I Am Good But Not An Angel

Sunday's Outfit consisted of Mexico shirts and Jeans...

Sometimes I feel like I am leading a double life.  On one side I have the self who is passionate about God and things leading to heaven on the other side I have the sinner who takes a step forward and two steps backwards. The truth is that I have been a non-practicing Catholic longer than I have been a person of faith.  For over twenty-four years, God in my life was no more than a fairytale.  Thus, being the Penny prior to conversion at times just comes out more naturally.  Yet, daily I renew my commitment to become a better version of me, a closer version of Christ- yet every day I fall short.  Though I have a great group of believers that really inspire and motivate me in my heaven bound path- I also have a huge number of family and friends to whom God is everything wrong with society.  Some blame God for hurts, some think they are too educated to believe, some express indifference, some arrogance and others believe they don’t need Him.  It hurts me to have a circle of family and friends that oppose Christian Spirituality and I know the easy thing would be to walk away and cling to those that share my love of God.

Our hostess family... Yum, Yum, Yum!

Having close family and friends that refuse to believe makes my conversion more difficult because I have to often take Jesus to places where He is not welcomed.  For the longest time I have tried to bring a Jesus that is modern and hip so that my non-believer friends would see that God is up-to-date awesome.  Sometimes trying to be the cool Catholic has gotten me in trouble- I got drunk, gossiped or lied…  Then as I pray and talk to God before I fall asleep I feel like such a horrible Catholic.  The thing is that after my initial conversion I began to become a different person, but there are still relapses.  While reading The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (in the Chronicles of Narnia series) I found a great story of conversion.  A little, spoiled, arrogant and self-centered boy named Eustace slowly transforms after experiencing a traumatic event.  C.S. Lewis goes on to say, “It would be nice and fairly true, to say that ‘from that time forth, Eustace was a different boy.’ To be strictly accurate, he began to be a different boy.  He had relapses.  There were still many days when he could be tiresome.  But most of those I shall not notice.  The cure had begun.”  Isn’t that beautiful and hopeful.  I have learned that a great motivator is learning that others share similar spiritual struggles.  I think that we have a tendency to judge Christians as if they have arrived at godliness only because they are actively living out their faith- but the truth is that Christians are weak and fallible.  I am a sinner- some days a bigger sinner than others.  Yet, God loves me and never tires of forgiving me. 

My Mexican mani, large earrings and decorative headband.

On Saturday, I got together with my friends to watch the Mexico game and while we lost I realized that I am so fortunate to have so many close friends that whether they are Catholic or not they love me unconditionally.  I realized that it’s not my job to convert them or to present God in hipster form- but to love them.  It’s hard sometimes to realize that all God wants from us is for us to love- to show others what God has done and is doing in our lives by the strength of our love and the joy in our lives.  “If you love only those who love you, what reward is there in that?”  Jesus’ ministry reflects His desire to reach the most difficult and to seek people outside of His circle of believers.  He never segregates people. Though He has the apostles as His close friends He’s interested in the salvation of all.  It always scares me when I bump into people that say they left their old friends to follow God… Maybe I am too optimistic or weak in will, but I know in my heart that God wants me to love – to love everyone - especially those different from me and faraway from giving God a chance and who at times challange my conversion.