Perfect Love Casts Out Fear

Since the fall of man there has been disputes in relationships, Adam blamed God for giving him the woman who seduced him into temptation and Eve blamed the serpent- neither took responsibility for his/her actions.  Gone was the perfect relationship that God had blessed the two with and now because of sin they felt fear and shame.  Since then, this fear and shame threatens all new relationships whether it be friendship, boyfriend-girlfriend, husband-wife…  As we begin to open ourselves to a new person there’s three fears that we all encounter.  First, the fear of being seen as I really am, especially those traits that I consider my weaknesses.  Those traits that even I don’t like in myself or accept and those areas that are works in progress.  This fear of exposure makes me want to keep my distance or to hide because to be seen as I really am and then be rejected will inflict great pain.  Yet, for a friendship to grow or any other type of relationship there needs to be this mutual undressing of self, this mutual revealing of our true, honest, authentic selves.  Though shame can makes us want to keep our distance because it brings negative side effects (like nervousness, fear of embarrassment and humiliation and makes us more self-conscious) we must overcome these negative emotions asking God to give us His courage and strength.  Second, there’s the fear of disapproval and this makes us defensive and critical. "Before you reject me, I will reject you," is the typical mentality.  This fear that because we disagree you will run for the hills makes me hold back and during weaker moments, retaliate.   This fear leads to the fear of losing control and makes us demanding, my way or the highway is the common attitude.  The question is why am I afraid to show you who I am?  Rejection.  Though I love myself and am learning to make peace with my current weaknesses and have hopes of becoming a better me in the time to come - rejection can have quite a paralyzing effect.  It’s as if the new relationship brings with it a mirror that constantly shows me my flawed reflection, my insecurities and inexperience…  It takes courage to make it past all these fears, and it also takes a lot of God, for perfect love casts out all fears.

The antidote to these insecurities brought by new relationships is to learn to live in God’s love for where God’s love is present no fear is found- Perfect love casts out fear.  The closer I get to God the more I will rid myself of fears and insecurities.  The shame will diminish or be healed and in its place confidence in myself and in God will grow.  As I begin to figure out how God loves me I will be able to love others as He loves me.  In fact He tells us, “This is my commandment, that you should love one another as I have loved you.”  And how does God love us?  First, He completely accepts us, which means that if we are rejected by another person we will always have God to heal us, to help us start again and most importantly to love us.  This dependence on God enables our relationships with others to be healthy and not codependent.  Sometimes we think if I was perfect everyone would like me, but Jesus was perfect and not everyone liked him.  Yet, he didn’t depend on the love of others for his happiness or self-identity - he leaned on God when he felt weak and vulnerable and God never failed him.  Secondly, God loves us unconditionally meaning that no matter the rotten sinner we are right now or the holiest of saints He loves us equally, constantly and forever- as much today as He will tomorrow.  Thirdly, we are forgiven.  As Pope Francis said, “The lord never tires of forgiving (us).  It is we who tire of asking for forgiveness.”  Lastly, to God we are extremely valuable.  Value depends on who owns it and what someone is willing to pay for it.  We belong to God and He paid for us with the life of his Son, Jesus Christ! 

"Love never stops being patient (it extends grace), never stops believing (always has faith), never stops hoping (always expects the best) and NEVER gives up (endures the worst)."

It makes me so happy to think of the complete way that God loves me, but when I think that that’s how I need to love others it overwhelms me.  I need to completely accept others, love them unconditionally, always forgive them and never forget their value.  Those are difficult orders.  That’s why every morning we need to surrender our hearts to God.  I need to ask Him to come into my heart and cast out my fears and to help me give that same love He gives me to others and to do it consistently not just when I feel like it.  Sometimes I don’t want to post anything on Facebook, but I think that routine usually communicates that all is well so I do it thinking of you.  It’s my way of doing what Mother Teresa said, “Do small things with great love.”  Consistency is huge in earning trust.  After we surrender our hearts to God we must remind ourselves how God loves us. Let's recall daily, God loves us completely, unconditionally, with never ending forgiveness and we are most valuable to Him.  Then we must offer that same love to others.  Just like God loves us we must love everyone and as we begin to change our focus on loving and not how others love us we begin to free ourselves of fear and shame.  As we begin to love others the way God loves us we give others an opportunity to respond to that offering.  How they respond ultimately should not devastate us because we will always have God.  I love Pope Francis specifically because I see this manifestation of God’s love in him and through him.  During the special on 20/20, “The Pope and the People,” there was this moment where He speaks to a Texas nun and he laughs and says very jovial (in Spanish), “I don’t think a Pope is supposed to say these things, but sisters I love you so much!”  We can learn so much from our Papa Francisco!    

