A Glimpse of Heaven

I love this time of year, even though there are more gray skies the atmosphere seems more joyful.  Or maybe it’s because I enjoy the holidays this season brings.  Starting with Halloween, I love the creativity of transforming myself into a totally different character. Then Thanksgiving Day challenges me to prepare a feast for my family, ending with Christmas and the joy of Jesus’ birthday.  All these great days to plan and look forward to. 

Now, as I have practiced my Catholic faith a bit, I also love this time of the Catholic calendar.  I adore getting to celebrate the lives of so many of the saints that I hold most dear, one right after the other.  Starting with the Saint Therese of Lisieux, the Archangels, our Guardian Angels, Saint Francis of Assisi, Saint John Paul II…  This year I realized that a new saint of my devotion also has a feast day during this time of year, Saint John Capistrano.  Since I spend most of my week in San Juan Capistrano, five minutes away from the basilica I have been drawn to his life most recently.  He also happens to be another Franciscan brother (smile).

Divine Mercy Santuary in Krakow

 

Sometimes, if I have the time I will go over to the basilica and just sit in the beautiful church.  Whether it’s before work or during my lunch - I enjoy the silence and the beauty that surrounds me.  Usually there will only be a few people inside the big space – so I feel like I am at a silent retreat and the church is my private haven.  I am fond of these moments because they keep my flame alive.  I have learned that my relationship with God needs to be fed, it requires more than just my Sunday commitment.  It is when I am most involved in godly things that I find the most peace in my life.  This autumnal season being aware of all the saints we celebrate at this time of year has been such an elevation in spirit.  Some days I still find myself feeling quite anxious and blue – but having little distractions everyday that remind me of people who walked in this world choosing holiness and trusting God is extremely edifying.  Today, we remember the lives of two patron saints of cobblers.  I love shoes and the silliness of having not one, but two patron saints of shoes is quite humorous. 

Every morning, I look forward to discovering what other saints made their way into the calendar at this time of year… For now I am looking forward to all Saints Day, to feel like I did the first time that I visited the Cathedral of Our Lady of Angels and stood in the middle of the life size tapestries of the saints- surrounded by an army of godliness.  A glimpse of heaven.        

My Halloween Spirit

I love Halloween. 

I love all the creativity that comes with celebrating the holiday.  After a couple years of my spirit being dimmed by Covid I am ready to bring out the creative juices and celebrate this year.  My desk at work is already covered in candy skulls and spooky garland.  The search for the perfect Halloween costume for both me and Francis is underway.  It’s exciting looking forward to things that have always given me so much joy because these past few months have just been about survival.

From my first Halloween back in the eighties I was hooked. At the time we were dirt poor to spend money on frivolous things so my mom would make my costumes.  As a child, I dreamed of store-bought costumes, especially when my cousin wore a maid’s outfit and hers was sexy while the one my mom made me was historically appropriate.  I looked at her shiny, short skirt trimmed with lace and her off the shoulder top and compared it my puritan style costume.  Same when we wore nurse outfits, mine was straight out a hospital while my cousin looked hot in hers.  I didn’t realize then, that kids also envied my costumes which weren’t just authentic, they were really nicely made.  In high school, I decided that I wanted to dress as Juliet and my mother again made my beautiful renaissance costume, this time I did hear remarks from other students jealously saying that they would never spend so much money on costumes.  The funny thing is that my costumes were homemade specifically to save money. 

Eventually my mom’s intention to remain authentic to the costume was passed on to me and I realized that I wasn’t the type to use Halloween as a vehicle to trampy.  Halloween was a day I could be anything I wanted to be, even a saint!  So these past years I have mixed my Catholic faith and my love of costumes to educate others (including myself) on the lives of the saints.  This year, I am not sure if I will dress as a saint because in years past I used to go to our Fall Fest at church with my nephew- and he’s a teen now too old to participate. Sigh! However, I still plan to dress up to work staying true to integrity of the character that I will bring to life.     

Rite of Admission

Yesterday, I finally had my Rite of Admission in my Secular Franciscan Order!  After years of being on hold, first because we didn’t have a spiritual director and then because of Covid; I felt like I would never leave limbo.  Many times, I asked God if this path was really what He wanted for me because I felt like the longest person in formation.  Yesterday, when I finally was able to take the next step and participate in the Rite of Admission I was utterly joyful.  I felt the giddiness I felt when I celebrated my First Communion!

