The Kingdom of God

My friend died last night- and I was left behind without telling him so many things that I waited too long to say and will forever remain unsaid.  As he left our young adult group last week I didn’t say good bye nor gave him a hug thinking he would be there at the next church function. Then last night as I sat at a brewery celebrating a birthday I got the news that he was at the hospital without a pulse.  I rushed to the emergency room hoping to say good bye to tell him that I loved him in Christ and that his life enriched mine.  That the note he gave me at the teen retreat motivated my conversion, that I enjoyed sharing a drink with him at Theology on Tap meetings- that I admired his kindness and close relationship to his mom and family.  I wanted to say those things that often go unsaid because I was afraid they would be taken the wrong way or maybe because I thought I had more time with him.  He was a good man, a good friend and a devoted Catholic…

Late last night, as I made my way into my bed I hugged (the only one awake at that time) my dog and held onto him enjoying his warmth and his reciprocating licks.  I begged God for more time with those I love, but I realize that I don’t need more time what I need is to make better use of my present.  My friend was in his mid-thirties and now he is no more in this world.  While knowing that he’s home- that he beat all of us there- it’s difficult to be left behind. 

He was a high school teacher - and teacher that he was, he continues to teach me that youth cannot be taken for granted.  That I need to live with passion.  That every day is a blessing and perhaps our last.  That the not knowing when we will be separated from our loved ones needs to motivate us to be better friends, brothers, sons, people of faith…  That life is a gift and we must never take it for granted.  I’m still in shock and have shed many tears- because as a person of faith I still hurt and follow the same grieving process – but I have hope in God and I know that my friend is happily and eternally home.     

Paz Y Bien

A Franciscan parish I found in Puerto Rico.

I was born in a home full of animals… My fondest memories include taking care of rabbits, chicks, goats, etc. in the small farm we found ourselves in Mexico.  My dad assigned me the duty of taking care of the offspring and many an hour were spent looking after my little friends.  To this day I am more natural, comfortable and truly me around animals, specifically dogs.  When I returned to the Catholic faith after spending a few years at an evangelical church (and many more as an agnostic) the whole notion of saints disturbed me- and maybe that’s why God gave me Saint Francis of Assisi as the saint that won my heart.  In a Jovenes para Cristo meeting, acoustic guitar was added to the “Prayer for Peace” and I remember hearing it for the first time and my whole soul rejoiced and I fell deeply in love with Saint Francis.  As I continued in my faithful path I learned some great stories about Saint Francis like the taming of the wolf and his ability to talk with animals and my admiration improved.  Though some stories are stuff of legend, the more I learned about him through Little Flowers of Saint Francis or Chesterton’s biography of my beloved saint my heart yearned to imitate his spirituality.  I yearned for simplicity, for the natural world and for humility.

Socializing at the dog park.

Future Lay Franciscan.

As years have passed since my introduction to Brother Francis, my connection to him has grown.  Every place that I have traveled I find a parish, monastery or just a happy statue or painting of him and I can’t help, but feel like he follows me (smile).  Through example, he has helped my relationship with God become more intimate and he's given me a look into the heart of our Creator that I love.  He’s taught me to enjoy a sunset, a cloudy day or my father’s flowers for I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these (smile). 

Though I don’t know much about the Catholic saints- only until recently have I started reading the lives of saints (because I am a Jesus nerd)- Saint Francis began my introduction into the exemplary lives of many who took the gospel and brought it to life without changing it simply making it completely their own.  And he’s a saint my heart favors (wink).  I admire the life change he made and his ability to give up everything for God.  A friend said that I shouldn't favor any of the saints, but I can't help to be drawn to this incredible man who left such a strong legacy in the name of Christ. Do you have a favorite saint?   

Taking a stroll.

He's Just Not Into You

Earlier in the year, Father and I had an extremely productive conversation on how to become more rational and practical in matters of the heart.  As a woman my role is to WAIT to be pursued and while men might find our part in the courting process as the easier of the two – it’s extremely difficult.  It requires patience, prayer and wisdom.  In the courting process initially the woman gives the man signs that she’s interested and waits to be pursued.  During the wait she prayerfully and reasonably decides whether this man is interested or not.  If he is interested then things will move forward for the two, but if he’s not then she needs to come to terms with it and move onward.  The process always requires progression, but many times women get stuck making excuses for men that don’t pursue them: “he must be busy that’s why he returned my text two days later, he needs help so I’ll start all of our conversations, he’s just shy…”  In addition, sometimes the council of well-meaning friends makes the whole process more difficult.  The thing is that if a man is into you he will pursue and you will know it and there won’t be a reason to provide excuses for his lack of interest.