*Some of the ideas taken from a talk given by Rick Warren.

Using Our Intellect in Loving God

Words have always been my weakness.  I remember when I was very young if I heard a good quote my skin would get covered in goosebumps.  Books became my security, my passage to hopeful lands away from the daily struggles that one faces in poverty.  To this day words excite, inspire and move me.  I think that’s why I love the Bible so much because they are God’s words to me!  Yet, sometimes I get really excited when I read books that I forget to cross reference the material that I read with God’s truth.  In these posts I think you have noticed that sometimes I write things in moments of high inspiration and sometimes after I have sat awhile really thinking things through and how they fit my personal faith and how they compare to God’s truth - I cringe at my posts.  But then I think this is a blog about my daily journey with God and the thoughts expressed today- tomorrow I hope will be more developed and more consistent with God’s truth.  Thus, whatever I write about here I am open for discussion- I am not one of those people that has to be “right” even when I am wrong.  Dialogue is important for our spiritual growth.  Anyway, on Saturday I spoke with a woman who was selling Catholic books at the conference and she talked to me a little about Richard Rohr.  She said that she only carried certain books of his because some of his more current books are a bit what she called “out-there.”  I was surprised to hear this especially because the first book of his I read I felt so moved by it.  Yet, at the same time I thought if a priest can be controversial and maybe even get things wrong in matters of faith that means that I really need to cross reference everything in light of God’s truth and be more vigilant about the things that excite me.

God created us to live in community for many reasons, but one big reason is because he wants us to work together at not allowing ourselves to be deceived.  He tells us straight out be vigilant, “watch out for the false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves.” Am not saying that Richard Rohr is a false prophet, I still love his writing and his thoughts.  His book really has helped me a great deal and I plan on reading a few more of his writings.  The point I am trying to make is that before we get excited and act on the ideas of another we need to ask some questions.  How are these ideas representing God’s truth?  What does this say about my Christian faith?  Is this consistent with the teachings of the church?  God gave us intellect because He wanted us to use it.  He wanted us to choose Him knowingly through careful use of our freewill.  He gave us friends, family and church community so that together we would guide each other towards truth.  As much as I value my friends, family and church community I want and pray that God sends me a man firm in his faith so that he will help and guide me.  I am still such a novice to Catholic doctrine and tradition; thus, a good partner in crime would benefit me greatly (smile).  I want someone who will challenge me and help me grow with great love and patience.  I want someone who will guide me, especially when words inspire me in such powerful ways that I forget to cross reference them to God’s truth.  As strong as I might appear- I am really needy.  Needy in the sense that I can’t walk alone to heaven I need an army and hopefully a general that will lead the way.  I want a good Catholic man to help me strive for heaven while enjoying our earthly journey.   In the same way, I want to help my man get there too.  I might still be a babe learning to crawl in matters of faith, but that means that I have a long way to grow.

Deep faith and a committed life to God and the church is what attracts me to a man.  There’s nothing more stunning than God radiating in the life of a man.  And boy, you are hot!  I know that you might need to explain your jokes to me at first and might need to teach me a great deal on tradition, the saints, Catholic prayer among other things, but I hope you’re up for the challenge.  I will try to be a good student with a lot of questions and commentary that will also inspire your growth.  I’ve always pictured heaven as a university where we worship God through learning more and more about Him- it’s the nerd in me - can't help my love for learning (smile).   