The short ceremony was so utterly beautiful.  The communal prayers were wonderful.  Afterward, my fraternity gave me my first wooden Tau cross, the rule and a book to continue guiding my path towards profession.  My sponsor showered me with an exquisite bouquet of roses – there was even a couple of delicious cakes!  I was then hugged and congratulated by every member, I honestly felt like my heart would burst in thanksgiving and joy. 

Lately, I have been struggling with anxiety and the communal rite and celebration gave me so much hope, it was just what I needed.  I realized how much I have missed and needed community during these past months and I am so blessed that I have a spiritual family.  Hopefully, we will continue to meet in person and share special moments.  Even though I know my community is pretty awesome, I was still blown away by their kindness and generosity in making my day so utterly memorable. 

The wait made this moment more special (now I know how Saint Clare felt) and I am so looking forward to my profession and finally joining the Franciscans.  

Thrifted floral dress for the occasion. 

Better Times Ahead

I think during the pandemic I have struggled quite a bit and I am sure you have noticed because I haven’t been writing like usual.  I put so much energy in getting the “must do’s” out of the way that creatively I have suffered.  I also tried to switch medications during this time because Seroquel causes weight gain and I thought I was stable enough to try something with less damaging side effects. The new drug that I tried gave me a great sense of restlessness and after a couple months of trying to see if these feelings would diminished – I returned to my regular meds. 

During this pandemic I have seen many people thrive creatively because at home restrictions have given people the time to do things.  Me? I, am just surviving.  Yet, I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I guess for people like me whose quality time is her strongest love language, not being able to see others really messed me up.  However, I am beginning to see more loved ones and to have great conversations and moments that nurture my soul.  My weekly bible study is back in session, my Franciscan group just started meeting in person, there’s more events around my faith that I can start attending and I am back to seeing my faith sisters.  These moments of interaction have been so needed, so healing.  Even so, I still feel quite insecure, but I know that each day I find a little more balance in my life.

In my work, I see a lot of kids with mental disabilities and they are really struggling right now.  Even my coworkers most who don’t have mental illnesses are hurting and I thank God that even though I am bipolar that I am still able to function and help others.  I told one of my kids who has developed quite an attachment to me, that I would be out on Monday because I was going to see a comedian a bit away from my home.  And he was like, “If you are watching the comedian during the weekend why won’t you be here on Monday?”  I laughed and told him I needed a mental day to just relax so that I can be a better teacher.  Last time I was out, he freaked out with the substitute so he appreciated me telling him in advanced.  Being bipolar has given me a better understanding for working with teens with similar issues and lots of patience during this unusual time in education.          

 

This Too Shall Pass

I woke up yesterday thinking it was Saturday! I took out Francis for his morning bathroom routine and made coffee to sit in my favorite yard chair when mom asked, “are you not going in to work today?”  I still felt quite certain my mom had her days wrong and I annoyingly said, “It’s Saturday.” Sure enough, she broke the truth and I had to rush and get ready to make my drive to school…  In my world I constantly hear of peers that are retiring or changing job careers during this pandemic and I keep telling myself keep hustling these next few months – survive things will get better.  We have been told that maybe in January we will go back to complete in person instruction… So, more normal days are in view.

This past week, I took a mental health day because I was seriously so overwhelmed and the next morning I had a message from one of my students asking if I would be at school otherwise he wouldn’t attend.  Aww, he missed me!  Then last week I sacrificed my lunch to have the Student Council students tie dye their shirts and one of them caught me before my next period and said, “Thank you, I really needed that.”  I was going over with a friend how these days I feel so overwhelmed and how these two kids were small victories and she said- just imagine all the ones that feel the same way, but don’t express it. 

I have this perfectionist complex also known as atychiphobia that makes everything so much more challenging because I want everything to go according to my expectation and these days I feel like a failure almost every day because every day things go wrong. The internet goes out, my shared documents don’t work when students try to open, my in-person students are quicker at working than my online and get bored while we wait for everyone to finish, and my discomfort of being in front of a camera hasn’t gotten any better…  I even hate the drive home these days because all of my home exits are under construction so traffic gets really backed up.  At a stretch that should take me ten minutes to travel I average thirty minutes on a good day.

