Changing Our Hearts Through Prayer

Yesterday, I realized that I have been looking at prayer in quite an erroneous way and that’s why when it comes to petition, I have been so skeptical these past years.  All this time I thought that when I prayed for something that I want and think that I truly need I was doing so to change God’s mind, to get Him to submit to doing what I wanted of Him.  Yet, God is perfect He doesn’t change.  In yesterday’s readings we are encouraged to pray, to ask and to hope knowing that God will provide.  It’s easy to take these scripture readings as asking God to change His will for our lives and becoming disillusioned when things do not change the way we hoped.  However, prayer is about changing our hearts, about making us closer reflections of Christ.  For the longest time, I have prayed only to be disillusioned and disappointed when those prayers didn't turn as I hoped. Now I know that when I pray and ask God for something, even if the answer is no the prayer process works to change my heart to mold me into a better reflection of Christ. 

Father shared how he went to a healing mass and though he witnessed several miraculous healings, he returned home still sick, “sometimes people say that if your faith is strong enough you will receive what you desire in prayer, but that’s not the case.  God is mysterious and though he heals some – at other times He permits suffering because it glorifies Him.”  Thus, when I ask in prayer, I shouldn’t feel like the the strength of my faith will produce the outcome that I want nor that I can change God through my constant petitions.  I need to look at prayer as putting my needs before the Lord and trusting that He will provide whether He says “yes,” “no” or “not yet” - because prayer doesn't change God, it doesn't change things or circumstances it changes us and that change changes our world.  Real prayer is about changing ourselves first and foremost and this personal change affects our world positively. 

I constantly whisper, “God, help my unbelief,” because I thought that receiving the results that I wanted was a matter of how strong my faith is.  This way of thinking many times led me to feel like a failure because if I didn’t get the yes, I wanted in prayer I thought it was because my faith was not strong enough.  When my brother died, a Christian woman came up to me and said, “If you would have prayed harder, he wouldn’t have died.”  That was my first introduction to prayer- results in prayer depended on the strength of my faith.  Yet, the object of prayer is to bring us closer to God to remind us that we need Him more than He does us and sometimes though things we want go unchanging – prayer will change our hearts and we will see that whatever is being permitted in our lives serves a greater purpose.  A purpose that will bring us closer to heaven, one that doesn't convince God to give us what we want, but to align us with His will (WOW).

Finding Peace

Place Christian girls in a room and they will lose track of time talking, sharing and just being supportive.  Last night, I attended my monthly Gianna Club meeting, we were closing our book study on silence and between the laughter and serious sharing I realized how crucial it is to have like-minded people gather and inspire one-another.  Lately, I have been feeling pretty spiritually dry (I think you probably have noticed from my previous posts) I have avoided silence or time spent with God because I have given too much importance to other things- in doing so, I have neglected my spiritual life.  I keep looking at the past, instead of living in the present and forming new experiences with God.  In other words, He’s become so familiar that I lost some of my reverence, I have taken Him for granted…

I started going to morning Mass, intending on going daily.  Every morning I would show up and say, “Lord, I am here even though I don’t want to be here.”  During the service I had trouble concentrating, I was restless just wanting for it to end.  Though physically I was present – the rest of me never made it to Mass.  These past few months that’s how I have felt in matters of faith and though I have placed an importance on study, I realized that my prayer life has suffered.  There’s this disconnection- now I am a person that knows the faith, a cerebral Catholic that knows the answers, but lacks spirituality.  Last night I finally realized that a relationship (no matter with who and especially with God) must be nurtured – in a way it’s a living organism that must be fed.  Learning about God is great, but if I don’t spend time with Him then I will just be someone who knows of God and not someone who knows Him.

Many of the saints lived their lives like a twenty-four-hour prayer- in constant communion with God.  They understood that the best place for the lover is in the presence of the beloved.  This morning I went into my backyard with a cup of coffee and just listened to it rain, I marveled at the perfection of nature and of He who created this magnificent world.  I took the time to admire all His beauty and thanked Him for giving me so much, and asked for forgiveness for not living appreciating all that I have – and I do have so much!  It was my first time in awhile choosing God instead of the things that have been occupying my time and am not sure if it was last night’s fellowship or just consciously trying to be with my Creator – but this early morning I experienced a peace that I have been lacking and I realized that I have known all along how to get and keep that rest and that is in seeking and finding Him.  "...Seek me and  find me..." (smile).

Back to Normal

Currently my days are filled training my new pup, I have noticed that when he gets scared, he storms off like a bullet to find safe refuge.  Only after he has assessed the situation and concluded that things are safe will he return to wagging his tail.  Sometimes, I have to coax him into understanding that all is well.  This innate reaction to seek a safe haven is built in all of us.  I know that when I get overwhelmed or just need time to think before I act – I retrieve to think of my options or just to let my feelings settle so that I can see the truth. 

