I Want to Know You More

I want to know you more, the bit that I already know has me craving mas…  There was a period soon after I joined Jovenes Para Cristo that I felt this great connection to God.  The pull was so strong that I began discerning religious life.  I found myself pumping gas or trying to do any other everyday activity and thinking of God only.  I would constantly talk to Him as if He were the pilot in my life.  I slowly began giving up dressing up, wearing make-up, donated a lot of my material possessions and began gradually trying to rid myself of worldly things to make more room for God.  Prayer increased, service increased… After years of just hearing about God, I finally began to convert - to KNOW Him and fruits began to be born - to blossom.  The more the light transformed me the more I wanted to be part of it…  This whole restoration of self and change of erroneous, secular views slowly began to transform me.  And the more that I gave up ungodly things and behaviors the happier and freer I became.  Knowing God, gave people and life a different value.  I don’t think I ever loved anyone without worrying about what I was going to get in return- before God was my friend.  Knowing my heavenly Father taught me to love the right way and the instruction is still ongoing… 

Christianity is a self-denial, sacrificial love type of relationship with God and with others; dying to self to make more room for His Love which in turn makes us better lovers.  I love this line from a poem by Kahlil Gibran, “But if in your fear you would seek only love’s pleasure/ Then it’s better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing floor…”  In today’s society we are told repeatedly that pleasure is the journey, the destination, and the totality of all human experience.  So, when God tells us that our happiness lies in obedience to Him and in loving Him and others like He first loved us, there’s this choice that must be made: follow the crowd or follow the One that created the crowd.  When there’s no relationship with God the obvious choice is to seek the world’s temporary pleasures, to stick with what you know, I mean who doesn’t like an easy fix; but, when we open our hearts to Him we open our lives to eternity.  Not to some transitional form of feeling good, but a Spirit of contentedness in and every situation.  Change is scary, but don’t let fear stop you from changing your life one small step at a time.  Sometimes I feel like I take one step forward and two steps backward- the important thing is to keep trying.  God sees our hearts and loves to see us try to be what He knows we are capable of becoming.

I find myself thinking about marital love these days and I think how scary untraveled paths can be.  What if he doesn’t like me?  What if I am not smart enough for him? What if I am too plebeian? What if I am still such a newbie to the Catholic faith and (he’s been a cradle Catholic) will he dislike me because of my ignorance?  I think all these negative thoughts and starting a conversation with a man leaves me stunted, immobile… because it’s darn scary revealing yourself to someone and having them reject you.  This is where prayer is essential.  I light a paschal candle every night and pray the rosary, along with other prayers and during these moments as I reflect on the mysteries and pray for others God gives me direction and literally empowers me.  In prayer I ask God to help me change in the ways I need to change and to bring me a man without a critical bone in his body (smile).  While I might still be working on developing trust in my relationships I trust God completely.  And I know that if I want a compassionate, humble man who will accept me for who I am and where I am spiritually- I also need to be a compassionate, humble woman who will accept others for who they are and where they are spiritually.  AND to not be intimidated with those who have followed God way longer than I have (wink). 

Christian Dating After Thirty

Navigating through relationships can be very confusing especially when one doesn’t have a lot of experience.  I’ve shared before how I am quite an inexperience person myself with the opposite sex and establishing relationships- even simple friendships are quite a challenge for me.  For the past few years I have read practically every book on Christian dating- and I have come to the following conclusion – while the books have been instructive, most focus on the early college years.  So what about single people after thirty?  It’s as if all authors have forgotten that there are single people past the college years.  I've been thinking that maybe God is giving me all this experience as a single young adult to perhaps write a book that explores the dating process after thirty (smile).  We learn through experience and this knowledge enables us to help others- so when I think of my struggles as a single woman discerning marriage I rejoice thinking that one day, in addition to myself, I might be able to help others through my romantic testimony (smile). Yes, I happen to be the glass half full type of person (wink).  The following are some things that I have recently learned...

• The first thing is to work at being content on your own.  Healthy relationships come from healthy people and healthy people come from having a close relationship with God.  If you are unhappy alone odds are you are going to be unhappy with someone else.
• Take it slow.  I think women particularly need to hear this, especially romantic, mushy ones like me.  Begin building a friendship knowing that the worst possible words are NOT “let’s be friends.”  Starting as friends enables you to love a person for who they are not what they can do for you.    
• Build Trust. Trusting your heart to someone is downright frightful especially if you want to give it away ASAP.  Yet, as trust is built overtime two things happen (one) you realize that giving yourself to someone is the best gift you have to give and (two) you discern whether this person is worthy of that gift.