Conflict Means We are Growing

I went to a Catholic Conference this Saturday.  I arrived a bit angry and hurt to the event so much so that as praise and worship began I thought, "God, I can’t sing right now."  During part of the morning my harden heart began to become more and more receptive to God’s love.  I listened to three consecutive, phenomenal talks by three priests and by the end of the third my heart had been penetrated by God’s mercy and love.  The last priest I listened to brought his very used Bible and quoted scripture easily, he talked about the verse “forgive them Lord, for they know not what they are doing.”  Jesus’ wisdom never ceases to outstand me.  Sometimes we want people and our experiences to be perfect and free from conflict and problems.  Yet, as we enter new experiences as we brave new, untraveled territory in our lives, Jesus’ lasts words on the cross really are comforting (literally).  It’s ok to make mistakes especially when we don’t know what we are doing.  Many people let the fear of making mistakes keep them from some of the most wonderful experiences God wants to give us.  Yet, love (like God on the cross) always expects the best in and as is patient with the other.  Jesus’ could have condemn us, but instead excuses our sin as ignorance, “forgive them Lord, for they know not what they are doing.”  If he’s able to forgive and excuse our shortcomings and ignorance, so must we do the same.

Later that night, I went to a beautiful healing service and there my heart continued to soften.  When we have conflict with another person, especially in the initial stages of a friendship when trust is beginning to be shared and formed the enemy will take every opportunity to attack us.  The powers of darkness will whisper loudly that we are not good enough, that something is wrong with us, that our friend no longer cares about us during the disagreement.  All lies that when one is vulnerable can sound quite true.  Yet, conflict is essential for growth.  Mohandas Gandhi said, “Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.”  In order for a friendship to mature it must endure trials and deeper revelations of one another.  One thing that must remain ever present, that we must always carry in our hearts is that disagreements are never a rejection of the other.  While parents might not agree with many things their children do or the opinions they hold no matter the difference what reigns above all and is unshaken is the love they have for their children.  Similarly, God loves us even if He disagrees with our opinions and actions at times.  He loves us regardless and believes the best in and for us.  We are told to imitate God, thus we too must be patient with one another and trust that no matter the disagreement the love between the two doesn’t change.  In new relationships sometimes we doubt that the other person cares when we messed up or had a disagreement, this insecurity can be very painful.  But as time passes and we face together these moments of trial - trust in each other will grow and though problems will continue to arise we will rest in the knowledge that no matter the problems love prevails and is constant.  Just because we disagree doesn’t mean I no longer care about you.

As a friendship grows there’s also this need for the other person- this doesn’t mean that you are needy.  With greater affection a need for one another begins to grow and that can be scary and bring feelings of insecurity because when we need another we feel vulnerable.  Slowly and organically this need will be satisfied in our togetherness and as trust is built that fear and vulnerability will fade.  Love is for the courageous, we cannot be wimps, thus we must constantly pray for God’s help and strength.  Little by little, day by day with God’s help we will get through these uncomfortable stages.   

Little by Little

Yesterday, I went to confession and I was thinking how sometimes I am quicker to make amends with a person that I have hurt and usually not so quick to go to confession and ask God for forgiveness when I know that I have sinned against Him.  It’s hard going into the confessional because there’s always this out-of-place fear that the priest will condemn me for my transgressions.  Though I have received nothing but love in the confessional I still have a hard time going in with the complete trust that God will be quick to forgive me.  Sometimes when I really need some encouraging advice the priest through the grace of the Holy Spirit will tell me exactly what I need to hear.  Yesterday, was one of those occasions.  After I listed my sins, the priest took the time to talk to me and help me correct some of the sins I tend to repeat again and again.  Very lovingly he gave me my penance, and absolution but also a wealth of wisdom to implement in my daily life.  The past two days I have talked about the stages of falling in love and in some areas of my relationship with God I am still very much in the initial stages.  I take steps back when things don’t go my way and despair thinking that God won’t help me that He doesn’t care.  It’s a matter of trust and sometimes my doubts get so big that I wonder if He truly exists.  They are momentary, dark thoughts that quickly pass, but oh how I wish that I didn’t get them.  Father suggested that I be more thankful.  As he started listing the many things that I take for granted I realized that I need to daily thank God for all the things and people that I take for granted- doing this will help me see the abundance that my life is and the generosity of God.  My thoughts need to be trained and focused on God and what He is doing in my life right now - not the things that I am praying He will do and grant soon.  My petitions need to be left in His hands trusting that in His time He will grant them according to His will.  