I think that because lately I have been so focused on getting my needs met, I have been a bit self-centered thinking only of myself and have neglected others.  As I was beginning to get depressed, the words of a wise priest came to my mind, “sometimes depression is fueled by our thoughts constantly thinking of our problems instead of seeing how we can be a blessing to others.”  I had to be reminded that life happens even when we don’t have everything we want and part of maturing in the faith is being calm during the storm.  First, thanks for letting me vent these last few posts- I have a tendency to voice my thoughts as they are happening, it helps me to just release the negative to clear space for the good to come.

I am here, the same me with the same feelings and dreams- some things have temporarily changed, but nothing that wont soon be mended.  While I have allowed myself to retreat, to run for cover seeing things in the proper scope have made me realize that I have been overwhelmed instead of trusting that God will handle those things out of my control.  I have also been reminded that when I focus too much on myself, I miss the opportunity to be a blessing to others.  And when we open ourselves to the service of others, we see that things aren’t as bad as we thought because there is always someone facing a bigger struggle.  Service helps not only the recipients of our charity, but it also allows us to see that no matter the state we find ourselves we can always help another.  Jesus really tapped into something huge, when he said he came to serve and for us to imitate him.  Service allows us to see the truth and removes us from self-centeredness to put us in our place.  After sometime in silence, God set me free again reminding me of message I receive years ago, a message to step away from me and help another.  To be aware that others are in more dire need than me and that I can always be a helping hand that shows them the love of God. 

Silence can help us hear the voice of God reassuring us that no matter the circumstance He is with us and since He is charge, we can serve another holding steadfast to our Lord.  Thanks for letting me vent these past few posts, I will try to be a better friend (smile).

Life Unexpected

I like watching some reality TV shows, most recently “Hoarders Buried Alive.”  Most of the hoarding can be attributed to trauma, death of a loved one or having lived in poverty growing up.  I find it so interesting how people deal with life.  When I was growing up, I always wondered how people just gave up.  I worked at Big Lot’s during college and my boss was severely overweight.  She once shared that she wasn’t always big, that in fact she used to be quite active and relatively small- but that her troubled marriage pushed her to find comfort in food.  I was just out of high school and I judged my boss poorly, judging how she allowed herself to get so big instead of addressing the issues in her marriage.  Each episode on Hoarders has people that medicate through accumulating stuff.  It’s so interesting to witness each person’s story, to learn how trauma in their lives led them to find comfort in obsessive behavior. 

While I am not a hoarder, I do see in my life how I also have addressed situations in my life with unhealthy behavior.  After my brother died and after having a mental break-down I lost a lot of my discipline.  Before I used to have so many goals and the will power to follow through.  Yet, after going through the most difficult experiences of my life – my point-of-view changed to just plain survival.  My priorities changed from accomplishment and career success to spending more time with my loved ones because I was terrified of not enjoying them while I had them.  It’s also been about stuffing myself with food when I feel anxiety instead of finding healthier ways to deal with it.  I try to not always give in to the fatigue related with bipolar, but these past years I have led quite a sedimentary life.

Initially when I had my break-down I was reading about mental health and I remember that statistically it takes years to recover from both a loss and a mental breakdown.  I didn’t want to believe it, but now I see that healing takes time.  Though we weren’t placed on earth to be successful – it’s hard to think of all the schooling that I had and to find myself in the situation I am in.  It’s hard to accept that situations out of my control have had such a drastic effect in my life, but just as the many people getting help on the hoarders show – I see that it’s never too late to make small changes to get back on track.  When I had my mental breakdown, I used to ask God why instead he didn’t take one of my legs or arms- something physical instead of my mental pain.  People can see physical injuries and be more accepting than with pains that are invisible to the eye.  Yet, this is my cross – the situation that can bring me closer to God if I allow it- my sanctification process.  On Saturday, my friend who has a mental disability was in town and I got to spend a few hours with him.  It’s always so nice to talk with him because we both struggle with our minds getting out of control sometimes, but we both try to live as normal lives as we can.  It was nice talking to someone about the job hunt and how the anxiety multiplies for people with mental disabilities.  He gave me some coping mechanisms- but I think the greatest form of encouragement is just knowing that I am not alone nor the only one that has added challenges.  Life can be cruel at times because it throws things into our lives that practically destroy us, leaving us trying to just plain survive; but our faith teaches us that all is not lost.  That suffering can be used to bring us closer to God and in the end that is the goal (smile).            