• Honest Communication.  I know Saint Francis is famous for his quote, “preach the gospel at all times if necessary use words.”  Actions infinitely speak louder, but remember that words are also important especially at the beginning.  At first the conversations among the two of you might be awkward, uncomfortable, even painful, but when challenges come your way look at it as an opportunity to grow and not to give up.  Patience and willing to work at it speaks volumes in regards to each other’s character.
• Don’t have too many rules.  I know friends that have tons of expectations on just being approached in the right way.  I think some of these “rules” in courting books and just within Christian circles make initiating relationships more challenging and confusing.  I know for a long time I was afraid to initiate a friendly conversation with a man- thinking that Christian men would see this as being too forward.  Yet, men need help sometimes because pursuing is scary- especially when women are so insensitive with their expectations and lack of mercy.
• Which brings me to the next point, be forgiving.  Being Christians one would think that we excel in forgiveness, but sometimes our expectations are so deranged that we want perfection from the start.  I have no experience in Christian courtship so I personally know that I suck at it, and I am just hoping God will send me a man that is patient, persistent and forgiving with me.  
• Don’t give the initial friendship too much power because the weight of it will freak you out.  Just take it slow, but don’t “just let it be” because any relationship requires action – even friendships.  Try to remember that the guy or girl you like is not perfect and in no way should be put on a pedestal (that’s God’s place).

I think seven tips (for now) is a good stopping point. 

Serving Heals

A promise I made to my brother on his dying deathbed fueled my reversion into the Catholic faith.  In his memory I embarked on a spiritual journey, similarly God commands that our lives be testimonies of Him.  Many times in the Bible we hear the words, “do this in remembrance of Me.”  He wants to use us.  When I was a teacher I would choose the most difficult students to be my helpers- usually I would give them special jobs and that would make such a difference in their behavior- there’s power in serving.  We were created to be part of family- to be needed and dependent on one another and on God.  I remember when I had just returned to the Catholic Church- I was at Saint Francis Senior Home- I had signed up to volunteer for a few hours (with Jovenes Para Cristo).  Yet, I was so broken and my self-esteem was so low and I felt like I had nothing to contribute.  During our visit due to language barriers, Jovenes Para Cristo, chose me (on the spot) to lead the activities we had prepared beforehand.  At first I refused because I felt so small- yet I knew they needed my help because I was fluent in both languages.  That day while leading simple activities, talking to the abandoned and forgotten seniors, sharing laughs and just witnessing the joy that our small group brought them changed me.  I went into the senior home feeling so small and came out from those two-hours and a half of service feeling useful and full of purpose. 

God had used me, my brokenness, sadness, illness and defeat weren’t obstacles for Him to use me for His glory.  For those two plus hours - my life had meaning- I was needed, I made a difference…  After so much psychoanalysis, hours of countless therapy the simplicity of serving others did more for me than any scientific process could.  For a couple of years after that I became the coordinator that arranged the visits for Jovenes para Cristo to the home and I involved my dog.  My dog brought so much happiness to the women of the home- they always scolded me if I didn’t take him with me…  There’s so much need in the present world and no matter how small you might feel- know that God has always used the lowliest to manifest His glory.

My little Peanut in the many costumes he wore to serve the seniors!

Lately I have been thinking a lot about what Pope Francis spoke about in the “Joy of the Gospel”- this need for encounter- encounter with God and encounter with others.  Knowledge is extremely important- to know our faith is critical, but our testimony - THAT has compelling power!  To know about God and our faith is crucial, but to know God through our faith that is the essence of Christianity.  How do we get to know God?  One very easy way is through loving our neighbor through acts of sacrificial love.  The Gospels are testimonies of Jesus’ many encounters with others.  He came to serve and asks us to imitate Him.  Jesus had all types of friends, but He had a special place for the poor, the weak the marginalized…  As I began my conversion helping others became extremely important to me and any service opportunity I quickly signed up for it.  Soon my days were filled with service, but my family complained that I never made time for them.  I think sometimes when we are green Christians we think service means joining a crusade, going away on a mission - doing something big and important.  Yet, service should never be a cause for a puffed up Spirit.  The most important place to begin our service is in our homes, with our families and those we love.  Helping out in very small, everyday ways- that's what God wants more of.  Just normal everyday people in ever day life loving in extraordinary ways.         

