I Am Good But Not An Angel

Sunday's Outfit consisted of Mexico shirts and Jeans...

Sometimes I feel like I am leading a double life.  On one side I have the self who is passionate about God and things leading to heaven on the other side I have the sinner who takes a step forward and two steps backwards. The truth is that I have been a non-practicing Catholic longer than I have been a person of faith.  For over twenty-four years, God in my life was no more than a fairytale.  Thus, being the Penny prior to conversion at times just comes out more naturally.  Yet, daily I renew my commitment to become a better version of me, a closer version of Christ- yet every day I fall short.  Though I have a great group of believers that really inspire and motivate me in my heaven bound path- I also have a huge number of family and friends to whom God is everything wrong with society.  Some blame God for hurts, some think they are too educated to believe, some express indifference, some arrogance and others believe they don’t need Him.  It hurts me to have a circle of family and friends that oppose Christian Spirituality and I know the easy thing would be to walk away and cling to those that share my love of God.

Our hostess family... Yum, Yum, Yum!

Having close family and friends that refuse to believe makes my conversion more difficult because I have to often take Jesus to places where He is not welcomed.  For the longest time I have tried to bring a Jesus that is modern and hip so that my non-believer friends would see that God is up-to-date awesome.  Sometimes trying to be the cool Catholic has gotten me in trouble- I got drunk, gossiped or lied…  Then as I pray and talk to God before I fall asleep I feel like such a horrible Catholic.  The thing is that after my initial conversion I began to become a different person, but there are still relapses.  While reading The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (in the Chronicles of Narnia series) I found a great story of conversion.  A little, spoiled, arrogant and self-centered boy named Eustace slowly transforms after experiencing a traumatic event.  C.S. Lewis goes on to say, “It would be nice and fairly true, to say that ‘from that time forth, Eustace was a different boy.’ To be strictly accurate, he began to be a different boy.  He had relapses.  There were still many days when he could be tiresome.  But most of those I shall not notice.  The cure had begun.”  Isn’t that beautiful and hopeful.  I have learned that a great motivator is learning that others share similar spiritual struggles.  I think that we have a tendency to judge Christians as if they have arrived at godliness only because they are actively living out their faith- but the truth is that Christians are weak and fallible.  I am a sinner- some days a bigger sinner than others.  Yet, God loves me and never tires of forgiving me. 

My Mexican mani, large earrings and decorative headband.

On Saturday, I got together with my friends to watch the Mexico game and while we lost I realized that I am so fortunate to have so many close friends that whether they are Catholic or not they love me unconditionally.  I realized that it’s not my job to convert them or to present God in hipster form- but to love them.  It’s hard sometimes to realize that all God wants from us is for us to love- to show others what God has done and is doing in our lives by the strength of our love and the joy in our lives.  “If you love only those who love you, what reward is there in that?”  Jesus’ ministry reflects His desire to reach the most difficult and to seek people outside of His circle of believers.  He never segregates people. Though He has the apostles as His close friends He’s interested in the salvation of all.  It always scares me when I bump into people that say they left their old friends to follow God… Maybe I am too optimistic or weak in will, but I know in my heart that God wants me to love – to love everyone - especially those different from me and faraway from giving God a chance and who at times challange my conversion.

World Cup Fever

Every four years I put my bookish ways aside and give into the World Cup fever. Growing up soccer games brought my family together, specifically cheering for the Mexican team during the highly anticipated- long awaited event.  While soccer is not the biggest sport in the USA - all over the world it’s one of the most favored.  Even Pope Francis enjoys the sport and saw a great opportunity to send a video message to the world highlighting the positive values that the sport promotes. He went on to highlight the attitudes that soccer supports like training, fair play and honoring your opponent:

 “Let’s think about loyalty, perseverance, friendship, sharing solidarity. Certainly football awakens many values and attitudes that are not only important on the field but also in life, specifically when it comes to peace.  Athletics is a school of peace, it teaches us to build peace.”  

Soccer can create a spirit of solidarity and bring the many cultures of the world together.  In addition, the football-loving pope shared that “to win, we must overcome individualism, selfishness, all forms of racism, intolerance and manipulation of people. 

