven’t lost anyone close due to the virus, that I still have a job and all my basic necessities are met and that this too shall pass…