Life Unexpected

I like watching some reality TV shows, most recently “Hoarders Buried Alive.”  Most of the hoarding can be attributed to trauma, death of a loved one or having lived in poverty growing up.  I find it so interesting how people deal with life.  When I was growing up, I always wondered how people just gave up.  I worked at Big Lot’s during college and my boss was severely overweight.  She once shared that she wasn’t always big, that in fact she used to be quite active and relatively small- but that her troubled marriage pushed her to find comfort in food.  I was just out of high school and I judged my boss poorly, judging how she allowed herself to get so big instead of addressing the issues in her marriage.  Each episode on Hoarders has people that medicate through accumulating stuff.  It’s so interesting to witness each person’s story, to learn how trauma in their lives led them to find comfort in obsessive behavior. 

While I am not a hoarder, I do see in my life how I also have addressed situations in my life with unhealthy behavior.  After my brother died and after having a mental break-down I lost a lot of my discipline.  Before I used to have so many goals and the will power to follow through.  Yet, after going through the most difficult experiences of my life – my point-of-view changed to just plain survival.  My priorities changed from accomplishment and career success to spending more time with my loved ones because I was terrified of not enjoying them while I had them.  It’s also been about stuffing myself with food when I feel anxiety instead of finding healthier ways to deal with it.  I try to not always give in to the fatigue related with bipolar, but these past years I have led quite a sedimentary life.

Initially when I had my break-down I was reading about mental health and I remember that statistically it takes years to recover from both a loss and a mental breakdown.  I didn’t want to believe it, but now I see that healing takes time.  Though we weren’t placed on earth to be successful – it’s hard to think of all the schooling that I had and to find myself in the situation I am in.  It’s hard to accept that situations out of my control have had such a drastic effect in my life, but just as the many people getting help on the hoarders show – I see that it’s never too late to make small changes to get back on track.  When I had my mental breakdown, I used to ask God why instead he didn’t take one of my legs or arms- something physical instead of my mental pain.  People can see physical injuries and be more accepting than with pains that are invisible to the eye.  Yet, this is my cross – the situation that can bring me closer to God if I allow it- my sanctification process.  On Saturday, my friend who has a mental disability was in town and I got to spend a few hours with him.  It’s always so nice to talk with him because we both struggle with our minds getting out of control sometimes, but we both try to live as normal lives as we can.  It was nice talking to someone about the job hunt and how the anxiety multiplies for people with mental disabilities.  He gave me some coping mechanisms- but I think the greatest form of encouragement is just knowing that I am not alone nor the only one that has added challenges.  Life can be cruel at times because it throws things into our lives that practically destroy us, leaving us trying to just plain survive; but our faith teaches us that all is not lost.  That suffering can be used to bring us closer to God and in the end that is the goal (smile).            

The Power of Gregorian Chant

A friend of mine was in town and wanted to visit San Juan Capistrano Mission.  No matter how many times I have been to this beautiful site, I always learn so much from walking the grounds.  We got to the chapel as the priests were praying beautifully in Gregorian Chant and my heart filled with the musical prayers.  The first time I heard Gregorian Chant was at my first retreat with an Old Catholic Church that I was attending and the sounds of old- did wonders in terms of healing and giving me an encounter with God.  The chanting took me back in time, back to the time Jesus walked the earth; but it also gave me a vision of what was to come.  I remember I wanted to know if my brother was in a good place, after committing suicide and I asked God with such strength to give me a sign that my brother was at peace.  And the Gregorian chant took me to a garden where I was embraced, sandwiched in between Jesus and my brother in a tight embrace.  This vision into the future gave me so much peace and something to look forward to.

Gregorian Chant carries so much power that every time I hear it, my heart immediately finds peace. Thus, arriving at the chapel as the father’s prayed was truly a blessing because no matter how many tourist toured the grounds for a moment I was lifted into the heart of God.  Since, I had been reading about the life of Saint Junipero Serra and his strong faith in leaving his familiar realm to evangelize the New World, I too craved for holiness and being surrounded by such heavenly sounds made this desire ever more possible.  I also like going to the Abbey where Gregorian Chant is prayed along with the Liturgy of the Hours by the extremely talented monks.  While the music is so lovely to hear, it has a power to quiet the mind to enter immediately into communion with God.