I am thankful because I am discovering that in a matter of two, both people need to equally invest and slowly commit themselves.  In the stages of initiation both the man and the woman need to actively participate.  It’s a mutual self-giving.  In the many books that I have read on courtship they state that the man must initiate, but I am discovering that the woman has an active role in the initial process too.  She helps and encourages the man so that he won’t be going into foreign territory alone, but together they will confront the uncomfortableness of the steps of initiation.  He leads and she responds by following.  I once read that it’s important for the man to make the decisive moves so that when she doubts his love she will be comforted by those brave actions he made in which he chose her.  All it takes is one moment of courage and if she likes you she will accept your loving action and respond positively.  I know things in real life are not as clear cut as they are in courtship books, because life is a little a messy, but together we can do great things…  Going from single to a relationship is overwhelming, but going from single to slowly cultivating a friendship that’s a comfortable pace to begin. I am thankful because though things have changed since Biblical times and courtship is quite a new engagement I feel like I am finally making some progress in understanding how it works.  While books put all the pressure on the man and for a really long time I believed the woman’s role was to wait passively, now I know that women must wait actively. Praying and showing through actions that she’s interested, always encouraging the object of her affections to approach her.  This is hard for introverts (to reveal their feelings of attraction for another), but with prayer and God’s courage we can learn and develop ways to drop the barrier long enough to be a helper.

The Public Version :)

Am thankful for time because through its passage God gives us gifts when we are ready to receive them as to not overwhelm us.  Little by little, like the tortoise we will finish the race and with patience it will be an enjoyable journey. Ask God to help you see His blessings in all situations so that with a grateful spirit you can thank and rejoice in Him... 

Four Stages of Love Part II

Continued from yesterday (Four Stages of Love Part I)...

Stage Four: Is perfect union between the couple and God, “they are the clearest incarnation of Jesus in space and time.  They do only what they hear God saying.  They are known for what God is known for… They are not just positively dependent on one another, but now they are interdependent and together facing the world.”  Together they face trials and discover a unity deeper than momentary differences because God is working in them and through them.  They are aware that growth happens slowly with the passage of time and wisdom, for saints do not happen overnight it’s a lifelong process; thus, they cultivate godly patience.  “Stage four is what the saints are made of and what the world so desperately is longing to see,” authentic Christians united under one common good, love.  Though both people need to be close to God’s authoritative role, they want to be near Him because He creates life in the two allowing for “Jesus to come out from them.”  In His presence they grow strong.  “Those with (God’s) inner authority draw life from within because there is life within- not just laws and principles, duties, or fears, but life.  And they know that what wisdom has taught them: You can only build life.”  They do not attribute this life to themselves, but are insistent that it’s a gift and are anxious to give it away to others because they know, “it cannot be earned, diminished or hoarded. It’s not theirs.  They do not possess it as much as it possesses them.”  God teaches and gives the two the ability to love deeply to believe in each other and gives them a true spirit of servanthood.  All these gifts are meant to be shared in the family and in community at large.  What begins as a union of two people with God has a greater purpose and that is to reach and serve the world.  To become a family within a community that both can serve.  I once read that children are God’s way of making lovers less selfish, because when two people come together there’s a desire to keep that love to themselves instead of sharing it - and children bring an opportunity to share that love.  God has great plans for people in love, reaching the marriage vocation is not the end, but only the beginning of a mutual process of sanctification.  Our love story doesn’t end as Hollywood romantic comedies with a big wedding feast, they BEGIN with sacramental marriage.  For God will challenge us until we reach heaven to grow and mature in our faith, love and trust.  His plan is one of constant renewal and an adventure that I hope love finds me worthy of embarking with my one and only (smile).

