Goodbye 2014 Glooms

As I end this year, based on the content of my end of years posts one might conclude that I am having a challenging year closure- a typical rollercoaster expected from a bipolar sufferer.  Its true- these past few weeks emotionally have been difficult, but regardless of the bumps and dryness that I have felt spiritually I still believe and remain firm in the promises and truth of our Heavenly Father.  I shared with you that I had a really dark day post-Christmas… I am not proud of my inability to stop the darkness nor of allowing my doubts to consume me, but what remains is that time and again when I fall into a dark abyss and when I cry with a sincere, crushed spirit He always comes to my rescue…. I have been reading The Screwtape Letters a fictitious piece written from the perspective of a senior demon who is trying to help his nephew attain the soul of a man.  The novel takes a humorous - quite clever look into the powers of darkness and the spiritual battle that takes place on earth between God and fallen angels. Humans are the prize- demons want to feast on us while God wants to save us.  One chapter deals with demons exploiting emotions or using a person’s feelings to entrap and make him fall.  Screwtape goes on to share with his nephew how people usually go through emotional peaks and troughs and how these seasons of emotional instability are opportunities for the enemy to earn ground.  But what really struck me was that this fictitious demon reveals (something really important) that people who “become much less dependent on emotion are much harder to tempt!” Let me repeat, people who “become much less dependent on emotion are much harder to tempt!”

When I returned to the Catholic Church I sat with many priests and talked about my doubts and questions I had about my faith.  One of the most memorable conversations occurred with a young priest (I cannot recall his name), I had just had my mental breakdown and I was telling him how I was battling with severe depression and just getting out of bed required so much energy.  I told him how emotionally depleted I was and how I no longer felt God in my life.  I talked a great deal about my emotions and how unstable they were. And he said a few things that I have since carried with me.

One: Emotions lie- and the truth of God whether we feel it or not is still truth.  He loves us and He is listening… Many of the saints went through long periods of dryness when their emotions betrayed them- yet they held on tightly to God. Biblically we have Job.  He was tested more than any other person, yet through the many challenges that he faced God was with him, and God rewarded Job’s fidelity.  Challenges are times that are easier for the enemy to defeat us, but they are also moments that God utilizes to fortify our faith.  I know that I always come stronger, more dependent and trusting in the Lord after a difficult valley.

Two: Start small.  When I am in a rut I make small daily goals: go to work, take a shower, walk my dog…  Having a mental list of things to accomplish on low energy days and mentally crossing them off gives me a sense of success.   

Three: Help other people.  Depression makes us self-centered.  We focus on our problems, weaknesses, disabilities, heartaches… and slowly we begin to feel really small and insignificant.  Yet, when we focus on others and help them out it builds our self-esteem and gives us a sense of connection and value.  Helping others doesn’t necessarily mean a volunteer position- sometimes there is so much need within our family and circle of friends.  On Sunday, I spent the whole day helping out my family.  My dad had been bugging me about going tile shopping for the house and on Sunday I spent a good chunk of my morning with him looking at various porcelain patterns.  I made him happy just spending the day doing something he had been wanting to do and in turn I felt good.  

  

This year, I have heard a few non-Christian friends share that Christmas is overrated because this time of year was unemotionally rewarding.  Their problems, duties and responsibilities didn’t go away during December in fact some negative incidents occurred.  Emotionally I agreed, though I made every effort to be cheerful and at peace a grey cloud accompanied me… Yet, Christmas is not about good cheer, just as it’s not about presents- it’s about something much bigger!  CHRIST!  Love is born.  Hope is born.  Our Savior ARRIVED, He is HERE- whether we feel it or not- God is among us (SMILE)…  As I reflect on these past challenging months I only have three resolutions for 2015: 

1. To believe in God with all of my heart, with all of my soul and with all of my strength.
2. To work on being less emotionally dependent. 
3. Three, to increase my faith in the power of prayer.  

Am not sure if this post is too heavy for the usual celebratory essence of the end of the year, if it is I will follow it with a happy video by a group that always cheers me up….         

Thanks for reading and Happy New Year!