Lies Women Believe II: Our value according to the world

Our value according to the world depends on:

At the beach in a bathing suit for the first time in my life!

Our physical beauty, weight and youth: All the fashion magazines target women with headlines that cover these three areas.  How to look more beautiful, younger, and thinner.  They sale lies and women buy into these deceptions.  I was an avid fashion magazine, tabloid reading girl and I got sucked right in to the fad diets that in five days I could have a new body if I just followed the latest diet- no exercise or eating healthy required.  When I followed the steps and failed to lose weight I felt miserable – the reality is that losing weight is hard work and no fad diet is going to be a permanent solution.  If we want to be fit, we need to eat properly and exercise- that’s the truth… Magazines use the same false headlines to offer ways to look younger and more beautiful.  Buy this product and your wrinkles will disappear or wear these trends and you will capture the attention of any man.  We see these ads everywhere selling these ideals by making women feel that their worth depends on having smaller bodies & keeping their youthful looks while enhancing their beauty.   

 In my favorite place with my favorite dog!

 Teaching RCIA.

Supporting Mexico in world cup- curly hair and all.

Traveling in shorts!

Our intelligence and success:  Again the media tells us that we must be brilliant and pursue careers over family.  They attack the traditional family and demean housewives to antiquated, repressed women.  Prior to returning to my faith- I too looked down upon women who chose to be housewives over university or a career outside of the home.  They represented weakness to me and I pursued my education and career with the desire to be strong and independent.  My worth depended on how far I got in my goals and achievements. 

This is my uniform- comfy leggings and a roomy top.

 My uniform again.

 At my friends wedding - wearing a thrifted dress.

With Father after a great confession and spiritual direction session!

Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying that we shouldn’t work hard to achieve things that give us joy and purpose, what I am saying is that our value is not dependent on the list of qualities we possess.  At the senior home I volunteer at, I see women abandoned and forgotten by society and more sadly by their families.  If we believe what the media tells us that our worth depends on these variables then our destiny is to end imprisoned and forgotten in nursing homes once we can no longer (due to old age) produce these results.  My only living grandma turned ninety last year and she is still as much a presence in our lives as she ever has been.  We seek her wisdom and value the experience life has given her.  And though she requires care because she’s elderly and almost blind her value is priceless.  What makes her priceless is not even the wisdom she’s picked up over her lifetime- her value (like our own value) depends on one thing only: GOD.  He created us and gave us the utmost value!  He told us straight out, “I made you in my image and I chose you as my family.” Father was speaking this weekend about how each of us has a stamp that reflects that we are copyrighted by God, He loves us so much that He even stamped us with His signature “made by and belongs to God.”  Even after we sinned and broke that bond, God wouldn’t leave us to our own demise, He sent His son to earth to bear our sin. He put a price tag on us- He declared our value to be greater than the whole world.  There was no clause: only bring the beautiful, young, slim, intelligent, successful women leave the rest behind.  He came for all of us.  We were chosen by God- that’s what makes us precious; that’s what determines our value.  When we realize and accept this HUGE truth, we can love ourselves in light of knowing our flaws because the truth is that we are special not by our own merit but because God chose us.  This truth frees us to love our imperfect selves and to value others with the same degree that God does.  In my last post I wrote that I am at my heaviest, but I am content and happy- I can even dare say I like myself.  The reason is God, He loves me now as I am and He will never love me any more or less than He does right now.  Wow!  Slowly as I have spent time getting to know God- He has freed me from years of erroneous thinking and I want to emphasize that if you are low in your self-esteem go to God. Get to know Him and love your neighbor these two things will free you to love yourself. To look in the mirror and say with great confidence, “I am special because God chose me.”

With my abuelita this Christmas.

I am sharing elven photos as I did last time- only this time I can say that I liked these photos when they were taken as I do now.  They are full body pictures at my current size and believe it or not I like all of me in these images (smile). 

The nerd and her BFF.