  

Godly Friendships

I had been running Lenten and Advent bible studies at my home for a couple years and last Christmas some of my friends decided that it would be awesome if we could rotate host homes.  This Lent my friend has been leading our small faith sharing group at her home- and I must say it’s nice to be the guest (smile).  The chats that we have while exploring scripture are really profound- just full of substance.  These deep conversations and moments together have helped us build strong bonds and to get to know each other in ways that without Christ takes years (if it ever really happens).  I often hear people comment on how once they started really living out their faith they lost many of their friends- my experience has been the opposite, since my conversion my friends have multiplied.  My non-Christian friends have been awesome and supportive in my new found journey, and though at times I do feel a little pressure to digress (in the drinking and partying side) my friends motivate me to continue living a life modeled after Jesus.  I shared with Father this dilemma- about sometimes feeling like I need to drink and play the fool to relate to my old acquaintances and his solution was to hang out with godly friends more often so that when I am out in the secular world I am encouraged by my tight faith circle to be the light of the world.  These small faith sharing groups really help me because all of the girls that gather want a greater spiritual life, to know God more intimately and strive for holiness. We learn a great deal from each other’s testimony- especially as we open up about our struggles trying to live out our faith- and we pray together for the needs that each of us have.  These bible studies truly are a blessing!  I encourage you to get involved in a small faith sharing group or to start one in your home.  Growing in your faith with others truly is a blessing that will inspire and rejuvenate your relationship with God- and will also bless you with other people who want the best for you.

Am very blessed because God has given me so many great people – especially women to walk towards Him in unison.  When I am down, they cheer me on.  When I am hurting over a heart ache they motivate me to not give in to self-pity.  When I am tired and hopeless they encourage me.  When I am closed off they don’t let me get away with superficial answers to questions, but dig deep until they know what’s really going on in my life.  When I am struggling with sin they hold me accountable.  When I don’t want to talk they wait until I am ready to share.  When I am confused they offer godly council and they understand me in ways many don’t.  But most importantly they pray with me and for me- AND they genuinely love me EVEN with all of my baggage and all of my weaknesses…  Life is hard, but when you have a strong core group of people who share your faith- you realize that we were made to live in community that in order to reach sanctity we need each other.  I often think that God has given me so many friends because He knows how needy I am – and with the number of friends I have, He is able to spread the burden of me among many shoulders (smile).  I guess it takes a village to keep me sane (smile)!  

Our personal Lenten intentions to grow in. 

My First Encounter Part III

God comes to meet us with such persistence and unconditional love- no matter how many times we reject Him, He continues to pursue us.  I was the most reluctant revert, even though He encountered me in such powerful ways- I still didn’t want to turn my life to Him.  I arrived at the Old Catholic Evangelical Church lost and broken.  Sometimes when we find ourselves in so much need and we don’t know God intimately we place our hope on more tangible sources like men.  As I sat in on the Bible studies, attended Mass and began building a relationship with my church leader- slowly I began to fall in love with him.  The priest was a few years older than me and he really wanted to help me.  He gave me a lot of special attention and slowly I fell for him.  He was a handsome, intelligent man full of the Spirit of God and I confused his kindness for something else.  At times he led me to believe that he too felt the same way, he bought me chocolates, sent me uplifting emails and just showered me with a lot of attention.   I soon found out that Old Catholic Church priests are allowed to get married and I was filled with hope.  Then one day in a moment of weakness I shared my feelings with him and he blew me off- so I told him that I was going to start attending a new church because I needed to put space between us.  He agreed.  And broken hearted I left his church.  As I made my way around protestant churches looking for my spiritual home- I kept being drawn back to the Roman Catholic Church, the Eucharist just called me home.  In 2007, my brother invited me to live a retreat with Jovenes Para Cristo at Saint Barbara Parish.  After the retreat I went to confession for the first time in my adult life with a priest and as I knelt in the confessional, I told him my story.  I was afraid that he would condemn me for attending other churches, but very loving he welcomed me home.  I even asked him if I could stay inside the parish and pray and attend mass and he warmly said yes. That night he celebrated mass- he was a retired priest the opposite in every way from the one that I had left behind.  During his homily I felt God speaking to me so clearly and I knew that I had found my home. 

