Goodbye 2014 Glooms

As I end this year, based on the content of my end of years posts one might conclude that I am having a challenging year closure- a typical rollercoaster expected from a bipolar sufferer.  Its true- these past few weeks emotionally have been difficult, but regardless of the bumps and dryness that I have felt spiritually I still believe and remain firm in the promises and truth of our Heavenly Father.  I shared with you that I had a really dark day post-Christmas… I am not proud of my inability to stop the darkness nor of allowing my doubts to consume me, but what remains is that time and again when I fall into a dark abyss and when I cry with a sincere, crushed spirit He always comes to my rescue…. I have been reading The Screwtape Letters a fictitious piece written from the perspective of a senior demon who is trying to help his nephew attain the soul of a man.  The novel takes a humorous - quite clever look into the powers of darkness and the spiritual battle that takes place on earth between God and fallen angels. Humans are the prize- demons want to feast on us while God wants to save us.  One chapter deals with demons exploiting emotions or using a person’s feelings to entrap and make him fall.  Screwtape goes on to share with his nephew how people usually go through emotional peaks and troughs and how these seasons of emotional instability are opportunities for the enemy to earn ground.  But what really struck me was that this fictitious demon reveals (something really important) that people who “become much less dependent on emotion are much harder to tempt!” Let me repeat, people who “become much less dependent on emotion are much harder to tempt!”

When I returned to the Catholic Church I sat with many priests and talked about my doubts and questions I had about my faith.  One of the most memorable conversations occurred with a young priest (I cannot recall his name), I had just had my mental breakdown and I was telling him how I was battling with severe depression and just getting out of bed required so much energy.  I told him how emotionally depleted I was and how I no longer felt God in my life.  I talked a great deal about my emotions and how unstable they were. And he said a few things that I have since carried with me.

One: Emotions lie- and the truth of God whether we feel it or not is still truth.  He loves us and He is listening… Many of the saints went through long periods of dryness when their emotions betrayed them- yet they held on tightly to God. Biblically we have Job.  He was tested more than any other person, yet through the many challenges that he faced God was with him, and God rewarded Job’s fidelity.  Challenges are times that are easier for the enemy to defeat us, but they are also moments that God utilizes to fortify our faith.  I know that I always come stronger, more dependent and trusting in the Lord after a difficult valley.

Two: Start small.  When I am in a rut I make small daily goals: go to work, take a shower, walk my dog…  Having a mental list of things to accomplish on low energy days and mentally crossing them off gives me a sense of success.   

Three: Help other people.  Depression makes us self-centered.  We focus on our problems, weaknesses, disabilities, heartaches… and slowly we begin to feel really small and insignificant.  Yet, when we focus on others and help them out it builds our self-esteem and gives us a sense of connection and value.  Helping others doesn’t necessarily mean a volunteer position- sometimes there is so much need within our family and circle of friends.  On Sunday, I spent the whole day helping out my family.  My dad had been bugging me about going tile shopping for the house and on Sunday I spent a good chunk of my morning with him looking at various porcelain patterns.  I made him happy just spending the day doing something he had been wanting to do and in turn I felt good.  

  

This year, I have heard a few non-Christian friends share that Christmas is overrated because this time of year was unemotionally rewarding.  Their problems, duties and responsibilities didn’t go away during December in fact some negative incidents occurred.  Emotionally I agreed, though I made every effort to be cheerful and at peace a grey cloud accompanied me… Yet, Christmas is not about good cheer, just as it’s not about presents- it’s about something much bigger!  CHRIST!  Love is born.  Hope is born.  Our Savior ARRIVED, He is HERE- whether we feel it or not- God is among us (SMILE)…  As I reflect on these past challenging months I only have three resolutions for 2015: 

1. To believe in God with all of my heart, with all of my soul and with all of my strength.
2. To work on being less emotionally dependent. 
3. Three, to increase my faith in the power of prayer.  

Am not sure if this post is too heavy for the usual celebratory essence of the end of the year, if it is I will follow it with a happy video by a group that always cheers me up….         

Thanks for reading and Happy New Year!

