Let's be Helpers to Our Men

After Adam named all the animals he realized that in all of creation there was not another like him, of all the animals in the world there was not another suitable to be his partner; but, before Adam came to this conclusion God was already devising a plan to create a helper so that Adam would not be alone.  I like the use of the term “helper” in describing the reason for Eve and for all women to come.  In these modern times I think we have forgotten or are offended when we hear that women were created to assist men...  I was talking to a friend and she was sharing her frustrations because the guy she likes doesn’t pursue her in the way she wants him to.  I think her vexation is very typical because communication between the sexes (initially) can be very confusing and painful.  Part of it has to do with the distorted images women have of men.  As I have spoken with many single Catholic women frustrated with Catholic men I realize that we are part of the problem.  Many times we judge men or are too critical in their tactics of pursuing – even worse we have such high expectations that only Christ can meet them.  We want them to read our minds, to be aggressive but sensitive, strong but gentle, tolerant, wise, understanding…  Our lists can be so long and detailed- poor men!

It’s good to have high expectations, but I think it’s equally important to realize that above all we are helpers.  I don’t think anyone wants to be a bad lover, when we love another we want to make them happy.  So am proposing that instead of attacking men we practice kindness by showing and even telling them how we want to be loved.  I know that the romantic in us wants a man that comes with complete knowledge of what we like and dislike, but those perfect men are lies that society conjures to make lots of money from romantic fools.  The reality is that men of faith need our help in pursuing and long after that- and we need to be patient, kind and encouraging.  We need to practice and become really good helpers.

Honesty- Many times we feel like the man should know ahead what our likes and dislikes are, but each woman is different so we need to develop open communication where we TELL our men especially in the initial stages how we feel loved.  If he’s a good listener he will try to do those things that make you happy.  I love learning things about others.  My strongest love language is quality time, so I love spending time one-on-one and to have good conversation.  I am also very affectionate and I love hugs and affirmations.  Can you know all that just by looking at me, probably not- that’s why stating our needs with clear words is crucial.  

Repetition and Encouragement- Sometimes we all need to hear things a few times before we get it, thus if you tell your man once what you like and want from him and he doesn’t do it- understand that most likely he needs a reminder.  Sometimes our pride can be our worst enemy because we want the other person to get it after one try, but lessons are taught slowly and most of the time through repetition.  Just remember how many tries it took you to learn to ride a bike (smile).  It’s also good to repeat things in an encouraging way, “baby, when you take out the trash you make me so happy.”

Kindness- We live in a world where people are quick to retaliate when they are wronged, especially when we feel vulnerable, but the thing to remember is that if you are starting a friendship with a man there’s mutual affection.  Logically when you like someone you don’t want to hurt them, but the truth is that everyone is going to hurt you it is inevitable and no person is exempt from this truth.  At times, in a matter of two we tend forget that we are both on the same team especially when we are hurt, but the key in all of this is intention.  When someone hurts you intentionally that can be a revelation to a deeper problem in character, but when someone hurts you unintentionally we can be sure that the hurt is just part of the growing pains of friendship.

The point to today’s ramblings is that we must take our role as helper seriously because love is patient and kind.  Our faith makes all of us servants to one another let’s not forget that in the realms of romantic love (smile).  

Book Review: The Betrothed

With the beginning of summer this month, it’s time for a book review.  For those of you looking for some spiritual reading in the form of a novel, The Betrothed by Alessandro Manzoni is your book.  A few weeks ago I was listening to the papal general audience and he recommended the novel as one of his favorite literary pieces.  He shared that his grandma used to read it to him as a child and that throughout his life he had read it many times and kept it at his bedside table in hopes of rereading it again.  My book-loving nerd’s heart beat rapidly as I learned about the classic novel- for rarely do novels get recommended as spiritual reading!  As the novel arrived in the mail I had high expectations for it came with the strongest recommendation and I must say I was not disappointed!  Pope Francis recommended the novel especially for single people specifically those who are engaged to be married, he said that it was a great story of love, suffering and testimony of faithfulness.  The novel narrates the story of an engaged couple that are prevented from marrying by the town’s tyrant and must flee to escape his wrath, but through circumstances are separated and face many difficulties.  Their separation leads both on different adventures that tests the strength of their love, commitment to each other and their faith in the goodness of God.  The novel not only portrays a very real love story, but it shows how God is always working for the good of those who love him.  God can turn the worst circumstances and create powerful moments of conversion and redemption.  The Betrothed is full of teachable moments.  I learned a great deal from the protagonists of the novel and it increased my faith in the journey- while I was expecting to read a typical love romance I quickly realized that God had so much more for me.

Perseverance- In today’s culture we are bombarded with two messages when it comes to love between a man and a woman: first it must move quickly and two if it gets too hard quit.  In a way I think that mentality has contaminated the church and today many Christians want things easy and efficiently.  Yet, Pope Francis reminds us that marriage is serious and the period of getting to know each other must happen slowly and with a desire to really get to know and be known by the beloved.  The journey of the lovers in The Betrothed is a long one, yet they face every struggle in faithfulness to one another and the promise they made to marry.  The story really helped me understand the importance of perseverance and patience.  Many times when we are looking for our mate we want the timing and the person to be perfect, yet we are all works in progress.  We all come to one another with lots of imperfections and we must realize that love is not easy.  In fact, when we open ourselves to love we are opening ourselves to hurt, but if we persevere with patience and faith than the hurt we experience will be nothing compared to the love and joy we will receive and give one another.