A few months after I was a regular at Saint Barbara Parish, I got an email from the young priest.  He was asking me to return to his church that he missed me.  I had just began to heal and I was so angry that he was doing this to me.  I felt like he was playing with my emotions, but I still cared for him a great deal – after all I had been under his guidance for two years.  I was confused, so hurt and tempted to go back.  One night of prayer at a Jovenes Para Cristo meeting, the members prayed over the newly initiated folk and this young guy came to me and asked me if he could pray for me, I agreed.  As I listened to his prayer I felt God telling me to talk to this man about my situation.  After the meeting I asked him for his number and called him that night.  He remained on the phone with me until early hours of the morning while I sobbed and shared my testimony.  He listened and then he shared a similar experience of his own with me and told me to remain strong and keep moving forward he promised he would pray for me.  His words and promise to pray for me gave me courage and though it hurt like hell I never replied to the email nor sought the priest again. (My friend went on to become a Catholic missionary).

Very slowly God healed me, and he provided the best group of people who pray with me and encourage my faith.  Encountering Christ has happened since a wound so deep left me on the side of the road to die- and since then love came softly.  I love God- am not sure when it happened- the exact moment that I fell head-over-heels in love with my celestial Father.  I just know that He wooed me slowly and ever so patiently and every day (if I don’t waste it) I encounter Him all over again…      

My First Encounter

My First Encounter Part II

Los Angeles Religious Education Congress

“The only way to take life seriously is to realize that this is the only one you get,” Mark Hart shared this bit of wisdom this past weekend at the Los Angeles Religious Education Congress and it really hit home.  Sometimes I forget how precious life is and how deadly taking it for granted can be, but in the hustle of everyday anxieties and problems I too lose my focus and fall into the temptation that my life will be long and I take my days and loved ones for granted.  I think that the saints really excelled in living their lives seriously and we can learn a great deal from them… I attended two of Mark Hart’s workshops over the weekend and the second one, on reclaiming joy in our spiritual lives, really inspired me.  There were a few protesters outside the conference a group of fundamental Christians casting their judgment upon us Catholics and the Catholic Church.  They said really wild, offensive things.  I found them really amusing because I had never been to an event where my faith was being challenged and judged so ferociously.  As the protesters shouted insults, and expressed their fanaticism some Catholic’s challenged them, other’s ignored them (which only fueled their negativity).  I sat outside having my lunch and studying the scene and slowly I found the whole thing a little funny.  One of the protesters, shouted into a speaker, “Mother Teresa and Pope John Paul are frying in hell and you know what they sound like, AHHHHHHHH!”  Maybe I have a macabre sense of humor, but after the shock of his statement I laughed admiring his creativity.  I sat eating my sandwich thinking these men are really passionate in their hate towards the Catholic faith- and as I saw arguments between the protesters and Catholics begin to arise I remembered the words of my wise political science teacher, “never argue over opinions not only is it a waste of time and energy, but people generally are not looking to be won over.”  As the scene intensified- I realized that Catholics were as bad as the protesters because instead of being loving some challenged the protesters into bigger fits and those who ignored them were not any better… I thought what these men need is a testimony of love- that we Catholics are a people of faith and above all love.  That love is what we have in common with them- love for Jesus and our neighbor…  I thought of buying them bottles of water since their throats must be parched from all the shouting, but then a friend found me in the crowd and I forgot about being loving and about the protesters.

Later in Mark’s workshop he reminded me of the protesters when he said some funny joke about going to hell and I remembered forgetting to buy them water.  After the workshop I looked around, but the protesters had been banned for the day…  Sometimes in situations that are so bleak where we are being attacked we need to remember to be loving and joyful.  I think if many of us (myself included) who attended the conference would have been more loving, humble and joyful towards the protesters we would have been a refreshing surprise to this group.  We might have even calmed them enough to enter into a dialogue of love, of the things we share in common- to help them see us as their brothers and they ours.  Yet, most responded selfishly trying to defend a God that doesn’t need defending- nor does He ever encourage us to defend Him.  On the contrary, He motivates us to love one another.  I regretted not showing them love- I was not taking my life seriously- I got lost in myself and in the moment.  How many times does this happen- when we get so distracted from giving witness- from being the light of God to others.  I thought a lot of Mark's words this weekend and that motivated me to pick a book on the lives of the saints, because I need to be inspired by godly men and women who took the message of love and self-denial and left such a huge footprint in this life...  Men and women who lived life knowing that they were just passing through this world.     

My First Encounter Part II

Gotta have faith.