Dating Someone With Bipolar Disorder

In my mid-twenties, I heard voices and saw encrypted messages in writing… It happened soon after the death of my brother and the end of my first romantic relationship.  For a time I thought that I was Schizophrenic, later I found out that it was a side effect of two medications that shouldn’t have been prescribed together combined with the trauma of my loss.  After the voices left, for quite a long period of time, I needed my loved ones to help me distinguish between reality and the fictitious thoughts my mind was still processing.  It took over a year to regain my sanity and to no longer require the aid of my family to discern between reality and my illness.  The voices in my head told me that they were the trinity- so I had the three persons of God giving me messages.  Each person had its own personality: one was mean, one condemning and the other was judgmental, but a little kinder.  When I realized that the voices I was hearing were a product of my disorder- I asked God to never speak to me through voices in my head.  He has kept His promise.  The above illustrates challenges we bipolar people have... Since us bipolar survivors have that sensitivity to misread and misinterpret behaviors and messages it’s a bit more difficult for us to read signs coming from the opposite sex.  Thus, if you find yourself attracted and want to begin a relationship with someone with a mental disability I think it’s important for you to understand how the disorder affects each person.  The following are examples of what I have found helpful.

Be clear.  Don’t send encrypted messages, tell her how you feel honestly and plainly.  It’s harder for us to read signs because we are so sensitive to the data our brain processes.

Be patient.   We are emotional beings and seasons, aromas, hormones- changes- affect us differently.  We have more high and lows than the average person, but for the most part with treatment and God we try to be positive and constant.

Educate yourself about the illness.  Just like you would study her likes and dislikes learn a little more about how the disorder affects people and her in particular.

Accept her when she’s down like when she’s happy.  I noticed that for the most part of the month I am a pretty static, positive person; but, around my womanly days I tend to get either irritable or depressed and my sleeping patterns fluctuate.  It’s also during those times that I feel more manic or depressive depending on the month.  And socializing is more difficult.

Understand that we need sleep, rest and consistency. Sleep helps our brain stay balanced and calms our thoughts.  During depressive moods we usually need more rest- sometimes even naps during the day help with the added fatigue.  Thus, letting us rest and accepting our lower activity times is crucial.  We are not being lazy our bodies just demand rest.

Know that routine makes us thrive.  Having somewhat of a routine makes us content.  I enjoy knowing what I am going to do each day, having a schedule makes me more likely to accomplish things than to wake-up without a plan of the day.

Never lose hope in her.  Though sometimes she might go as dark as the night for a day- the sun will come out tomorrow.  I know that my faith is teaching me to be less motivated by my emotions and to act on truth.  I am now less likely to allow myself to go into a long deep depression.  Now I fight it, with God and usually my low periods are short and scarce.

A friend told me to keep my disorder private for I would scare men away with the revelation, but if there is one thing I try to be is honest.  I have bipolar- yet that is only a miniscule characteristic of who I am, above all I am a daughter of the highest King and He is constantly supplying me with tools to overcome my weaknesses.  Besides secrets usually hold too much power and unveiling these struggles not only help reduce the power they hold over me, but hopefully help others who are  battling with similar issues.  

Don't Forget What You've Learned in the Light

Sometimes when my thoughts become so intolerable I grab the keys to my car and drive off without a destination, music blaring in hopes of drowning the obsessive thoughts…  On Friday night, I was overcome with despair and into the dark night I drove taking the Pacific Coast Highway into the Hills of Newport Beach.  At times there were no street lights and it seemed like I was literally being engulfed by darkness.  When I was an agnostic- I used to imagine death as this dark, permanent, peaceful slumber.  As I drove on Friday for a moment I wished that the darkness would kiss me with his everlasting sleep and that I would never wake up again.  Suffocating pain, hopelessness and anger all suppressed my usual cheerful self…  I don’t get these dark spells often anymore, in fact I can’t remember the last time my thoughts overpowered me; but, on Friday they did and I sinned giving into the darkness and forgetting the promises of God.  After the tears and anger subsided I felt empty, unsure about my faith, my doubts intensified.  Just the previous night I had participated in a beautiful midnight service in honor of Jesus’ birth and twenty-four hours later the peace and hope had been replaced with shadows and gloom.  My being was going through a spiritual battle just one day after the joyful birth of Jesus in my heart!    

Christmastime is a time of hope- but when one’s hope is in the wrong places the results can be devastating…  My sister had an argument with her husband over gifts, my brother-in-law had a disagreement with his dad over his dad’s lack of support and insensitivity, my nephew was crying frustrated because the toy I got him was too difficult for him to put together, and I was sad over some personal, trivial issue.  It took a day for the light of Jesus’ birth to be extinguished with worries and disagreements.  As I thought about it, I knew that we weren't the only ones waking on the twenty-sixth with issues regarding material gifts, weak family dynamics, heart woes or faith troubles…  Focus on God – seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you- the bible tells us.  But… What does it mean to focus on God?  How can one focus on an invisible God?  Am not sure, but I know too well how to take my focus away from Him… I take my focus away from God when I concentrate on my pain, on my heartache, on my suffering and THEN my problems become bigger, my heartaches too heavy, and my suffering too much to withstand.