The Power of Gregorian Chant

A friend of mine was in town and wanted to visit San Juan Capistrano Mission.  No matter how many times I have been to this beautiful site, I always learn so much from walking the grounds.  We got to the chapel as the priests were praying beautifully in Gregorian Chant and my heart filled with the musical prayers.  The first time I heard Gregorian Chant was at my first retreat with an Old Catholic Church that I was attending and the sounds of old- did wonders in terms of healing and giving me an encounter with God.  The chanting took me back in time, back to the time Jesus walked the earth; but it also gave me a vision of what was to come.  I remember I wanted to know if my brother was in a good place, after committing suicide and I asked God with such strength to give me a sign that my brother was at peace.  And the Gregorian chant took me to a garden where I was embraced, sandwiched in between Jesus and my brother in a tight embrace.  This vision into the future gave me so much peace and something to look forward to.

Gregorian Chant carries so much power that every time I hear it, my heart immediately finds peace. Thus, arriving at the chapel as the father’s prayed was truly a blessing because no matter how many tourist toured the grounds for a moment I was lifted into the heart of God.  Since, I had been reading about the life of Saint Junipero Serra and his strong faith in leaving his familiar realm to evangelize the New World, I too craved for holiness and being surrounded by such heavenly sounds made this desire ever more possible.  I also like going to the Abbey where Gregorian Chant is prayed along with the Liturgy of the Hours by the extremely talented monks.  While the music is so lovely to hear, it has a power to quiet the mind to enter immediately into communion with God.

I had been carrying a few burdens and when I got to the chapel- I lit a candle for my intentions.  It’s still surprising how quickly God acts when I present my needs to Him.  I have also found that when one searches for Him, when one goes to be in His company – God is always found waiting for me.  Though I went on this morning retreat for my friend to site see, God used my time at the mission to strengthen me.  As I toured the mission so many witnesses of hope came to view that I knew that no matter my current challenges I have a God that is not frightened by the what appears impossible to me.  My time at the mission listening to the chanting, testimonies of faith, history of the mission or simply the sparrows singing filled me up.  It’s so important to recharge our batteries and going away to pray – even if it’s just for a few hours truly works miracles.

Growing Pains

I have been training my new pup and the biggest factor in getting successful results is establishing a routine.  It’s been difficult adjusting my life to include potty breaks, regular meals, training sessions, etc.  But after a few days of trying I have managed to stick to the new schedule and I am seeing great results in Francis.  Since I lost my job, it's been difficult establishing a routine since now my days are a bit unpredictable with the new activities that I have going on.  If I am not searching or applying for a job, working on my eBay store, going on interviews, restoring handbags I am found training my pup.  Sometimes I look at the clock and I can’t believe how fast time goes by.  Things change, no matter how much we want them to stay the same.  These changes challenge us to grow to continue maturing in every sense of the way; and we can either get stuck refusing to change or adapt- now I know why they call them growing pains. It’s uncomfortable to change because it means letting go of how things were in order to be open to receive the new gifts.

Francis is such a beautiful, playful boy; but, he’s not Dollar.  Yet, I can get stuck in wanting my canine in heaven or accept this new creature God has given me.  A wise teacher once told me that most people spend a lot of time wishing they could have what they lost instead of seeing what they still have: “people spend their days mourning over a loss of a loved one, instead of being thankful for those they still have in their lives.”  If I could live in the present thanking God for those I have and not lamenting over those I have lost – I would have a more thankful spirit.  Same in terms of things that I had and no longer do.  I lost my job, and much of the routine that went with it- but if I look at things in a positive light that just means that I have a blank canvas to continue writing my story.  Lament less, be thankful more.

A lot here has changed and I think that in dealing with all the change I have ignored some friendships and some hobbies.  Yet, the thing about friendship is that it understands that stuff happens and these changes are only opportunities to grow.  If a river remained stagnant it would smell and rot, but if it has a current though it changes it remains a healthy body of water.  Change sucks because it challenges us to grow, to move from the place we find ourselves to the unknown; but it also refreshes and excites the soul.  Everything changes, but just because it does it doesn’t mean that it’s for the worse; sometimes it comes with the opportunity to fortify our friendships.

When I Feel the Most Abandoned

I know that I have been a little negligent of my blog- I’ve had so many things on my mind because my family has been going through some trials.  Things that I cannot divulge without violating their right to confidentiality, but it seems like we are pulling through.  During this time, I have leaned on Saint Therese of Lisieux because she suffered quietly and gladly offering it all to God.  I have also asked for help, something that doesn’t come natural to me.  Yet, sometimes an outside voice can be heard when mine doesn’t resonate.  This has been the case in helping my brother.  I reached to our Jovenes Para Cristo community and they have helped him in ways that my family wasn’t able to.  Through this I have learned the importance of community in our faith journey, our brothers and sisters really do encourage our walk with the Lord- they can help us get back in the path when we’ve gone astray.  I couldn’t believe how quickly my community rose to the challenge of helping us, how gladly they offered to pray and to reach out.  This experience made it evident to me that when God said our faith is communal, He meant it as a gift to us.  For where two or more gather in His name miracles will occur!