He also mentioned the importance of teamwork: “Being individualistic in soccer blocks the success of the entire team.  It’s the same with life.  If we are ‘individualistic’ and we ignore those around us, an entire society is harmed. Let nobody turn their back on society and feel excluded. No to segregation! No to racism!”

Last Sunday cheering for USA!

Celebrating Mexico's win- what a sensational game!

Strong words by our pontiff, but so true.  This worldwide event is a great place to show and express our brotherhood – we are one in Christ.  Enjoy cheering for your team during this month long event, but try to do it without pride, without arrogance, but with a spirit of humility and love for one another.  On Sunday we are all getting together to watch Mexico versus the Netherlands, and while I am rooting for my team I know that win or lose I am grateful for the joy this world cup has brought me and my loved ones.  I realize Mexico’s shortcomings, but I still love my green team win or lose go Mexico! And may God crown the winning team according to His will.    

May the best team win!

Parish Rummage Sale

Every year in the month of June my parish holds a two day rummage sale.  I usually participate by buying lots of stuff especially Catholic books.  The first year I attended I found a brand new pair of Jessica Simpson pumps for a mere dollar and since then I have been hooked… This year I decided that I would contribute in a different way (in addition to shopping, of course)!  I decided that I would donate a lot of my books and other things that I no longer need.  I have to confess that in addition to the close relationship that I have to my shoes - books are my other weakness.  I love paperbacks – but swoon over hardbacks.  I have a thick emotional connection to the printed word.  After I read books especially the ones that I really enjoy I have a really hard time letting them go. Yet, I rarely reread books because there’s always so many that I have yet to read (smile).  I want books to have active lives not to waste away in dusty book shelves- especially the ones that are dear to me.  Thus, I decided that donating them to my parish would not only help parish sales, but also make some people happy.  As I continue to de-clutter my life I found quite a sense of excitement donating my things to the church (smile).

About ninety-nine percent of the books I read are books I buy at yard sales, used book stores & Amazon.  I even have a sizeable children’s collection for when I babysit my friend’s children (which really never happens) - but, as I look at the picture books and their stories I can’t help making sentimental excuses to hold on to them.  Finding causes I am passionate about makes me more open to parting from my things.   During Christmas last year, Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa had their annual holiday play and the entrance fee was a donation of a new children’s book – this motivated me to donate quite a few from my children’s collection.  I still have over forty children’s books in my shelves that every time I try to part the colorful stories and beautiful artwork makes me place them back on the shelve. 

On Saturday I headed over to my parish ready to shop, but I got there too late and most of the religion section was gone- so I only bought three books, but one is an audio book!  I found a few accessories too, an awesome nativity pin, some vintage earrings and a couple country inspired pieces for when I go to THE RANCH.  I also bought two brand new three-D puzzles for my nephew which kept us busy all morning putting them together. I am actually glad that I didn’t find a stack too big of books because I want to finish reading the books I currently own before adding more to the pile.  I am currently reading the seven books in The Chronicles of Narnia series, over the weekend I manage to read the first three books once I complete all seven I will share my thoughts.

My purchases

“For it must be true, as an old writer says, that he who has God and everything else has no more than he who has God only.” C.S. Lewis

If I don't Write to Empty my Mind I Go Mad

Sometimes, I forget that writing my thoughts here get read publicly and when I bump into people and they share they like my blog I can help, but feel exposed.  The thing is that I’ve always been a writer- since I learned to write I've kept a journal.  I am the youngest of four and my brother who is closest to me in age is seven years older than I am.  Being the baby in the family by so many years apart I spent a lot of time playing alone.  Though my siblings loved me – they always made it known that I was the youngster and at times they didn’t want anything to do with me because of the difference in maturity.  I think that’s probably what lead me to become quite introspective.  To this day most of my world happens in my mind- if that makes any sense.  While I lead a pretty active social life I love being alone.  As weird as it might sound I enjoy my company a lot.  In fact when I am with my family I think I am more the listener of the group.  My mom and my sister can talk up a storm- there are times when we go for long walks and I think I say no more than ten words.  At times when I am sharing an experience with them I have to tell them to let me finish my story because they are so anxious to talk themselves.  In addition, I shared before that as a child I struggled because of my lack of the English Language- well when I did start to speak English my classmates made fun of me because some sounds came out with an accent.  I remember being laughed at because phonetically I couldn’t pronounce the “ch” sound and children laughed when I said, “chair” or “chocolate” (which are very popular words when you are a child).  I was a shy kid with a whole lot happening at home so I began to avoid speaking.  Yet, when I had the opportunity to write things down and not worry about pronunciation I relished the freedom.