Letter from Mother Teresa

On Saturday, morning I woke up still melancholic, but something in me refused to continue empowering the misery.  I looked at my book shelve and my eyes rested on a book that I had not read on spiritual warfare and I began reading it.  Though the book wasn’t that helpful- I realized that I need to talk with God, ask for forgiveness and to hope even if I didn’t feel like it.  I went to reconciliation- then I headed to a place I love to pray at for an hour retreat and then went to watch a cheerful Christmas play.  

The Trinity Broadcasting Network in Costa Mesa is this beautiful location lit up year round- and I love going there to just be reminded about God’s greatness and how one man changed the world in a way no other has.  The thousands of lights that adorn the location gives me immediate joy, which as I write this post I find it quite humorous that the night before I was driving in darkness and the following night I was surrounded by light (SMILE).  The broadcasting center is very luxurious and all the beauty and art is dedicated to Jesus – which I find extremely meaningful!  Anyway- I am still in this journey and I think it’s important to share that I am weak, I fall a lot, but God always helps me up.  I believe that my doubts will continue to be a source of my spiritual struggle- but what I have learned is that God will never give up on me and I NEED to never give up on Him either.  Hope you had a Merry Christmas and that God's spirit is still lit in your hearts - bright and beautiful.  

Jesus Had a Little Lamb

I love nativity scenes- in fact I have a collection of about six that I place around the house so that during the Christmas season any direction one faces one is found with a smiling baby Jesus.  Sometimes when my dog sits next me he likes to place his cute, little head on my lap.  When I contemplate the nativity I usually visualize myself as a little lamb making my way so close to Jesus that I am not satisfied until I rest my head on the trough.  Love just wants to be near the beloved.  Normally the manger scene is beautiful – the people and animals that surround the babe are a good distance away – or a socially polite distance away- but I think that if God had given me the blessing to be the little lamb I visualize being I wouldn’t be satisfied unless I was so near I could touch Him (smile).  I might even dare to give Him a good sheep lick kiss! 

Last night I began reading a book that examines Psalm Twenty- Three and the role between the shepherd and his sheep.  It’s written by a famer who was a real shepherd with his own flock of sheep.  He uses his experience shepherding to clarify the roles of sheep in relation to their shepherd. The author takes each line of the psalm and clarifies, explains and deepens on the message David was metaphorically trying to get across.  The first chapter dealt with the first line “the Lord is my shepherd.”  As I read the explanation provided- I realized that my sadness during this season has to do with an erroneous view of God.  I have been reducing Him to my limited, human comprehension of Him- meaning I have made Him so small that my worries seem bigger than Him.  Sometimes, we believers diminish God’s omnipotence simply with our pride and despair.  Yet, He is God Creator! In this context the perfect shepherd who protects and provides for his flock!  Lately I keep forgetting that He has things under control and that He is all powerful.  He is my shepherd and I am merely a foolish sheep! 

These past three days- my sadness has been lifted as I have redirected my focus to God and as I have restored God’s supremacy.  I needed a humility check- and though at times I still want to throw myself a pity party and shout at God like a toddler who is not getting what she wants, the good Christian girl in me is trying to believe and to hope in the Lord.  And since I can’t even manage to have hope on my own- I lean on Him to help my unbelief. 

May you have a Merry Christmas and may God give you more of Him.  ¡Feliz Nochebuena!  

The Joy of Service

Last night I got together with the RCIA team for our Christmas potluck.  In between, talks about the progress of our students and shared concerns over a few that seemed to not be capturing much from the program we laughed and got to know each other more deeply.  For the majority of our time together the RCIA candidates and catechumens were the focus of our discussion.  We evaluated our work these past months and shared personal insights on the spiritual growth of each of our students.  We talked about our Christmas classroom party and the student reactions to the activity that we did introducing them to the first Christmas and the essence of Jesus’ birthday.  As we discussed amongst ourselves our entire focus drifted from self to others and I began to feel the Christmas spirit…

On Sunday, in RCIA we did an activity that I do at home with my nephew where we follow a book, What God Wants for Christmas, which introduces in literal gift form each figurine of the nativity.  As each character is revealed one reflects on the role of each biblical person and the last gift holds the secret to what God wants for Christmas.  The activity illustrates how Jesus was the first gift- God’s gift to us on the first Christmas and how since people imitate God in giving gifts to one another.  It also reveals what God wants- our hearts as His birthday gifts.  When the students realize that for all the past Christmases they have left the main guest out of the celebration or when they realize that God wants them as they are, a lot get really emotional.  The Holy Spirit works powerfully in this activity and many cried and knelt in front of the completed nativity adoring Baby Jesus for the first time!