Redemption- In The Betrothed various stories go on at once, yet all the characters are interconnected.  Lucia (the protagonist) gets kidnapped and through the experience she’s able to bring God to a villain who has an astonishing conversion that transforms his life.  Through this horrific event a soul is returned to God (smile).  The separation from her lover, brings Lucia into the life of a villainous man and while the experience for her is very trying if life had not led her through this path a soul would have been lost.  This narrative helped me understand that God uses everything for the good of those who love him.  Sometimes, people come into our lives for a moment and it saddens us to see them leave, but how great would it be if they left our side a little more lifted.  Many times we are so concerned with what we will get out of things that we forget to be a blessing to others.  Yet, everywhere we go we must share the gospel and trust that God will take care of us.

The Betrothed is seriously a very good novel and I recommend that you read it even if you are not engaged or even in a relationship because the themes and values really motivated me to be a better person.  The novel paints a real picture of love, society, and God.  It also shows ways to be holy especially during trials and tribulations. 

Leave Your Comfort Zone

When I began therapy in my early twenties I remember a session in which I was telling my therapist that my new coworkers had invited me out dancing, but that I didn’t know them very well and had declined their invitation.  She probed further and I told her that I only went out with my close friends because I felt safe around them.  I told her I was afraid I would be stranded at the club not enjoying the company or atmosphere or even worse have an anxiety attack.  She suggested I take my car and have extra money in my pocket for an emergency cab in case I needed to leave.  As homework she asked me to tell my coworkers that I had changed my mind and I would be joining them.  On the day of the outing I placed extra cash in my purse and drove to the club.  It turned out to be a really enjoyable time- no exit strategy was needed.  As I continued therapy my therapist challenged me many times to step out of my comfort zone and slowly my small circle of comfort grew.   I learned that taking risks helped me grow as a person too.  Many times we let opportunities and people that we are not familiar with escape simply because we fear ridicule and rejection.  We avoid doing many things or postpone them until a date that never comes simply because we won’t allow ourselves to leave our comfort zone.  In therapy I learned to step outside of my small circle of life experience and seek untraveled paths.

I have shared the importance of living my life without regrets and thus I am constantly challenging myself to do new things.  I have this strategy where I step outside of my circle of comfort just a tiny bit allowing myself to confront the mixed feelings that come with the unknown and then I step back inside if needed.  I repeat this process until I have conquered the new experience and have gained a new level of familiarity.  More than anything my faith has propelled me to take more risks and to constantly want to grow and mature my small circle of contentment.  Relationships with other people require taking risks and leaving our comfort zone especially at the beginning because we are traveling unfamiliar roads.  It’s a little more difficult to risk in matters of the heart because there’s a greater possibility for rejection.  Yet, I have learned that a clear no is much healthier than missing the opportunity to love and be loved.  Usually prayer helps me gain courage and show the object of my affections that I am interested, but if he responds unfavorably then I retreat to the safety of comfort circle.  There I remain until my beloved comes to me because in matters of two both parties must step outside of their fox hole, take risks and expand their comfort circle to include one another.  It’s a process of mutual risk and giving.  Below are ways which I have found helpful in leaving my familiar little world to seek untraveled lands…

Do not be afraid to be a fool- One of my biggest fears was that I would be humiliated or ridiculed.  I think it had to do with the fact that I don’t like the spotlight, but as I have gotten older I realize that practicing the virtue of humility really has transformed me in this area.  I look at the life of Saint Francis of Assisi, who called himself “God’s fool” and I realize the importance of taming our fragile ego.  When we learn our smallness in comparison to our Creator it’s hard not to realize how foolish we really are.   

   

Change your Thoughts- Nobody is perfect, the person you like has defects and should not be placed on a pedestal.  Learning to see others beyond the societal values - honestly as sinners, but equal in God’s eyes places all of us at the same level.  Starting together on the same level with God begins the creation of a mutual comfort zone. 

Practice and Expand- Develop a habit of becoming comfortable with taking risks by detaching yourself of any expectations and diminish stress and anxiety by taking small steps.  True change happens slowly, thus don’t push yourself too far.  Like I shared before I step out of my zone, but if I feel threatened I return to it until I develop the courage and peace to try again. 

Move through fear with action- With risk comes a chance of failure and rejection but NEVER forget there’s also a chance for greatness.  If you never leave your comfort zone you are diminishing opportunities to succeed and add happiness to your life.  Mother Angelica reminded me that suffering is part of a Christian and growing in holiness is to do so joyfully.  Thus, we Catholics should NOT be afraid to suffer especially for love!  If a girl shows you she’s interested go for it with gusto and if she rejects you don’t take it personally God just has other plans (smile).

We are wired to seek comfort so it’s hard to step outside of it, but once in a while we all need a little excitement and change (smile). 

If Women Understood Men

My dog has this need to be the center of attention! Smile. 

I changed the name of my blog soon after I started blogging to “In My Shoes” because I literally love shoes, but more importantly because these writings are my personal perspective of life and I think in order to build solid relationships with others we need to have an empathetic soul.  So, through these posts I am inviting you to come into my life and for a moment step into my shoes.  When we learn to see life through the eyes of others we become more compassionate and better lovers- for we are able to gain a deeper understanding of each other and see how we can address the needs of others.  Empathy requires a voyage away from self and into the lives of others.  On an episode of “Oprah,” I saw a story about a lady who bought a pair of shoes that Oprah had worn and when the lady was feeling really depressed she would stand in Oprah’s shoes until one day she found the strength to stand on her own.  Sometimes other people’s lives can motivate us, inspire us and give us the strength we are lacking.  I remember after my mental break down I attended a support group and hearing others’ similar struggles and seeing people at various areas of recovery gave me hope.  I wasn’t alone in my insanity, there were others who suffered and were worse than I and others who had found a way to lead successful lives- both encouraged me so much.  God’s genius is evident in creating us to live in unity and community supporting one another because once in a while it’s great to know that I am not alone that others share my struggles.    