I had been carrying a few burdens and when I got to the chapel- I lit a candle for my intentions.  It’s still surprising how quickly God acts when I present my needs to Him.  I have also found that when one searches for Him, when one goes to be in His company – God is always found waiting for me.  Though I went on this morning retreat for my friend to site see, God used my time at the mission to strengthen me.  As I toured the mission so many witnesses of hope came to view that I knew that no matter my current challenges I have a God that is not frightened by the what appears impossible to me.  My time at the mission listening to the chanting, testimonies of faith, history of the mission or simply the sparrows singing filled me up.  It’s so important to recharge our batteries and going away to pray – even if it’s just for a few hours truly works miracles.

Growing Pains

I have been training my new pup and the biggest factor in getting successful results is establishing a routine.  It’s been difficult adjusting my life to include potty breaks, regular meals, training sessions, etc.  But after a few days of trying I have managed to stick to the new schedule and I am seeing great results in Francis.  Since I lost my job, it's been difficult establishing a routine since now my days are a bit unpredictable with the new activities that I have going on.  If I am not searching or applying for a job, working on my eBay store, going on interviews, restoring handbags I am found training my pup.  Sometimes I look at the clock and I can’t believe how fast time goes by.  Things change, no matter how much we want them to stay the same.  These changes challenge us to grow to continue maturing in every sense of the way; and we can either get stuck refusing to change or adapt- now I know why they call them growing pains. It’s uncomfortable to change because it means letting go of how things were in order to be open to receive the new gifts.

Francis is such a beautiful, playful boy; but, he’s not Dollar.  Yet, I can get stuck in wanting my canine in heaven or accept this new creature God has given me.  A wise teacher once told me that most people spend a lot of time wishing they could have what they lost instead of seeing what they still have: “people spend their days mourning over a loss of a loved one, instead of being thankful for those they still have in their lives.”  If I could live in the present thanking God for those I have and not lamenting over those I have lost – I would have a more thankful spirit.  Same in terms of things that I had and no longer do.  I lost my job, and much of the routine that went with it- but if I look at things in a positive light that just means that I have a blank canvas to continue writing my story.  Lament less, be thankful more.

A lot here has changed and I think that in dealing with all the change I have ignored some friendships and some hobbies.  Yet, the thing about friendship is that it understands that stuff happens and these changes are only opportunities to grow.  If a river remained stagnant it would smell and rot, but if it has a current though it changes it remains a healthy body of water.  Change sucks because it challenges us to grow, to move from the place we find ourselves to the unknown; but it also refreshes and excites the soul.  Everything changes, but just because it does it doesn’t mean that it’s for the worse; sometimes it comes with the opportunity to fortify our friendships.

When I Feel the Most Abandoned

I know that I have been a little negligent of my blog- I’ve had so many things on my mind because my family has been going through some trials.  Things that I cannot divulge without violating their right to confidentiality, but it seems like we are pulling through.  During this time, I have leaned on Saint Therese of Lisieux because she suffered quietly and gladly offering it all to God.  I have also asked for help, something that doesn’t come natural to me.  Yet, sometimes an outside voice can be heard when mine doesn’t resonate.  This has been the case in helping my brother.  I reached to our Jovenes Para Cristo community and they have helped him in ways that my family wasn’t able to.  Through this I have learned the importance of community in our faith journey, our brothers and sisters really do encourage our walk with the Lord- they can help us get back in the path when we’ve gone astray.  I couldn’t believe how quickly my community rose to the challenge of helping us, how gladly they offered to pray and to reach out.  This experience made it evident to me that when God said our faith is communal, He meant it as a gift to us.  For where two or more gather in His name miracles will occur!