I love working in this ministry- God feeds my faith through my three hour Sunday morning commitment.  As I mentioned yesterday, I have been feeling depressed this past month and SO unready for the birth of Christ; but, last night as I reflected on others I began to feel warm inside.  I began to see things that because I was so self-focused, I had missed.  Through evaluating the spiritual progress and by witnessing the initial introduction of my students to the REAL reason for the season- God showed me how He has been using me.  Once again looking away from my problems, my failures and my doubts I was able to see God and I too was reminded of Jesus.  I was reminded of the hope born to us over two-thousand years ago.  Of our savior who came to give us life and to right the wrongs by taking our sins to the cross and building a bridge towards eternity with God.  As Jesus became more human in my being (more tangible) my petty worries seemed mere lunacy.  Jesus is the hope for and of the season!  Don’t let the enemy steal your Christmas joy – follow Jesus and do for others!  In serving the Lord by serving those in need celestial joy is revealed and a warmness that cannot be extinguished reins in your soul.         

Sister's in Christ

Feelings are deceptive.  These past few weeks I have been physically and emotionally exhausted!  At times I don’t even feel like we are days away from celebrating the birth of the Messiah.  Though I have prepared spiritually for the birth of Christ in my heart- I just don’t feel the Christmas cheer.  Yet, this lack of emotional cheerfulness has been a theme for the past few years in my being.  Even with all the great activities both secular and spiritual that I do – I feel numb.  It’s as if this anti- Christmas spirit depletes me of all positive emotional rewards and I am left this shell of a person going through the motions, but unable to internalize the happiness of the season.  On Saturday, my best Catholic friends and I had our annual Christmas get-together and I really didn’t feel like attending- my bed and the thought of sleep seemed more appealing.  But I managed to get ready and go.  I picked up my friend, Butterfly, and together we headed to my friend’s house.  In the car- I talked to her about my dark thoughts and struggles and just giving the darkness a voice freed me some.  Later that night as I talked with my sisters in Christ I realized that some of them felt unprepared emotionally for the birth of Christ too.  Their sharing really uplifted me.

Still Celebrating my b-day!

All of my friends are super special to me- but these girls understand me spiritually.  We share God and they get me in a way that others don’t.  Father Morrow advised me to have strong fellowship with Christian friends and to gather with them often.  His advice has been essential to my faith.  I met all of them in Jovenes Para Cristo and now we keep in touch through a private Facebook group, where we pray and catch-up with one another.  We also make the effort to see each other often and to mourn or celebrate together.  Each of them is a big blessing to my life and they encourage and motivate my conversion.  We have been through a lot together and meeting up with them always leaves me so satisfied with life and even hopeful.

On Saturday, we talked about our spirituality and how all of us feel like we could use more prayer.  I told them about how I have been feeling and just bringing it up and sharing relived me of some of my burden.  I left the gathering with a more lifted heart and even traces of joy in my being.  I feel like God is calling me to be strong in the faith even when my feelings betray me.  For His truth no matter how I feel remains truth.  His promises of hope, faith and love remain equally strong regardless of my emotions.  Even when I feel hopeless, faithless, and unlovable- He’s got it all under control.  And whether I await the Lord with an open heart or one that is struggling He will come and He will provide.  He is the gift of Christmas and He gives Himself to ALL no matter the condition of the hearts.  For he can redeem even the darkest of nights.  Thanks to my sister's in Christ for reminding me to trust in God and not lean on my own understanding (smile).

Mother Mary Model for Motherhood

On Sunday my nephew had his Christmas piano recital and this year he got a really difficult song, one that he never got into.  Though he practiced, he had difficulty ending the song.  During the concert he couldn’t finish his piece. “I just can’t remember how to end it,” he blurted and the audience responded with laughter.  He sat in front of the piano for a few more seconds unsure of what to do.  He was about to cry when my sister called him over, “its ok honey, come here.” And she gave him a big hug and helped him off the stage…  There’s so much goodness in the love of a mother.  I think that women who take on that role are really some of the most valiant women on earth.  It takes great strength and selflessness to love unconditionally, to care and show hope no matter the failures of their children.  For a long time I didn’t want to have children because I was afraid of the inevitable pain kids inflict on their parents.  My siblings and I have really hurt my mom.  As I observed our past indifference, rebellion, rejection, shame, selfishness, addictions… Our past immature way of taking things out on her must have all been so painful. These reflections caused me to focused on the pains of motherhood and that’s a role I avoided with all my might. 