I once read that the best quality when looking for a spouse is compassion.  Many times we are looking for someone to understand and truly “get us” and we forget that God asks us to practice what we preach.  As a Catholic, single woman with many friends who share the same status we often share the frustrations of our vocation especially if we desire marriage and a family, but rarely do we step into the shoes of the Catholic, male role and try to truly understand their struggles.  Many times we accuse them of being too weak and unclear in their pursuing, get impatient because they take too long or criticize their attempts to reach us- I know that I have done that many times; BUT, today I want to try to increase our compassion towards them. I am sharing this post that I found on a friend’s Facebook wall whose writer Jess Browne gives a lot to ponder and hopefully learn.

If Women Understood Men

"If Women Understood…

We also have fears but don’t have the permission to show it.
There's excitement in the sound of an engine or a goal.
We value more the excess of smiles than three less pounds.
Our role to be the breadwinner of our family can be overwhelming.
What it’s like to be expected to be brave, powerful and successful all the time.
How bothersome comparisons with the “ex” are.
Our need for the hugs that we don’t always know how to ask for.
How difficult it is to understand lessons that were never taught.
How hard it is to hold back tears that we are ashamed to shed.
The power you have over us.
We also spend sleepless nights.
We need silence as you need to talk.
We don’t walk through life thinking of how to hurt you.
We are weaker than our height and muscles say.
That to bring the best or worst of us is in your hands.
We think and reason differently.
We feel similarly.
We express and show our feelings as best we can or as we were taught. 

If women understand this, if they could look beyond some oversights, if they realize that for us the biggest proof of our love is having chosen her, if women lower their guard, save their reproaches, if they increase their smiles, encouragement and playfulness and if you let us do things without too much of a sense of obligation or too high of expectations you will understand that you are what gives meaning to our lives… As women, wives, girlfriends, mothers, daughters, sisters or friends.”

(translated from Spanish)

Music has Healing Power

On Saturday, I went to see my favorite Rock-en-Español band Maná at a sold out concert at the Staples Center.  I’ve been following them since they debuted in the early 90’s in the states.  They just have such lyrically strong songs combined with a natural fusion of beats that give them a very original sound.  They are classic performers who let their music speak to the multitudes and don’t rely on outrageous costumes, dancing routines or spectacular visual effects.  Their music is enough to sell out stadiums.  Every time I see them I am always amazed by how great they sound live.  They are also really kind to their fans, usually if we ask for an encore after each performance they come back on stage and play another set of songs.  Unfortunately, I bought my set of tickets a little too late and was only able to get seats in the very back of the auditorium.  From my seat I was able to see the massive crowd present and to hear the beauty of our voices as we all sang along to our favorite songs.  As I sang in unison with the crowd many things happened inside my being, I realized how music can heal and transform and how we are all made to worship.  Music has power.

Many times in my life I have found refuge in music.  In my teens when I sang with a brush in front of the mirror I dreamt of fame as a way out of my difficult life.  In my early twenties, I found that sad ballads combined with alcohol intensified the turmoil inside and freed me from taking any responsibility to grow-up.  I became addicted to dwelling in the chaos inside and intensifying the pain by using music and alcohol.  When my brother passed “Hurt” by Johnny Cash became my anthem.  I used to ride in my car without destination the song on repeat at full volume trying to escape the pain inside: “I hurt myself, today to see if I still feel…”  Many times tears rolling down my face, sometimes slightly buzzed I drove hoping for the courage to disappear to drive off into nonexistence.  In my family of alcoholics I had learned to use music to intensify the pain and to do things with the excuse that I was drunk and thus knew no better.  When I began my adult Catholic conversion, a talk was given on the power of music and how music can help build or destroy.  I thought the thoughts expressed during the talk were restricting and I loudly vowed to never be converted in this area.  I remember in my small group I was so indignant- “music is art and art is a form of free expression I will never change and don’t you try to change me!”  

When I began attending Mass I would cry every Sunday not because of the great homilies or readings, but because of the music that was played.  I remember the first time I went to Mass I heard a solo man’s voice with acoustic guitar singing the lyrics “I give you thanks Jesus for having found me.”  Immediately I was overcome by tears and as I knelt the entire congregation disappeared and it was just Jesus and I and Jesus was telling me that I was found, saved and loved by Him.  He was showing me the path to Him and asking me to come.  I remember my sobs couldn’t be repressed and between messy tears and snot - healing was happening.  This was our routine for many Sunday’s I showed up cried and a little more healing occurred.  Slowly I ate my words and realized the power of music and with the help of God I transformed my habits and stopped using music to intensify the pain.  For a long time after that I only listened to Christian music- but now I listened to secular music too because through God music was redeemed and now it occupies a healthy place in my life.

