A younger
me, loved September, October, November and December- these months were the
highlight of my year - every year! It
began with the beginning of the school year. September, always felt like a new beginning, a
fresh start. I loved shopping for school
supplies: new pens, pencils, cute notebooks and a binder with a clear cover to
fill with pictures of my favorite basketball player. I was known as the Lakers girl in high school
for a reason. As I began to fit into my
new year, October would begin and I would ponder all month long what I would be
for Halloween. Usually on the last week
of October mom and I would go to the fabric store (one cannot hurry
inspiration) and buy the materials to create my costume. We would spend that last week together
sizing, cutting, sewing and decorating my outfit. Then November would roll and Thanksgiving
break always followed with my birthday celebration. In my home birthdays are special. Even if our tight budget didn’t allow for
presents or cake, mom always cooked my favorite meal and my sister would wake
me up with a serenade. I would get hugs
and kisses and that special feeling of belonging to my small clan. Then, December would follow and I would look
forward to the banquet, those tamales (that were only made one time during the
year) and that yummy ponche! Sometimes
there would be dancing, and always great stories around our traditional Christmas
bonfire. It was such a treat for us kids
who were allowed to stay up until midnight when in full embrace (hugs galore) we
celebrated the birth of Jesus.
Things have
changed- now these months seem a little sadder.
The last
Christmas my clan was complete, in December of 2003, I looked out the window and
my brother in heaven was walking towards our doorstep carrying our first “real”
tree. He had carried it on his shoulders
all the way from the tree lot, which was a couple miles away and he carried it
in the city, while cars drove beside him!
He had no shame, or perhaps a lot of humility. I looked out and couldn’t believe my eyes- he
looked so incredibly happy- like a true mountain man. I ran out laughing, exclaiming, “How? Did you
carry it all the way home?” His smile grew and with great pride he said, “And I
chose the best one, the biggest, fullest one.”
That was my big brother when he managed to come thru the
schizophrenia.
Yet, he
died one sweet November and everything changed.
Nothing was or will ever be the same.
When autumn approaches I still get excited about all those things, the beginning
of school, Halloween costumes… But, November is hard because it holds his
birthday and his death anniversary. November
reminds me that my family is incomplete.
When he died I was so afraid that I would forget him. So afraid that one day I would wake up and no
longer remember the sound of his voice or features of his face. While I know that he’s at peace with God and
that I will see him again. The
separation still hurts, more in November.
Those are the ways of love- when we love sometimes it hurts. This November sorrow is a reminder that love
has no end, not even by death. Next week he
would be turning forty-seven, instead (on the 16th) he’s celebrating
twelve-years in heaven (smile). I can
only imagine the joy and peace that surrounds him and that makes me smile. It makes me smile real WIDE, when I think
that one day along with Jesus he will come to greet me with more excitement
than that one time he carried a Christmas tree on his shoulders all the way
home.
I am
blessed to feel this sweet sorrow- it’s a great testament of our sibling love. It has also taught me that I will never
forget him because he lives in me – he lives in those wonderful memories. Those shared adventures that will be with me
until I breathe my last breath…
“Here’s the
deepest secret nobody knows
(Here’s the
root of the root and the bud of the bud
And the sky
of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
Higher than
the soul can hope or the mind can hide)
And this is
the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
I carry
your heart (I carry it in my heart)”
No comments:
Post a Comment