I am yet to find a listener that puts up with me as paper does.  Growing up, I was always the outcast.  I remember we lived on a street of apartments with a bunch of my cousins and you would think that family would have been kinder to my assimilation struggles, but my cousins too wouldn’t want to play with me because I didn’t speak English.  Then I started excelling in school and books became my passion, which in the ghetto being a bookworm is not the most popular status to have.  Thus, my formative experiences led me to writing as an outlet and a way to have conversations on topics and ideas that others found quite boring.  For the greatest part of my life I didn’t think anyone was interested in listening to me since the subjects I preferred seemed as weird as me.  It took a lot of therapy to find my voice and while now I am a pretty good conversationalist I still have a great need to write.  When I speak things come out wrong and usually I say things without thinking, but when I write I see the words in mind so clearly.  Am also unafraid to share things because I feel like I am just talking to me or (since my conversion) to God.

Seychelles Clue Bootie- Goodwill $12.99

When I was in university, I came across my favorite myth in mythology class The Epic of Gilgamesh.  In the tale Gilgamesh wants immortality and goes on a quest to find it, after conquering many battles and learning his weakness (and mortality) he realizes that the only way to become immortal is by becoming a legend, one that future generations will continue to share.  At the time I was agnostic and battling the whole purpose of life notion and since I didn’t believe in life after death (then) this idea of remaining alive through the power of story really attracted me.  I found solace and for a time it guided me into wanting to write books and stories so that one day I too would be remembered and maybe then my life would have meaning.

Dress Barn Dress- Yard Sale $0.25, Michael Kors Belt - TJ Maxx 21.99, Michael Kors Watch & Gold Heart Earrings 

Now as a practicing Catholic I write privately letters to God.  Most of the time I do this during adoration.  It calms me and makes me really concentrate on the conversation I am having with my God.  Also, when I am experiencing really difficult moments I write in my journal and I know that God is listening.  When I decided to start a blog – I felt the need to write not to become a legend, but to help readers with my honest testimony.  Thus, almost a year later I still have my moments when I feel like I shared too much or even worry about what others will think of me, but the need to write is stronger.  I wanted to create this place to help others, but no one has been more improved than me.  Some people run, others create I write - end of story (smile).   

Happy Belated Father's Day

After having my previous weekends full of wedding activities this past weekend it was such a blessing to just relax.  I got so comfortable taking it easy that I forgot to take pictures for my usual Sunday Modesty post, so please forgive me.  It was also Father’s Day and while I did snap a few pics of the BBQ we had for my dad (including his new lawn mower that we all pitched in and got him)  I decided to just enjoy the day with my family and celebrate another year with my dad.  Thus, I didn’t take many photos.  At around 2PM we all gathered in our backyard to enjoy carne asada and bond as a family.  As usual there was a lot of laughter and great conversation- I am truly blessed to belong to such a close-knit family!  Much of the laughter was due to the ill haircut I gave Dollar.  While I usually am really good at trimming his fur, on Sunday am not sure how I managed to leave it looking so choppy – good thing my dog didn’t seem to care. In fact, he seemed happy to get a load of fur off of his back for this nice, warm weather (smile).

Surprise!

In the morning we surprised dad with a serenade given by my nephew on the piano.  Then we took him out to the back to show him his shiny lawn mower with gigantic red bow.  He was really happy to get a new toy to continue his hobby of keeping the best lawn in the neighborhood.  Then he opened a few more gifts along with many hugs.  This is the typical fashion of our celebrations: serenade, gifts, food and time together.  Yet, the format never gets old. 

With the grandkid.

