Finding Comfort in the Sacraments

I found myself in front of the Tabernacle on Saturday night, a day after confession and moments away from receiving the Eucharist.  During confession Father suggested that when I have doubts about my prayers to reflect on moments when God has answered them.  After sharing with my confessor the doubts that invade my overthinking mind in moments of crisis.  I've been honest here about identifying with doubting Thomas because sometimes my doubts can really challenge my faith.  Not my faith in God, but my faith in His interaction with His creation.  It's weird because when I intercede for others I really know that He hears me and that He will provide accordingly- but when I ask for things for myself it's hard to do so thinking He is listening.  So, I shared with Father how even though I pray for God's assistance when I do so for myself my heart feels very untrusting, even cynical. Has God provided in the past?  Has He heard my prayers and answered them? Of course He has, but I am like one of the people in our biblical history that constantly forgets.  If Moses had gone up Mount Sinai in my time, I probably would have been one of the many that forgot about God as soon as Moses was out of sight.  My faith doesn't come easily, but luckily God gave me community.  In community I am reminded and encouraged to hope and never seize in prayer.  After speaking with Father, I thought about the last time I was without a job and I asked God to please give me one before the end of the year and He did!  So, now I know how to defeat the cynicism in my heart when it comes a wandering.

Saturday night, I finally made it to chapel and because the church was having its annual fest I was in that small space alone with Jesus.  I talked to him for awhile told him everything as I would a great confidant.  Then I asked him if there was anything that he wanted to tell me.  I didn't have to wait more than a couple seconds when the words to Psalm 23 came into my mind, "The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want."  I smiled BIG and looked up at him as I constantly do when he leaves me speechless.  We had a moment, the type only the most intimate friends have, when words are unnecessary and just being in each other's presence is enough.  "I looked at Him and He looked at me..."  I had been craving to have a friend who would just be with me, "if I lay here / if I just lay here / will you lie with me and just forget the world..."  There are moments when I fall so low that I crave to just lie stationary above the grass next to a companion who won't ask anything of me, but will reach across and hold my hand as we both stare at the infinite sky.  With the words of Psalm 23 so vividly flying through my mind, I knew that God was there reaching out and He would remain with me as long as I needed to soak all of it in.  Never asking anything of me, just being there like the perfect friend that only He can be.

After volunteering a two-hour shift at the parish fest and helping with the clean-up, I waited for the ten PM Mass.  The Sunday readings blew me away!  I've always been a bit uncomfortable with Matthew's Sunday Gospel reading, but over the years it has grown on me.  Life can be unfair, but God's love and mercy extends beyond comprehension... I have been sensitive these past few days, because my emotions are only following what is natural in dealing with loss.  As a bipolar sufferer I don't like surprises and treasure routine- but am learning to recall on God's past answers and finding hope in that.  This weekend I really found solace in the Sacraments and service and I concluded that if I don't find a job before the two months are up, I will be able to attend daily Mass and that will be fabulous (smile). Time to begin a novena with Saint Francis (ahead of his feast day) please join me.