The death
of my brother brought many blessings into my life, a protestant pastor once
told me that perhaps God used my brother's death to save my soul (that thought makes me
very happy). My brother brought the reconciliation
between God and I (smile)… The last post
I wrote might make some people who I love in my life appear like tyrants; thus,
today I want to speak of forgiveness.
The death of my brother propelled my small family unit to evaluate our
life, our choices and to make changes. In
January of 2005, I went on a retreat with an old Catholic Church group and
there I was able to forgive all those people who had hurt me and to begin
healing. My dad has been alcohol free for
over twenty-years now. He has always
been a man who even with his addictions worked hard to provide for his family
and since his recovery he has made my mom and our family his priority. We are very close. It took me years to forgive him, but the
death of my brother caused my heart to break and the hurt tore my pride and shortly
with God’s grace and the power of a forgetful mind we mended our
relationship. We own our own home now and
my uncle comes to visit often and I enjoy having him over because I love him
and have also forgiven him. In the
Mexican culture we don’t dispose of people no matter how much they hurt us,
family is for life whether we like it or not – and while that mentality can
sometimes feel like a curse it’s also very Christian.
The three
men who molested me were a little harder to forgive (one was a neighbor and the other
two cousins). The abuse affected me in
such a huge way. So much that I couldn’t
be alone in a room with a male. I
remember when I had male professors and on rare occasions where I found myself alone
in the classroom with one I would always need to be near an open door. Growing up I didn’t date nor desired male
friendships. To this day I am very
inexperience with opposite sex. I don’t have
the easiness of conversing with men that I do with women and I don’t really let
just anyone in. It took quite a lot of
years to heal and to lose my fear of men but slowly I have overcome it. Though I forgave the men who molested me,
I cut ties and I try not to see them. On
rare occasions when I do it still hurts, especially because I never told anyone
about the abuse. But Father told me that
forgiveness doesn’t mean that I have to have them in my life and be best
friends, he said it just means being at peace and releasing the hate and hurt. I learned that holding on to hate and a
desire for revenge really was causing me great harm and slowly I gave it to
God. He has patiently healed me and
given me the grace to forgive. Though
sometimes when I think about them unaffected by their actions towards me, I
still feel anger and hurt, God helps me to forgive again. Sometimes forgiveness can appear like
we are letting others off the hook, yet I have come to realize that forgiveness is
as much for me as it is for the other. When
I forgive: I choose peace in my heart, I choose to no longer allow the hurt to
affect me, I release my burden to the mercy of God and giving it to God for His
judgement opens me up for His constant healing.
It’s an exchange of the negative so that I am emptied for God to fill me
with His goodness. It’s growing in God’s
perfect love.
Forgiving
myself has also been difficult.
Especially because abuse victims usually feel a great deal of shame and
responsibility for the abuse. I used to
avoid mirrors because I thought I was really ugly. My insecurities led me to develop a
perfectionist mentality and I was really hard on myself when I failed to be
perfect. This too was an area that I had
to give to God to tear down and rebuild.
With time, He helped clear the self-distortions and today I love my
reflection especially my inner self. Am
glad that out of all the mess that I was God was able to create a heart who is
more patient with my and others' failings, and more empathetic and understanding. God didn’t waste one once of my suffering,
but used it all to rebuild a woman that I am proud of. I am not saying I am perfect, but I am so at
peace and happy - this goodness and healing that God gave me allows me to
better serve Him. Through my past hurts I am
able to relate more profoundly with others and to offer a little hope because I
have seen the darkness (even been consumed in darkness); but God’s light
penetrated through and freed me to a life worth living. A life with meaning and purpose all in God’s most
Holy Name. Amen!
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