Fall In Love Again

I haven’t been in the mood to write lately—I remember experiencing this when I started medication for my bipolar disorder.  Part of the side effects included this all-consuming numbing sensation.  Going from an extremely emotional being to feeling “nothing” felt like death and at times I wanted to stop the meds just to feel something.  Yet, I pressed on and lived an unemotional life for months – I felt then that my creativity had died and I would never be able to write again.  Then one day, the pressing need to put pen to paper took over and I regained my ability to paint with words.  In a similar manner the high of falling in love with God faded and for a while my faith felt like nothing more than obligation… I picked up service opportunities and rushed from one activity to the next - rushing always rushing – thinking that a busy life translated into a Catholic life.  But like Martha dashing around gave me little time for prayer and diminished even more my connection with God.  I began to believe that the beauty and demise of my first initial reaction to God’s love was normal.  I had heard many testimonies stating that after years of following God emotions calmed and reached a plateau and then mature faith began.  A faith no longer measured by feelings, but facts.  While I understand and see the importance- the strength of a love so real that it requires one to love especially during those moments when our feelings betray us- I am also a romantic person. I need passion like I need air to exist and knowing God and His way of wooing I hoped that He would continue to overwhelm my senses.

After walking through a desert for a couple years finding my love rotting in a stagnant pool depleted of the initial ardor that drew me to God, I waited.  Then one day I stumbled on a lifeline and I found myself soaked in God’s passion.  The lifeline came in the shape of a naked, little soul so pure and inspiring that her love became my own, Saint Therese.  Reading her autobiography changed my way of loving God.  Up until the moment I opened The Story of a Soul I didn’t really understand the need to study the lives of the saints.  My zeal for Jesus consumed and blinded me- I wanted to focus on Him and Him alone- by reading the saints I naively thought my focus would be shifted away from Him.  What I have found is that through the memoirs of Saint Therese I have fallen in love all over again with God!  I find He occupies the majority of my thoughts and I want to talk to Him all the time.  It’s like we renewed our vows and we are back to the honeymoon stage- it’s so lovely!

GAP (3 dollar) Dress - On Major Sale, Steve Madden Peep-Toes-Yard Sale, Jewelry- Thrifted

  

I recently started reading Catherine Laboure of the Miraculous Medal I’ve had the book on my bookshelf for over a year waiting for the moment that I would be inspired to read it.  Though, I felt like The Story of Soul had ruined me and doubting this new saint would provoke me I was in for a surprise.  You have to remember (dear reader) that my Christian past is a mixture of protestant, evangelical and Catholic and my over protective love for God sometimes leans towards authentically following Him and Him alone.   Thus, when I think of saints I sometimes still cringe, but my exposure to the lives of these two holy women has opened mind and my heart.  I have discovered that reading about these virtuous women who loved God in such a pure form is like reading true, passionate, romantic narratives about God.  Such stories have again stirred my desire for holiness and goodness - and the pressing need to fall daily more and more in love with God has returned.  Studying the lives of the saints is like opening doors into the great romance of God and self.  I want to love You more, my God my Lord.