My dad had a rebellious, selfish, addictive start- but his story is one of redemption and transformation.  For over twenty-years he has been alcohol free and has changed his priorities.  My mother and his family are his life.  While he never attended any school functions for us growing up- now for my nephew he can’t get enough of his school and extra-curricular activities.  He tends to invite himself to all the events.  In addition, he likes to occasionally come with me to Mass and while his faith in God has always been strong now he attends services (wohoo).  He’s an amazing person and a truly terrific father and granddad.  These past years of him being alcohol free have gone by so quickly.  He’s taught me to never be afraid of change or personal growth- and that while we can start out egocentric and self-seeking every day is an opportunity to turn that around.  It’s taken him a lot of humility to recognize his bad habits and to transform into the man that we all love.  Praise God!

Sacrament of Marriage

Wedded bliss...

Over the past three months, I have had three back-to-back weddings of close friends: two non-denominational and a Catholic Wedding.  While all the ceremonies were beautiful- I will be taking a detail look at how Catholics celebrate marriage.  To Catholics marriage is a BIG deal - so big indeed that it’s one of the church’s seven Sacraments!  Usually the wedding planning process is shared with the parish priest and the community.  Before one selects the date, one needs to make sure that the priest and parish are available- thus for the following year the couple works closely with the church leader.  The priest assesses the couple and interviews each individually for compatibility and for the presence of faith in order to marry them.  In addition, the couple must participate in a pre-marriage counseling program which is done during a weekend retreat or through various sessions during several weeks. As the day approaches the Sacrament of Reconciliation is highly recommended and a couple days before the big day a final practice (with the wedding party) takes place at the parish with the priest.  Though the above description sounds difficult, time consuming and even stressful- marriage is for life and thus one needs to spiritually prepare for it as an athlete prepares for a competition.

Here comes the bride...

"I give you these 13 coins as a symbol of my unquestionable trust and confidence, I place in you as my beloved wife. As we unite our lives today I share all material responsibility with you."

The process involves God in every aspect of the wedding preparation.  In fact, after my friend's fiance proposed to her - they stopped by their home parish to pray and give thanks to God before sharing the news with family and friends.  As they planned the religious ceremony, they worked together selecting scripture, music, lectors and a choir to add a personalized touch.  It turned out to be one of the best wedding Eucharistic Celebrations that I have been to. Father felt among friends because more than half of the people in attendance belong to the Santa Barbara Parish community. He really knew the couple because they are all friends.  During the Homily Father joked, laughed and offered great advice.  I was laughing one moment and crying the next.  What really got me is (that after being to ceremonies were God was not allowed) here God was the main guest and I truly felt His joyful presence. It was more than a celebration of the union between man and woman as witnessed by the community- it was a union between man, woman and God!  As a friend read one of the readings and I heard God's words a smile broke across my face because God was given His place (the highest place) in this celebration.  Listening to the reading felt as if I was listening to an old, respected leader of the tribe or perhaps a wise King.  The whole celebration felt like a royal affair where the King of Kings orchestrated the union of two souls in love.

Jesus Body, Soul and Divinity. 

The vows and the prepping the rosary for the couple to wear...

The ceremony also included various cultural rituals, like the groom giving the bride thirteen gold coins pledging his commitment to provide and care for her.  The bride by accepting them communicated her trust and intent to also support her husband.  The coins were blessed by Father and also represent Jesus and the twelve apostles. After the wedding vows, the couple knelt together for a special blessing and a rosary was placed around their shoulders to symbolize their commitment to one another.  It was placed horizontal in a figure eight symbolizing infinity and affirming the life-long union.  Then a bouquet of flowers was offered to Mother Mary asking for her intercession in the marriage.  Everything turned out beautiful and I was just so excited and happy knowing that God and Mary were part of such an important day (SMILE).

Mr. & Mrs.

A Bridesmaid's Tale

Wine Tasting in Temecula

This beginning of the year has been a rather busy time for me.  I had three back-to-back weddings in April, May & June.  So for the past few months my weekends have been occupied doing wedding related activities like bridal showers, bachelorette weekends and the actual wedding celebrations.  As a bridesmaid I have been stressed out with the challenges of my role- I just can’t imagine how the groom and the bride get through the planning.  Feelings are bound to get hurt.  Mine were when at times I felt more like a commodity than an actual person sharing in a milestone moment. Or when I felt micromanaged by the expectations regarding my bridesmaid look. Or when the list of my responsibilities felt so piled that at times I felt more like a person on staff than an actual guest.  Weddings bring the best in us and also the worst!  They are beautiful moments that are high in emotion and challenge family & friend dynamics.  Luckily, I survived and am still friends with all my now married friends (smile).