As I looked at the massive group of Maná fans singing along to classic songs I realized that we all have a built in magnet inside to worship.  Many times we ardently, even obsessively, admire famous people because there’s something in our biological make-up that tells us we were made to worship.  Yet, that message gets lost in translation and many times we aim too low in what or who we worship just like the Israelites worshiping a golden calf.  While I listened to some of my favorite tunes I was sadden a little to see such a great public display of adoration towards four men that form a rock band and to compare that to the small groups that gather for perpetual adoration.  I remembered an activity that we did during a Jovenes Para Cristo retreat where we introduced three of our members dressed like famous people and the crowd went crazy with applause and hollering and then we introduced a member carrying Jesus on the cross and was that a juxtaposition!  There was stupefied silence as people realized the position celebrities have in their lives and the unimportant place given to God.  Many got down on their knees while others clapped and cried realizing that the King of Kings is the only one worthy of worship and adoration.  The speaker followed with a great talk on Catholic worship.  He was charismatic and he made a statement that has remained with me since, “when we go to concerts, games and other activities we naturally scream and holler, but when we worship God sometimes we are uncomfortable just occupying space.”  While I was singing along to Maná his words came to my mind and I thanked God for the band, for allowing me to be able to enjoy the music and appreciate the talent He has given the musicians.   

"Mi amor era pequeño 

pero ya lo he encontrado 

y ese pequeño amor 

hoy se ha agigantado" 

3 for 300

Years ago when I contemplated the idea of getting a Myspace account I thought about how I wanted to light the world with goodness and positivity.  I thought that I would choose Alanis Morsette’s “Hand in My Pocket” as my profile song and I would flood the social media site with meaningful posts.  That didn’t go very well because my peace was only skin deep; thus, my time on the site turned out to be a series of posts portraying my drunken nights, songs used to express my dark feelings, and a bunch of publications revealing the storm inside.  When I opened a Facebook account I did it with more mature reasons- my friends were having babies and through Facebook I could watch the fast growth of their little ones.  As God began to really transform me, as I got more comfortable professing my faith and as I felt the need to evangelize I began to use the site as my testimony of life.  Then the idea of starting a blog began to form in my mind, and though I had always written in my private life- my writings were never seen by anyone other than myself.  Many times in moments of prayer I felt God asking me to write and finally I began this silly, little adventure.  At first I thought that I would write about trivial things like my great bargain shopping skills or my shoe collection, but as time went by I felt the Spirit of God leading me to write about my testimony and life as a young, Catholic woman.  Today is my 300^th post!  Though I cringe at some of my initial entries and am amazed by some of the intimate things I have shared I have found writing this blog to be such a healing and growing process- and no one has been more evangelized through it - than myself!  Father told me back in January that he has seen me grow a lot this past year and become more confident (smile) I think a lot of it has to do with these simple posts.  Throughout the year I have receive a few questions and today I want to answer three as a way to say thank you for reading and keeping this little dream of mine alive!

1. Where does my happiness come from?  My happiness comes from God.  As a teenager and young adult I desperately sought the answer to the question: what is the meaning of life?  I looked for it in relationships, in alcohol, in partying, in studying, in accomplishment – but found everything meaningless.  We all died in the end and oblivion was our destiny- these dark thoughts propelled me into the realm of existential philosophy and I fell deeply in love with Nietzsche and Kant.  Their thoughts validated my despair and for many years I believed life was an inevitable anguish only escaped through death and nonexistence.  Religion for that matter was for foolish people and I hated anyone who tried to talk to me about any form of spirituality especially of God.  Yet, death humbles even the most proud and the passing of my brother drove me to unexplored territories.  His death caused me to reexamine life and death and the meaning of life- but this time considering Christian philosophy.  God led many people and books that transformed my mind and heart– He wooed me slowly and when I finally decided that He was it for me I found a peace and joy that I had never experienced.  As time has passed He teaches me to rely more on Him and as my trust in Him grows so does my joy.  One of my favorite scriptures is (Phillipians 4:12), “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.”  Chesterton makes a great observation in his book Orthodoxy, he says that fairytales (which many people reduce Christianity to) have never made anyone insane but reducing the cosmos to the smallness of human intellect does.  Thus, I rather live my as if it were a fairytale where goodness, magic, happy endings and God exist.
   
2. How do I manage to remain positive? Again God.  I have found that living my life believing in the promises of Christ really inspire me to be positive even in the darkest situations.  Taking responsibility for my actions, finding ways to correct unwanted behavior and praying helps a lot too.  God wants us to become better versions of ourselves so we need to be open to change and growth.  Often in difficult situations God makes me aware of areas that I need to surrender and grow in.  As He highlights these points I pray and actively try to change my poor habits.  Albert Einstein said the definition of “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”  He’s on point, we need to be open to different techniques until we find ways that motivate our spiritual growth.  Believe me I lose my peace and positivity a lot, but every time I am in a situation that requires me to be positive I use it as an opportunity to try again.  Many times it’s just a matter of letting go and learning to trust that God is in control and He will take care of it.  I try living my life like God is the Pilot and I am just the sidekick enjoying the ride.     
   
3. Where do I shop? To lighten the mood a little let’s talk about shopping! To be honest I don’t like to shop- I have to be in the proper mood to go out shopping and even then I do a quick scan through the store.  I also have been a green shopper for a few years now so most of my stuff are second hand articles.  The places I love to shop are Goodwill, Savers, local thrift stores, EBay, Yard Sales and swap meets.  I am a snob and do like brand name items because they are better made, last longer and usually don’t exploit people or nature.      

Thanks for reading looking forward to many more posts, God willing (smile).

