Excerpt From My Teaching Portfolio

When I was a little girl I used to play school with the neighborhood kids in my garage and I was always the teacher.  At the end of the school year I would help my teacher clean her classroom with the sole purpose of getting all the worksheets she had not used that year.  I used these worksheets in my pretend school and I got so good at it, that parents started to pay me to teach their kids during the summer.  Every summer my little garage school would open and the neighborhoods kids would attend.  During those hot days in the garage with kids sitting on paint cans and doing work on their laps, my dream began of one day being the head of the class.  I hadn’t met anyone who had gone to college other than the people who taught me in elementary, so as tangible as this dream became in the summers, for a girl from the barrio it was a dream unreachable like the stars.

I remember my own cousins would ask me why I tried so hard in school.  My aunt, God bless her soul, even told me once, “You shouldn’t try so hard because you’re just going to get pregnant and drop out of high school and all that work for nothing.”  Yet, my mother (with only a second-grade education) nurtured my dreams, she told me to keep my head-up and for as long as she was alive she would fight for me to accomplish the things I wanted in life.  She took me on countless university tours and told me how proud she would be when I got into one of them.  Yet, I felt like maybe the naysayers were right maybe college was not for someone like me.  The “keep-out” sign glared the closer I got to college.  Yet, sophomore year in my high school English class I was handed a book that transformed my life, The House on Mango Street. Up until that point, I didn’t know Mexican people wrote novels in English and this particular writer was writing in a voice that matched my own.  A girl from the hood that hated her ugly house and wanted more than what the barrio gave her.  I knew her, she was me and I too wanted out- to go as far away and write my own stories.  Then something happened, I became Esperanza or maybe she was me all along and I knew that if I wanted it with hard work and more importantly the courage to travel where no one had traveled before I could accomplish my dreams.

The night before I transferred to university I cried and had a panic attack so big that I thought maybe I didn’t have the courage to leave my comfortable surroundings, but like the lioness that she has always been, my mother encouraged me and helped me find a friend.  This friend gave me a tour of the school on my first day and I as toured the campus with her as she showed me where all my classes were- again I gained the momentum to continue carving paths and eventually graduating.  Then I went into the combined Masters and Teaching Credential Program and by the age of twenty-five I was teaching.  Throughout my college career I worked part-time.  I taught preschool from the age of eighteen and I did that for four years realizing that while those little guys are awfully cute little children was not the age group that I wanted to continue teaching.  So then, as I neared my credential I became a Substitute Teacher.

 I was one class away from completing my Masters in Education, but was advised to wait to get hired by a district before I completed the class. The rational was that districts hired teachers with BA’s more often than teachers with MA degrees.  Then my life took a double hit my brother (who was my best friend) committed suicide and soon after I became undone and was diagnosed for the second time as bipolar.  Losing someone in such a hard way and for the first time in my life experiencing a loss so close rattled my life- it was too much and my mind spiraled out of control.  I began hearing voices and hallucinating.  I had to leave teaching and take a year off while doctors tried to find medications that would help my extreme bipolar symptoms.  When I recovered and was ready to take a job, I was told to go back slowly meaning taking a low paying job that had little to no stress.  While I was glad that I was in control of my mind again- it was a huge blow to not be able to do what I had worked so hard to accomplish.  Maybe all the naysayers were right, maybe all that hard work was pointless.

My brother, may God rest his soul, led me out of the valley of death and into the hands of God.  My faith taught me humility and I began a job in the mortgage industry making copies - a position as low on the food chain as possible.  Slowly my confidence began to rebuild and so did my career.  Afraid that going back into teaching would cause me to lose my mental capabilities I just moved up in the mortgage world and tried to get teaching out of my mind.  After almost ten years my company relocated to Texas and I decided to remain in California and give teaching a try.  I was thinking of teaching at a juvenile detention center where the classroom size is smaller to help with my disability.  Then I heard back and was hired with Opportunities for Learning Charter Schools and I found myself working with at risk students that are failing out of high school with huge credit deficiencies and I found my niche.  I love my job!