LA rooftop wedding.

What I learned about myself during these past months is that if my feelings are hurt I cannot hide it and I even rebel becoming quite a difficult person.  I guess I haven’t mastered the turn the other cheek Christian mentality.  Obviously in wedding planning and in the activities approaching the festivity disagreements are inevitable.  Brides can become demanding, maids-of honor can become controlling and bridesmaids can become contrary.  I mean we must all work together for months even though we all have our own set of ideas; thus, disagreements and trials are bound to happen.  Anyone that has been part of a wedding party has a story to share about a problem they encountered or an issue that arose during the planning.  Yet, if we survive the hurts and quarrels our friendships become stronger.  We need trials to grow. 

Catholic Wedding

Kisses.

A bridesmaid firsts celebrates the honor to have been chosen to stand as a tangible expression of her bond to the bride in front of their community.  However, as the planning begins it can turn into a battle of wills and bank accounts depending on the personalities involved and the wishes of the bride - being a bridesmaid is both a time and financial commitment; thus, difficulties will occur.  Having three weddings in three months multiplied my stress even more because I had to contribute to each financially and with my time.  Though I did have my share of squabbles, the three brides were very supportive, understanding and open to discuss any challanges with me.  In the end, I learned that my friendships are stronger than the issues that arose.  We confronted our disagreements as mature adults with uncomfortable conversations (at times), knowing that even though our tactics varied we all wanted the wedding day to be a special occasion.  Most, importantly we survived and now they are married and I am free of bridal duties (wink).   

We Didn't Lose We Just Ran Out of Time

In two weeks, my softball career is coming to a close- at least for this season.  Our team had to endure a zero win streak and while I am competitive by nature I had to learn that winning isn’t everything. My highlight was the night that my fan club came out to watch and I actually scored my first run!  After each game I would tell my nephew our awful score and he would laugh and shake his head.  Soon I discovered that through our low performance my team made many people happy and we turned into a philanthropic team that through losing brought joy to others (smile) including ourselves.  We learned to have a positive attitude and laugh at our silly, inexperience softball moves.  While at times some of us became discouraged there was always our assistant coach to cheer us up and while the hope of winning one game never escaped us we realized that for our first season we had a great time.  While the score didn’t show our improvement- I know that through practice I learned a great deal and grew as a softball player.  Just losing my fear of the ball was a great first season victory!

My idea of success and in this case winning always had to do with the final outcome, but I realized that what’s important is the transformation that happens during the process.  Losing creates a platform for learning and a great opportunity for growth.  It takes great confidence to smile and congratulate the other team on their win and great character to adjust your attitude into a positive one.  It also promotes humility – the person that can laugh at his shortcomings is fun to be around.  In addition, for Christians we know that loss makes us dependent on God and hopeful that He will provide according to His will.  Loss makes us vulnerable and more likely to seek God and be open to Him.  We have Job’s example of loss to the grandest scale, yet the process of Job’s losses makes him utterly dependent on God.  We learn more through loss than we do through winning.  In the end, Job’s faith increases and God rewards him tenfold.  Similarly, God wants us to become better versions of ourselves and sometimes He uses loss as a method of education.  I know that through the death of my brother I transformed into a better person and became a believer.  I know that through my bipolar disorder I became dependent on God for healing and value others that are struggling with disabilities.  I know that through the most painful experiences and losses my faith grew and some of my bad qualities metamorphosed into godly virtues.  Of course, when I am going through the fire it’s hard to smile, but as I continue to grow in godliness I hope one day I will reach the stage in me that will confront loss with happiness and complete trust in God.

Our Awesome Team.

Celebrating our loss and my Run!