Love Mends

“Todo en esta vida tiene solución menos la muerte,” my mom often tells me.  “Everything in life has a solution except death,” has been her life philosophy.  Over the years those words have repeatedly made their way into her encouraging pep-talks.  When I scraped my knees, when I lost a ball game, when I failed a test, when my heart was broken, she smiled, hugged me and said, “todo en esta vida tiene solución menos la muerte.”  As a child her comforting smile and hug were enough to motivate me high enough to dream again, but as I got older her words began to be just as important.  Once I asked her what she meant by always repeating that phrase and she looked me in the eye and with the most radiant smile she said, “There’s no mistake big enough, or trouble so great that you can’t make amends - as long as you have life in your body anything can be fixed. Nothing is ever final only death.”  After a lifetime of being nurtured by those words I have come to believe in their truth, but as I grow older they get redefined and gain more meaning.  To accept that everything in life has a solution requires two very difficult qualities humility and action.  Humility in accepting our fault in the matter and in seeking a way to correct that wrong- then taking the action needed to repair the damage.  Sometimes our mistakes require perseverance to just not let failure dominate.   Other times they require practice as a way to mature our weaknesses into strengths.  The most difficult solutions for many are usually when we must repair a hurt we inflicted on another because we have to swallow our pride and apologize.

Apologies are important in all relationships.  When I taught preschool and two of the children had a disagreement after we got to the root of the problem I would make the two little ones apologize to each other and hug it out.  The need for the verbal, “I am sorry” is important, but so is the sincere actions that follow that statement.  When my kids would hug they usually would separate from the embrace with a smile and would go on to play together.  Peace in their friendship had been restored.  As Christians we believe in the importance of forgiveness and we are told to forgive even if we don’t receive an apology.  When we are able to forgive in this manner we gain a lot of inner peace.  Yet, as Christians we are also told to go and make peace with our brother before we come to the altar of the Lord.  Thus, if the opportunity allows a moment must be made to allow two people to make amends.  Strong relationships mature and survive when people are compassionate and have the humility to seek forgiveness. Sometimes we make things bigger in our minds and repairing them seems too big, complicated and impossible, but "todo en esta vida tiene solución menos la muerte."  Nothing is ever too big especially if we add God to the mix.  In order to salvage friendships we need a constant ounce of humility and the will to make things right - with God's help we are invincible!  

I need to know that I wasn't being ignored through tangible proof.  

Enjoy Your Life

My dog is such a good boy, usually when I walk him at the park I let him off leash so that he can wander about at his own pace and just enjoy the supervised freedom.  I love seeing his happy face and his tail dancing in the wind.  He too keeps an eye on me during our walks and always keeps a comfortable distance.  During our walks while my little guy goes about smelling bushes and marking his territory I talk to God.  Mostly every time I get lost in the beauty of my doggy’s happiness and enjoyment of nature.  Dogs have this innate manner of appreciating life- they literally stop and smell the flowers.  At home things are no different, he gets excited over meal time, treats, barking at the mailman, chasing the UPS truck, sunbathing a few times during the day, the celebratory arrival of his pack at the end of each work day, and lots cuddling and affection.  While making these observations of my baby’s behavior I realized that a thankful spirit is really important in Christian spirituality.  The secret to inner peace is enjoying life and the gifts that God has given us, even while we wait for a prayer to be answered.  You can’t keep what you want from enjoying what you have.  I used to be the type of person that lived accumulating blessings, but never enjoying them.  My mentality was, “when I have or accomplish this then I will be happy.”  Yet, that happiness continued being postponed because I always wanted more or felt like I needed more to be happy.  Sometimes even now when I am ardently praying for something or someone I lose my peace in the asking forgetting that God promises to provide for all of our needs: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  

We have to be conscientious that every petition that we ask from God we have to take care of.  Answered prayers are gifts from God that we personally have asked for - be a new job, a material need, or a person- and come with a set of responsibilities and a desire from God for us to enjoy them.  Similarly, when we give someone a gift we want that person to delight in it.  Yet, I look at my aging parents, at my family and loved ones who sometimes in my busyness I neglect; or at my home, car, abundance of material goods and daily sustenance which I take for granted; or at the easy movements of my body and good health that I too disregard and wonder why God continues to give me so much when I have difficulty enjoying what I have.  I look back when I asked for a job, a house, the health of my loved ones and God gave me all and I am ashamed because I still doubt in His Providence and forget to appreciate these gifts.  It’s easier to focus on what I don’t have and lament over unanswered prayers... but just living in this country makes me so blessed!

I went to confession this Saturday, and as I was doing my examination of conscience I realized that I have a lot of growing to do.  I need to learn a thing or two from my dog in appreciating what I have and really ENJOYING God's gifts.  A prayer of thanksgiving can be as simple as an afternoon shopping with my mom and my sister, reading a new book from my overcrowded shelves, sitting in my backyard admiring my dad’s garden…  What we focus our minds on whether positive or negative will bear fruits.  Let’s develop grateful characters- spirits who wait in peace and enjoyment for prayers to be answered.  Let’s not allow our impatience and desires for a current prayer to rob or blind us of appreciating the abundant blessings we have already been given and to thank God simply by enjoying them.  A thankful spirit will make us better recipients of blessings to come and our lives will have peace and so much hope while we wait.  So today I challenge to enjoy your mom, dad, sibling, friend, significant other, your job, car, house…  Enjoy it all in thanksgiving and hope in God for He knows your heart and is working all things together for your good and the good of those who love Him.  

What’s on your head?

