Summer Nights

Catching the Sunset.

I always feel a little weird featuring events that I participate at my parish because I don’t want to appear like someone who attends these events with motives other than my desire to draw closer to God.  I relocated parishes a couple years ago and also moved from practicing my faith strictly in Spanish to serving in the English community.  After many non-Catholic friends kept asking me about my faith I decided that I needed to attend English services so that I could better guide them in their spiritual inquiries.  Thus, I changed parishes to one more near my house.  Every parish differs from one another by the leadership of the pastor.  At Saint Vincent de Paul, Father runs the parish in a manner that promotes community and he’s really involved in parish events.  Yesterday, I attended our annual parish bonfire and like always Father was in attendance and if he was not involved in a game of Cornhole he was making his rounds chatting with all his parishioners.  We are blessed to have a priest that is so involved in the social aspect of his ministry.

Great turnout.

A game of limbo, among other great activities.

The s'more line-up...

After working closely at my previous parish in the Hispanic Council, I got to work with many priests and I realize that they can become overwhelmed with their duties and tend to sacrifice the social aspect to take care of more pressing needs.  While I understand the importance of their work- it’s really nice to be in a parish where Father somehow rearranges everything to be present during moments of jovial communion.  After all the parish community is part of the priest’s family and strong families share laughs as well as tears.  Thus, I believe that priests that can attain that balance and allow time in their schedule for socialization are less likely to burnout. 

Relaxing with friends.

Last night was the first event where my friend who passed away was not in attendance and today I have my first Theology on Tap without him- and while the hope of the promise of the cross gives me peace - the pain and reality that he’s gone continues to solidify.  Services are this Friday and just thinking about it fills me with hurt.  I have taken that day off from work to allow myself to grieve and in doing so begin healing…  We missed him last night- it was tough for members of the young adult ministry to feel his absence – but this pain we feel only attests to the great man he was and the love he earned by being such a delightful believer and friend…

The Last Battle

I finished the Chronicles of Narnia Series on Friday night before heading out to a holy hour in tribute of my friend who passed away.  The Last Battle concluded the series.  God truly works perfectly & timely- am not sure if you have read the last novel of the series (but it soon became my favorite book out of the seven) because it describes the joy and metaphorically paints such a happy picture of the final union with all of our loved ones and Jesus at the end of time.  Characters that had died in the previous novels all returned for the finale and the enjoyable reunion was full of laughter, happiness and mirth.  Reading it felt like a preview at what heaven looks like - of our destiny into eternity: “But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before...”  God reminded me that though my loved ones will die - at the end God wins and He has promised our triumphant reunion.

Finishing The Last Battle before I went into prayer really gave me strength and more than anything hope.  I imagined my friend reuniting with all his loved ones and with Jesus our God and his premature death seemed like a celebrated trip home: “I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life...”  Though death is tough and painful God provides such a beautiful plan through the cross.  He dies to give us life everlasting! He dies to unify us to Him forever and to bring us home.  What goodness and fortune awaits all of us.

Loved the Artwork!

All books had little bits that really spoke to my heart.  I loved that Narnia has talking animals because I believe in heaven we will have the animals God selected to aid Him in leading us home- like my doggie (smile)!  I enjoyed that every time trouble came in such overwhelming forms the children called to Aslan and he would quickly jump into the story- much like our God when we call to Him in our moments of weakness.  I can’t wait to share these stories with me nephew and to watch the movies- since I have never seen any!  Art at its very best always connects us to God and thus I highly recommend these novels!  They are so beautifully fantastical, full of optimism, love and drenched in the pure Spirit of God! Great job C.S.Lewis!

King of the Jungle

We are all born with a desire to belong.  Usually those desires are momentarily satisfied within a loving family, then as we grow we add friends and eventually we yearn for intimacy with a singular person.  Some discern religious vocation after falling madly in love with God - while others fall in love with another person and start the family unit all over again. We all yearn for love – to love and to be loved… On Saturday, my friend and I watched Tarzan put on by MTOC.  The musical highlights many important themes like: the need to belong, the importance of family in survival, the beauty of falling in love, among others.  Yet, what caught my attention on Saturday was Tarzan’s family of apes.  This family of wild beasts take in this little boy and love him as their own.  While I understand it’s a fictional story- I kept thinking that God’s love is all around us and it’s not imprisoned in human cages, but travels throughout creation.  While many of us struggle searching for a very specific type of love – God made everything chiefly for our enjoyment- out of love!

As Tarzan becomes a man he starts to notice that he’s not like the other apes and his inner identity struggle begins.  When he finds Jane he realizes that there’s others like him and he can’t explain why he can’t stay away from her.  Similarly, each of us go through periods of identity crisis where we feel a great disconnect from our families and desire to meet someone like me.  While falling in love with another person really is magic- eventually feelings plateau and we are left feeling unsatisfied again.  Our little, inner compass pulls us towards something bigger than ourselves and it is when we find God that having Him is enough and the desire to belong is satisfied when we realize that we are part of Kingdom of God. 