I have also been experiencing some interior battles mainly dealing with disappointment.  Saint Therese wanted to travel to go on missions throughout the world sharing her faith with others, that was her great dream.  Due to health reasons she was confined to her bed and never left her native France, nevertheless instead of complaining or feeling defeated from her sick bed she prayed fervently for missionaries.  Her dream never came to fruition, but she turned her disappointment into prayer and sacrifice.  I have applied to several schools and had unsuccessful interviews – I have felt like a failure like I might never make it to teaching again- I have felt my dream been hit like a pinata from all angles.  Though I am doing very well financially with my eBay business, I feel incomplete without a normal job.  Though I am running an eBay store on a full-time basis the fact that it’s not your typical nine to five makes me wonder what people will say.  I wonder if people think that because I am unemployed, I am this lazy person that sits and vegetates on the couch all day.  Yet, I am earning the same amount that I was making when I was previously employed on my sales.  I think that I focus so much on what others will think of me that I don’t allow this disappointment to turn into a prayer of sacrifice.

Sometimes, I forget that not having rosy feelings all the time is ok, again I am afraid that people will question my faith based on the fact that I am not experiencing consolation.  Yet, many of the saints went through periods of dryness of not feeling God’s presence.  Saint Therese did not experiencing ecstasy during prayer, nevertheless she pressed on.  She didn’t allow the difficulty in prayer stop her from praying, in fact, she said:

“often when I cry to heaven for help it is when I feel the most abandoned.  But then I turn to God and His saints and thank them nevertheless.”     

Whether she felt immediate consolation or not Therese didn’t allow her feelings to cloud the truth.  At times I can throw the towel and think this is all meaningless, I try and try and get nowhere- I can surrender to my feelings of defeat, but when I am about to pull my white flag, God comes through to show me that all is not lost.  That though it’s ok to not always have rosy feelings as Christians we stand on the truth not emotions.  That when I cannot find immediate consolation, I must persist even if it seems like I get a little out of it. 

About a Dog: Meet Francis

My life has changed with the addition of one very cute pup.  Meet Francis, named after my favorite saint, Saint Francis of Assisi.  When I came back to the Catholic Church, I didn’t understand saints, I felt like they took the glory away from God and though I was explained various times that they are friends who intercede for us, I still wasn’t sold by the idea.  Then one day I discovered Saint Francis and our shared loved for animals and nature; thus, began a slow introduction into the lives of the saints.  The more I learn about Saint Francis and his Franciscan spirituality the more that I see the importance of the lives of the saints.  You see, in learning their personal testimony through their example we are led to Christ in a very personal way.  Recently I have become enamored by the writing of the saints, their words are so encouraging – they are like pieces of poetic prose that (to a word loving nerd like myself) just penetrate my soul.  Saint Francis has taught me that in following God, there's room for me to still have my own identity- something that I was terrified of losing...  

Back to Francis the pup, since this is his introduction, I just like to say that he in no way is filling the Dollar shaped void that my little canine in heaven left- but Francis sure is carving his own space in my heart.  My friends asked for the story on how Francis and I came together and while it’s not as interesting as my first encounter with Dollar (click here to read that story) it’s still the story of us.  I had been looking for a pup for a few weeks now, but I kept searching for Dollar in the animal shelter sites. I wanted a thirty-five-pound terrier just like Dollar- who I thought was the perfect size for me.  Then last week a friend from Saint Barbara Parish posted on Facebook that she was giving away five pups from a litter born to her dog.  I asked her if she had a male and how big they grew and before I knew it, I was driving home with my new six-week-old Shih Tzu covered in his sibling’s feces.  I got home gave him a bath, baptized him as Francis and we have begun puppy training.

After his first veterinarian visit and first round of vaccinations – I was given two thumbs up in terms of my pup’s health.  Francis is a sweet, curious boy experiencing the big world for the first time.  He loves the outdoors, following moving feet, zig-zagging through my dad’s plants, and sleeping on my head.  Currently he is a little over two-pounds- but will grow to seventeen or twenty pounds when full grown.  He’s teething so he loves chewing on things and putting everything in his mouth.  For this breed nipping can be a problem so am trying to train him to chew only his toys and not everything that he encounters.  He seems to love to bite toes a habit I am trying to break.  Though there are puppy schools, I want to train Francis myself since I did train Dollar, and he was such a good behaved dog.  Francis can’t go out until he’s about four months old, so for the time being he is bonding with his new pack.  I can’t wait to get him blessed this week and to continue making memories together for a long time to come.