“We probably will go through these stages many different times in our love life and in many different ways. But once we have experienced and chosen at least a stage-three existence, I doubt that we could ever be satisfied with an ongoing stage-one or stage-two response.”  After we have discovered true love and formed a strong union- as exciting and emotionally powerful as the initial steps of falling in love are there’s nothing more beautiful than the real deal.  Yet, as we are navigating through the initial steps of falling love, we must learn to enjoy the present experience because every stage has its beauty, its wonder and also its challenges that will bring us closer and move us along our very own unique journey of love (smile).  The four steps together of falling in love (as taken from Richard Rohr) can seem quite intimidating, but remember that it’s a process that takes years, decades an entire lifetime because saints don’t happen overnight.  Friendship is a great beginning rushing to the finish line is not wise.  Patience as always in this process is a virtue that rejoices with small advances forward.  And when traveling with a friend, we are no longer alone not even during the uncomfortable beginning stages and that’s pretty comforting (smile).
 

Four Stages of Love Part I

I have read many books on Christian courtship, which all have been helpful to some degree, but the way that Richard Rohr describes falling in love with God really is a model that we can follow in our relationships with others.  Rohr describes four stages of falling in love with God that every believer goes through and while I was reading his descriptions I realized that the steps can also be applied to human love.  There’s a process that we all go through in falling in love with another that begins with excitement, wonder and dream that gets challenged as our true selves are revealed and concludes with choosing to love one another honestly with true acceptance –weaknesses and all, choosing to see one another through God’s merciful, loving eyes and to become family while aiming to reach the kingdom of heaven together.  

Stage One:  Is the beginning of love; that usually involves powerful feelings of fervor and euphoria that generally don’t last long.  It’s a time of wonder and a time when we become excited about what the dream does for us, what the other brings out in us and also what that person gives us.  It slowly begins with trust and “reveals a capacity to wonder, and awe and desire. It is a dependency on another, a recognition of life within another, and therefore the beginning of love.”  Falling in love with God was a slow progression.  I remember after my first encounter with Him at a retreat I felt this strong attraction and He occupied all my thoughts, but I was also very distrustful and cautious.  In protestant churches becoming friends with God is a philosophy that is engrained in its followers; thus, I began a friendship with God.  Slowly I opened my heart and life to Him and with an unhurried gentleman approach He slowly wooed me.  Similarly, falling in love with another follows this period of dreaming, of hope and of desire to be known and know the beloved.  Yet, many “folk are not capable of stage one because they refuse to release their hearts to any individual who is not formed or perfect and worthy of their self-donation… If we are waiting around for someone to appear in which we can invest ourselves from a position of total, objective detachment, then we want a job perhaps, not a relationship.” Love loves the imperfect and hopes and believes the best for the other. Developing a healthy friendship first enables us to have the courage to open our heart to anothers and to slowly kill the fears that rise in the process of mutual self-discovery.  

Stage Two: Is a troublesome stage where we begin to see the imperfections of the other person and slowly we lose our nerve and the temptation to end the relationship and leave is quite strong.  It’s a stage of discouragement where many rational problems will appear and our emotions will experience a “dark night of the soul.  We begin to experience our inadequacy and our need and know deeply and darkly that we are imperfect, that we are sinners.  And then we have to be converted in order to live.”  We shouldn’t deny or believe our emotions, but allow ourselves to feel those insecurities with the hope that together with God we can get through it.  After the initial butterflies wore out in my encounter with God, I realized that I had to change a lot because hanging out with a perfect God helped me see my imperfections rather clearly.  I realized that I needed to transform my thoughts, ways and actions – and boy was that scary.  I almost left God and my Christian faith during this revelation, but soon I realized that God cheered me on.  He more than anyone (even me) wanted me to become a better, happier person.  In the same way, as we begin to see the weaknesses of our beloved and in ourselves during this period of deeper revelation it’s important to encourage one another and to help each other see the light not just the darkness.  This period of desert is not a stage that one must encounter or travel alone together with our friend and God we can make the journey that all the saints must make for, “the desert is God’s chosen journey to make saints out of all people… During this period we need people who understand darkness, and by their presence can hold us through to the light.”