Part One: Lies Women Believe

Lies Women Believe

It’s the New Year and the most popular universal resolution people make is to get fit- to drop those dreaded pounds…  Thus, today I want to open up about physical appearance and the lies that women believe by sharing my own struggle with self-image and fluctuating weight.  Dealing with added pounds usually has to do with more than just bad eating habits and lack of exercise; usually it’s an inner battle that needs to be won in order to make positive life changes.  I have shared (before) the chaos that my life was after I arrived in California- dealing with abuse, alcoholism, poverty, all sorts of difficult trials- these issues affected the way that I saw myself.  It wasn’t until I had been in therapy for many years that I began to accept that I was a normal girl, but for most of my life I believed I was an abnormal freak of nature.  I looked at my reflection in the mirror and I saw brown skin, brown eyes, curly hair and I felt like I would never be the ideal of American beauty.  The reoccurring compliment I would always get was, “you are so exotic.”  I hated being referred to as exotic, every time I would hear that I felt like some tropical flamingo from some foreign land on display at a zoo- I longed to be seen as standard beautiful.  Toni Morrison wrote a novel, The Bluest Eye, about this black woman who longed for blue eyes, she believed that all of her problems would be fixed if she had blue eyes.  When I read this novel in high school, I so identify with the protagonist because I too wanted to be ideally blonde, blue eye and beautiful.  Yet, I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw a distortion of me even though I was a size six- I felt like I was super fat and for most of my skinny years I always felt like a whale.  The distortion was not just in my Mexican looks, it was also in my size.  I was looking at pictures from these years while preparing this post and I remember how unhappy I would get every time I looked at these images thinking how enormous I was.  Now I see them and I see a normal kid.

In Texas- about 24.

At 21 years old.

During my teaching preschool years.

 College Years- when I sponsored my goddaughter.

When I student taught- for my 27th birthday.

How these distortions began has to do with many variables.  Coming into a new country and starting school without the language can be a very difficult, traumatizing event for a child.  I remember that not knowing the language made me an outcast, kids bullied me and I responded by withdrawing and becoming an extremely shy kid.  Dealing with an alcoholic parent and abuse in the home also affected my view of myself – I felt like I needed to hide these things.  Most of the time I felt like I was leading a double life: a perfect student at school and a child at war at home.  Add sexual abuse, poverty, mental illness to the mix and you have the ingredients for quite a distorted self-perception.  For the longest time I felt like I needed to hide the real me because no one would love a person with so much baggage.  I became a perfectionist and I was very vain.  I never left the house without make-up and looking my very best.  When I began my first relationship- I began to feel beautiful because I had a guy to validate me.  Yet, he was a guy that liked me for my physical attributes and when I started gaining weight he told me that he was no longer attracted to me and that he hated when I wore my hair curly.  These comments really hurt me and I felt like I needed to look a certain way to be loved… Yet, after the break-up I found God and things began to change.

 26 years old.

 25 years old.

Going to a wedding.

Maid of Honor for BFF's wedding.

When I had my first encounter with God I thought that religious life was what God wanted for me and I stopped dressing up, and wearing make-up.  I wanted to rid myself of vanity- yet, I went to the other extreme and became unkempt and slovenly.  Around this time I also began taking meds for Bipolar and the medication gave me strong sugar cravings – in a year I went up drastically in weight.  When I looked at myself in the mirror now more than twice my size I felt sick- I hated what I saw.  I had to learn to accept myself with the added weight.  After having a mental breakdown my physical appearance was the least of my worries.  I just wanted to gain sanity, to find and keep a job, to slowly build my life again.  It’s been many years since my breakdown and I have (through the grace of God) achieved stability.  During these years of having God in my life and learning to see Him in a truthful light - clear of distortions that I also had of Him- has helped me see myself as He sees me.  Our view of God affects how we view ourselves.  If we do not see Him as He really is- if we believe things about Him that are not true- invariably, we will have distorted views of ourselves.  I have found that knowing God has also been a great self-discovery.  I am heavier than I have ever been in my life, but I feel good about myself because I am more than my physical appearance.  God has helped me to love my brown skin, eyes and curly hair… I often tell people you see this body it’s all sweetness because of my Seroquel sugar cravings (smile).  Yet, this year I would like to begin to work on making some positive changes to help me become healthier.  I think I am ready to work on having physical discipline again and that’s perhaps another journey that I will document here, because I know that we all need encouragement.  Change is good.  