This past year has been one of redemption.  After fearing that teaching would push me off the deep end again, I found a place where I work with a small student population, but because they are tougher kids it does come with its frustrations.  My English classroom size in terms of traditional instruction at one time is twenty-kids or less.  When I am not in front of a classroom, I have a light load of students that I work with on unit packets in all content areas.  These students I meet once a day for a couple hours, usually only four at a time.  So, working in smaller groups and only having to teach in front of a classroom two or three times a week is the perfect way for a person with bipolar to teach. Once I found my groove I decided to complete my Masters in Education even though it had been over ten years.  I talked with National University representatives and was approved to return and complete my last class.

I never imagined that I would be completing my last class and my degree during quarantine.  Yet, this whole process has given me the time to reflect back on my journey and in doing so a spirit of gratitude towards all the people who have helped me get here and of course God has overtaken my soul.  I have loved traveling into the past, reflecting on the present and looking into the future as an educator.  I am constantly amazed by the life I am living, thanks be to God.    

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Something New

In 2007 I received my Secondary Teaching Credential, I was advised by the university to complete my last Masters in Education class until after I had been hired by a school.  My advisors found that districts hire more readily teachers without a Masters due to funding and I was told that after I began a job I could come back and complete the last course.  They gave me a seven-year time limit to return and finish my degree.  As you know, I left teaching soon after I started working at a high school due to my disability being diagnosed that same year. Time passed and I thought that being bipolar I would never be able to teach and I gave up on completing that last class.

These past few months as I found a non-traditional school where I work in a style that greatly benefits my disability I realized that it was time to finish that last class.  I sent a request to the university to allow me to complete the last class even though it’s been more than seven years and after a lengthy process I was approved to return.  In two weeks, I will be done and finally receive my Masters in Education.  This quarantine will definitely be unforgettable because during the whole stress of virtual teaching and social distancing a little good. 

The biblical story of Job, has always held such a special place in my heart- it propelled my reversion to the Catholic faith and continues to inspire and teach me.  I thought that due to my disability I would never get to do what I worked so hard and had set my heart to; but, just like Job, God has given me so much lately.  I feel this sense of redemption! Even though through circumstances out of my control I gave up many dreams, after so many years God has redeemed all that suffering and return to me tenfold. Here’s what I have been working on for my last Masters class, I used my Easter picture as a symbol of something new:

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Lent in Quarantine

It’s been a Holy Week like no other, an Easter Triduum like no other and tomorrow an Easter like no other.  While I have missed participating in the rituals and the Eucharist- I am thankful to have so much access to those priests that are so devoted to making sure that even in the distance we are nurtured and we are spiritually fed.  I have tried to join virtual services and to not let this Lent go without its solemnity.  Even so, I miss community, I miss being able to go into a church and sit in a pew and pray, I miss the Sacraments and I miss the Eucharist…

Usually for Lent, Catholics try to give some things up to remind us of the great Sacrifice our Lord made for us, to spiritually unite with Him, to elevate our prayer life through austerity.  Yet, this season of Lent we had to give up things that none of us had counted on giving up and I don’t know about you- but being in the house (as much as I love my home) away from the people and things that fill my life has been challenging.  And I know that I have it easy because so far this quarantine hasn’t affected me financially like it has so many others.  Yet, I do feel the pains of the restriction of freedoms I normally take for granted. 