Love comes gradually.  After my first spiritual retreat I began attending a night of bible study talks directed by the priest of the Old Catholic Church I was attending.  I would sit in the last row just listening never participating.  This pattern followed for a year- I would go to Mass and the talks, but from Thursday thru Saturday I would self-medicate with alcohol and late night partying.  I was drawn to Christian philosophy and the way of life, but at the time I felt like I couldn’t give up my current lifestyle.  It seemed like God was asking for way more from me than He would give in return.  Things got really bad - I would get so wasted to temporarily numb the pain.  At the bar I frequented the waitress started bringing me bottles of wine instead of selling it to me by the glass, knowing that I was a heavy drinker.  One night I got so pissing drunk that I got our group kicked out of a club.  I was also driving under the influence- just trying to self-destruct.  My best friend (the biggest party girl and liberal) had to have an intervention with me- as we walked our dogs she told me that I was scaring the group with my drunken behavior that I needed to tone it down a bit.  As I began to drink less the depression got worse.  Yet, I would show up to Mass every Sunday morning completely hung over and cry during the entire service.  God was calling me higher, but I was afraid and so used to my darkness that His light seemed impossible- out of reach for me.

God is a gentleman, He never pushes one farther or faster than we are willing (or ready) to go.  After speaking with the priest – I went back on treatment for my bipolar disorder.  Yet, it was as if all the evil forces of the universe were out to get me.  Finding the right combination of drugs that were compatible with my brain chemistry was another year full of mental anguish.  As we tried different combinations of drugs the side effects were horrible.  The worst was hearing voices.  Am not sure how to explain what hearing voices is like- other than a terrible mental prison at war! This negative, never ending dialogue taking place inside your head.  You can’t sleep, eat, you can’t listen to anyone, you see messages in writing and reality is so confused and distorted by the imaginary that one is lost and trapped by our own mind.  Eventually the voices start giving orders – and one of the last orders people usually receive is to end it through suicide.  One restless night- I received the command to end my life.  In the solitude of the night I was ready to obey, but my little dog with his beautiful innocent eyes brought me back to reason and together we survived the night.  I owe my life to my dog.

The following day, I went to a healing service and a visiting priest- one who knew nothing about me not even my name placed his hands over my head.  I closed my eyes and as he prayed over me I saw this great white explosion in my brain.  Then he said, “your mind and heart have been healed.”  Since then the voices went away and I have been stable on my medications.  Later, that week I would find out that the voices were a result of two medications that shouldn’t have been combined and while science gave me a solution to the healing – I know that it was God alone who healed me.  I have often wondered how the priest knew that my mind was hurting as much as my heart broken.  Never again have I seen this priest so I guess my questions will have to wait until we meet again on the other side... Miracles are still happening every single day…  Place you hope in God and the impossible trembles at the sound of His voice. 

To be continued…    

My First Encounter Part I    

My First Encounter Part III 

My First Encounter

Father is having this Lenten series and he asked us to write down our own personal stories about our first encounter with God.  And since a few weeks ago I shared about my romantic journey- today I would like to share the moment(s) that I knew God was for me.  I told you that science and philosophy pulled me away from my faith and made me a very suspicious person in matters of religion… So, it’s a bit difficult for me to talk about my encounters because they all were miraculous moments that are inexplicable without sounding loony...  The day I found my brother in a pool of blood and raced behind the ambulance to the emergency room- was the most difficult day of my young life. As I waited, while doctors performed multiple surgeries and tried to keep him alive- I felt trapped in the waiting room and ran outside into the parking lot.  As the sun shined brightly I asked God to take him, to stop my brother’s pain- I begged, I bargain and I prayed like never before.  Unable to cry from the shock I remained sitting on the curb staring at my sneakers and bloodied clothes, “Lord make his pain stop.  Inflict whatever malady on me, but make his hurt stop.”  Immediately, I was embraced by the coolest wind and as it blew it took away my fears and brought a sense of peace deep within me.  I knew that God had heard me, and I remained outside on that curb for who knows how long just wrapped in the arms of His wind. 

The doctors came out and told us that my brother had survived the surgeries, but that he was in critical condition and the odds of him pulling through were unlikely.   We waited throughout the night huddled in the small waiting room, the sobs from my mom and my sister made everything more difficult.  That’s when I read the Book of Job for the first time…  The following day the doctors told us that my brother was in a vegetative state and that it was our choice whether to pull him off the respirators.  The five of us went around casting our votes, luckily he passed away before we reached a decision.  Which was another answered prayer because I had asked God to decide for us.