My BFF's wedding.

All the pictures I shared on this post are pictures that though I am smiling I felt terribly insecure.  They show a healthy girl- with a very distorted perception of herself.  With God all things are truly possible- now I look at these images and they make me smile... (to be continued).

Lies Women Believe II: Our value according to the world

New Year New Room

The S is for my name and the D is for my dog (smile).

Beginnings are usually times of hope.  Every start to a new year I think of the many things that I would like to accomplish.  It almost feels like a clean slate, a tabula rasa where I get another chance to paint more experiences into this life of mine.  On Christmas, I received a bird blanket that started this whole redecorating bug.  Then I went thrifting with my mom & sister and I found a quilt and pillow cases that matched… With my creativity awaken, I began to get all these ideas for redecorating my room.  A few more trips to various thrift stores around my area and a nature theme developed.  I must say that I don’t like birds in cages- those images sadden me as much as a goldfish in a bowl.  Some animals were made for freedom… Yet, my dad gave me the most amazing bird throw… So I decided I wanted the forest to invade my room and while birds would be permitted no bird in cages would be allowed.  I love parks and the outdoors- while the beach is amazing I am a forest girl.  I was born in the state of Michoacan known for its beautiful forests and much of my childhood memories involved some trip into the wilderness.  Thus, in a way I wanted to bring my childhood ideal of beauty into my room.  I wanted trees, animals and color. 

 I painted my room purple after my brother died in his memory, 

but this summer I will change the color to better suit my decorating needs.

Now the thing about thrifting is that usually you find things that you are not necessarily looking for or in the wrong color so you have to get creative.  In addition, sometimes a trip to the store won’t necessarily mean a great find and usually great finds are hidden treasures that require a bit of digging.  All these elements combined is why I enjoy thrifting.  I love the surprise of a good find and then coming home and googling how much it actually sold for gives me pleasure like nothing else.  It makes me feel smart for saving so much money.  I have shared before that I enjoy shopping second hand because it’s my way of living green - that still holds true.  A thing that many non-thrifters might not know is that some stores carry a lot of brand new items donated by retailers.  For example, all of my bedding came from Target, brand new and in its original packaging.  Even I have standards for some things like what I sleep on being in new condition (smile). 

A few DIY projects and a new night table are slowly improving my prayer area.

I have a box with prayer aids and booklets, and a small cute box to hold my rosary.

I purchased this Ethan Allen Obi Night Table on Craigslist for 50 bucks they sale for 500- what a steal.  I love the quality and the fact that it has a secret pull out board that I use for writing.

I had been drooling over a quilt set that had little trees and bears stitched on, but the quilt alone was over 350 dollars. Yikes!  So I had to improvise and get creative in ways of bringing the forest inside without throwing my money away.  God provided me my tree branch panel (which is actually a bathroom curtain that I turned into a bedroom curtain by sewing a hem for the curtain rod).  The other curtains I found at two separate Goodwill’s brand new from Target.  In the course of a few weeks I had most of the items to begin the grand renovation.  Since I sleep with a senior dog (hush, he still thinks he’s a pup) I had to lower my bed because he hurt his back a couple of times trying to get on the bed and he wouldn’t have anything to do with the doggie stairs.  So I had to accommodate my aging dog.  Now he leaps on and off with the spirit of a young puppy.  I had quite a few days off work for the holidays so I was able to go to various stores and buy little nick knacks to complete sections of the room.  So far I am done with one third of the room- the other areas needs a few more DIY projects, but am loving my new room thus far.  The rain will slow my progress since I want to paint my vanity and mirror set to match the cherry-wood-new-to-me furniture.  So, in a month or so I hope to be doing part two of the tour.  Enjoy my simple, budget-friendly, good-to-the-planet decorating ideas & be safe in the rain.  Also excuse the poor quality of the pictures- they were taken with my antique phone since my camera died and in poor lighting.    

The bird throw my dad got me and my DIY doggie toy bin for only $3.99.

