I've been
thinking of vulnerability and how difficult it is to show our real selves all
the time especially to new people or in new situations. I hate the gym, a while ago I had a gym
membership and every time I would be there I felt like a hamster trapped in a run-about-bubble. I would look around at all the people running
on treadmills (all hamsters in plastic bubbles) and my agoraphobic anxiety
would increase until I felt the need to escape the gymnasium zoo. Though, I challenged myself, thinking that
with familiarity I would soon enjoy the gym, I realized that I preferred the
outdoors in matters of activity. To
begin with, signing up for a membership required me to step out of my comfort
zone- because I erroneously thought that I would only see extremely fit people
at the gym and boy would it be embarrassing to be the only one huffing and
puffing to keep up on the workout machines.
Yet, to my surprise all shapes of people workout at gyms… Yet, my hamster anxiety pushed me out into
the natural world for exercise. Lately,
I have been thinking of taking Zumba classes at a gym near my home and again I
have been prepping myself to go in there and buy the ten class pass to get
started. I’m just afraid that I won’t be
able to keep up in the classes and sometimes fear of ridicule can be so
paralyzing… The thing is that my journey
in this world will always propel me into new territories that will terrify and
make me vulnerable. As an adult I think
it’s more difficult to try new things because I have practically mastered all
the ways to protect myself. Sometimes pride
also gets the better of me. Last week I
was hanging out with my nephew and he loves asking me questions that many times
I don’t know how to answer; yet, he doesn’t judge or criticize me when his
questions leave me stumped. He
understands (better than me) that we don’t have to have all the answers, we don’t
have to know it all, and it’s ok to be clueless in unexplored areas of our
lives. In fact, he loves discovering new
things and is brave enough or perhaps innocent enough to be naturally vulnerable and to ask for help or admit that he doesn't know. Jesus knew what he was talking about when he
motivated us to be like children!
There are
areas that I have little familiarity with, like matters of the heart. I struggle when speaking with people from the
opposite sex (especially when there’s attraction), I don’t enjoy small talk and
I have no idea how things progress. My
way of dealing with my inexperience was to keep away, to not show my feelings
and to hope that a miracle would happen that would bring me a man who would be
so persistent that he would tear down my walls. Yet, as I have gotten to know God, He has
taught me (what my nephew knows so well) how to be vulnerable. Not having a lot of experience with the
opposite sex is ok, not knowing how to keep a conversation going initially is
ok, feeling vulnerable because I don’t know the how’s of matters of the heart
is ok. Looking at the church Fathers,
the men God chose I see a bunch of weaklings that rose to the occasion because
of God- to glorify Him. As an adult, I constantly
feel like I need to have a mastering of everything, but when I hang around my
nine-year-old nephew I see that it’s ok to not know; in fact, it’s even ok to
not have a stinking clue (smile). What
matters is being open to learn and having the courage and perhaps the humility
to be vulnerable. My kiddo asked me on
Saturday to teach him to dance, he has a new favorite song, “Shut Up and Dance,”
he likes it because he gets to sing a bad word (LOL). So, we had a dance battle in our living room floor. While dancing can be quite a mortifying process
just being silly inspired him to try some moves out and there while dancing
with him I realized that trying new things is not so bad – it’s who you try
them with that makes the difference. So,
this week I will go into that gym and get my Zumba pass.
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