I’ve never been any good at romantic relationships, mostly
because I overthink things until I lose my peace of mind and then I just walk
away even though all the problems were created in my head. A few years ago Father, told me that I need to see the opposite sex as friends. That
when I look at others as I would a friend then things develop in a healthy
manner because I am not in flight or fight mode. The pressure is off and I am not judging the
other as whether he is compatible or not with me- I am just allowing the relationship
to grow organically. Be a friend, Father kept stressing and I think he repeated
it during our conversation because when we are attracted to another person we
need to continuously remind ourselves to be a friend - and a good one too. I’ve often heard women who have been happily
married describe their husbands as their best friend and I believe this type of
closeness begins in the initial stages of friendship long before the romance.
There’s this country song which lyrics say, “I want a man
that stands beside me. Not in front of or behind me.” When two people begin as friends, they begin
walking side by side learning to synchronize with one another. For example, I have been observing my birds
(I recently rescued a second cockatiel, now I have a male and female) and when
they began getting to know each other the male bird would take two steps towards
the female and then one back. He kept
doing this until eventually he trusted that she wouldn’t try to peck at him and
when he gained enough trust he stood next to her. As I saw this slow progression this forward
and backward dance I realized how much I behave like that when I want to get to
know another. I take a step forward then
I lose my nerve (or usually freak out) and take a step back. Yet, though subtle my female bird by staying
firm in place encouraged the male bird to come closer. I think in human relationships friendship is
the environment that encourages both parties to gain trust and come closer to one another.
When I was in Junior High I got called into the principal’s office,
she had a frame with the following words engraved, “a friend is someone who
understands your past, believes in your future and accepts you today just the
way you are.” I was so moved by that
quote because it taught me that friends accept, understand and support one
another and I craved to have a friend like that and was also encouraged to be
that type of person. Later, I learned
that friends provide a safe haven for real love to grow – I can be me (no need
to show only my best self) and be loved.
Yet, when you add “boy” in front of “friend” I learned that those
relationships followed a different protocol.
There was an element of fantasy, that’s why studies show that the first
three months in a romantic relationship both parties are trying to show only
the best characteristics, but after three months the truth begins to be
revealed. However, if I follow Father’s
advice and learn to be a friend in all situations then the pressure for self-acceptance
diminishes, a safe haven is slowly created for genuine “real” love to grow... Obviously romantic relationships are
different than friendships, but the change occurs after the relationship has
been labeled and establish. Before the “boy”
or “girl” gets added to “friend” we are just left with friend. Thus, all romantic relationships have a
strong foundation when they begin in friendship (smile).
While some of us have little experience in romantic
relationships (myself included) most of us have been successful in making and
keeping friends. Thus, if we start with
a concept that we are familiar, like being friends then we reap the wonderful
bounty of acceptance, understanding, support, safety, low pressure and eventually real
love. It's also a way of guarding our hearts. Sometimes there will be hiccups along the way,
but those are just opportunities to grow in friendship.
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