Pope Francis: On Love & Courtship

A few years ago, after a church event, I was having lunch with Father and the conversation led to marriage and after asking for my age he concluded that I was ready for marriage and needed to start looking for a husband.  I was shocked that he was asking me to be actively open to marriage, especially since I felt really happy in my state of life and also believed that "if and when God willed it" I would find my prince charming.  Yet, Father didn’t let me leave the lunch without promising that I would think about being more proactive in my dating life.  The nerd that I am, I decided to read books about Christian courtship from solid Christian writers to get a better understanding about the journey that I was embarking in.  While the books proved helpful – they left much to be desired.  The books tended to describe perfect scenarios, most were focused on single people during the college years and some were written before the internet became another source in the dating process.  Also, I found that after reading many books some contradicted each other in acceptable ways to go about the dating process.  Some were way too conservative while others were too idealistic.  Though, they helped me understand that I must look at the dating scene with Christian eyes- I wasn’t satisfied with what I learned. They left a lot to be desired.  These past couple of weeks I have been reading the latest papal encyclical, Amoris Laetitia and I never imagined that I would get the best dating advice from Pope Francis! 

In his apostolic exhortation Pope Francis touches on many different topics concerning the family- it really is a great read for all people it’s just such a splendid source of wisdom.  As I was diving into the pope’s writing I began to hear God’s voice speaking specifically to me.  Here’s what I heard that I would like to share with you… I grew up watching Spanish soap operas (they are synonymous to the Mexican culture) and they formed my mentality about the opposite sex.  I learned that flowers, chocolate, romance and happy endings were designated for lovers.  That two people in love lived in their own magic bubble and that love between a man and a woman was the epitome of a fairytale.  Also, this kind of love arrived mysteriously – perhaps from an arrow from cupid.  While most courting books were a bit more realistic in their approach than Mexican tevenovelas- I saw that all still held to the principles that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.  The difference in the sexes is sacred- God created us so- I mean Adam knew when he saw Eve that she was bone of his bones, and flesh of his flesh.  He knew that she was just like him, but different so he called her woman.  However, in my experience dating books make it seem like men and women at are odds – like our differences are so great that they complicate the courting experience.  Which is why I found Pope Francis so refreshingly wise.

Pope Francis breaks it down to a matter of friendship.  While society tells us to skip the friendship phase in romantic relationships, our pope tells us that friendship is what makes things real.  He encourages people of the opposite sex to cultivate healthy friendships.  In fact, he goes on to say that many times people that are engaged and even married don’t know each other precisely because they missed this step.  He blames this on popular culture and fantasizing one another. He warns us about superficial relationships and challenges us to foster bonds that promote tenderness and knowing one another.  In friendship, two are able to get to know each other honestly without the anxiety or need to show only one’s better side.  In friendship there’s no criticism, but acceptance.  In friendship two get to know each other in the worlds that both live in.  In friendship, the individualistic mentality is challenged and the two not only spend time alone, but also together with the religious community, friends and family… The way Pope Francis explains things is way better than I can (so read the encyclical, SMILE), but I really walked away feeling a lot more hopeful about me and the opposite sex because I finally understood that friendship takes away the intimidating fear that comes with putting myself out there.  Friendship is something I am good at while dating is not.  So, I loved that Pope Francis broke it down to how God wired us.  “Be a friend,” is what Father told me and now I understand the meaning of that a little better...  The other day I was walking my dog and I realized that whenever he sees another dog he stops, wags his tail and acknowledges that there’s another one like him.  This gesture reminded me of how God created us to be relational – just as God craves for us to have a relationship with Him, He also desires that we relate to one another in Christian brotherhood no matter what type of relationship we have with one another (sister, friend, girlfriend, employee, etc).