2016 Changes & Ramblings

I go through seasonal changes in my pattern of activity.  Lately, I have been a homebody working on house projects.  Every New Year I change my room décor because I room with quite a handsome dog.  Sleeping with a dog means that at least once a year I must change all the bedsheets completely to keep good hygiene.  It’s quite a fun process peeling the layers of old and thinking of ways to update the place where I spend most of my time.  This year I wanted to bring nature inside, I will take you in a tour of our room later this week because I also like to do things on a budget.  This 2016 I want to incorporate other things that inspire me or at least entertain me- like crafting and thrifting- to this space.  I am thinking of a “Thrifty Thursday” regular post where I let loose my creativity in shopping, fashion, crafting- all things feminine.  Because being a Catholic woman means that I have other interests too just like everyone else. 

Making a Nature Frame: Frame $1 + Pinecones $1 = Total spent $2

When I attended my first retreat and I saw all the young people involved in running the event I seriously thought that their entire lives involved praying the rosary and going to church.  Yet, as I started forming friendships with many of them I realized that they were just ordinary people like me.  Though I try to live a good Catholic life, true to my faith I fall short all the time and am in constant need of God’s forgiveness.  Somedays I am really hard on myself and feel like a total failure in my walk with the Lord, but He picks me up again and again.  It’s important to me to live an authentic life- like Holden, from Catcher and the Rye, I hate hypocrites and I would hate to become one.  So sometimes I tend to be really hard on myself, but I find that God always finds me where I am at, accepts me and motivates to continue trying.  I am learning to be Catholic, to imitate Christ and to know God as He is and not how I want Him to be.  My conversion is ongoing and that will continue to be documented here.  But I am also a person who works full time, has family & social responsibilities, and enjoys certain hobbies- especially hanging out with one very spoiled pup.  I pray, attend mass weekly, and try to follow my Catholic faith, but I am just an ordinary girl.

My nephew drew this picture of me & Dollar a few years ago. Now it's art in my room.

When I began my conversion I hated finding out that saints were huge sinners, because I erroneously believed that saints were perfect people.  Now I love the fact that saints sinned and sometimes big time because it gives me hope when I fall; it is the sick who need a physician after all.  After reading some of the lives of the saints I realize that they loved God in ordinary ways and they also had certain strengths.  Saint John Bosco possessed a great sense of humor which he utilized to attract the youth to Christ.  He is often remembered for his joy.  I always picture him playing ball with children.  Saint Francis had a great love for nature, legend has it that he could speak to animals - he’s our very own Catholic Dr. Dolittle!  I think part of living authentically is finding those passions that God gave each of us and putting them to use, trivial as they might be.  Anyway- this post has been a bunch of mumbling probably because I slept little last night.  Every few months the Bipolarness makes it difficult to stop my thoughts long enough to sleep, but am learning to deal with it in a more positive manner.  To not let the dark thoughts dominate my spirit, but to trust in God and to get back up every time I fall just like Jesus rose three times on His way to Calvary.               

So Long 2015: My Six for 2016

This is the time of year when we begin making our New Year’s resolutions.  The theme of “new year, new you” dominates the media and while there’s nothing wrong with setting goals to motivate us to become better people- many of us mimic the popular culture and make extremely superficial aims.  Objectives so insignificant that really don’t challenge or inspire us to continue our earthly transformation into better versions of ourselves.  I was reading an article comparing the New Year resolutions between people in third world countries versus people in developed countries and the simplicity and depth of the poor always makes me ponder my privileged life.  As I sat and thought of what I hoped in 2016 I was really inspired to dig deep and find areas that I want to convert and grow.  Areas that will help me become a better me and as a result will impact my relationships with my God given lot.

Let go and let God- These past couple of months I learned a great lesson- to let go and trust God.  I have a bit of a control problem.  I feel safe when I am in control and these past couple of months God has been teaching me to transfer my control to Him.  It’s been a scary and uncomfortable process, but am hoping that what has begun in me will continue to grow this New Year.  In the Divine Mercy image, God told Saint Faustina to write underneath the painting, “Jesus, I trust in You.”  That’s my theme for this New Year to transfer my reign and continuously pray, “Jesus, I trust in You.”