I am bipolar and sometimes I get these moments of severe anxiety and usually what helps me is to seek refuge in a church. I enjoy sitting in a pew.  Sometimes I pray, but most 

of the time I just sit there in silence enjoying the sun shining through stained glass windows, the sounds of running water from the baptismal font and the images of saints that surround me.  Beyond the Sacraments this is the little luxury that I miss the most- the ability to flee into the nave of a parish seeking refuge from my anxieties.  I’ve always thought that as Catholics we had it good because we could go into a church at anytime during the day and the doors would be open to come in.  Whether services were going on or not Catholic churches are always open for people who like me find refuge sitting in a pew on non-operational hours.  Through all of this I am learning how I take so many things for granted and in being forced to give up so much that I wasn’t planning on giving up this Lent I find comfort offering my small sufferings to God, for I know He will redeem them.     

Virtual Life

These last couple of weeks have been full of change and for most of us change is difficult.  Change takes us out of our comfort zone and makes us vulnerable.  I had to start teaching from home, from one day to the next I was expected to open my home to all of my students and all of the staff.  On here I have mentioned that one of my weaknesses is opening my home to people especially those that I don’t know well enough.  I wasn’t asked if I would be ok with this, I was just asked to do as I was told.  From day one our VP was like I want everyone on camera and I was freaking out!  In fact, I had a little breakdown before I made peace with the need to go on virtually to support my kids.  I had to learn all these new gadgets and how to perform my job entirely on a different platform.  I hated that everyone was like, “Now that you have more time enjoy…” because I don’t have more time.  Sometimes I feel like I have less time because like many - I am performing an entirely different job…

While validation from my colleagues has helped me understand that the stress and also the vulnerability that I feel is mutually shared- what has helped me get through this most has been the work of priests going virtual too.  I love that I get to pray the rosary, attend the Stations of the Cross, go to Adoration and simply hear and see them online telling me that all is well.  Yesterday, I was listening to Relevant Radio while I worked and thought of earlier days when families would gather around the radio to listen to broadcasts just as I was doing.  Technology can help us form community.  This week I joined two chats with friends and it was such a blessing to be able to see each other and share even during quarantine. It’s weird to say this, but we are so fortunate that this quarantine happened during a period in time when we have access to so much technology.

This week I resumed my classes and I only had one absence! On the first day I asked my students if they wanted to meet virtually or if they just wanted to work through Google Classroom getting lessons and assignments from there and to my surprise, they all voted to have virtual class.  Their excitement to meet online transformed my thoughts on virtual teaching and now I am excited to get creative and offer the best service I can from my home.  I realized that they are at home, bored without their friends and coming to class they get to see their buddies and socialize.  During this time separated from each other we all need a beacon of hope as Pope Francis said we can’t be saved alone. Salvation is a communal process – we need each other to get to heaven.  So as I uncomfortably let new people into my home, I am so thankful for all the priests that are doing the same because while I crave for the Sacraments - for now virtual community will suffice.     

Franciscan in Waiting

We can’t always get what we want.

I have been trying to become a Secular Franciscan for some time now and it appears like Saint Francis is teaching me a lesson on humility.  The fraternity in which I am currently undergoing formation is not the most organized.  We lost our spiritual director, after Sister Miriam retired and moved to Hawaii.  Since, we have not been able to get a replacement. Not having a spiritual director means that my profession day is not insight and I am even stuck unable to move from one stage to the next in the process. In fact, I have been stuck in inquiry (even though I attend and work in formation diligently) for the duration of my formation.  Finally, a ray of hope, today, I was actually going to be interviewed by the fraternity leaders to move to the next stage in formation, but due to the quarantined that interviewed has been cancelled.

Last time I complained about my progression being put on hold, I was told to spiritually feel like I am still growing even if I can’t partake of the ritual just yet.  I know that Franciscan spirituality is about humility, not professions, of not focusing on garnering the title that officially unites me to the Secular Franciscan Order.  I’m trying really hard to not focus on the fact that I might be the longest person in formation before profession, but to the side of me that likes to accomplish goals it’s hard to accept that I keep getting denied something that my heart wants so much.  I’m uncontrollably stuck in limbo. When I was told that the meeting for my interview had been cancelled I really couldn’t help, but laugh because again I was being told to remain put.

