I Need You Because I Care

Father once gave a talk on codependent relationships and he mentioned a quote that has stayed with me since: “Immature love says, I love you because I need you.  Mature love says, I need you because I love you.”  The first statement is based on dependency- I am dependent on you because you validate me and give me worth.  Its finding your entire identity on the love the other person gives and relying on the beloved for you happiness.  This is what unhealthy relationships are made off.  The second statement is based on setting someone apart as special, because I think you are so unique and unlike anyone else I have met I cherish and appreciate you. Though I know that God is the only one that will satisfy my needs, I would like you to be part of my life.   As you begin to care more for another person there also begins to grow a healthy need for the beloved.  Though you are a well-adjusted person active at home, work, church, community- all areas of your life you begin to feel this need for that one person your heart has signaled out.  You live for the moments when you are near him, for those exchanges that only the two of you understand and your mind seems to produce no other thoughts, only of the beloved.  Going from a person who was fully functioning and independent and suddenly finding yourself needing another and no longer able to control that desire to be near him- makes all of us vulnerable.  Yet, it’s very normal that as affection grows so does the need for the other person.  God designed us to live in community- He made us all different so that together we would find our strength.  When He tells us about one body having many parts with different functions, He is alluding to the fact that people are unique with different qualities and we are created to belong together strengthening our families and communities.  In an even more intimate belonging, He made man and woman desirable towards one another.  He created us to need one another as we begin to know each other.  Yet, as we begin to experience this new need for the beloved it can be quite uncomfortable and even scary.  It makes us feel quite vulnerable, exposed even at the mercy of the beloved. 

We must remember that it’s very normal to feel this way.  It’s scary to begin to need another person.  However, these stages or feelings must be conquered if we want to deepen the friendship.   This means ignoring the negative thoughts, being kind when we make mistakes, forgiving when we hurt each other and beginning a healthy dialogue.  We also need to accept the love that is given to us and to respond to it.  Return a loving look instead of turning away embarrassed or act in a loving way instead of holding back in self-protection.  Slowly we need to work on lowering our defenses even though we will hurt along the way, but with God we have it in us to be resilient.  Opening ourselves to love means building together a new world, with lots of meaningful interactions – though it’s hard and painful we must not forget that it’s also supreme and wonderful.  Let us not let fear keep us from enjoying a gift that God wants to give us.  Let us not let fear keep us from growing in love.  Let us not let fear carve our path.  We are creations of love made by Love and it’s time that we begin to trust in love.  I want God to carve our path and where God is found fear doesn’t exist. I need you because I care about you.  This doesn’t make me needy this makes me on par with God’s plan.  I was designed to care and to need others.  I am a member in the body of Christ that needs my brothers and sisters to survive.  It’s ok to need you and ok if you need me, it’s all part of God’s design (smile).