As I began to study love after my conversion- I found a more mature definition to love than just good feelings.  I realized that true love endures all and suffers all. As I studied the gospel reading for this fourth Sunday of Advent, and reflected on Mother Mary- I just can’t comprehend (in my smallness) her willingness to do God’s will.  From the moment she conceives her troubles begin- yet, she loves and protects her baby.  When she loses Jesus at the temple she goes frantic with fear, when Jesus denies her during His ministry am sure she felt extremely hurt, and when He died on the cross her heart pierces.  In Mary- we have a perfect example that love hurts; yet, hopes for the best and does not surrender.  God gives us His perfect mother as our model.

In recent years- God has healed this fear of motherhood in my heart and now I want kids.  For the longest time I denied this natural desire (due to fear), but now I want to be a mom.  I know that as in all the roles and missions that God has sent me He has provided and if I become a mother someday He will give me the courage for my calling.  My sister has always been a bit of a wimp- but the moment she found out she was pregnant this protective, mother bear persona just appeared in her character.  Motherhood has really transformed her.  Real love transforms and arms us with the needed interpersonal qualities and strengths to do what needs to be done.  People say there are no manuals on how to be good parents- but I think in Mary we have a pretty good model for motherhood (wink).      

Christmas Blessings

On Friday, the office closed early for our annual Christmas luncheon.  Every year, my company throws a swanky celebration at the Fairmont Hotel in Newport Beach.  It’s fun to see all of my coworkers looking so dapper and to have the opportunity to mix and mingle outside of the office setting.  It’s customary that the founders, CFO and CEO of the company give speeches each year during the celebration and while normally the speeches are full of hubris- this year one of them really got to me.  Our founder battled cancer this year, and that experience really humbled him.  In his speech he talked about family, faith and gratitude.  Unlike previous years, he no longer repeated the same greedy speech of wanting more money and expanding the company even more.  He spoke about his family, about us and even about God! At times, his voice sounded cracked like he was trying to hold back tears.  His realness really impressed me.  Sometimes it takes facing death to realize what really matters and to forget the social norms to openly talk about faith and God.  A lot of the time people in positions of power forget to appreciate the simple things and have this air of superiority- but death comes to all of us.  And whatever our social status in the eyes of God we are all equally worthy.  Thus, it was really inspiring to see the change in this man and to see God working in him.

People who have faced death in a really personal way are never the same again- that’s why Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol is such a popular classic.   Scrooge faces his mortality and has the opportunity to change and God gives us that same opportunity every day- but a lot of the time we are so distracted with worldly things that it takes tragedy to help us focus on what really matters.  I was reading this horrible novel on mental illness- yet I learned something from reading a part of it and that is that people with mental disabilities see life differently.  The novel played with the idea that mental patients have a greater appreciation for life because they don’t worry about social norms.  They lead their lives according to their own standard of living and that makes them appear crazy to normal people.  I like that idea because I am bipolar and I do think that my disorder accompanied by the death of my brother really have influenced my way of life and the choices I have made since.  I try to live enjoying everything and everyone- and to shower people with God’s love no matter how sentimental and vulnerable that makes me.  A lot of the time we hide our feelings due to fear or pride- but when one encounters death and gets the opportunity to live a little longer God sets us free (if we are willing) to live a life of hope, truth and mushy love.     

Friends are Family Potluck

The Christmas season is a time of joy and celebration. A time of hopeful waiting and anticipation.  It’s a time to reflect on the greatest gift God gave us- Jesus. And a time to enjoy and be grateful for all of our blessings.

Italian Dinner Theme 

It’s a time of sharing- of coming together around the kitchen table and sharing the gifts He has given us.  Quite a few years ago my friends and I, began a tradition of a “Friends are Family” Christmas potluck.  Each year we rotate host homes and menus.  The host provides the main dish and the rest of the gang brings a dish to accompany it.   

It’s a time of Love- of expressing the greatest commandment through our actions towards one another.  

It’s a time of Friendship- of celebrating one of the most special blessings a person can have- a group of people to cheer, support and love ever so kindly.

