Anxious Heart

When I was in third grade I told my best friend that I had a crush on a cute boy in class.  She was unable to hold her tongue past recess and during lunch my crush chased after me yelling that he would never like me in a million years, that I was gross and had cooties.  While the experience sounds funny and now I can laugh at it, for a really long time I was traumatized.  Since, trust has been a trait that I value in my close relationships- yet, trust takes time it is something that is slowly earned…  This is so clear in the early stages of a relationship between a man and a woman.  This time of getting to know each other can be really frustrating because trust is being established.  There’s constant risk involved in developing deeper trust and the process can be really exhausting!  Risk is taken and a little trust is earned, risk again and more trust is given… that’s the process that occurs between two.  It’s a process that demands your defenses to go down and slowly let that special person in.  This process of revealing your true self can make you feel unsafe and at times even at the mercy of your beloved.  As time goes by you can’t stop thinking about the object of your affections- they are your first thought in the morning and the last one before you fall asleep- and no matter how hard you try to overcome your obsessive thoughts it’s as if your mind is no longer under your jurisdiction.  You begin to make time in your normal, busy routine for that special person and as you put more energy into solidifying a friendship you realize that you are giving of yourself and these actions can make you feel anxious.  Though you are a confident, whole person you begin to feel insecure and needy.  The good news is that all these wild thoughts and crazy feelings are all part of the process of opening yourself to love and they are temporary (SMILE).  Eventually after enough trust is built the endangered, obsessive feelings will die a just death and you will regain your tranquility.  Love is for the courageous – it not only requires a leap of faith the kind that allows you to walk on water - to fall in love takes guts beyond reasonable comprehension. It takes time to trust each other and to realize that this attachment won’t hurt you.

There’s so much to gain and so much to lose in the process of discernment in relationships, lucky for us we have God on our side and no matter the outcome He will be with us through the end of time.  I run to Him when I am feeling especially vulnerable and share how I find myself.  He always gives me strength and hope to press on. I also like to think that the object of my affections is a godly man who will always (try to) act according to our faith - never leading me on or playing with my feelings.  New experiences can be challenging, intimidating and downright scary- but through prayer we can maintain our peace and strength.  In the end, everything worthwhile takes time and a good amount of courage.