I used to love stories with unhappy
endings because those stories really captured the sadness of everyday
life. There were no happy endings, life
was a disappointment and art needed to reflect the reality of it. That’s why I fell in love with The Catcher
in The Rye and Holden’s dislike of phonies or why Into the Wild
became my favorite movie for the longest time. I remember I was in the middle of a theatre
watching the film and I deeply identified with Chris, he had been hurt and
damaged by those he loved most and was terrified of creating deep, intimate
relationships so he befriended strangers… His genuine journey to self-discovery
matched mine- we were two kindred, broken hearts in love with the safety of loneliness
and independence believing that one needs no human connections for sustenance.
In the winter of 2005 I went to my
first spiritual retreat, I remember driving up to Big Bear creating an escape
route in the event that brain washing was attempted. The plan was to drive my car up there in case
in the middle of the night (once everyone was asleep) I needed to make a quiet
exit. I remember the priest that
organized the event kept referring to our retreat like the time Moses spent upon
Mount Sinai with God. Up on the mountain
the crisp air, the silence and the spiritual direction began years to come of
healing. I learned about the trio of forgiveness: forgiveness of others, forgiveness
of God & forgiveness of self.
I never liked self-help books
because I loved discovering the secrets to those tough questions in artistic
form, where it would depend on me to find the answers by venturing on
thrilling odysseys. Characters in novels became my loyal companions
and at times the only ones that understood me- it was easy to form
relationships with these persons trapped in pages of books… Sometimes hurt makes people shut-down to human
relationships, and in turn creates beings unwaveringly self-absorbed so much so
that that they begin to feel like no one understands them. While watching Into the Wild that first time in a small theatre- I was Alexander Supertramp and his thoughts, his
hurts, his journey was my very own. Like
me, he began his journey despising “society” focusing on the act that everyone
hurts each other. But as Chris’ coming-of-age story comes to a
close he arrives at the wisdom that, “when you forgive, you love. And when you
love, God's light shines on you.”
Something snapped inside my brain
and I remember distinctly feeling like God had spoken to me in understandable language and His words instantly transformed me.
Forgiveness sets you free! And it is through our relationships with
other people that we experience the best times of our lives. Yes, those you
love will severely hurt you – but we were created to be relational and to forgive…
"I have lived
through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A
quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to
people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it
done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature,
books, music, love for one's neighbor—such is my idea of happiness. And then,
on top of all that, you for a mate, and children perhaps—what can more the
heart of man desire?"
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