I have also been experiencing some interior battles mainly dealing with disappointment.  Saint Therese wanted to travel to go on missions throughout the world sharing her faith with others, that was her great dream.  Due to health reasons she was confined to her bed and never left her native France, nevertheless instead of complaining or feeling defeated from her sick bed she prayed fervently for missionaries.  Her dream never came to fruition, but she turned her disappointment into prayer and sacrifice.  I have applied to several schools and had unsuccessful interviews – I have felt like a failure like I might never make it to teaching again- I have felt my dream been hit like a pinata from all angles.  Though I am doing very well financially with my eBay business, I feel incomplete without a normal job.  Though I am running an eBay store on a full-time basis the fact that it’s not your typical nine to five makes me wonder what people will say.  I wonder if people think that because I am unemployed, I am this lazy person that sits and vegetates on the couch all day.  Yet, I am earning the same amount that I was making when I was previously employed on my sales.  I think that I focus so much on what others will think of me that I don’t allow this disappointment to turn into a prayer of sacrifice.

Sometimes, I forget that not having rosy feelings all the time is ok, again I am afraid that people will question my faith based on the fact that I am not experiencing consolation.  Yet, many of the saints went through periods of dryness of not feeling God’s presence.  Saint Therese did not experiencing ecstasy during prayer, nevertheless she pressed on.  She didn’t allow the difficulty in prayer stop her from praying, in fact, she said:

“often when I cry to heaven for help it is when I feel the most abandoned.  But then I turn to God and His saints and thank them nevertheless.”     

Whether she felt immediate consolation or not Therese didn’t allow her feelings to cloud the truth.  At times I can throw the towel and think this is all meaningless, I try and try and get nowhere- I can surrender to my feelings of defeat, but when I am about to pull my white flag, God comes through to show me that all is not lost.  That though it’s ok to not always have rosy feelings as Christians we stand on the truth not emotions.  That when I cannot find immediate consolation, I must persist even if it seems like I get a little out of it. 

About a Dog: Meet Francis

My life has changed with the addition of one very cute pup.  Meet Francis, named after my favorite saint, Saint Francis of Assisi.  When I came back to the Catholic Church, I didn’t understand saints, I felt like they took the glory away from God and though I was explained various times that they are friends who intercede for us, I still wasn’t sold by the idea.  Then one day I discovered Saint Francis and our shared loved for animals and nature; thus, began a slow introduction into the lives of the saints.  The more I learn about Saint Francis and his Franciscan spirituality the more that I see the importance of the lives of the saints.  You see, in learning their personal testimony through their example we are led to Christ in a very personal way.  Recently I have become enamored by the writing of the saints, their words are so encouraging – they are like pieces of poetic prose that (to a word loving nerd like myself) just penetrate my soul.  Saint Francis has taught me that in following God, there's room for me to still have my own identity- something that I was terrified of losing...  

Back to Francis the pup, since this is his introduction, I just like to say that he in no way is filling the Dollar shaped void that my little canine in heaven left- but Francis sure is carving his own space in my heart.  My friends asked for the story on how Francis and I came together and while it’s not as interesting as my first encounter with Dollar (click here to read that story) it’s still the story of us.  I had been looking for a pup for a few weeks now, but I kept searching for Dollar in the animal shelter sites. I wanted a thirty-five-pound terrier just like Dollar- who I thought was the perfect size for me.  Then last week a friend from Saint Barbara Parish posted on Facebook that she was giving away five pups from a litter born to her dog.  I asked her if she had a male and how big they grew and before I knew it, I was driving home with my new six-week-old Shih Tzu covered in his sibling’s feces.  I got home gave him a bath, baptized him as Francis and we have begun puppy training.

After his first veterinarian visit and first round of vaccinations – I was given two thumbs up in terms of my pup’s health.  Francis is a sweet, curious boy experiencing the big world for the first time.  He loves the outdoors, following moving feet, zig-zagging through my dad’s plants, and sleeping on my head.  Currently he is a little over two-pounds- but will grow to seventeen or twenty pounds when full grown.  He’s teething so he loves chewing on things and putting everything in his mouth.  For this breed nipping can be a problem so am trying to train him to chew only his toys and not everything that he encounters.  He seems to love to bite toes a habit I am trying to break.  Though there are puppy schools, I want to train Francis myself since I did train Dollar, and he was such a good behaved dog.  Francis can’t go out until he’s about four months old, so for the time being he is bonding with his new pack.  I can’t wait to get him blessed this week and to continue making memories together for a long time to come.