It’s a time of hope- of reflecting on the gift of life and the babe that God gave us over two-thousand-years-ago.  This year my best friend is literally celebrating life for she is pregnant with her first baby- what a Christmas blessing!

It’s a time of children-  we began our potlucks as single girls and the additions of husbands and children have made our traditional festivity so much more complete.  Being around children is just such a joy- they make life so much better! And the roots of this holiday, the reason for the season is a baby - Jesus!  

It’s a time of Family- Every year our family grows and though we have our disagreements in the end we are a family who forgives and grows in love.  It's been such a memorable journey traveling with these folks from childhood or high school- we have many years together and our family just gets better with age (smile).

I have so many reasons to be blessed this Christmas.  The people above are just the beginning of my list of gratitude.

Good Things Happen on Cloudy Days

I love cloudy days! In California we don’t get very many of ‘em.  Perhaps because they are such a rarity I tend to truly enjoy them.  On cloudy days there just doesn’t seem to be as much activity in the city. When I walk my dog around familiar neighborhood streets quiet accompanies our treks- just my pal and I – alone in the empty streets.  It’s as if we are transported into a quieter city or a less active state.  Without any passersby’s to distract us, I feel a good kind of alone (smile).  The scenery looks quite different too.  The trees look bolder against the unfamiliar grey sky- I feel like if my life ever becomes a novel overcast skies would make the ideal backdrop.  And on those cloudy days, as I walk my furry friend I pretend that we are in a novel and anything can happen during our routine walk.  Those cloudy days inspire endless wonder and possibility.  In real life we have had some interesting days like the time my dog got attacked by a pitbull, or the time he stepped on a fallen beehive, or the time he pulled a muscle and I had to carry him a mile to my car… But I think those adventures happened on overpopulated sunny days!  On cloudy days only good things can happen (wink). 

I make an effort to be cheerful because smiles just shine brighter on cloudy days…  Most days I prefer to be alone and fewer days in the company of other people.  On cloudy days I rather the company of man’s best friend and to internalize the overcast beauty of God’s creation.  I’ve heard of dog owners who talk to their animals insistently- my dog and I, we, rarely have vocal conversations most of the time we are like two old people that have been together for so long that words are no longer of any importance…

On this particular cloudy day- I have decided to let go and let God.  It seems like a great day to put in the hands of God all that troubles me- only He knows the worries of my heart and today the cotton skies want to absorb my pathetic anxiety.  It sucks being a lousy wooer- and perhaps I suck at it because I am not supposed to be the wooer after all in God’s plan I am the woman the one that waits to be wooed.  Anyway, today seems like a good day to let go to this attitude that I must do in order to keep the fire in my heart burning over a man that is clearly not interested in me.  “Little by little I’ll stop loving you,” echoes Pablo Neruda – after all love is a choice and if only one person has chosen to love the other in romantic matters that is just not enough.  Thus, today I surrender this need to act, to reach out, to love someone who doesn’t want to be loved by me.  Just thinking that I am walking away, without regrets because I actively fought to win the affections of my beloved- and he didn’t reciprocate gives me some consolation.  Only good things happen on cloudy days; today I return to God casting my worries and failures- knowing that He has a plan for my life and for my heart.  This choice gives me peace- my life esta cien por ciento en tus manos Dios mio.     

New Christmas Traditions For You

Time flies. We are already in week two of Advent!  Last night in my small Bible study sharing group we had such fun dissecting the upcoming Sunday readings.  It seems like the theme of comfort continues to illuminate the path of Jesus towards Christmas.  It fascinates me how pre the first coming of Christ there is so much foreshadowing and excitement about the coming of the Messiah.  This upcoming Sunday in the first reading from the Book of Isaiah, God shares with His people that He’s sending a comforter to heal the broken hearts, to liberate the prisoners and to bring the Good News to the poor.  There’s so much joy and great anticipation in the promises of God to His people…  For me this is one of the busiest times of the year.  Life here gets hectic because I have a lot of family, friends and social commitments and keeping that joy in the celebration of baby Jesus can be challenging!  While it’s such a blessing to celebrate the beauty and essence of Christmas with all my loved ones at times having so many social and religious festivities makes me really tired and anxious.  That’s why I enjoy having people over to my home to stop the outward expressions of the holidays and to focus on the TRUE reason for the season.  For the past three years I have created traditions which I follow every year to return at various times in December and contemplate the nativity.  The following are activities that I am doing and which you if you live near these sites might be interested:

Triduum to Our Lady of Guadalupe at Saint Vincent de Paul Catholic Church in Huntington Beach:

• Father Sergio at my parish is an awesome speaker, he has the funniest sense of humor you will laugh a great deal while you learn even more (the talks will be in Spanish). 

