Dating a Practical Catholic Guide

I often meditate on how I can be a better Christian in all areas of my life.  Lately I have been thinking about dating simply because I believe that I need a lot of growth in this area.  Once when my ex and I were talking about the topic of marriage he told me words that hurt me like crazy, “Penny, do you know how much I researched, pondered and discerned whether I was getting the best truck for me.  The same applies for marriage, I need to look for the best person out there for me.”  He equated the search for a spouse to the process of buying a car.  Now before you label him as a total jerk, I think dating in today’s terms can really be just that- what’s in it for me?  In conversations with other friends (even Christian ones) I mostly hear complaints a list of the weakness and buts in regards to the “other” person.  In my own experience dating can feel like being a contestant on “The Dating Game” where I am placed in a position for serious criticism and judgment.  While I am not of the mindset of Joshua Harris, author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I recognize that dating needs a Christian makeover.  Recently, I read a great manuscript (Dating a Practical Catholic Guide by Jason King) on the subject which I am paraphrasing and quoting throughout my post today because I found such enlightenment.  It’s extremely helpful because it explains how we should approach others with a Christian mindset always- even while establishing friendships with the opposite sex.  As King explains, dating is not wrong, “while the Catholic Church hasn’t address the issue formally,” as Catholics we need to take this process and evangelize it.  Below are the six areas that King focuses on and gives great advice in regards to pursuing each other (if you want to read the full guide you can download it for free here).

Dating relationships are never trivial in God’s eyes:  All relationships are intended to be joyful because we are made to love and be loved.  God’s greatest commandment is about how to relate to God and others and that is through love.  Thus, all our relationships should be motivated by love and not the ego, “What can I get out of the other person.”  We objectify the other person by looking at him/her as a list of strengths and weaknesses.  

Dating relationships are a practice in loving:  Catholics view all relationships as a practice in loving.  Our greatest vocation is love, we don’t use people to figure out if we are compatible.  "We get into relationships to hone our ability to love those with whom we are in relationship with."  I remember after my ex and I broke up, my heart was broken and for a while I really wanted him to hurt like I was hurting.  Then one day I saw a homeless man on a corner asking for charity and I thought I would never like to see my ex in that situation.  God used that moment to show me that love always wants the best for the beloved or else it’s not love.  I know that sometimes we are conditioned to protect our hearts through all means, but in protecting ourselves we still need to express love and mercy.  

Dating relationships should strengthen our friendships and family relationships:  It’s easy to get lost in the beloved and want to dedicate our complete lives to them, but that’s not healthy.  We all have had that friend that when she has a boyfriend we never see her.  Yet, our Catholic faith is about community about getting to know each other with the help of our friends and families, “Christian love always reaches out to draw others in… A relationship that isolates you from your friends, strains your family relationships or keeps you from the church are problematic.” 

Dating relationships should connect us to parish life:  Dates should not only include dinner and the movies because our sole focus will be too narrow and non-Christian.  Dating should strengthen our communities incorporating volunteer gigs and opportunities for prayer and worship.

Dating relationships need to know forgiveness:  Our purpose to love one another as Christ does, is HARD!  We all have our failings, brokenness and sin.  Thus, we will inevitably hurt one another and just like we rush towards the Sacrament of Reconciliation we too have to learn to forgive each other again and again.  “Christians are called to love by continually and repeatedly repenting of their failings, by ongoing conversion, trying to live up to their faith again, and forgiving those around them who fail.”

Dating relationships change over time:  First, it’s never a process to try out another person for compatibility – “that assumes a consumer mentality with regard to people.  It becomes shopping for a partner.”  Kind of like my ex described the process.  BUT, people are not commodities- if we treat each other like a product than we are reducing the likeness of God in each other.  We are violating the greatest commandment.  Thus, dating begins as a friendship that grows and helps us to learn about another person and care about him or her.  It also allows us to learn to love other people for who they are and continue to grow in this love…”

I found King’s guide extremely helpful, because that’s how I try to approach all my relationships (whether romantic or not).  I try to be loving, and accepting of the other person because God tells me to do so- it pleases Him and because I want to be treated with the same regard.  Throughout King’s description of Catholic dating God gave me a lot of areas to work on.  The first and foremost to look at everyone with the same Christian eyes of love and kindness; to see Christ in everyone no matter my intentions.  Even if we are not at the moment dating anyone, this information is great practice for when God sends on us on that path.  That’s why I was so eager to share it with all of you.