Life is Messy

When I was a little girl living like sardines in an overcrowded apartment I used to dream about living in a house with a white picket fence.  I thought that a house translated into a home where people lived in perfect harmony (like in “The Cosby Show”) where grownups were perfect and children had no worries other than to be children.  This childhood ideal followed me as I grew up becoming my dream and also the cause of my greatest disillusionment.  Life is messy and no castle will keep imperfections, addictions, illness, character flaws - problems out.  Perfect sitcom families do not make it outside television screens.  In the “real” world people hurt, get angry, fight have moments when they are so upset with one another that bad thoughts infiltrate their minds.  No white picket fence will keep out human weakness.  I got angry this past weekend because I was hurt and after walking my dog and praying the Stations of the Cross during our trek I realized that I allowed my weaknesses to get the best of me.  At the tenth station this reflection from Blessed John XXIII totally spoke to my heart because I had allowed anger to disrupt my peace and took offense over misunderstandings.

Life is messy.  Shows like “The Cosby Show” might lead us to believe that things should come easily because in less than thirty minutes any problem gets tackled and positively resolved.  Life takes a little longer.  Last post I wrote about living inside out because that’s how I try to live my life - it was simply a reflection about how I see my life not a proposition for you to live yours the same.  Sometimes I do things that take a bit of courage and after I do them I feel vulnerable.  When I heard “Inside Out” it was as if God was saying, “you’re ok my cheesy daughter.  You’re ok for sharing your music and you’re ok for reaching out.”  My overthinking made me feel like in my desire to be there for someone my actions were more taken as fishing for a thank you.  That led to even more negative thoughts and I was feeling pretty crummy.  Yet, that song validated my way of being and I realized that I was just being me and sometimes we are so afraid of being ourselves because rejections hurt more when we are being one hundred percent ourselves. 

I share here mostly happy truths about my little life, but life behind my white picket fence is not ideal.  Life is messy.  I am messy, my loved ones are messy- but it’s our mess and we work through and with it.