During the weekend I had several occasions to wear some sort of head accessory:  for my friend’s tea party themed bridal shower I wore a fascinator a la Duchess of Cambridge, for a night walk with my doggie it was cool enough to wear my panda bear beanie and for a time of prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament a scarf worn as a veil…    Traditionally Christian women wore head coverings to public worship up until around 1960 when it became a minority custom.  It’s a shame when we let go of such neat traditions, my grandma to this day wears a veil so whenever I see a woman during mass with a headcovering, sweet thoughts of mi abuelita flood my mind.  Though some denominations still promote headcoverings during worship and I have seen some posts on Catholic blogs wanting to bring a “veils revival” the practice still continues to lose favor.  To me it’s always important to understand things more deeply- I love accessories I am after all a girly-girl, but when I wear hats in my ordinary life it’s usually for ornamental reasons.  On a rare Sunday (when I wake up to catch the seven AM service) I always see an older lady with fabulous hats, but to be honest I find her hats very distracting because she stands out in the crowd (smile).  Am sure she wears the hats as a way to honor God, as am sure the people that are trying to bring back veils to worship too have godly reasons. 

Traditionally veils served as a sign of submission and symbol of Christianity.  The veil showed the roles of headship and the woman wore it to symbolize submission to male authority.  It honored the verse, “Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.”  So, women were required to wear them and not men to highlight this distinction.  Furthermore, I read somewhere that single women wore white veils and married women could wear any color, but white to also express that marital distinction.  I find this knowledge really fascinating and such a great public display of Christian inward values.  It visually showed our roles as men and women, married and single, Christian and non-Christian.  Through this delicate outward sign men and women were constantly reminded of their role in Christian society.  Looking at headcoverings in this light one can see the devastating results of letting go of such a simple tradition.  Wouldn’t it be great for men to be reminded every day (at worship) that they are the leaders, the strong initiators and representations of Christ in the family? And wouldn’t it be great for women to be reminded to be patient, helpful and obedient to their men, daily too? 

Can the removal of a little veil from worship be such a big deal?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that as a single woman I am suffering from the effects of women and men forgetting their place in Christian society: women get tired of waiting and pursue and men avoid their role as pursuer – and neither is happy because we are going against our creative roles.  I wouldn’t mind having a daily public reminder to be submissive and am sure men would benefit from a little motivation to be the leaders God knows they can be.  Recently I fell into this desire to lead, but now I know that I am done removing my submissive veil. My nana always tells me, "when a man is for you - God will give him the courage and there's nothing that will prevent him from following the will of God." God will lead him to you and break his silence.  I just pray that he has little veils in his life that empower him with manly courage and leadership (smile). Nothing can be lost if God wills it for your life, but we must surrender our hopes and trust in Him. 

No Expectations No Disappointments

The day of my brother’s funeral a close friend didn’t show up.  He didn’t show up while my brother was in the hospital, or during the week that passed while we waited to receive the body, or the day we laid him down for eternal rest.  I remember he called me after and said that he was really sorry for my loss.  I asked him why he hadn’t been present during the toughest days of my life.  I remember being so angry with him because of the hurt that his absence caused.  He, being my best friend and my first boyfriend and though we had decided to remain friends after the breakup when I needed him he left me alone.  Later that night while I walked my dog- I remember thinking people give you what they have and if my friend only had enough of himself for a call, I couldn’t be mad at him because he was giving me all he had to give me.  I learned that night that my expectations were the issue.  I was hurt because I expected too much from him.  The only person I should be upset with was myself for expecting too much from another.  No expectations no disappointments was the big lesson of that night.  I didn’t know God then, but I realized that people especially those we love WILL hurt us and they will hurt us BIG time.  Because when we love others we open ourselves to hurt, but through God's grace we can forgive anything.

Let Go and Let God...

In my walk with the lord I later learned about codependent relationships, when each of you depends on one another for complete fulfillment, when unconsciously you make your partner your god and all of your expectations, dreams and desires revolve around that one person… Remember we were not created to be worshipped, we were created to worship God- to glorify God.  Thus, when we place a person- in my case a man on a pedestal he is bound to fall off it very quickly.  As I got to know God a little better I realized that all people come with imperfections even our crushes!  Sometimes the feelings we develop towards a person of the opposite sex can overrule our Christian reason (we begin to see them as perfect creatures because our feelings blind our reason) and we can continue the habit of placing our significant other in places where only God belongs... That's why I find Aristotle's proposition very wise a friendship will only last when two people together fall in love with God.  That is they no longer worship each other or see one another apart from God, but come together to glorify God.  God (for His purposes) will draw two people together so that they might find their salvation in each other’s presence and together fulfill a common mission.  That’s pretty awesome! Venerable Fulton Sheen wrote a book, Three to Get Married, in which he talks about how God needs a special place in all our relationships. He needs to be our compass – our guide and Lord always.  Saint Pope John Paul II tells us that true love is not a feeling, but it’s composed of two things: sacrificial self-giving and responsibility. Of learning to hold to the desire of wanting the best for the beloved.  These descriptions on friendship and love really give one a lot to think about. 

Ultimately I think we are all looking for a person that cares about us- so much that we can be free to be ourselves, be vulnerable and honest.  Someone who will be gentle with us and walk with us towards heaven.  I know that’s what I am looking for.

Reaching that level of intimacy between two requires time, trust, a lot of prayer and courage. It requires the ability to let go of ungodly expectations and hope the best in and for the other.  It’s important to trust God above all and surrender to His will.  

Do you care about me God?