This Lent has been one where I didn’t have to think of sacrifice with the world in crisis, I have been forced to sacrifice just like most of us have.  Who knows when I will get the opportunity to interview again, or when I will finally be able to make my profession… I could get angry, or give up, but this trial has me feeling like the many saints who wanted to join holy orders, but were denied and how hard they persevered.  Especially Saint Therese, the Little Flower, who due to her young age was denied and she just pressed on imitating Christ until eventually she entered the Carmelites.  I am doing what’s in my control and leaving to God what only He can control.

Being Prepared

It’s been an interesting week, while at the beginning the biggest hurdle was the thought of assimilating to the time change as the week progressed the fear of COVID-19 contagion escalated and everything was about staying sanitized.  I’ve never been one to lose my peace over the annual health scares, but as the week progressed and the fear of people continued to escalate – I realized that at times like this having a strong relationship with God really helps avoid panic.  Most of the preventative measures that are being taken around the country are for our safety.  It’s good to be prepared the Gospel tells us so.  I call to mind the “Parable of the Ten Virgins” who wait for their bridegroom, of the ten only five are prepared and thus rewarded.  During the Middle Ages this parable was extremely popular being the subject of many pieces of art.  The theme of being prepared for Judgement Day resonated with people of this time.  Today, in the culture of “Good Vibes,” death is not a popular subject; thus, when things out of our control happen, things that push us to stare death in the face there’s a rise to panic. 

On Tuesday, I was told that Antioch University was on the verge of closing down due to the pandemic and yesterday after teetertottering all day at work my school finally decided to shut down physically and work on staying open virtually.  Next week, we will have training on how to teach virtually because we are a non-traditional school and no pandemic will stop our kids from graduating!  While the whole virus situation hasn’t given me any anxiety the thought of going virtual has me on edge because we have a difficult student population that require constant coaching and from a virtual setting am not sure how successful they will be.  I also have a few kids who don’t own a computer or have internet access at home so next week all these worries will hopefully be addressed.  I hate change, just when I was beginning to find my groove at work, now I need to learn to teach in a different platform and one of my weaknesses is technology.  Computers have never been my friends.  

A friend texted me yesterday overwhelmed by the effects of the virus at her work and I thought how fitting that this is happening during a time of penance, when we take on discomfort and offer it up to the Lord.  A time when we reflect on the Passion of Christ on his agony and eventually our salvation.  Things might get more strange before scientist develop a cure, but I sure am happy that God is in my heart and that the lessons I learned during the light are guiding me during the night.

Community

I had to accompany my mom to get some medical tests this morning, so am running a little late.  This week, I want to write about community.  I am an introvert and though I value and even require time alone, I know that no woman is an island.  With the new job, my whole life changed in terms of the activities that I used to participate outside of my employment.  Usually, I get home daily at 7PM and have to address a puppy who is still in training so I had to put my religious activities on hold. Though my parents keep an eye on him during the day at night I need to be home to make sure he stays out of trouble because Francis is still in the destructive phase.  Fortunately, this last week I was able to go to some of the events that I used to attend (because of an early Spring Break) and I must admit that though praying alone has its merits – the power of doing so in community is immeasurable.

It took a few months of going without my community to realize that people who say that they can do Christianity alone or without a church are terribly wrong.  This past week of daily being in the presence of holy friends and my community filled me up so much.  I was able to ask people to intercede for my mom, have conversations with depths of meaning and just worship God with others.  Last Sunday, I went to a Maronite Gala and though it was a fundraising event, I got to learn so much from a group of people who have experienced first-hand persecution.  This particular day, they were celebrating the parish’s twenty-fifth anniversary and I got to hear about the many migrants who left Antioch because of religious persecution.  Many of the people present only spoke Lebanese, but I got to see how much they treasure their faith.  One girl was sharing how she tattooed the name of Jesus on her wrist, so that if she got taken she wouldn’t be able to deny her faith.  The testimonies I heard that day, along with the celebration of Christianity began a week of community in Christ.