Drive thru Nativity:

This is an awesome brief activity that you can do from inside your car!  First Christian Church in Huntington Beach sets seven stations in their parking lot retelling the Christmas Story with live actors and animals.  Great activity to do as a family with children.

“Save the Date” Christmas Play

Every year Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa hosts a three day free theatrical performance and everyone is invited.  The plays usually have a great Christian moral that leave one feeling quite warm and festive.

Reenactment of the Apparitions of Our Lady of Guadalupe

On December 12 Saint Barbara Parish out does itself in celebrating a Nuestra Morenita.  Before Mass a reecactment of the apparitions of Our Lady to Juan Diego is performed inside the parish.

So there you have it- some ways to stop and reminisce on Jesus and our Catholic faith.

A Life Worthy of Me

Linus explains the real reason for Christmas!

“I am making so many good memories,” my nephew whispered on Saturday as we toured Knott’s Berry Farm (SMILE).  He is about to turn eight and already he’s demonstrating such wisdom.  A friend once told me that success (and the duty) of every generation is to leave the world a better place for our children.  To carve a new world, a better prospect for our future generations.  As my sister and I took a sitting break to share some ice cream with my nephew we recalled how when we were children we were so poor that we were unable to take these fun outings.  Yet, as we grew into adulthood our choices have enabled us to live the lives we always imagined…

The first year I started therapy, after sharing all my darkest moments- my damaged past due to alcoholism, poverty and domestic violence my therapist saw past the brokenness and challenged me to create the life I wanted.  She gave me one of the greatest lessons of my life, “Penny, the past you have no control over because you were a child and as children grownups are supposed to care for their children, keep them from harm and all the important decisions adults make for them.  But now as an adult- think of the life you want to have and create it, you have the power to choose how you want to live starting now…”  That day my therapist words gave me a clean canvas and since I have been painting a life worthy of me.  As the foundation for my life painting, I have kept all the good things that my parents and ancestors have passed on to me and those areas that had been damaged or needed remodeling I have started to replace with goodness and love.  The thing is that if you challenge yourself to be better those around you become better too.  Slowly, I lost my fear of showing emotions and demonstrating those I love that I do indeed care.  I became a hugger and slowly my family became huggers too- my vulnerability helped me and my family learn to love in a way I always imagined.  Birthdays became important because growing up they were mostly gone ignored, now I serenated and celebrated my family and slowly they learned to do the same for me.  Recently, we started praying as a family for the big holidays like around the Thanksgiving table and during Advent we light the dominical wreath candles together… My life is what I always imagined and so much more.

We can either hold on to our hurts blame those who inflicted the pain, those who broke us- we can throw a pity party for ourselves or we can rise above our circumstances and slowly forgive and love.  If we are Christians that’s a commandment- we must forgive others as He forgave us.  In this culture revenge always looks so much more appealing; but, when we hurt others we hurt ourselves.  Yet, when we forgive and love them (even though they hurt us deeply) we open our lives to God and His infinite love, His infinite goodness and His infinite possibilities. 

Advent Week One

For the second year am leading an Advent Bible study group at my house, yesterday was our first meeting.  As we were going over the first reading for this upcoming Sunday, I realized that the first verse from the Book of Isaiah dealt with God asking us to comfort one another, “Comfort, comfort my people says the Lord.”  It just amazes me when I study God’s word how detailed He is in His instruction for all of us to lead peaceful, simple, happy lives.  He knew that in our walk towards eternal life we would need cheerleaders and others to help us during our moments of heartache and trouble.  We would specially need people of faith to remind and redirect our path towards God.  I am blessed with a lot of friends, some of the ones that I have the longest history with are not Christian; yet, they have been with me through some of the most trying periods in my life and for that I am eternally grateful and indebted.  Leaving them behind after my conversion was never an option for me, and though they might not understand life according to the ways of God- they support and encourage me no matter how foreign my beliefs or how my faith is transforming me.  They have been there for me in ways no believer has and I have hope that one day God will reign in their hearts and in their lives.  And it would be such a blessing from God if He allowed me to witness their conversion (SMILE).  Thus, if people who don’t know God can be such a comfort – how much more do we that know God must be. 