After the funeral our relatives began calling the house to check in on us.  As time went by some began asking us to pray fervently because my brother was probably in a dark place due to the manner in which he died.  This caused a lot of anguish, especially in my mom and I was so angry that instead of helping us their commentary was making things worse.  I tried consoling my mom, but I too began to doubt.  In the following months I went on my first spiritual retreat, the priest told us to pray about what we wanted from God.  I remember thinking God please tell me my brother is in a good place.  During holy hour as the priest approached me with the monstrance, I bowed my head and closed my eyes.  Then I was walking barefoot on the wet earth in a long white dress. As I made my way down a corridor of green hedges one of my hands curiously felt the leaves of the walls.  When I reached the end of the hall I entered a garden room and I saw Jesus smiling and opening his arms for me to run into- I waited stupefied.  Then Jesus took a few steps towards me and behind him in a royal cape and with a crown on his head was my brother.  I ran and wrapped my arms around him, and then I was sandwiched in an embrace between Jesus and my brother.  As I came back into the reality of the retreat room I was on the floor and tears were running down my face.  Since he passed I had not been able to cry- that night my healing began. 

The vision sounds quite unbelievable – but God’s ways have a humbling effect on us.

To be Continued...  

My First Encounter Part II

My First Encounter Part III

Holy Spirit Lead Us

In Houston my friend took three of us to a holy hour with a charismatic group that she belongs too.  It was a beautiful hour in the presence of our Lord.  As we made our way out towards the parking lot a man we had never met told us that he had been praying for us so that God would give us the gift of patience.  I was really intrigued by his announcement and knew that it was the Holy Spirit speaking through him.  You see, single Christian women are told constantly to wait to be pursued.  I know that since my mom had “the talk” with me she ingrained in my brain the female Christian norms of waiting.  Some days it’s easier to live with this dating philosophy, but other times I feel like I am wasting my time.  I know I speak an awful lot about the death of my brother- but losing him changed me- my life divided in two: while he lived and after he died.  His death gave my life context: people and time had new meaning.  I find myself thinking of the promises I made him on his death bed – like living a life with no regrets and to not take time or people for granted- and I cringe at times thinking of days wasted- because waiting with no tangible results can be despairing. 

Every Sunday, I help out with RCIA for the first half of my day.  Yesterday, we had a beautiful prayer service for our elected and as I sat interceding for them I realized that waiting is an active time.  We are called to take care of our God given lot and trust that God will take care of our needs.  Thus, while we wait we need to be active in our relationships and our responsibilities.  Spend time loving you friends and family, work hard, educate and form yourself, grow in spirituality, help your neighbor, live an authentic faith… Learn to be happy with the people and gifts God has already given you so that when He adds more you will know how value and appreciate all of His offerings.  Waiting does not mean waiting by the phone for the man you like to call you- but to worship God in word and deed enjoying all the phases of your life.

Women are continually told to wait, but men also need to hear that they need to pursue.  Pray about the girl that you like and then act.  I know rejection is scary- but waiting forever or not acting at all is worse.  Prayerfully follow your heart and mind- and know that you are the leader so it’s up to you to initiate, to be clear about your motives and establish the pace of the relationship.  I was listening to a talk on courtship the other day and the speaker made a great point about asking a girl out on a date knowing that it’s just the first step towards beginning a godly friendship that might or might not lead to marriage, "godly men pursue godly women for friendships in the hope that the friendship moves towards marriage because he who finds a wife finds what is good."  The speaker stated how sometimes men over analyze that first date and give it too much value (equivalent to a marriage proposal) and they psych themselves never asking anyone out.  Now with so many ways to keep in touch- it’s easy to begin a friendly dialogue.  The thing is to act.  If a woman is sending you signals that she’s interested, that she likes you- don’t be afraid to pursue.  She needs you to- because she wants to get to know you better.  If she’s Christian she already loves you as her brother in Christ and when you are loved like that only goodness can be built upon that. With someone who loves you as a brother in Christ you can be honest, "I like you, can we can hang out more..." because she wants the best for you.  Honesty is refreshing and she will admire you for it.

God’s Magical World

I was watching the movie “Boyhood” a few nights ago and there’s this great scene in the movie where the son asks the father if there’s any magic left in the world.  And I love the response of the father:

“Well, I don’t know.  I mean, what makes you think that elves are more magical than something like a whale?  You know, I mean, what if I told you a story about how underneath the ocean, there was this giant sea mammal that used sonar, and sang songs, and it was so big that its heart is the size of a car?  And that you can crawl through his arteries? I mean, you’d think that was pretty magical, right?”