Then I get home and I am fried.  I feel like I use all my creativity to make learning fun that when I get home I just want to sit still. Sure, I see projects that I can do, but sitting still usually wins.  LUCKILY, things are starting to go back to normal and now I can go to weekly Bible study.  Like my student needed that social aspect of tie dying I too need my weekly dose of faith sharing.  It so comforting to be with others and vent in a creative way, not as a form of complaining, but a way to validate that what we are experiencing due to the effects of the pandemic is unprecedented.  I find comfort in being reminded that I haven’t lost anyone close due to the virus, that I still have a job and all my basic necessities are met and that this too shall pass…

Discerment

 I went on a half day discernment retreat this past Saturday.  Though the discernment was about whether I want to continue in the Franciscan path, I was able to think about my vocation.  I am single, been so for most of my life, but I do want to get married and have children.  I was telling my sponsor that weddings don’t make me jealous, what does cause a tingle of envy in me are baby showers.  When I attend baby showers I feel like there’s a joy that I might never experience and sometimes I feel this sadness inside my heart.

My sponsor said that maybe I am called to motherhood and that unsettling feeling is just a push from the Holy Spirit.  I told her my child bearing years are coming-to-a-close and that I might never fulfil that desire.  Then she told me that she didn’t get pregnant until ten years after she was married at the age of forty-three. Having her son was one of the happiest moments of her life especially after waiting for him for so long.  Not wanting to have an only child she and her husband adopted a daughter.  I needed her testimony because when I put limitations on God, He is full of surprises and the stories of others help me see that the world is full of His miracles.

Lately, I have been so focused on my job because it tends to pull all of me towards it.  I mean I work with students that need me and I can get so consumed by that need that I forget there are other areas of my life.  Then with the drastic effects of Covid I feel so utterly guzzled up that I have little energy for anything else.  After a day of hectic hybrid teaching I just want to vegetate in front of my TV to drown my thoughts with doggy smooches - no longer be on call to anyone. Even then, my phone will beep with a message from one or two students who need help.  I didn’t think it would take only two years for me to feel so burned out!

Yet, feeling so utterly consumed by my job, I realize that while I love my job (most days) I would give it up in a minute if I was given the opportunity to be a wife and a mother.  After God granting me what I asked him for, with this job I realized that there might be a another calling for me because deep in me I desire a family of my own.  I am not sure how this will come to fruition, me being such an introvert, but I know that God laughs in the face of impossibility.               

New Experiences

I took my nephew to his first day of high school this past week.  He was so nervous he skipped breakfast and when I asked him about his first day, he told me that he couldn’t find the cafeteria and his little group of friends all went without lunch or water.  The following day when I dropped him off, I told him, “I can’t believe that you and your friends, who are in the smartest classes, couldn’t figure out how lunch works.  Today, jokingly ask the teacher if Freshman are meant to starve and to be so weak by the last period that concentration is impossible from going without lunch. Be the hero for your friends and ask the teacher so that you all get fed.”  That was a good segue into new experiences causing high anxiety.  I shared with him, how every time I start a new class I always feel super nervous, but then after a few days it becomes the new norm and my nerves leave me.  Teachers are as nervous as the students I told him, so just keep that in mind that you are not alone in your uneasiness the first few days of school.  The second day report was a lot better they all ate and he was able to enjoy his classes.

Seeing my nephew so nervous as he started a completely new school – bigger- a whole new world, it comforted me because new experiences are tough!  And I think as we get older we can beat ourselves up for feeling anxious and so out of control with new things.  It’s like just because we aged we now have to be comfortable in all situations without nerves.  This week I started teaching a new class and I was so nervous because it was my first time teaching in a hybrid format.  Normally I have my virtual and in person kids at different appointments, but as our school works at getting all students back in person now direct instruction has to be hybrid with virtual and in person students together at the same time.  All week my anxiety was to through roof because I have to lead and in my mind I was thinking how much the kids would hate it because I hate teaching in this format.  Yet, my nephew taught me that even though I am the teacher I am allowed to make mistakes and be super nervous because I am human.  And it’s perfectly human to feel so utterly out-of-control-nervous when trying new things.