I have a really full life- my family, friends and church community enrich my life and diminish any feeling of loneliness.  Yet, until recently, when a man that I was interested in didn’t pursue me I lost my peace.  The desire for that person to want me, made me miserable until I realized that the problem is in the want.  The Apostle Paul tells us that the secret of being content in any and every situation is Christ.  Thus, when our focus gets shifted away from Him we are opening ourselves to pain.  Father advised me to continue repeating he’s not into me until I am standing next to my spouse reciting our vows (smile).  His advice sounds rather silly, but it really works at helping maintain my peace. 

Courting is complicated and emotionally exhausting!  It requires a lot of humility and vulnerability – but am sure when we meet our one-and-only it’s worth the struggle (smile).  It’s also for the mighty in strength because it requires courage to get up and try again.  

We are in This Struggle Together

Exploring Nature with the King of my heart.

I am a doubting Thomas.  I identify with his skepticism and his refusal to believe without tangible evidence.  He waited to trust in the resurrection of Jesus until he could see and feel the wounds.  As a young teen I left the church specifically because I thought science and religion couldn’t coexist.  Believing that I had to make a choice- I chose science.  Recently I was reading Chesterton’s Orthodoxy.  In the book, Chesterton plays with the idea of fairy tales and how no human being has ever lost his sanity by believing in magic, but many great philosophers have gone mad trying to devoid the world of God.  I also, read The Case for Christ and listened to many lectures by Father Robert Spitzer where they both provide scientific evidence for Intelligent Design.  While God has provided a lot of information to help me reconcile science and religion in my life- I still have doubts.  I constantly ask Him to place my hands on His wounds because my suspicion is so great.

Happiness is a smiling dog!

I think the biggest battle in my spiritual life is prayer.  Is He listening?  Does He care? Will He hear my cries and provide help?  The answer through faith is yes.  According to scripture and Catholic Tradition God is involved in our daily struggles, He didn’t create the world and placed us in it to just leave and watch from afar never interceding.  He cares!  Yet, I doubt when I pray and I don’t hear an answer right away- or when the answer is no.  I doubt when I want something or am praying for someone and all I get is silence.  I been thinking lately of the man that asked Jesus to heal his son and cried out, “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.”  Help my unbelief.  The Apostle Paul talks about a thorn that he pleaded for God to take from him, but God said no and Paul realized that through this thorn he depended on God for sustenance.  I need God (I know life without Him) and I choose God.  I pray even when I don’t feel like it, even when I doubt I pray because I believe in Jesus Christ.  Sometimes I pray that He helps my unbelief, other times I ask Him to let me feel His wounds.

Though I have had great confirmations of the power of prayer, I still struggle.  Yet, when I think of Exodus and how many times God provided tangible evidence to the prayers of His people and they still doubted- I realize that I am weak and it is in weakness that God loves most to create...  Whatever my struggles, I have made my choice to follow God all the way to heaven and there’s no amount of unbelief that will keep me from surrendering my life to Him who my heart adores (smile).    

He's MINE!

The State of My Heart…

I haven’t written about the progress towards my one-and-only in sometime and a friend asked me just yesterday for the state of my corazón.  My heart is full of love and the desire to release it at the given time that God tells me so.  It’s still dormant and following God’s will to not awaken until love so desires.  I think that has been what I have been working on lately- to not give my heart away too soon.  To not be clouded by my romantic spirit, but to follow my heart with caution and reason.  I don’t have a lot of experience in dating nor in the opposite sex.  Ninety-nine percent of my friends are women.  I mentioned before that I have only been in one relationship and have gone on two dates since my break-up almost a decade ago.  When I am around men I’m attracted to I stumble, my speech gets tangled and I have difficulty carrying on a conversation- sometimes it’s easier to resort to silence.  If my relationship with a man could be done through writing I might have a chance- since it’s in writing that I find most of my courage & clarity (smile).  Yet, I know that God wants me to grow and to take me out of my comfortable, intimate circle into an arena where I will be challenged to mature in love. 

