Thorn In My Flesh

I see you, being an introvert makes me very attentive to detail and it also means that I don’t open my heart to just anyone.  This week has been rather humbling- my weaknesses have totally been highlighted and this great feeling of vulnerability has been ever present.  I am bipolar and I take two medications to keep my brain balanced- it’s a life prescription.  All week I have been dealing with finding a new psychologist to prescribe my medications because the place I was going to before due to budget cuts closed its doors.  My insurance has been giving me tons of issues in regards to what they cover and my boss hasn’t been too happy to let me go to doctor appointments.  Then one of the medications that I take became really expensive, but luckily it has gone generic which means the price is now affordable.  Slowly things are beginning to work themselves out and next Friday I will be seeing a new doctor that I am hopeful will be my new psychologist.  I don’t do therapy any more I just need someone authorized to prescribe my medications and I think that I have finally found the right person, thanks be to God.

Anyway, while I have been struggling with these health issues, I have felt really vulnerable and downright insecure.  Though God teaches us that nothing we can do can make Him love us more sometimes I wonder if that too applies to people.  Will you accept me bipolar and all?  Though for a bipolar person I am rather balanced, I get scared that this part of me makes me unattractive and even unlovable.  It’s really humbling to have a weakness that one has no control over, yet I think of Saint Paul asking God to remove the thorn from his flesh and later understands that God allows it so that he won’t become conceited and exalt himself, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  When I am weak God shines in me for it is Him who carries me, His strength and glory are magnified by my bipolarness (smile)!  This weakness immediately connects me to Him and makes me completely dependent on Him; this dependence encourages and inspires my faith (smile).

One of the things that I get scared about in regards to this blog is that my readers form an erroneous image of me.  I am not a perfect person, I sin and I have (great and many) weaknesses; but, I am a work in progress and some of my weaknesses will not be corrected this side of heaven and I am learning to make peace with that.  I also get attacked by the enemy he whispers all types of lies especially when I am vulnerable.  Sometimes the bad thoughts momentarily defeat me especially when I am vulnerable, but God always sends an angel to help me see the truth. I am worthy, I am loveable and no amount of bipolar is too big for my God!  Thanks for the support, I love seeing you around it makes me smile GRANDE.