I think as I age, the anxiety will try to get the best of me.  It will try to get me to avoid new experiences, but if I push through those uncomfortable feelings I can grow and learn.  I might even discover new things I enjoy.  

   

Check In

How are you doing?

I feel like I am drifting away, like this whole pandemic has cut the cord to my deep connection with the faith community.  My belief is still strong, but I do miss my weekly encounters with people that shared my passion for God.  These days I spend more time with people that don’t share the same faith and it’s hard not feeling like the odd girl out. 

Did you watch the new episode of “The Bachelor” or “Saving Sunset” or “The Real Housewives”?  “No to all of the above,” I say, “I like shows that make me feel good about myself and those reality TV Shows really don’t inspire goodness in me.”  Then the conversation goes dead and I feel like the oddest person alive because I prefer historical drama, PBS or Mastery Theatre shows.  I mean even in the superficiality of conversation I still have a difficult time finding common ground.

I think of Saint Francis and the various people that he spoke with and I know that I need to improve, but it so helps when one has a physical community to belong to.  A place that takes all the weirdos like me.  I miss having those avenues like my Bible Studies, Extension Learning, Theology on Tap and the many other social events that I used to attend with the various church groups in my area.  Being weird was easier then because I had a refuge to go to where my beliefs were validated. 

“O, Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek // To be consoled as to console // To be understood as to understand // To be loved as to love…”

I forget that I am not the center and it’s not always about me, and that’s why I continue to live wanting wholeheartedly to imitate Saint Francis to be more like Him and less like me.

Let Us Pray

Sometimes I get really discouraged about the future.  The most popular answer among the student population that I work with when asked: what do you want to be when you grow up? Is the next influencer or gamer.  No one wants a noble, traditional profession – now it’s about fame and money.  That’s what motivates todays youth.  I get discouraged because while my nephew actually wants to be an anesthesiologist (today), he still doesn’t see the need for God.  I usually am the one that tells his parents when it’s time for the Sacraments and these past few months trying to get them to agree to send my nephew to catechism has been met with numerous excuses.  “I’m not going, I don’t believe in that stuff.” “How can I force him to go when he doesn’t believe?”

I get frustrated because we raised a child who thinks that God and His Church is irrelevant.  Of course, I am not the parent and have tried in my own way to help him providing answers to all the questions that baffle him about the faith and dispute arguments like alien civilizations killing God, among other gnarly things he picks up from Reddit.  Yet, I find myself in the court alone as his parents are more focused on academics and what my nephew voices, then how much an encounter with God would change his life.

Sometimes, I get so discouraged, but then I think of my own conversion story.  I left the church and eventually was led back.  Maybe the same can happen to him, so while my actions are being met to deaf ears, my prayers will have to do.  Just like my mother prayed for me to find my way to God, I too must rely on that- even when I am so inclined to action.       

Covid and Agoraphobia

I don’t know about you, but trying to live life with a sense of normalcy has been such a challenge after such a long period of quarantine.  Sometimes I feel quite agoraphobic because I have difficulty motivating myself to do things outside my home.  While in-person Mass has been reinstated my normal Bible study groups still for the most part have either continue meeting virtually or not at all.  Though there are some benefits to meeting virtually, I miss the side conversations that I use to have with members from my Franciscan fraternity.  I miss my Monday night weekly study, luckily the Rise women’s monthly meetings have started to be back in person and they truly are food for my soul.  My Master Catechesis Certificate program has also been on hold…

Yet, as things start opening back up, I have difficulty getting myself motivated enough to leave my house.  Sometimes, it’s a couple months before I hit the dog park because I struggle with leaving my house.  I still haven’t gotten my visiting the Blessed Sacrament routine down because I get home from work and I am so accustomed to my home environment being “it” that leaving it again is sometimes quite impossible.  Through my Facebook page I see friends going out and enjoying integrating back into society, it looks like so much fun, but come the weekend and all I want to do is be home.

I have started to do things outside my house a little more, but I struggle with my mind still being trapped in quarantine mentality.  I have shared this with other friends and it seems like it’s normal to feel unmotivated to leave the house because for over a year that was all we were able to do.  I’m hoping that soon I can start making plans to travel and continue challenging myself to get back integrated into society overcoming my new anxiety.