Stage Three:  Amazing grace breaks us into stage three.  Here true love begins.  We know that we are imperfect and that our beloved is also flawed, but we are free to love anyway.  This freedom and choice to love opens us to love the way God first loved us.  We begin to see each other through the eyes of God- in the same way He looks at us.  Our love now makes us dependent on the other and we crave for shared life because that’s what God wants for us - to live in community, “shared life is possible because God is shared life. Here honest communication begins.  True listening and healthy obedience are no threat.” When I got to stage three in my relationship with God I knew that I had found the well to life everlasting and I knew that no matter the struggles God and I were in it until the end.  In the same way, when you come to this point in a relationship with another you are ready to become a family.  The relationship is “no longer used simply to work out our own personal goals and agendas, but it’s now enjoyed in itself.  The two now have the possibility of becoming family… This stage is a delightful and holy place to live.  It is a true foretaste of the coming kingdom and communion of saints.”       

Stage Four:  This is the goal we strive to reach and live together “a place of perfect listening, perfect responsiveness and perfect love.”  (I will talk about this stage more in depth tomorrow).

To be continued… Four Stages of Love Part II

The Word Becomes Flesh in Our Relationships

Yesterday, I read a really great piece on how the Word-becomes flesh in our relationships with others.  Like God is a loving relationship between three persons (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) when we join relationships we form community and bring to life a God that is visible to society and to one another, our God becomes flesh.  Baptism initiates us into the family of God and we spend our entire lifetime trying to live up to that call in community, “the reality is Trinity, God is shared life, life in relationship.  Church is the communion of saints, family is both the beginning and the end.”  God asks us to live together in one faith because “God’s basic building block for self-communication is not the “saved” individual… but precisely the journey and bonding process God initiates in marriages, families, tribes, nations, peoples and churches who are seeking to involved themselves in God.” The body of Christ, the spiritual family is God’s strategy of attraction, “until and unless Christ is someone happening between people, the gospel remains largely an abstraction.  Until he is passed on personally through faithfulness and forgiveness, through bonds of union, I doubt whether he is passed on at all… a Trinitarian God is a God relationship. He both knows and is known.  He loves and is loved.  He believes and is believed.  We come to know through the same dialogue…  We come into this world through a relationship called marriage and family.  We come into the kingdom through a set of relationships called the church or spiritual family.”  WOW! 

One of the fears introverts have is being pushy and yesterday as I wrote about initiating relationships I thought that maybe I sounded too aggressive because one day I speak about friendship and the next of relationships.  When I got home I talked to God about all these thoughts that were robbing my peace because my intention is never to put pressure on others.  After talking to Him for some time, I picked up a book I have been reading and the chapter that I read dealt very fittingly with how God made us to be in relationships.  We shouldn’t feel shame for desiring marriage and a family.  God created us and asks us to live in community because “the best teachers of Christ are without doubt fathers, mothers, sons and daughters, brothers and sisters.”  Being part of families and communities is God’s will for us because it is in relationships that God radiates His love.  When communities are formed through faith, love and trust in God, God invites us to participate in what is happening and as a result we want to grow in trusting one another as together we trust in God. However, so that we won’t feel overwhelmed in our relationships there’s a pattern of intimacy that we must follow that reflects the pattern in which we fall in love and encounter God.

When I had my first encounter with God, I fell head-over-heels in love.  I immediately wanted to give my life to Christ by becoming a religious, but as the initial fervor and euphoria reached stability I realized that I was not meant for that vocation.  Then came a period of trial where I began to see the challenges of leading a Catholic life and I began to feel unsure and question whether God was really worth all the trouble.  Followed by a period of dryness, where I wasn’t getting spiritual consolation for living a Christian life.  Then came a moment of grace where I knew that God was more than a feeling, where the truth remained even if my emotions betrayed me.  This period is where real love begins, where we know and accept that our faith is beautiful, but also difficult.  Honest communication begins here and true listening.  Now God and I are becoming family. The last stage is perfect listening, perfect responsiveness and perfect love – which is the stuff saints are made of.  Similarly, our relationships with others follow this path, which I will try to describe better on Monday.  The great thing is that we have begun a friendship and from here we can build so much until we become (in the words of my nephew) best friends forever.    