The spiritual journey never ends in this world, every day I must continue to allow God to shape me into a better version of myself.  Some days I feel anti-productive as if instead of moving forward in holiness I take steps back in sin, fear and doubt.  Sin and fear separate us from God and create burning doubts with the main question being:  “do you care about me God?” I pray, I try to be obedient, but sometimes my immature faith, my problems, unanswered prayers bring rise to the unbeliever in me.  This struggle is common amongst believers and it’s perfectly ok to have these negative feelings and to wonder whether God is really listening, but what we do during this inner fight is infinitely more important.  Jesus is my friend, that's something that I learned in my protestant past, and I talk to him with the same easiness that I would any close friend.  The problem is that when I reduce him to just any friend his power and might also get reduced.  So, it’s important to be friends with Jesus to have that trust and accessibility that you would with any special friend, but to remember that he is Lord.  That he’s the greatest superhero known to man- he is God.  Yesterday, after work I drove to a parish near my office and went to the chapel to pray.  I had never been inside this particular chapel and when I went inside as I knelt to pray my eyes fell upon a painting of the Divine Mercy underneath the feet of Jesus was the common message: “Jesus, I trust in you.”  Immediately and ever so clearly I knew God was asking me to trust Him.

My favorite form of worship is adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. I love kneeling in the presence of my Lord and to relieve myself of everything that does not belong to Jesus.  I often close my eyes and imagine placing my head on His lap and He stroking my hair while I let it all out.  Many times I don’t need His words, I just need to feel Him close to me.  Sometimes when I am so lost in my thoughts and my hurts- I am unable to hear His reassuring voice, but after I calm down enough His voice echoes in my being. Later last night while I was doing some spiritual reading- I came over the words never lose hope in the mercy of God, God simply wants us to keep trying (failure and all, pain and all) because the God of Mercy knows what we are and revels in our weakness.  Wow!  The outcome is not the Christian objective the goal is to trust God above all and to never be afraid to try again.  Maya Angelou once said, “You might encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.”

I wrote a post earlier today- that I deleted because it was too brutally honest and mean- and I don’t want to hurt others as a way of payback.  The word of God tells us to “not do injury to anyone, but bear injuries patiently.”  Yet the flesh is weak and when we hurt we want to retaliate- I know that my initial response to injury is never godly.  Thus, I need to seek God when I am troubled so that I can respond with kindness and peace.  Sometimes I go quiet so that I won’t be mean- silence is golden as longs as we don’t use it as a passive-aggressive, insensitive response to conflict.  My parents taught us that anger must never be stronger than our familial love.  Thus, though I get angry usually within a day I am back to my peaceful self.  Yet, I need a few hours sometimes more to process the hurt feelings and eventually to let go.  I also need a lot of God.  Today I listened to a chat on fear by Mother Angelica- she’s such a funny lady (must be making the angels laugh in heaven) and she encouraged me.  Gosh, I want to be like her always joyful in my faith in God.  I guess what I am discovering is that our thoughts really affect our prospect of life and our relationship with God.  As an introvert who loves to ponder things, to understand others and ideas I am quite entertained by my own thoughts.  This at times can be a curse, when negative ideas fester in my mind for a while.  Yet, at times like these I always seek God more, through more: prayer, spiritual reading, spending time at his feet in adoration, service or speaking with a close friend.  Life is hard, some days a bit harder than others, but ultimately it's our decision whether to confront it with joy or distress.

Be still and know that I AM GOD.       

Practice Makes Perfect

Last week Pope Francis gave the general audience a book recommendation, which I immediately ordered because it’s his favorite novel!  It arrived a couple days ago and now a third way into the book I realize that most everything in life requires patience. Men have to patient with “a lady’s imagination (which) is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”  Women are usually heavily directed by their hearts (emotions) and men are more led by reason.  There’s a big difference between men and women- and as Pope Francis states when two unite in holy matrimony it’s a miracle!  God made male and female to complement each other, but we are almost a different species in the manner we perceive and live in the world- luckily for us He provides godly advice on how to overcome obstacles and succeed in forming lasting relationships.  God tells us, the man will lead and the woman will be his helper.  Thus, men need to develop good leadership skills and women need to work on submission – which are both quite difficult virtues.  Yet, like in acquiring any other skill in order to grow we need practice.  Practice makes perfect the old saying goes.  There's this great scene in the 2005 adaptation of "Pride and Prejudice" where Darcy expresses his difficulty conversing with people he doesn't know well and Elizabeth tells him that playing the pianoforte doesn't come natural to her, but through practice anyone can excel.  

Children usually have a better understanding in these matters of picking up new habits.  They are more open to being taught, to asking questions, to asking for help when they don't understand how to do things and to practice.  I once read a story about a little girl who needed to learn to thread a needle to get a badge for her girl scout vest.  The father witnessed the struggles his little girl was having trying to put the thread through the eye of the needle, at times she got frustrated at other times she pricked her fingers.  The father wanted to intervene, to help her, but he knew that if his little girl accomplished the task she would gain her badge; but more importantly confidence in herself and she would be a better version of herself too.  In the same way God can intervene and do all things for us, but I think like the father of the little girl scout He's more concerned with our growth because He knows that eventually with enough practice we will achieve and mature (smile). So have patience with yourself and don't be afraid to practice until the challenge becomes a new strength.