Softball & Overcoming Anxiety

The Honeymoon Suite

This past Saturday one of my best friends got married.  As we prepped for the wedding months ago the bride asked my friend and I if we would decorate the honeymoon suite for her & her husband to be.  Through giggles, two inexperienced girls thought about how to best prep the room for the first night of marriage.  My friend, Butterfly, and I spent a few days coming up with ideas and we decided on candles, rose petals, champagne and snacks.  On the day of the wedding Butterfly and I found sometime to sneak into the room and romantically decorate it.  Though we had to rush and only had a period of fifteen minutes to carefully place mementos throughout the room the finished product turned out simple yet extremely personal.  In the Catholic faith, we wait on sex until marriage;thus, we really wanted the room to be festive and a symbol of faithful purity.  I am not going to lie it’s hard to wait sometimes the hormones feel so strong that abstinence feels impossible especially when you are in a loving relationship with someone you are extremely attracted to.  Thus, am extremely proud of my friends who waited even after many years of courtship they are great examples of Catholics at their best.

The truth of the Spirit of Christ according to St. Paul is one of self-restraint- a Christian life is supposed to be fulfilling not necessarily fun.  Which means that there is no supernatural consolation for those of us who don’t get to have sex with whoever we want whenever we want- and there’s no “I am better than thou” because I have the discipline to wait.  It’s a matter of mature love and respect.  Love at its finest wants the best for the beloved and sacrifices it all (even one’s own life - as Jesus did).  Thus, when Christians think about sex they think about it as more than biological desires and as a supreme gift from God.  A gift so awesome that it needs to be protected and saved for the marriage bed.  It’s a matter of quality over quantity.  It’s meant to be great because it’s an act of pure love that brings life.

In my years, walking by faith I have come to value sex more and to really understand what God intended when he gave us such a magnificent gift.  A few years ago as my first friends started getting engaged and they proudly showed off their rings – I started to desire a special ring myself.  When I saw my friends in their beautiful, white wedding dress I too wanted to wear one someday too. Those symbols are unique and people celebrate and make such a big deal about them because they are saved for a really exceptional occasion.  They are material objects – yet society still places quite a strong, traditional value to both engagement rings and puffy dresses because they represent a bigger truth: the union of two people.  To Christians sex is the BIGGEST testimony of the union of two.  Thus, as society waits for the proper time for an engagement ring or wedding dress - Christians too wait for sex not only for the perfect mate, but for God’s blessing too (smile).  

The Honeymoon Suite Decorators

Passing On My Faith

On Sunday morning, my nephew had his second piano recital and beautifully played “Rainy Days are Special” by J. Bastien.  Late last year, his private piano teacher passed away and since then he has been attending a new music school.  This year he got to play from memory without the aid of music sheets!  As he started kindergarten (last year) I asked him what instrument he would like to learn to play and he choose the piano, since then I have been paying for his lessons.  Obviously I am very involved in his life because not only am I his auntie I am also his baptismal godmother.  I try to encourage his academic and extra-curricular activities- but what I am really concerned with is his spiritual development.  Thus, during the holidays together we do a lot of neat projects that promote spiritual growth and I try to teach him through example the beauty and unconditional love of God and the peace and guidance of my faith. 

The grand pianist playing his song!

With his fan club!

My sister is a believer and a cradle-Catholic – unfortunately she’s not super involved in her faith.  For some time now I have been working on trying to get her approval for Matthew to begin catechism.  At my parish we have a great weekly program for children that does a tremendous job presenting God in simple age appropriate ways.  Though I wanted my nephew to join as soon as he was old enough my sister insisted he wait until next year to begin his pre-first-communion catechesis.  Thus, I try to bring the faith to him as much as I can when I can on my own.  It’s been a difficult battle, but I pray for him daily and I know that God has great plans for my little man.  I also pray for my sister so that she will realize the importance of spirituality and becoming more unguarded about allowing my nephew to participate openly in church activities.

The performers getting a well deserved recognition.

INC Dress- thrifted $8.99; GAP Wedges $17.99; BGCB Sweater- Burlington Coat Factory 19.99; Piano Necklace-Yard Sale $1 & My fashionable nephew as the best arm candy! 

For Easter, my sister took my nephew to Mass and he told her he saw “real” angels.  My sister nonchalantly asked him where he had seen these mystical creatures and he said in the altar helping the priest.  She smiled and explained that they were altar boys, at which he replied that he would like to be one someday (smile).