You Cannot Correct What You Are Unwilling to Confront

Good communication is vital in any relationship- it helps us grow, trust is gained, problems are worked out… It’s the glue that deepens our connections.  The other day my best friend told me that something I said a few months ago really hurt her feelings.  She had been carrying onto this hurt and finally she was able to voice it.  I listened to her and though it’s not easy to hear how I hurt another, confrontation is vital in keeping and cultivating strong relationships.  We were able to talk about the problem and afterwards we felt safe and happy that we were able to clear the air.  This little act renewed our friendship and in the end we laughed and hugged it out.  I also learned that I need to tame my tongue and be more vigilant about the things I say and how I say them to prevent myself from inflicting the same hurt again.  Many people steer away from confrontation because it’s uncomfortable and the fear of rejection is always lurking nearby.  Some even believe that instead of confrontation being a constructive way to strengthen relationships it will only aggravate the problem more.  Yet, I have found that the people in my life who have the courage to tell me when I am wrong are the people that love me most.  They tell me my wrongs not to point fingers, but to help me grow. They also do it in a very loving manner, usually in a safe, private place with a calm voice and the desire for resolution.  As difficult as these moments are they are essential in keeping healthy, satisfied relationships.  Contrary to common belief disagreements in relationships are healthy. They build connection, empower relationships, clarify problems, bring solutions, encourage growth, strengthen trust and create a safe haven for love to persevere.  In our Catholic faith we are taught that love wants the best for the beloved and sometimes in order to inspire growth in another we need these moments of difficult dialogue to bring forth positive change.  Yet, we must always remember to do so lovingly without attacking or belittling our friend.

Healthy confrontations are thought through.  First, I must examine the problem and examine my feelings.  If I am hurt and feel like I have been wronged then I need to find the proper words to express myself in a way that is not attacking the other person, rather encouraging an open dialogue.  I need to try to speak when I am calm and not emotional so that I can speak clearly and rationally.  I also must choose my words carefully, knowing in advance what I want to say.  Finally, I need to set reasonable expectations.  The other person might disagree with me or I might not get an apology if I feel like I need one.  Also, I need to be prepared to listen to the response of the other person and be willing to engage in constructive conversation.  In the end, no matter the results I need to be proud of my strength to be honest (even vulnerable) and willing to work things out.