For men initiating is a common weakness, but I have been thinking that it's scary because they think that it's something they need to do on their own.  But, God tells us that He created woman to be a helper to the man.  Thus, initiating takes two.  As women we need to encourage through word and action- we need to be approachable, welcoming, patient, kind and to understand that initially things will be confusing, messy and hard.  Especially if it's a struggle for both people to develop (and keep going) a conversation with someone they don't know well.  Yet, practice makes perfect and if the relationship flourishes working together is something that needs to be learned and mastered.  It's a matter of team work. I think we also need to reexamine what pursuing means, most Christian women think that men need to do all the work, but I think it's a matter of two.  If I see the object of my affections subtlety trying, it's OK for me to help.  This wont violate our godly roles because God says women help your men.  The objective in a matter of two is to develop a sort of team where both genders have roles and jobs to do.  I think that sometimes women are told in a very oblivious way that we must be pursued; thus, we develop this mindset that we must do nothing just look pretty and pray.  Yet, that seems contrary to our Catholic faith.  If we are told to "feed the hungry, clothe the naked, shelter strangers, visit prisoners..." that implies active work and assistance always.  Thus, women if you find yourself waiting to be pursued ask God what you can do to encourage and to be a helper to that man you are waiting to make a move, because if you care about him and want to build a successful foundation for love to grow- then both (people) need to develop a team mentality. You both are on the same team (God's team) that makes you immediate allies (SMILE). So go and be good helpers!          

Try, Try Again

Yesterday, was my doggies twelve birthday!  I’ve had him since he was two months old and he truly has blessed my life and taught me so many things.  I often think of the biblical passage of the faith of the Canaanite woman in the gospels when I am having a meal and my little dog orbits beneath the table picking up crumbs that fall to the floor.  If you recall the Canaanite woman comes to Jesus begging him to heal her daughter, and Jesus replies in a very harsh way, “It’s not fair to throw the children’s bread and throw it to the dogs.”  The woman is clearly not one of Jesus’ people, yet she knows him and believes in his healing power as much as in his kindness, so she doesn’t give up.  I love her feisty response, “Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat crumbs that fall from their master's table.”  Jesus attributes the healing of the Canaanite woman’s daughter to her great faith and uses her example of faith to teach his disciples.  It’s such a great narrative- one of my favorite biblical passages. 

When I sit at the table to eat and my little dog looks up with his beautiful, brown eyes I often meditate in silence on the many biblical narratives that speak of God’s pleasure in a persevering spirit.  In secular life we have many people that agree that success has little to do with talent and much to do with persistence.  Yet, it takes courage to saddle the horse and try again- especially after many failed attempts.  It’s no secret that the more rejection and failure the harder it is to continue forward.  For those of you who think I always have it together, on Sunday, I went to church with a crushed spirit.  I was feeling so downcast that as the service began tears started spilling from my eyes.  I hadn’t cried during the Eucharist in years so the whole public meltdown really freaked me out and I wanted to run out of the parish in search of privacy.  Yet, I didn’t want to call attention to myself so I grew roots and remained in the pew covering my face with my hair.  Slowly I regained my composure and by the second reading I had controlled the tears and by the end of the service I was laughing because Father told us a funny joke after the blessing (smile).

I allowed many things to disturb my peace this weekend and by the end of Sunday after turning things in my head all weekend I made a vow to give up on a friendship because I felt unappreciated and hurt.  Speaking with my sister only validated the negative feelings and I came to the conclusion that it was best to move on and let go.  Each of us is a treasure in the eyes of God and He tells us to see one another in the same way.  Thus, as Christians our expectations of how people treat us needs to be high (we must also give that same level of treatment)… Yet, in relationships with others God tells us to forgive often and live in harmony.  Sounds simple, but it’s hard and requires constant work.  All relationships (romantic or not) require persevering because each time misunderstandings or hurt feelings happen more growth occurs if one perseveres.  The bond between the two also has the opportunity to grow stronger.  Nonetheless, persevering also requires trying different approaches until you find the one that helps you succeed…  

Soul Searching

I did a lot of soul searching this weekend because I value living in truth.  As a person whose mind tends to play tricks – I often have to check myself to make sure that I am not being deceived by my own mind.  Even for people who don’t have mental disabilities, it’s important to take the time to evaluate one's walk with the Lord and especially to discern matters of the heart.  We are told that the heart is deceitful and it’s possible for us to deceive ourselves; to believe what is not true, to hope in something that will eventually result in disappointment…  Sometimes talking things over with someone you really trust helps kill tunnel vision and to see the truth.  Yesterday, I worked up the nerve and I talked to my sister about a relationship that I am trying to discern God’s will. 

God gives each of us a really high value- yet we are the final judge in accepting our self-worth.  He views each person as a unique treasure made in His own image and He encourages us not to cast our pearls before swine.  This doesn’t mean that men are pigs, but it does mean that if a man doesn’t recognize the value of your love, he will do the same thing to your heart that pigs do to pearls- trample and crush them into the mud.  Both of your hearts are valuable to God; thus, the giving of love in a matter of two requires a gradual and reciprocal self-giving.  This slow exchange helps the two realize the value of the other person and helps guard each other’s heart.

My sister reminded me that a man who really wants a woman will do whatever he must to possess her heart.  And that when a woman encourages and shows the man that she’s interested if he really likes her he will trample any shyness, fear or insecurity to talk to her and slowly win her heart.  She helped me see that if a man can pursue other things, but chooses not to pursue me- he might like me, but not enough.  That he probably still has someone else in his mind or is searching for a more compatible match and as soon as he finds her he will pursue her.  The truth stinks sometimes, that’s why so many waste so much time in self-deception; but, I only get one life and I want to live it simply and honestly- even if it the truth hurts.