I have a tendency to be the person that falls in love first in the relationship- I give my heart too easily and usually end up hurt.  My sister who knows me best, tells me that I need to fall for men that love me first- meaning I need to wait to give my heart until I know for sure that my love is reciprocated.  Father Morrow, too, told me that when my heart wants to move emotionally too fast I need to keep repeating "he’s not into me" and allow the man to do the pursuing.  For if a man is into me he will pursue.  As logical and simple as both the advice Father and my sister offered – I finally agree that in order to protect my heart I need to be more practical. 

Next month I am going to the National Singles Conference, that’s my next attempt at finding love.  I must confess that since the singles cruise and after my failed attempt with the Ave Maria Dating Website I haven’t put myself out there.  However, I am content knowing that I am actively doing my part and trust in God that when I am ready for my hubby God will place Him in my life. Until then I am guarding my heart in a more proactive manner and enjoy the blessings of single life (smile).       

Eres Mi Religion

Floating… I lay my head on the water and let go of my body trusting that the water will push me up and I will float. One with the water I open my eyes and see nothing but blue sky with sparse clouds.  My obsessive mind slowly shuts down as thoughts of God begin to emerge. A bible verse at first, then a prayer of thanksgiving- followed by whispers leaving my lips. True love forgives.  Am not sure how long I floated lost in prayer, but after entering the depths of the prayer room that throughout the years God & I have built together it's difficult to return to the world.  When I pray, especially when I do it while I am on vacation I always have a difficult time returning to my life- how I wish God would call me home at that very moment- am ready...  

Santa Barbara Mission

God is good all the time!

Over the weekend my friends and I went to the beautiful Santa Barbara for a short getaway. Among the fourth of July celebrations, touring some of the most popular sites, enjoying a glass of wine at one of the wineries and simply relaxing in the pool I return to my routine more rested, relaxed and so in love with God.  God knew that I needed to get away to return to Him (again).  To run into His arms and renew that passion that for the past few months I have been lacking.  I feel like God is calling me into a deeper relationship with Him - into a more grown up love.  After months of dryness the simple act of calling to Him while I floated on the hotel swimming pool renewed me inside.  I think that’s probably what most marriages and relationships require- constant renewal.

Mis amigas del alma.

On Sunday, as we made our way to the Santa Barbara Mission one of my favorite Maná songs came on the car radio, “Eres Mi Religion”…  The song debuted in the fall of 2002, when I was madly in love with my ex-boyfriend and this song was a song that represented who he was to me at the time.  The lyrics speak of a man who was so depleted in an utter state of devastation - and love came into his life in the form of a woman and she became his all- his religion.  That’s how I used to feel about my ex-boyfriend and when the relationship ended I was shattered.  I know I am not the only person who has placed all hopes on a human being only to then become utterly hurt.  As I listened to this AMAZING song before exiting the car to tour the grounds of the mission I realized that God is my religion now!  How fitting that this song would come on the radio at this specific moment to remind me of my spiritual growth and to woo me into a deeper love con mi Papi Dios.  Only God will never disappoint, heal and love unconditionally with such a strength that having Him alone is enough: “Eres Tu mi bendicion eres mi Luz eres mi Sol.. eres Tu mi religion…”

Enjoying the parade with my beautiful Goddaughter.

Confession: The Truth Will Set You Free

Yesterday, I went to Courtyard Theology, an event held at my parish during the warmer months that provides great talks on spirituality.  We gather outside in the courtyard at my parish and share pizza, salad and wine while listening to a great speaker.  I attended the event after being MIA from parish events for some time and God received me with arms wide open.  Father gave a talk on evangelization using Pope Francis' exhortation “Evangelii Guadium: The Joy of the Gospel.”  While I read the exhortation earlier this year it was refreshing to hear the practical words of our church leader again.  God knows me so well- as I near my one year blog anniversary I began to feel like I was the least adequate person to be attempting to evangelize here.  I am a sinner – I sin daily, even hourly – I am not proud of my falls.  Sometimes I repeat the same sins over and over and I get so discouraged concentrating on my weaknesses and knowing that I have failed again…  Sometimes I let my sins pile up so high that I feel the heavy weight of my burden on my shoulders- yet getting myself to confession is not an easy task.  Not because I fear the priests reprimands, but because I have to find the humility to become accountable for all my wrongs and voice them so that I can reconcile with God and my church community.