Study the life of the Saints- Once a month I am going to adopt a new saint and study his/her life.  Am hoping to find saints that will encourage me to work in areas that I struggle.  To have holy people who inspire and motivate me to press on and continue peeling layers off of my heavenly Father.  I would like to study women in the Bible too- I have many books that I am hoping I will be able to study this year in an effort to continue growing in wisdom and faith.  For conversion is an ongoing process for all of us this side of heaven.   

Found this NY flute with Jan engraved at Goodwill for $1!

Read the Catechism of the Catholic Church- Can you believe that I have never read it in full!  This year I would like to begin to study the "tradition" of my faith more deeply.

Attend Mass- We should all be going to Mass on Sundays and days of obligation- this year I want to add another week day to my attendance.  I love attending Eucharistic services, yet I get lazy during the week.  Instead of doing so many talks and activities this new year I will opt to go to Mass (smile).

Prayer- I have been working on building a prayer area in my room so that I can be more inspired to spend daily time with God.  In addition, I want to continue attending Eucharistic Adoration on Mondays at my parish.  I go through periods where I am really inspired to pray and then times when it becomes really difficult to do so- this year I want to remain constant regardless of my emotions.

Happy New Years from In My Shoes!

Works of Mercy- I can be really self-centered and forget about others so this year I want to work on helping my neighbor and those in need.  This is the Extraordinary Jubilee Year of Mercy, Pope Francis calls all Catholics to perform works mercy and be imitators of Christ.  This is a time to “find joy in rediscovering and rendering fruitful God’s mercy, which we are all called to give comfort to every man and every woman in our time.” 

These are my six for this New Year.  Even if I don’t accomplish all of them I am hopeful that growth will occur.  May you be inspired, my reader, to continue growing in Christ.  Have a blessed and happy New Year! Thanks for reading.   

The Nativity: All Eyes on Jesus

Selfie with baby Jesus (smile).

God has a funny sense of humor… As you know, I am very drawn to Franciscan spirituality, so recently when I found out that in 1223, Saint Francis (with permission from the Pope) created the first live nativity scene to explain the birth of Jesus to the people - I couldn’t help, but smile.  For years now I have been collecting nativities, I have enough now to place one in every room in my house.  I am a really visual person and I just love the joyful, hopeful image depicted in the manger scene.  When I am sad, I love to think of myself as a little lamb resting my head on the trough, my snout touching my savior’s babe skin.  I feel so close to Him and so protected when I contemplate this image in my mind and there like all the animals in the stable I get fed from this trough of life-everlasting.  I love being the little lamb in the scene because it comforts me to know that God is my shepherd and I shall not want, that though I walk through dark valleys I will fear no evil because He is with me.  When predators come to devour, He will leave the flock to come rescue me.  And when He speaks I will recognize His guiding voice.  I think pretending to be a little lamb is my favorite role within the nativity- it gives me profound peace to be little and allow God to be magnificent and great.  Recently as I was meditating on an image of the birth of Christ, I began to notice how in that one moment all eyes are on Christ.  For the first time in history all eyes are upon God.  We have the poor, outsiders -the outcasts or shepherds come to worship.  We have the rich, educated wise men who come to pay homage.  We have the angels, the Star of Bethlehem and the animals or heaven and earth worshipping the Christ Child.  In that sacred image Saint Francis is showing us that Jesus is for everyone.  Furthermore, Jesus in the trough and the donkeys’ present- tell us that even jackasses know how to find their food! Wow! Powerful messages indeed.

Drive Thru Nativity in HB: The Christmas Story told in 9 scenes with live actors and animals!

In Mexico, I remember all the homes in my neighborhood would display very elaborate nativity scenes.  I don’t think we even knew of Santa Claus when I lived there.  Now as I pass the decorated homes in my neighborhood, in Southern California, I don’t see nativities on display anymore.  When I was trying to buy a lighted nativity set for my lawn – I had to order it online because stores have stopped carrying them.  Yet, there’s a place that I love to visit around this time of year that like me has a surplus of nativities.  In Costa Mesa, the TBN Broadcasting Center is a beautiful place that loves displaying all sorts of nativities.  The following are some pictures I snapped.  May you be encouraged to keep the tradition of placing a nativity in your home and may you make the time to contemplate the moment of atonement where all eyes are on Jesus.  There’s even a perfect movie  for this time, “The Nativity Story,” on Saturday, I watched it with my sister and mom as we listened to the rain fall…     

Nativity in Ornaments.