On Tuesday, I went to my first Taize service.  Though I have been going to the Christ Cathedral regularly I had never been up to the Cathedral in the Sky because one can only go up through special invitation.  On Tuesday, a group of young adults were inviting people to come and worship.  The service began at seven-thirty at night, and we were fourteen floors above ground in a room surrounded by glass walls giving us such an amazing view of the lighted city.  The setting was perfect for the musical prayer night.  With only the help of candle light to illuminate our prayers, I felt so connected not just to the people in that room, but the whole City of Orange.  There, I thought how important it is to be part of the Church and to be able to gather together to pray and worship our God- to thank him and to beg for His assistance.  I felt so fortunate to be able to partake in this activity that fed my spirit that fed my faith.

On Friday, I went to the first Stations of the Cross Service then went to a different parish for a night of immersion into God’s Word accompanied by music.  The parish was packed and again I though how fortunate I am to have these opportunities to join community.  To see and hear people I respect motivate us to continue or journey of Lent and to leave behind those things that weigh us down.  I thought to myself, I am actually in a pretty peaceful place in my life right now- but what I want to take on my journey this Lent is community.  I know that my work schedule makes it almost impossible to participate in these faith building activities, but I am no island I need nights with others worshiping God and knowing that I am not alone in my faith journey.  Though I probably won’t have the time or energy to do as many things as I did before, this week I realized how much I missed community and am hoping that in the coming weeks of Lent I will work on finding how to incorporate these moments of communion outside Sunday Mass.          

Jesus Refill

What a difference a week makes…

Ever since I started working this new job, I have been praying constantly.  First the prayers were about God giving me the abilities to perform my duties even with bipolar.  Then, they were about the goals that I had to accomplish as part of my job.  Until they became about interceding for my students.  I don’t think there has been a moment in my life where I have been so dependent on prayer. My hour commute each way gives me the opportunity to reflect and to ask God for very specific things that I know my kids are struggling with.  These moments of prayer have made a huge difference in my life and in my relationship with God.  Everyday I am witness to the small miracles that these prayers bear fruit to and I thank God for His providence.

Every week I get new students and last week I received a girl with severe anxiety and she had a major meltdown on her first appointment with me.  She felt like there were too many people and the close proximity in which we work with each other made her panic.  After she left that day, I was thinking that she wasn’t going to return, but I prayed for her because I have my own battles with anxiety and I totally can relate with the stress a new situation can produce.  The school psychologist changed her appointment to the afternoon when things at the center are much more-quiet and my girl returned and by the end of the week, she wished me a happy Spring break and I think I even saw a hint of a smile.  I think in this line of work, these small victories are signs of God’s presence.

Technology is also great, I had a student that was out last week and he’s one of those teens that rarely says a word, but I noticed when he returned to class that he was not my normal quiet kid.  So, I sent him a message and told him that I had noticed he wasn’t his usual self and that I was sending him an air hug in addition to being available for him to vent.  The following day, he stayed after class and told me that his mom had been hospitalized, but that she was doing much better.  Again, getting him to trust me enough to tell me his struggles was a such a big moment.

Last time I was a high school teacher I was in so much need that I didn’t have enough to give my kids and I think that’s why I failed as a teacher.  Now, I not only have my health back, but I have a faith that has taught me that life is more than just about me and that there are lessons of greater importance than teaching grammar.  Jesus’ ministry teaches us about the importance of servitude, of helping each other out as if we are a community of brotherhood.  In every interaction, I try to show my kids and those that I work with a living Jesus one full of love and a willingness to serve.  Some days I feel exhausted when I leave the school for the day, but then during that drive home I have a moment with God and He never fails to refill me with more of Him.  In these moments I pray like I have never done before and I feel for once in my life the power of prayer (smile).    