The heaviness of my sins has finally made me seek my Spiritual Doctor and unload all of the wrongs I have carried these past months.  This afternoon I will make my way into the confessional.  As a former evangelical I used to confess my sins to God one-on-one and now as a Catholic I do it through a priest.  To be honest I try harder at doing an honest examination of conscience now that I confess to a priest.  I spend more time thinking of what I have done wrong and thus really repenting for my sins.  I even write a list ahead of time and go into the confessional with a plan to leave all my sins at the feet of the cross. I hunger for reconciliation and for God’s grace to start anew. Confession is more than good for the soul it’s good for the whole person.  I have learned great lessons inside a confessional and I enjoy the feedback I get back from the priest.  It’s never pray a Hail Mary and I am absolved - no the priest gives me tips on how to conquer my weaknesses and his words provide hope and opportunities for personal and spiritual growth.

The first time I went to confession after my return to the Catholic church- I expected reprimands, shouts of disappointment and angry words from the priest. Instead, I found a friend who guided me through the sacrament and gave me such kind and hopeful words.  Since then, I have confessed more or less to the same priest and he always gives me such optimistic advice.  While forgiveness comes only from God, it’s such a blessing to have Father’s helpful direction.       

I Am Good But Not An Angel

Sunday's Outfit consisted of Mexico shirts and Jeans...

Sometimes I feel like I am leading a double life.  On one side I have the self who is passionate about God and things leading to heaven on the other side I have the sinner who takes a step forward and two steps backwards. The truth is that I have been a non-practicing Catholic longer than I have been a person of faith.  For over twenty-four years, God in my life was no more than a fairytale.  Thus, being the Penny prior to conversion at times just comes out more naturally.  Yet, daily I renew my commitment to become a better version of me, a closer version of Christ- yet every day I fall short.  Though I have a great group of believers that really inspire and motivate me in my heaven bound path- I also have a huge number of family and friends to whom God is everything wrong with society.  Some blame God for hurts, some think they are too educated to believe, some express indifference, some arrogance and others believe they don’t need Him.  It hurts me to have a circle of family and friends that oppose Christian Spirituality and I know the easy thing would be to walk away and cling to those that share my love of God.

Our hostess family... Yum, Yum, Yum!

Having close family and friends that refuse to believe makes my conversion more difficult because I have to often take Jesus to places where He is not welcomed.  For the longest time I have tried to bring a Jesus that is modern and hip so that my non-believer friends would see that God is up-to-date awesome.  Sometimes trying to be the cool Catholic has gotten me in trouble- I got drunk, gossiped or lied…  Then as I pray and talk to God before I fall asleep I feel like such a horrible Catholic.  The thing is that after my initial conversion I began to become a different person, but there are still relapses.  While reading The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (in the Chronicles of Narnia series) I found a great story of conversion.  A little, spoiled, arrogant and self-centered boy named Eustace slowly transforms after experiencing a traumatic event.  C.S. Lewis goes on to say, “It would be nice and fairly true, to say that ‘from that time forth, Eustace was a different boy.’ To be strictly accurate, he began to be a different boy.  He had relapses.  There were still many days when he could be tiresome.  But most of those I shall not notice.  The cure had begun.”  Isn’t that beautiful and hopeful.  I have learned that a great motivator is learning that others share similar spiritual struggles.  I think that we have a tendency to judge Christians as if they have arrived at godliness only because they are actively living out their faith- but the truth is that Christians are weak and fallible.  I am a sinner- some days a bigger sinner than others.  Yet, God loves me and never tires of forgiving me. 

My Mexican mani, large earrings and decorative headband.

On Saturday, I got together with my friends to watch the Mexico game and while we lost I realized that I am so fortunate to have so many close friends that whether they are Catholic or not they love me unconditionally.  I realized that it’s not my job to convert them or to present God in hipster form- but to love them.  It’s hard sometimes to realize that all God wants from us is for us to love- to show others what God has done and is doing in our lives by the strength of our love and the joy in our lives.  “If you love only those who love you, what reward is there in that?”  Jesus’ ministry reflects His desire to reach the most difficult and to seek people outside of His circle of believers.  He never segregates people. Though He has the apostles as His close friends He’s interested in the salvation of all.  It always scares me when I bump into people that say they left their old friends to follow God… Maybe I am too optimistic or weak in will, but I know in my heart that God wants me to love – to love everyone - especially those different from me and faraway from giving God a chance and who at times challange my conversion.

