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How are you doing?

I feel like I am drifting away, like this whole pandemic has cut the cord to my deep connection with the faith community.  My belief is still strong, but I do miss my weekly encounters with people that shared my passion for God.  These days I spend more time with people that don’t share the same faith and it’s hard not feeling like the odd girl out. 

Did you watch the new episode of “The Bachelor” or “Saving Sunset” or “The Real Housewives”?  “No to all of the above,” I say, “I like shows that make me feel good about myself and those reality TV Shows really don’t inspire goodness in me.”  Then the conversation goes dead and I feel like the oddest person alive because I prefer historical drama, PBS or Mastery Theatre shows.  I mean even in the superficiality of conversation I still have a difficult time finding common ground.

I think of Saint Francis and the various people that he spoke with and I know that I need to improve, but it so helps when one has a physical community to belong to.  A place that takes all the weirdos like me.  I miss having those avenues like my Bible Studies, Extension Learning, Theology on Tap and the many other social events that I used to attend with the various church groups in my area.  Being weird was easier then because I had a refuge to go to where my beliefs were validated. 

“O, Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek // To be consoled as to console // To be understood as to understand // To be loved as to love…”

I forget that I am not the center and it’s not always about me, and that’s why I continue to live wanting wholeheartedly to imitate Saint Francis to be more like Him and less like me.

Let Us Pray

Sometimes I get really discouraged about the future.  The most popular answer among the student population that I work with when asked: what do you want to be when you grow up? Is the next influencer or gamer.  No one wants a noble, traditional profession – now it’s about fame and money.  That’s what motivates todays youth.  I get discouraged because while my nephew actually wants to be an anesthesiologist (today), he still doesn’t see the need for God.  I usually am the one that tells his parents when it’s time for the Sacraments and these past few months trying to get them to agree to send my nephew to catechism has been met with numerous excuses.  “I’m not going, I don’t believe in that stuff.” “How can I force him to go when he doesn’t believe?”

I get frustrated because we raised a child who thinks that God and His Church is irrelevant.  Of course, I am not the parent and have tried in my own way to help him providing answers to all the questions that baffle him about the faith and dispute arguments like alien civilizations killing God, among other gnarly things he picks up from Reddit.  Yet, I find myself in the court alone as his parents are more focused on academics and what my nephew voices, then how much an encounter with God would change his life.

Sometimes, I get so discouraged, but then I think of my own conversion story.  I left the church and eventually was led back.  Maybe the same can happen to him, so while my actions are being met to deaf ears, my prayers will have to do.  Just like my mother prayed for me to find my way to God, I too must rely on that- even when I am so inclined to action.       

Covid and Agoraphobia

I don’t know about you, but trying to live life with a sense of normalcy has been such a challenge after such a long period of quarantine.  Sometimes I feel quite agoraphobic because I have difficulty motivating myself to do things outside my home.  While in-person Mass has been reinstated my normal Bible study groups still for the most part have either continue meeting virtually or not at all.  Though there are some benefits to meeting virtually, I miss the side conversations that I use to have with members from my Franciscan fraternity.  I miss my Monday night weekly study, luckily the Rise women’s monthly meetings have started to be back in person and they truly are food for my soul.  My Master Catechesis Certificate program has also been on hold…

Yet, as things start opening back up, I have difficulty getting myself motivated enough to leave my house.  Sometimes, it’s a couple months before I hit the dog park because I struggle with leaving my house.  I still haven’t gotten my visiting the Blessed Sacrament routine down because I get home from work and I am so accustomed to my home environment being “it” that leaving it again is sometimes quite impossible.  Through my Facebook page I see friends going out and enjoying integrating back into society, it looks like so much fun, but come the weekend and all I want to do is be home.

I have started to do things outside my house a little more, but I struggle with my mind still being trapped in quarantine mentality.  I have shared this with other friends and it seems like it’s normal to feel unmotivated to leave the house because for over a year that was all we were able to do.  I’m hoping that soon I can start making plans to travel and continue challenging myself to get back integrated into society overcoming my new anxiety.

Mexican-American

I purposely wear Mexican ethnic clothes to work to show the students the beauty of our culture.  I know that many, during the difficult high school years, tend to shun away speaking the language or having any semblance of pride in their roots- so what I hope is to show the kids that being who you are is ok.  After wearing a woven tunic that I recently purchased in Mexico, a student came the following week wearing a sarape sack.  She pridefully showed it to me and said, “Look, Ms. Penny do you like my new bag?  I got it over the weekend.” This prompted a discussion on the beauty of ethnic fashion.  I told her how Frida Kahlo loved wearing cultural outfits because her husband Diego Rivera had a weakness for that style.

I was sharing this story with a group of my closest Mexican friends and they told me quite frankly that ethnic clothes do not make me Mexican and in fact that they have never seen me as Mexican, but mostly like someone who has blended into the American culture.  This was a bit of a slap in the face because I was born in Mexico and I thought that was enough to identify me as Mexican, but because I left as a child and have lived most of my life here- my Mexican friends think I have lost my Mexicaness.  When speaking to American friends they of course see me as Mexican, thus I am back where I have always been: too Mexican to be American and too American to be Mexican.  Luckily, I still don’t identify as Latinx or else they would be right (smile) and I would definitely no longer be Mexican.

They even brought up my citizenship- I told them I had dual citizenship, but even so they think the American citizenship outweighs my Mexican nationality.  In wearing typical clothes my aim is not to claim Mexicaness, my desire is simply to spotlight the beauty of my roots and in doing so giving others the space to find pride in their own roots.  For me, my cultural identity has given me the greatest joy.  It sucks that I am at the age that I am and I am still hearing the same arguments that used to make my skin boil.  However, in the end I think I need to start embracing my chameleon skin, one that is a blend of Mexican and American and though my weakness is to the place I was born – I do love the country that has allowed me to fly and make my dreams beautiful realities, but just to please people I guess I need to start answering the identity question as, “I, Penny am Mexican-American” because I don’t fly solo anymore according to the mainstream friends (LOL).