Thoughts

I went on my first interview for a teaching position with a middle school that serves high risk kids.  It seemed like they already had someone in mind and were just going through the motions of interviewing others…  To be frank, I was relieved that I didn’t get the job.  The whole process brought with it tons of anxiety and feelings of doom that I used to get every time I tried giving teaching a chance.  I felt so overwhelmed, like I was opening a wound that I worked so hard to heal.  All these negative emotions and feelings of failure have exhausted me since. Am not sure where to go from here.  Since, I left my previous job, I have been courted by one of the competing companies, they are terribly interested in me going to work for them and now I am considering their offer. 

These past few years, I had been trying to get my Master Catechist Certificate because I had this desire to work for the Catholic Church.  I still do, even more now with the new sex curriculum that public schools need to implement.  So, am thinking that maybe I should take the mortgage job and continue seeking an opportunity within the Catholic Church.

I write these posts and let you into my life and sometimes I feel like sharing things every step of the way is over exposure because just because I write things down doesn’t mean that’s the way my life will go.  I have been watching this documentary about young girls that are incarcerated and I see how they sabotage their lives because they feel so unloved and like they don’t deserve any better.  They come from tumultuous homes where all the odds are set against them: parental abuse, neglect, drug and alcohol addiction, mental illness…  I see so much of myself in them because that’s where I came from, the only difference is that I had the unconditional support of my mother.  Yet, just because a person gets away from that chaotic atmosphere doesn’t mean that she leaves without deep scars and shadows.  I love an often miscited quote by Marriane Williamson where she expresses our biggest fear:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We are meant to shine, as all children do. We are to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I’ve come along way, but I still carry a lot of fears that I need to let go.  Am not sure if I will make it back to teaching or if as Saint Junipero Serra said, “siempre adelenate” and that path needs to be left in my past; but, no matter where I go, I know that I will continue to strive to shine my light and trust that God has a plan that is better than anything that I come up with. 

Learning to Love the Rosary

I used to hate the prayer of the rosary.  From a young age I equated it with death since funerals were the only place that I ever heard the recitation.  When my grandma on my mother’s side died, I was five-years-old.  The night she died, as the family prayed the rosary, I was taken by mom to say good bye to my grandma, and I remember being terrified of the dead body; yet, mom made me go up to it, kiss and say goodbye.  After, I remember sitting through the novena watching my mother cry and mourn her loss. At that impressionable age, I didn’t understand fully what was happening, I just saw the daily gathering of the pueblo women to recite these prayers that made mom cry.  For a young child, nine days seemed like an eternity and I just wanted the praying days to end so that I would return to my normal life where mom was happy.  When my brother died, a group of women also gathered in my home to pray a novena for his repose and again I chose to leave the house so that I wasn’t present during the prayers.  Every day, I would grab Dollar and off we would disappear. 

As I explored the Christian faith, I learned in the non-Catholic churches I attended that reciting prayers written by other people was unheard off, God wants to hear us “in our own words” was the message I received.  “He especially delights in the prayers of new Christians who are still so humble that they haven’t picked up cliché phrases to make their prayers sound better,” I was told.  Thus, I got really good at having conversations with God, of telling Him using my own language my needs and hurts.  However, in moments of true desolation, when I had nothing to say I found that something was lacking.  As I reverted to the Catholic faith, I realized that the prayer of the rosary really helped when I was speechless in the presence of God.  I saw in my Jovenes Para Cristo community that the rosary was not just prayed in funerals, but was a highly favored prayer by the Church with mysteries that were joyful and luminous too.  I heard it prayed with the accompaniment of music and in community and I began to understand its beauty and power.