Nativity under the Christmas tree.

Nativity in my jewelry.

Larger than life nativity.

All the characters in the scene.

Movie and study guides- I loved doing a film study this December!

Nativity at my parish: Saint Barbara in Santa Ana.

Advent: Walking with Mary

This Advent without planning I began a character study into our blessed Mother Mary- since my initial conversion I have been so in love with Jesus that I sort of have dismissed Mary.  Though multiple people have tried to explain to me her very important role in our salvation story I still am slowly developing a deeper devotion to her.  I grew up in a patriarchal society where I often heard the false teaching that women were inferior and I think I unconsciously have placed Mary in that erroneous category of lesser worth.  Why go to Mary when I can run to Jesus has been my dominating mentality.  Yet, this December as I began to explore Mary’s role as Jesus’ mother I began to capture and relate to her more deeply and to understand why we venerate her.  Having also grown-up in a matriarchal home where my mom ran the household and took the responsibility of raising, educating and forming honorable children- I see that Mary is truly special because she not only gave birth to Jesus she raised the Son of God!  From the moment the Angel Gabriel gives her the message that she is to be the Saviors mother she doesn’t hesitate.  Though she understands the difficulty of God’s mission for her, she surrenders to God’s will entirely.  Surrendering our will to God is an ongoing process for all of us, but for Mary she trusts God completely and immediately.  Not only does she quickly submit, but she sings a song of joy magnifying God and acknowledging her smallness.  And that’s where her greatness lies- she’s great and worthy of veneration because God CHOSE her!  If God chose Mary than who are we to reject and diminish our blessed Mother as “just the human” who carried Jesus.  To diminish her is as terrible as to place her above God.  This weekend we celebrated the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, the church was packed and Father reminded us to love Mary, but never forget that our blessed Mother ALWAYS leads us to Jesus.  Father pointed out how in Hispanic communities the Guadalupana Festivity usually brings large numbers, but Christmas services usually have low assistance.  It’s important that as we grow in our Catholic faith we begin to order our spirituality according to the truths of our faith- to love God how He wants to be loved.  He wants us to love Mary, to seek her intercession and to have her as a role model of faith (for she is His favored one), but to always remember that He’s the King of Kings the only one worthy of honor.

This is the first year that I participated (as an adult) in the Guadalupe festivities and it was such a transforming experience.  I love my culture our colorful, cheerful beauty.  Our over the top aesthetics and high values of family and community unity. I love our Mariachi music and our Aztec dancers.  I love the rainbow of ribbons in our hair, the embroidered flowers on our clothes our indigenous-mestizo roots.  I love our religiosity…  And I love how our Catholic faith makes room for all that Mexican awesomeness!  This year, as I sat in a triduum dedicated to the tilma of Our Lady of Guadalupe I took a really close look at the image of our Virgencita and I realized how blessed I am to have an image of mi Madrecita that looks so much like me.  Morenita in skin color, lover of loud colorful clothes, jewelry wearing and radiating in glitter from the stars (have I mentioned how much I love all things glitter)!  She even has our party personality – loves partaking in peregrinations around our neighborhoods… She’s so much like me and yet she makes me want to be more like her.  To love her is to love her Son and to get to know her is another path towards God.  We Mexicanos have been so blessed because the Mother of our God came to visit us tangibly in el Cerro de Tepeyac.  She came looking like us with a message of love- God loves the marginalized, the weak, the poor, the brown- He loves ALL equally, we are each individually special to Him simply because He chooses us over and over again. Wow!  Though others will reject us- God loves us to infinity and beyond and our Mother Mary is there to carry us in her arms towards Jesus for healing.  We are completely loved by God- may this Advent be a time to feel God’s love through Mary who gave us the greatest gift of all- God the Son. Amen.  

Beautiful braids.

Beautiful service.

Celebrating our roots.

Kids in traditional costumes.

Que Viva la Patroness of the Americas and of our Diocese.