Last night as I lead the Bible study group and went over the readings with my group of six admirable Christian friends I gave thanks for God’s providence.  I have heard believers state that as they grew in God their social group diminished and I am not sure if I am doing something wrong- but since I follow God my circle of friends has multiplied.  God has taught me to love more perfectly and in doing so my family on earth continues to grow.  As I sat, in my living room listening to God’s word and the sharing of my sisters in Christ inside this light in me just grew brighter.  I understood so much and I rejoiced in the moment.  Reflecting on the foreshadowing of Christ’s birth, John the Baptist announcing the coming of the Messiah and the warning to get things right before Christ’s return again- gave me such hope in God’s plan.  God comforted me.  From the beginning God has had a plan for us, and not just us as a whole, but for each of us personally. 

I thought of a picture I posted on Facebook in which a little girl holds onto a bear and tells Jesus that she loves it and wants to hold on to it. Jesus extends one hand asking her to trust Him and holds a bigger bear that He wants to give her behind His back.  That image came to mind as I reflected on the reading from Second Peter, in which God exhorts us to be patient like He is with us.  I have been a bit disappointed with a man I like because he didn’t wish me a happy birthday; yet, as I reflected on this reading I realized that I should praise God that through the lack of this person’s gesture God has revealed that I am holding on to someone that is not for me.  That God has my mate on His way towards me and though the truth hurts, I need to trust Him and be patient.  In the meantime He has sent many people to comfort me and to point me on the way of His truth.  As a cherry on top, as the night came to an end a friend crashed my small group, cake and balloons in hand to wish me a happy belated birthday and I thought to myself- how can I be sad when God showers me with SO MANY BLESSINGS!   

Encourage One Another

The season of Advent has begun!  On Sunday, we began the spiritual preparation process for Jesus’ birth in our hearts this Christmas.  As I have been reflecting on the season and perhaps because this year Advent began on my birthday I started to really dig into the spiritual gift of exhortation. The many expressions of love I received all weekend (due to the simple fact that my birth makes people happy (wink)) brought to mind two verses: “encourage one another and build each other up” and “exhort one another every day.”  The foundation of our faith is love, and love without works is dead...  God seriously is amazing, He not only tells us to love one another He shows and tells us how.  One way to really help one another is through exhortation- building each other up by constantly making people feel valuable.  Yet, some of us are so clueless or this gift of building each other up is not our strongest charism.  Thus, the following are some examples of ways that you can build your brothers and sisters in Christ:

• Love is impartial, Love Everyone: This means that you don’t love just to impress the person who you have feelings for or those you are close to, but all of God’s family.
• Be Careful with People- Take care in how you treat them and how you speak to them.  Are your actions and tone showing them they are precious to you?
• Listen- if you listen carefully they will tell you things that are important to them and then do those things to show you care.
• Compliment- and never magnify their faults.  Tell people verbally that they are important to you and that you value them by giving them compliments. Men and women - we both love to get occasional compliments. Practice saying something positive to at least one person every day and before you know it – you will be a natural at building people up.

• Be a Blessing- Through your words and actions share God’s love with others.  My mom always asks God to place people in her path who He wants her to bless on that day- and believe me God never fails.
• Pray for them- pray for others' needs, for their spiritual growth and for anything else the Holy Spirit leads you to.  And occasionally let them know you are praying for them- there’s nothing I love more than to learn someone has been praying for me.  A few Christmases ago my mom got really sick and it was a really trying holiday time for me. When I went to a Cursillo retreat and found out that all these people had been praying for me – I cried because though I had felt a divide between God and myself – all these prayer angels had been praying for me during a time that I REALLY needed intercession.
• Return emails, texts and calls promptly.
• Ask Questions- People generally love to talk about themselves and when you ask questions you are showing the other person that you are interested in them and in their lives.  If you are bad at asking questions (like me) practice and look for some universal prompts you can memorize.  There are these great table topic question games that can help in this area (wink). 

• Remember birthdays and anniversaries- nowadays with social media it’s easy for you to wish someone a Happy Birthday or congratulate them on their special occasion.
• Respond to Tragedy- Ask for how they are doing and follow up.  This is a great time to share that you are praying for them.
• Hugs! We all need to be touched and what better way than with a warm hug, yum!
• Use all the resources you have to bless others.  I have a very active Facebook page that I use to show others that I care.  On Facebook I wish everyone a happy birthday, I acknowledge their comments by liking them or commenting back – exhortation is that simple and easy!

Remember that the world discourages and tries to destroy us; but, when we come together and build each other- when we make others feel worthy and appreciated we are shinning the light of God.   We are called as followers of Christ to Christify the world do so by being a blessing wherever you go.