In my family we never gathered to pray, even though my mother is a very devout Catholic, she usually would just step away daily to pray her rosary privately.  As I have gotten older, I try to live my best life now and this is how the idea of planning a one night a week family prayer gathering came to me.  This year has been a challenging one for my family and I, thus, I invited them all to a Thursday rosary prayer moment.  We have been gathering to pray the rosary for each of our needs now for a little over a month and I can already see blessings from these short prayer moments.  Sometimes our own words are insufficient and having a guide to help us be in communion with God is such a blessing.   We all gather and in one voice we praise God and leave our petitions at His feet knowing that He will provide for our needs.  Thursdays are the luminous mysteries, mysteries that fill us with hope - to see God in each of the mysteries and reflect on holy his life is so encouraging.  I have learned that the rosary is quite a perfect prayer not only perfect for funerals, and novenas, but also to pray daily as a source of sustenance and that’s what I am trying to pass onto my family- though I am pretty sure they already new that.

Taking the Time to Getaway

Father was sharing how Catholics don’t believe in retreats anymore.  He said that twenty-five percent of the people that used Serra Retreat Campus are professionals, twenty-five percent non-Christians, twenty- five percent protestants and only twenty-five percent Catholic.  I found his statistics a little shocking because I try to go on a weekend retreat once a year and I thought most Catholics did the same.  Though I have never paid attention, I think the retreat center is not the only one that struggles with getting Catholics to sign up.  At the Sacred Heart Retreat House in Alhambra, I’ve also seen the sisters over promote their campus to be able to run their home.  If one is new to the faith a retreat does sound a bit odd, and they can seem expensive because usually people think that all faith-based programs should be free.  Yet, the small fee goes into running the center so that we can all have access to beautiful places of worship where we can leave behind the world to encounter Christ.

I think that for me, my first retreat was the pivotal point in my faith journey.  At the time I was still very new to faith, I remember that I drove my car to Big Bear thinking if these people try to brain wash me, I will get in my car in the middle of the night and disappear.  Though I had a getaway plan- I never felt the need to use it, in fact when the retreat was over, I didn’t want to return to my life I craved to stay in the mountains with God.  In those mountain grounds, miracles occurred I had an encounter with God that began years of healing to come.  Every time I go on retreat – the same happens, I go up in need of His salvific waters and He never disappoints to give me drink.

This last retreat, my friend who is a quarter Papago Indian planned a prayer moment just for me.  In her culture labyrinths are used to show the journey through life with all the twists and turns.  She explained how we all have a path we must walk and how a block in the road is not seen negatively, but rather a way to direct our course towards the center.  The maze design symbolizes the choices we make in our journey through life.  In reaching the center we look back reflecting on all the choices that got us to there.  Usually people carry objects with them to leave at the center- she gave me a rock she painted and asked me to pray for all the things that I wanted to leave at God’s feet.  When I reached the center, she used a horn to call on the four winds.  I found this unique way of prayer to be so enlightening and enriching.  I always associated labyrinths with pagan worship, yet the way she introduced me to her culture I found so special.  God really transcends all human barriers.

Each retreat that I have been on has filled me with blessings.  It has fortified my faith and encouraged me in my path with God.  Thus, if you haven’t given yourself the opportunity to go on retreat, make the effort to leave behind all with the desire to encounter God.  He is patiently waiting.

Introverts and Expressing Emotions

When I was in fifth grade, I confided in a friend that I liked this boy.  While I trusted that she would keep it to herself, she went and told the boy.  After learning about my feelings, this boy chased me into the girl’s bathroom shouting that he didn’t like me back including some not very nice things.  I have always been a sensitive person, an introvert to the core and having such a public display of rejection traumatized me for life.  So, if I had crushes, I kept them to myself for fear of this reoccurring.  I excelled in keeping my emotions hidden, so much so that I am certain none of the guys I’ve liked have ever had the slightest suspicion of my attraction.  I saw friends catching men’s attention and smiling when they locked eyes- I saw them getting drinks bought and finding relationships and even though I frequented the same pubs I never left with anyone’s number.  I was too afraid or maybe too proud to dare lock eyes with anyone.