World Cup Fever

Every four years I put my bookish ways aside and give into the World Cup fever. Growing up soccer games brought my family together, specifically cheering for the Mexican team during the highly anticipated- long awaited event.  While soccer is not the biggest sport in the USA - all over the world it’s one of the most favored.  Even Pope Francis enjoys the sport and saw a great opportunity to send a video message to the world highlighting the positive values that the sport promotes. He went on to highlight the attitudes that soccer supports like training, fair play and honoring your opponent:

 “Let’s think about loyalty, perseverance, friendship, sharing solidarity. Certainly football awakens many values and attitudes that are not only important on the field but also in life, specifically when it comes to peace.  Athletics is a school of peace, it teaches us to build peace.”  

Soccer can create a spirit of solidarity and bring the many cultures of the world together.  In addition, the football-loving pope shared that “to win, we must overcome individualism, selfishness, all forms of racism, intolerance and manipulation of people. 

He also mentioned the importance of teamwork: “Being individualistic in soccer blocks the success of the entire team.  It’s the same with life.  If we are ‘individualistic’ and we ignore those around us, an entire society is harmed. Let nobody turn their back on society and feel excluded. No to segregation! No to racism!”

Last Sunday cheering for USA!

Celebrating Mexico's win- what a sensational game!

Strong words by our pontiff, but so true.  This worldwide event is a great place to show and express our brotherhood – we are one in Christ.  Enjoy cheering for your team during this month long event, but try to do it without pride, without arrogance, but with a spirit of humility and love for one another.  On Sunday we are all getting together to watch Mexico versus the Netherlands, and while I am rooting for my team I know that win or lose I am grateful for the joy this world cup has brought me and my loved ones.  I realize Mexico’s shortcomings, but I still love my green team win or lose go Mexico! And may God crown the winning team according to His will.    

May the best team win!

Parish Rummage Sale

Every year in the month of June my parish holds a two day rummage sale.  I usually participate by buying lots of stuff especially Catholic books.  The first year I attended I found a brand new pair of Jessica Simpson pumps for a mere dollar and since then I have been hooked… This year I decided that I would contribute in a different way (in addition to shopping, of course)!  I decided that I would donate a lot of my books and other things that I no longer need.  I have to confess that in addition to the close relationship that I have to my shoes - books are my other weakness.  I love paperbacks – but swoon over hardbacks.  I have a thick emotional connection to the printed word.  After I read books especially the ones that I really enjoy I have a really hard time letting them go. Yet, I rarely reread books because there’s always so many that I have yet to read (smile).  I want books to have active lives not to waste away in dusty book shelves- especially the ones that are dear to me.  Thus, I decided that donating them to my parish would not only help parish sales, but also make some people happy.  As I continue to de-clutter my life I found quite a sense of excitement donating my things to the church (smile).

About ninety-nine percent of the books I read are books I buy at yard sales, used book stores & Amazon.  I even have a sizeable children’s collection for when I babysit my friend’s children (which really never happens) - but, as I look at the picture books and their stories I can’t help making sentimental excuses to hold on to them.  Finding causes I am passionate about makes me more open to parting from my things.   During Christmas last year, Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa had their annual holiday play and the entrance fee was a donation of a new children’s book – this motivated me to donate quite a few from my children’s collection.  I still have over forty children’s books in my shelves that every time I try to part the colorful stories and beautiful artwork makes me place them back on the shelve. 

On Saturday I headed over to my parish ready to shop, but I got there too late and most of the religion section was gone- so I only bought three books, but one is an audio book!  I found a few accessories too, an awesome nativity pin, some vintage earrings and a couple country inspired pieces for when I go to THE RANCH.  I also bought two brand new three-D puzzles for my nephew which kept us busy all morning putting them together. I am actually glad that I didn’t find a stack too big of books because I want to finish reading the books I currently own before adding more to the pile.  I am currently reading the seven books in The Chronicles of Narnia series, over the weekend I manage to read the first three books once I complete all seven I will share my thoughts.

My purchases

“For it must be true, as an old writer says, that he who has God and everything else has no more than he who has God only.” C.S. Lewis