In this time of so much exposure to information, we begin to lose the ability to see the grandiosity of God as Creator.  When I was in junior high I went whale watching and I thought I would get to see the entire whale not just a piece of the top of his head.  And I remembered wishing that I could submerge into the waters so that I could appreciate the whale in its entirety.  There’s something quite magical about God’s creation, but many of us miss it every single day because we have lost the wonder and curiosity- that childish ability to be awed.  I went to a conference once and the speaker told us to extend our arm out and admire our hand to make fists, expand it and to twirl it around.  He said scientist have worked years trying to replicate (in prosthetics) the movement that comes so natural to each of us.  My little bird loves to sing with my dad- he recognizes his voice and every afternoon the two break in song.  There’s so much beauty in the natural world around us.  Chesterton said that people who believe in fairy tales never go mad - people who still see magic in the world never go mad (smile).

When I look at the sky covered in cotton clouds, when I feel the chill of the wind, or when my little dog spins in happiness over my arrival- I see God’s magic and I rejoice.  We are all part of a beautiful story- God’s story- and there are many blank pages still in front of us in which to write our own fairytales.  I was raised in a culture of Mexican soap operas where repeatedly love is exaggerated and never grows past the wedding day- I don’t want that in my story. There's nothing wrong with flowers, poetry and romance-but the beauty of love happens in the realness of everyday life.  I want to learn to love selflessly to grow with each passing day and to help my partner grow in Christ too.  To be inspired and for us to guide each other towards heaven.  I look at my parents’ marriage and that’s what I want- their beautiful reality with pains and oh so much laughter… Lately, I have been reading so many books on courtship or dating- to be honest at this point I don’t care what you label it.  They all have their own views on the subject- do this, don’t do this…  My mind is a jumble of dating philosophies.  Then I think of God and I know that his plan for men and women was never meant to be so complicated.  Man asks girl out to coffee, girl says yes and then they build on that discerning if friendship is the final stage of that relationship or if perhaps God wants more for the two of you together.  I think that’s the common pattern I have noticed in all the books. Simple.

Yet, we take it into our hands and we complicate it- we make a mess of it.  We like each other- yet the obstacles and fears seem bigger.  At one of the cruises we broke the two genders apart and we talked about what concerned us about the opposite sex.  Men listen up: women are not these fragile beings that break easily we can handle rejection anytime over confusing kindness, let your no be no and your yes be yes- that my friends is what a gentleman does.  In the event that things don’t work out remember that we are godly folks and we know that no matter the conclusion to the discernment process we will always have God to provide for our needs.  We will recover in due time. I know for a long part of my life I felt like I didn’t want to be the cause of someone’s heartache- I felt like I needed to protect men by staying clear from their path.  Then I dated a Christian for six years and he told me the most hurtful words you can say to a proud soul, “Penny, if you leave me I am going to be ok, I am always going to have God.”  Wow! What wisdom.  Our happiness, joy and peace should never be placed on a finite being.  That’s what God teaches us- I am a jealous God worship me only.  I love that quote, “immature love says, I love you because I need you and mature love says, I need you because I love you.” So don’t let fear of breaking someone’s heart keep you from possibly discovering the best ally to accompany you to heaven or at least to purgatory (smile).

We Were Created for Meaning

The first time I sought treatment for my mental disability (in my early twenties), I remembered that every meeting with my therapist I wouldn’t wear make-up because I wanted to be real.  I didn’t want to wear any masks- but truthfully seek a solution to my internal chaos.  At the time I was really depressed and had a strong connection to the hopelessness of Nietzsche.  Christianity, I believed, had failed me long before and I found myself as a young adult battling with issues of the meaning of life and my existence.  I was also really drawn to mythology and in the Epic of Gilgamesh I found that perhaps what every human could aspire was to leave a legend to be remembered by.  Accomplishment became my purpose, meaning and definition to life.  If I do great things I will be happy.  If I become an important member in society I will be happy…  Yet, as I received certificates for educational accomplishments this void in me still lived unsatisfied by any of my triumphs.  In fact, I felt as Solomon so famously said everything is meaningless…  I’d often wonder why I was troubled with these questions of meaning when most of my friends were happy to just live in the present…  The thing is we were created for meaning.