Late in college after too many drinks I asked a guy why I wasn’t getting approached, "am I that unattractive," I spilled.  He looked deeply at me and said, "guys don’t approach you because all of you screams "don’t come my way." You sit at the bar without smiling or ever look at the direction of a man to express interest.  Guys need a little encouragement to take a leap your way.  They need to know that they can come towards you with low odds of rejection."  Though I pondered at his advice, I found that somehow, I was damaged that way- that my fear of rejection prohibited me from showing any sign of interest… 

Fast-forward to today, I am still terrified of rejection, but my faith is teaching me to set aside that fear because if I am interested in someone, I have to express that interest to motivate him and vice versa.  Lately, I’ve had a lot of time to pray and God is showing me that my worth is given to me by Him; thus, if I get rejected, I am not any less me.  I am not any less valuable.  He’s also slowly filing away insecurities and showing me how showing interest looks on me.  And going to a bar, locking eyes and smiling is not my thing because I don’t want flings, I want a friendship that will hopefully turn into more.  Yet, even in a friendship there has to be little signs of encouragement otherwise as Pablo Neruda beautifully put it:

“If little by little you stop loving me / I shall stop loving you little by little / If suddenly you forget me / do not look for me for I shall already forgotten you”     

I love this poem because it expresses so beautifully that any type of relationship depends on both parties investing in one another.  In showing each other interest.  The friendship thrives when both parties give of one another.  I also love it because the narrator captures a possible end with hope, not crumbling in pain:

"I shall lift my arms / and my roots will set off / to seek another land"

 Siempre adelante, trusting in God's plan.  Our faith shows us that even for introverts like me have difficulty expressing interest, through the fostering of friendship one can slowly let those barriers down, confident in God's plan for our lives.

Manifestations of God in My Life

After my RCIA end of the year bash, I went to Mass at Holy Spirit Parish to unite with the Church in celebration of Pentecost, the birthday of our Catholic Church.  I was able to witness for the first time in my life (on this Feast Day) fourteen people being Confirmed; thus, being fully initiated into the body of Christ.  In all my life, I had never had the honor to be present during a confirmation ritual on Pentecost.  Witnessing this holy moment in the lives of my brothers and sisters- reminded me and my life and the third person of the trinity.  From the very beginning of my reversion- the Holy Spirit has been the force that has changed my life and inspired my mind and heart to an ongoing conversion.

Pope Francis constantly speaks about the importance of an encounter with God in the lives of believers.  For me the Holy Spirit has been the one that has always led me to Christ.  When my brother was dying in the ER, I went outside and was sitting on the curb outside begging God for a sign of His existence.  It was a muggy day and all of the sudden this great, misty wind shook the leaves of the trees and enveloped me in the tightest embrace.  It was a different type of wind, one that took with it my hopelessness and began a fire deep within me.  At the time I had no knowledge that biblically the wind is synonymous with the Holy Spirit, it took me awhile to learn that God comes to us in creation – sometimes through a powerful gust of wind.  Since, I have had these moments when I am in deep prayer and I feel His wind surround me- and it comes in areas where wind just doesn’t make sense.  In an enclosed space without air conditioning, on a hot day when everything is still, in the small, confined chapel… 

It happens most often when I need a spiritual reboot, when things are going crazy and I am fighting so hard to not lose my peace. Things here have been quite challenging lately and not because I am looking for a job, but because those I love are facing critical moments in their lives and I can’t do anything to alleviate their pain other than to prayerfully be present.  Yet, when I am becoming overwhelmed, I turn to God and He always lets me know that He is with me.  Sometimes, I kneel to pray and close my eyes so that I can better concentrated- I disclose the state of my heart and when I really need it, I feel this cool wind surround me.  These manifestations tell me He is with me, that I am not alone and that my troubles too shall pass.  It’s as if I am Popeye receiving a can of spinach that my skin absorbs until my inner most being has a strength only activated by God.  I the rational- who constantly seeks proof to grow in my faith – believe wholeheartedly that Christ left us the Paraclete to guide and inspire; to love and to strengthen…  That’s probably why I love Pentecost Sunday- because on that day the whole Church felt His power and through it the world changed forever.