Emotional Roller Coaster

I was reading a book last night on the power of emotions in our culture.  Often we hear excuses like: “You must be true to yourself;” “listen to your feelings;” “you have a right to.”  These statements are becoming prevailing themes in our culture so much so that people who criticize the truth of these romantic expressions appear insensitive and politically incorrect.  Yet, our Christian faith is not based on feeling, but truth.  Sometimes we don’t feel loving, but God tells us to love anyway.  Sometimes doubt enters our mind and robs our peace, but no matter how we feel the truth of God remains.  I remember when I returned to the Catholic Church I sought spiritual direction.  I was telling Father that I no longer felt like God was real, that I was numb and lacked the rosy emotions that I used to have every time I approached God in prayer and that I was really depressed in addition to full of doubt.  He looked at me and said, “Faith is not an emotion- whether you feel it or not the truth of God is.”  I had come from years of therapy where my therapist constantly suggested I listen to my feelings and this statement contradicted my way of dealing with things.  I loved the fact that faith didn’t depend on me and how I felt.

Emotions are beautiful they enhanced some of the most precious moments in our lives, but they are also not reliable.  This weekend I attended a funeral and a wedding and both events produced a great range of emotions.  In addition, some days my hormones are so crazy that they amplify my feelings.  I started overthinking things and everything seemed so impossible that giving up seemed like the only option.  I felt weak, vulnerable and unappreciated. I, then acted on these feelings because they felt so real by withdrawing and creating fictitious conflict in my mind.  This followed with a good dose of fear and slowly I began to shut down.  It’s as if I was under attack and I just wanted a safe haven to hide until the interior war ended.  I know that if you are an introvert you understand how sometimes we overthink and overanalyze things until we get so lost that even if the evidence contradicts our position we still listen to our erroneous emotions.  At moments like these I just need a hug and a little encouragement because no matter how strong I might appear I too need your supporting smile.

I am a woman and bipolar – which I often describe as God going a little overboard on emotional fairy dust when He created me.  Thus, I am a very emotional person- luckily my faith has helped me become less emotionally dependent, but I still have a long way to grow.  The thing that I really try hard to do is to not be emotionally manipulative.  On Sunday, during Mass, Father mentioned a quote attributed to Saint Francis of Assisi, “I desire little and the little I desire I desire little.”  A person can be happy when nothing is expected and everything given is accepted with gratitude.  Sometimes our emotions come with this entitled attitude, “after all I do this is the thanks I get!” I look at my parents and I know that I have not always been a good daughter.  In fact, in my time I have inflicted a lot of pain, but never have they grumbled about having made me.  They get angry with my actions, but always love me and desire the best for me.  That’s God in them showing me quite clearly that love, truth and goodness are not emotions that expire when a negative feeling comes along, but endure all things.  Love is always ready “to excuse, to trust, to hope and endure whatever comes” without regard to emotional highs and lows.  Let’s pray to always remain in God’s truth and to learn to reign over our emotions.