Inside each of us lies a struggle towards meaning and purpose.  Society tells us that we will find happiness in having a lot of material possessions or that accomplishments will help us lead fulfilling lives.  While the solutions society provide are erroneous it does recognize the need we all have for meaning.  Advertising companies provide alternatives that momentarily supply a bit of pleasure.  Daily we are bombarded with superficiality, drink this, buy this, do this… But meaning requires depth.  Matthew Kelly, describes “our culture as a giant teenager constantly taking trivial things and making them important.”  If you place a professional football player side by side with the ability that each of us have to make a difference in people’s lives – one begins to see that unique talents while a valuable form of self-expression are secondary to our God given purpose.  If you place Lionel Messi with all his talent on the soccer field- next to Mother Teresa and her ability to make a difference in the lives of so many unfortunate lives- we get context.  We begin to see that while Messi’s talent is amazing – the gift each of us have to make a difference in the lives of others is much greater, much more profound, and much more meaningful.

Yesterday, I met with my Small Lenten Faith Sharing Group and the four of us delved into this coming Sunday’s readings.  Scripture gives us so much direction and context for living meaningful lives.  In the Exodus reading, God tells us that those who obey His commandments will find happiness.  God has a plan for our lives and He created us with a purpose- the only way we can find satisfaction is in Him.  Sometimes when my doubts grow in power, I think of my life prior to my conversion and I realize that God is my meaning and purpose.  And no matter the state of my heart as long as I have Him there’s hope and endurance for the trials.  I have been working on prayer this Lent, been spending some time in silence and have been hearing God’s voice full of meaning tell me to wait with my arms open…

Building Trust

A couple nights ago my sleep was interrupted when a thunderstorm hit and my dog’s anxiety kept me up until the prescribed sedative I give him (on nights like this) takes effect.  His body was tense and shaking and I went over to him and wrapped him in my arms and talked to him softly assuring him that everything was alright.  He slid his little head into my arms still not quite convinced, but happy to have me awake to confront the terrors of the storm together… He has such faith in me.  When we go for walks where I lead him he follows – he’s just certain that I will never harm him and always trusts me.  Trust in all relationships is crucial.  As friendships grow so does trust in each other, the more trust we build the closer two people become.  Yet, it’s not as easy initially for us humans to build that trust especially when hurt is involved.  Usually when we are hurt we recoil and withdraw as a protective mechanism. 

Praying for you.

I like to think that I am in this world to love, that life is God’s Love University for all of us.  My life philosophy is to love one another as He first loved me.  Yet, I am imperfect in loving and when I am hurt it takes a little time before I can trust again.  The thing is I don’t want an ambiguous relationship I want to know my beloved and be known by him- but learning to trust after a deep hurt is hard.  That’s why trust needs to be accompanied by love and forgiveness.  I love people easily, but falling in (romantic) love should and takes a little more time and effort by both parties.  There are so many variables like the pace of the relationship from acquaintance, friendship, courting, engagement, to marriage.  And growing deeper in a relationship requires a bit of courage, discernment, prayer, a lot of trust and lots of forgiveness.  My one weakness is that I am not perfect (smile), but I am trying to live a virtuous life and looking for a partner in crime.  I know we will unintentionally hurt each other a lot, but I know that our happiness will be greater.

It all begins with trust and trust is something that needs to be earned slowly as our friendship grows.  Building trust in relationships requires a lot of elements below are five that I think are essential.

Being Able to Keep Things Private:  Knowing that details that happen between the two will not be broadcasted to friends, family, social media, etc. is key to building trust. 

Reliability: Being able to rely on one another is crucial to the health of the relationship.  We are creatures of community who need one another for survival.  This not only builds security, but also expresses dedication to the beloved.

Honesty/ Sharing: Share your needs, values and desires and listen to your partner’s.  Communication is essential and though at first it might be atrocious- if you guys are honest and practice it will improve.    

Growth:  Water that remains stagnant rots and relationships that never move forward have the same destiny.  We are made for conversion to strive every day to be better versions of ourselves.  If both people are working on self-improvement the relationship should also flourish and grow in intimacy.

Predictability: Children thrive on routine and stability, I do too.  I like to know how my beloved thinks, what keeps him happy and how he reacts to life’s trials.  That enables me to better serve and love him.  

There’s many other elements to build trust in relationships, the above are just a few examples.  The beauty is that we are all works in progress and as we build each other up things will get better.  It’s also essential to believe the best in the beloved and to trust first in God.  With God’s help anything is possible (smile).