Bring Me Back in Focus

You can’t blame the actions of a person in mourning. Death makes the strongest vulnerable and only time can bring the tide of normalcy once again.  This past week has been challenging, things that normally don’t push me off balance have made transitioning to life after grandma difficult.  I dropped my cell phone in Francis’ water bowl and didn’t realize this until two hours after, damaging my phone.  After days of letting it air dry, I was forced to order a new one.  Due to the damage, my phone navigation had some issues and I got lost making me thirty minutes late to a training that I had to attend.  I am one of those people that always shows up early so that I can choose my seat and just get acclimated with my surroundings before all the people show up this helps my anxiety.  Then I had an allergic reaction and my upper lip puffed up making me look like I had a bad Botox job.  My first day back to work, I got a mew student with severe anxiety and possibly trauma that was crying and refused to sit at her assign seat.  I had to have someone cover while I went outside with her and the school psychologist to calm her panic. 

Normally these bumps in the road don’t affect me as much, I am able to center myself in prayer and get through the day.  However, with the emotional instability of losing a loved one I am more sensitive and these small challenges seemed a whole lot bigger and I couldn’t stop and have a moment to breathe because my schedule was so impacted.  My coworker asked me if I was going to see a doctor about my puffy lip and I told her that I didn’t have time.  That’s how all of last week felt like I was rushing and just trying to survive each day with the added stress of little things going wrong.  Even looking towards the weekend was not alleviating, since I had been scheduled to work Saturday school.  Somehow, working Saturday school was a blessing because I got a lot done and now, I am caught up at work.

Having only one day for myself made a difference and I was able to order a new phone yesterday.  My lips are back to their normal size and my outlook on life much more positive.  Sometimes, I needed to withdraw and just be by myself in order to find peace.  I went to my sanctuary (the dog park) and watched as my pup played with many dogs and the happiness, he felt was contagious.  I find myself with a stupid smile when I am there admiring God’s beauty all around me and His beauty gives me the will to go on.  Even if things are challenging my peace, I can run to Him to help place me back in focus and there among a group of pups I find my antidote.

     

Learning to Trust God in Prayer

Yesterday morning I met with a group of girls for our monthly bible study.  I really enjoy the discussions that get initiated and the fellowship.  We always begin by checking in, just sharing how life has been since the last time we met.  I was sharing how these past months I have been trying something different I have been praying for myself.  An aside, I struggle with prayer mostly the petition type.  I have no trouble interceding for others, but when it’s about asking God for something for myself, I get doubts that He might not be listening. 

Anyway, these past months I have been praying daily about things that normally I would be too sensitive about presenting to the Lord.  A month after I started my new job, my boss sat with me to develop three goals for this academic year.  As I have been sharing the transition back to teaching has been challenging- but I have really noticed how prayer has facilitated the change.  I have been praying for my goals and I have been noticing how this practice has began bearing fruits.  For example, the school where I work at, we have the problem of just getting the kids to come to their regular instruction times.  Yet, I have noticed that we lack a social component, a place for kids to come and make friends.  So, I decided to take on the challenge of starting a club to meet the social and emotional component that our cite lacks. 

I was told that many other teachers have tried starting such a club without success because kids don’t want to come in extra for a club.  Well, I started praying about it and then I asked some of the support staff if they’d be interested in helping me out.  We were just in the process of brainstorming- when one of my kids asks me if she can begin a debate club.  So far, she has enrolled eleven other students!  I seriously hadn’t began to advertise it and already there’s a good amount of kids interested!  This past week when she came over to me with her list of students, all I could think about was how prayer does work! Even the prayer where we are asking God for personal help.  I have heard that God does these sorts of things to show us His power and to help us earn His trust. 

Once a week, I stop by the basilica to spend time with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and I have been presenting these types of prayers to Him.  I go say hello, ask him for his assistance then I begin my day of work.  Many of the prayers that I have been talking to him about I have been noticing His hand at work and I am beginning to think that He really does listen and provides for us according to His will.