Living in the Now

Father did a breathing exercise where he had us close our eyes and count how many breaths we took in one minute.  Counting our breaths required great concentration and focus.  This simple meditation served to illustrate how we need to train our minds to learn to live in the present.  Our mind is usually concerned with the past or worried about the future, but rarely does it remain enjoying the present moment.  This is ever so evident when starting relationships with the opposite sex.  Instead of enjoying the newness of every new experience our mind at times tends to do two things: project a past failure onto the new friendship or worry about how we will fit in the life of our beloved.

Props to my photographer!

When I am insecure I think about past failed attempts and project these past failures into my new chance at love.  It’s hard to trust again after past endeavors leave one hurt, that’s why it’s important to have sometime inbetween relationships to allow God to heal us.  Mistakes are crucial to our learning; thus, we should welcome them as teachable moments and not get stuck thinking that something is wrong with us.  We must also remember that each person we date is a whole different experience because the new person we like is not the person in the past who hurt us.  A new person means a new outcome a new possibility. Not all women or men are the same and just because I wasn’t compatible with my past attempt doesn’t mean that I am doomed in my next try.  I am a different girl, with different tastes and a different personality and if it’s God’s will things will continue to mature and grow until He gives you to me (smile).  Yet, forgiveness is powerful and before we move on we have to forgive ourselves and those who hurt us so that we leave that baggage behind and not bring it with us into the new possibility.  We all have been hurt, but this hurt will make us better lovers because we will be able to empathize and better understand others. Thus, look at the new possibility as a fresh start.    

Such a great picture of Father!

Then comes worry about the future.  How will I fit into the life of my beloved? Will he be too busy for me? Will his friends and family like me?  Will he understand my personal needs and weaknesses? Will he find my awkwardness and inexperience charming?  Will the distance be too challenging?  Will we be able to hold a conversation? Will we be compatible? ... The list of worries about the future is infinite.  So many things can cause anxiety and uncertainty about new relationships, it’s very normal.  Yet, as trust is built these fears will slowly disappear.  As you get to know each other and as the love grows all these things will fall into place (smile).  With clear communication everything that now seems like obstacles will be set straight.  Father told a joke during Mass and only a few people got it, so he laughed and said, "in order for you to understand my jokes I need to give you catechesis first."  This stood out because I think that in relationships we need to have a positive spirit that we are both going to learn a great deal from each other and we must have the humility and the ability to laugh at our shortcomings, hopeful that together we can grow and achieve great things.  Worry about the past or future is a waste of time because we can’t control or predict the future and the past is done and gone.  Thus, let’s enjoy the present moment and our creativity in communicating and getting started because one day these moments of initiation might make for a great story! (SMILE)

Jesus, We Trust in You

Yesterday, I went to see “Faustina” the play based on Saint Faustina and while I was expecting to be entertained the production left me in deep contemplation bringing to light many truths that perhaps at the moment I needed.  Art can really connect us to God in such a personal, intimate way.  The play did a great job showing the battle for our soul that takes place between good and evil.  There was this part where Saint Faustina experienced great spiritual dryness and the enemy kept trying to woo her to him, with lies and attempts to place doubt in her heart.  God allowed all to happen to personally and intimately teach Saint Faustina the phrase that is stamped on the painting of the Divine Mercy, “Jesus, I trust in you.”  Throughout her life these moments of uncertainty walking through spiritual desert made her cling to God and to trust Him more and more.  And God, rewarded her fidelity.  The play beautifully showed how slowly Faustina and Jesus built a relationship where no matter the misunderstandings, tribulations and opposition she trusted blindly in Him.  And the more she trusted the more intimate and personal their relationship became.  There came a point where they became such chums that she would joke with Him and all that she asked He granted…  Trust is super important in our relationship with God, but also in our human relationships. 

