I think I have become a bit of a cynic because I have a very
low tolerance for the popular topic on Christian blogs about enjoying your
singleness. When I was in my twenties
those articles gave me hope, but after reading some version of them for the
past ten years I am beginning to detest their cheerful, glass-half-full
messages because being single is not awesome all the time. What I am about to say might shock you, but I
am a sensual being I have hormones that tell me I need intimacy. Yes, I am a
person who lives a chaste life, but I have sexual urges, urges I have to fight
because I want to live a holy life.
Fighting those urges is hard, especially in a world where I am
constantly bombarded with messages to “just do it.” I was listening to the radio the other day, a
Spanish station, and the host was talking about how these days men want women
with experience – I was shocked to hear that even though that’s a common
secular thought. Virginity is not
popular, it’s a theme of many jokes – today virginity is under attack making
people like me feel shame as the years pass by and my sexual status doesn’t
change.
Then there’s the matter of children. Single women, especially have this fear that
men sometimes don’t like to hear about or get especially uncomfortable, the
dreaded biological clock. When I was in my
twenties reading those cheerful articles about enjoying my single life I had no
thoughts about my fertility because I was young- but as I get older and continue
to have this desire to be a mom I feel the pressure of the fertile years
passing me by.
These challenges make being a Catholic, single woman in
her thirties difficult and I think that as a woman I have needed to hear that
it’s ok to have these desires and to not always feel rosy about my status in
life. This week I began reading a book
that was written in the fifties about femininity and the wisdom in The
Eternal Woman the Timeless Meaning of the Feminine, by Gertrud Von le Fort, has reassured me that what I am feeling is natural. Von le Fort talks openly about the great desire
single people have towards sexual intimacy, the attacks on virginity in modern
times and our longing for children. She
reaffirms that the single vocation is difficult and she speaks of it as a type
of martyrdom. That Catholics want to
live chaste lives believing that virginity is sacred and that sometimes our
fertile years pass us by- is a way of suffering - carrying our cross. My single vocation has at times felt like a
martyrdom some days more than others and to have this Catholic woman validate
those feelings made me so happy. It’s
hard saying no to my carnal feelings, it’s hard to grow older in a culture that
no longer values virginity and shames people who are so, and it’s hard having
time sensitive fertility; but, “…Purity always includes a depth of pain, (it) denotes the sacrifice that is the price for insight into the immortal value of
a person. This explains why the liturgy
always places the virgin beside the martyr, who bears witness to the absolute value
of the soul.” Self-denial in the single
vocation is difficult and not talking about it is toxic. I am not saying that being single sucks - just
that it’s challenging sometimes and knowing that I am not alone in my suffering
is like having a good session of group therapy, where I receive validation
that I am not alone and encouragement to continue striving for a holy life. Totally recommend this book.
No comments:
Post a Comment