I have the ability to make girlfriends quite easily, but when it comes to building relationships with men I am very distrustful at first.  Some experiences in my past, made me very suspicious of men and this distrust has played a huge part in my remaining single.  Growing up, I was also quite shy and introverted and all these factors kept me from letting people in, especially men.  Yet, as my relationship with God has grown, He’s slowly healed me and helped me realize that not all men are bad.  God has also placed this great desire in me for marriage and a family and the desire is so strong that I am ready to open up and give love a chance.  However, in order for love to grow, trust has to be built and trust takes time.  That’s why romantic relationships should always begin as friendships.  In friendship we learn to get to know each other really well - slowly, honestly and comfortably.  When dating you usually see the best self of the significant other in friendship we see all sides of the person.  With a friend one is always comfortable around the other person and this comfort enables the revealing of intimate information.  Also, friends make great teammates which make awesome support during problems and challenges.  And friends accept us just the way we are and forgive us when we mess up.   This foundation in friendship makes the progression flow naturally to the next stage of romantic love.

While ideally that’s how relationships should begin, distance and other factors can make developing a friendship a lot more difficult- BUT not impossible.  If God has placed you in a friendship with someone a distance away that means that God intends to help you, God would never place you in a situation and forget you there.  It all begins with trust and trust is built by getting to know your friend deeply and making a mutual commitment to the friendship.  Though I am a private person on Facebook I share who and what is important to me- my posts carry the intention of being known by my cute friend.  I am reliable I check in a few times throughout the day to build that trust.  I try to be open, honest and encouraging.  When things get difficult or there’s misunderstandings I see them as opportunities to grow in friendship.  Eventually little by little things will progress to phone conversations and meeting half way from one another since that’s what friends do.  Yet, one must exercise a lot of patience as trust is built and as both friends establish a comfortable pace for the friendship to grow.  It never hurts to pray along the way too (smile).

Thorn In My Flesh

I see you, being an introvert makes me very attentive to detail and it also means that I don’t open my heart to just anyone.  This week has been rather humbling- my weaknesses have totally been highlighted and this great feeling of vulnerability has been ever present.  I am bipolar and I take two medications to keep my brain balanced- it’s a life prescription.  All week I have been dealing with finding a new psychologist to prescribe my medications because the place I was going to before due to budget cuts closed its doors.  My insurance has been giving me tons of issues in regards to what they cover and my boss hasn’t been too happy to let me go to doctor appointments.  Then one of the medications that I take became really expensive, but luckily it has gone generic which means the price is now affordable.  Slowly things are beginning to work themselves out and next Friday I will be seeing a new doctor that I am hopeful will be my new psychologist.  I don’t do therapy any more I just need someone authorized to prescribe my medications and I think that I have finally found the right person, thanks be to God.

Anyway, while I have been struggling with these health issues, I have felt really vulnerable and downright insecure.  Though God teaches us that nothing we can do can make Him love us more sometimes I wonder if that too applies to people.  Will you accept me bipolar and all?  Though for a bipolar person I am rather balanced, I get scared that this part of me makes me unattractive and even unlovable.  It’s really humbling to have a weakness that one has no control over, yet I think of Saint Paul asking God to remove the thorn from his flesh and later understands that God allows it so that he won’t become conceited and exalt himself, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  When I am weak God shines in me for it is Him who carries me, His strength and glory are magnified by my bipolarness (smile)!  This weakness immediately connects me to Him and makes me completely dependent on Him; this dependence encourages and inspires my faith (smile).

One of the things that I get scared about in regards to this blog is that my readers form an erroneous image of me.  I am not a perfect person, I sin and I have (great and many) weaknesses; but, I am a work in progress and some of my weaknesses will not be corrected this side of heaven and I am learning to make peace with that.  I also get attacked by the enemy he whispers all types of lies especially when I am vulnerable.  Sometimes the bad thoughts momentarily defeat me especially when I am vulnerable, but God always sends an angel to help me see the truth. I am worthy, I am loveable and no amount of bipolar is too big for my God!  Thanks for the support, I love seeing you around it makes me smile GRANDE.