“You’ll be in my heart always.” Tarzan        

The Kingdom of God

My friend died last night- and I was left behind without telling him so many things that I waited too long to say and will forever remain unsaid.  As he left our young adult group last week I didn’t say good bye nor gave him a hug thinking he would be there at the next church function. Then last night as I sat at a brewery celebrating a birthday I got the news that he was at the hospital without a pulse.  I rushed to the emergency room hoping to say good bye to tell him that I loved him in Christ and that his life enriched mine.  That the note he gave me at the teen retreat motivated my conversion, that I enjoyed sharing a drink with him at Theology on Tap meetings- that I admired his kindness and close relationship to his mom and family.  I wanted to say those things that often go unsaid because I was afraid they would be taken the wrong way or maybe because I thought I had more time with him.  He was a good man, a good friend and a devoted Catholic…

Late last night, as I made my way into my bed I hugged (the only one awake at that time) my dog and held onto him enjoying his warmth and his reciprocating licks.  I begged God for more time with those I love, but I realize that I don’t need more time what I need is to make better use of my present.  My friend was in his mid-thirties and now he is no more in this world.  While knowing that he’s home- that he beat all of us there- it’s difficult to be left behind. 

He was a high school teacher - and teacher that he was, he continues to teach me that youth cannot be taken for granted.  That I need to live with passion.  That every day is a blessing and perhaps our last.  That the not knowing when we will be separated from our loved ones needs to motivate us to be better friends, brothers, sons, people of faith…  That life is a gift and we must never take it for granted.  I’m still in shock and have shed many tears- because as a person of faith I still hurt and follow the same grieving process – but I have hope in God and I know that my friend is happily and eternally home.     

Paz Y Bien

A Franciscan parish I found in Puerto Rico.

I was born in a home full of animals… My fondest memories include taking care of rabbits, chicks, goats, etc. in the small farm we found ourselves in Mexico.  My dad assigned me the duty of taking care of the offspring and many an hour were spent looking after my little friends.  To this day I am more natural, comfortable and truly me around animals, specifically dogs.  When I returned to the Catholic faith after spending a few years at an evangelical church (and many more as an agnostic) the whole notion of saints disturbed me- and maybe that’s why God gave me Saint Francis of Assisi as the saint that won my heart.  In a Jovenes para Cristo meeting, acoustic guitar was added to the “Prayer for Peace” and I remember hearing it for the first time and my whole soul rejoiced and I fell deeply in love with Saint Francis.  As I continued in my faithful path I learned some great stories about Saint Francis like the taming of the wolf and his ability to talk with animals and my admiration improved.  Though some stories are stuff of legend, the more I learned about him through Little Flowers of Saint Francis or Chesterton’s biography of my beloved saint my heart yearned to imitate his spirituality.  I yearned for simplicity, for the natural world and for humility.

Socializing at the dog park.

Future Lay Franciscan.

As years have passed since my introduction to Brother Francis, my connection to him has grown.  Every place that I have traveled I find a parish, monastery or just a happy statue or painting of him and I can’t help, but feel like he follows me (smile).  Through example, he has helped my relationship with God become more intimate and he's given me a look into the heart of our Creator that I love.  He’s taught me to enjoy a sunset, a cloudy day or my father’s flowers for I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these (smile). 

Though I don’t know much about the Catholic saints- only until recently have I started reading the lives of saints (because I am a Jesus nerd)- Saint Francis began my introduction into the exemplary lives of many who took the gospel and brought it to life without changing it simply making it completely their own.  And he’s a saint my heart favors (wink).  I admire the life change he made and his ability to give up everything for God.  A friend said that I shouldn't favor any of the saints, but I can't help to be drawn to this incredible man who left such a strong legacy in the name of Christ. Do you have a favorite saint?   

Taking a stroll.

He's Just Not Into You

Earlier in the year, Father and I had an extremely productive conversation on how to become more rational and practical in matters of the heart.  As a woman my role is to WAIT to be pursued and while men might find our part in the courting process as the easier of the two – it’s extremely difficult.  It requires patience, prayer and wisdom.  In the courting process initially the woman gives the man signs that she’s interested and waits to be pursued.  During the wait she prayerfully and reasonably decides whether this man is interested or not.  If he is interested then things will move forward for the two, but if he’s not then she needs to come to terms with it and move onward.  The process always requires progression, but many times women get stuck making excuses for men that don’t pursue them: “he must be busy that’s why he returned my text two days later, he needs help so I’ll start all of our conversations, he’s just shy…”  In addition, sometimes the council of well-meaning friends makes the whole process more difficult.  The thing is that if a man is into you he will pursue and you will know it and there won’t be a reason to provide excuses for his lack of interest.

I have a really full life- my family, friends and church community enrich my life and diminish any feeling of loneliness.  Yet, until recently, when a man that I was interested in didn’t pursue me I lost my peace.  The desire for that person to want me, made me miserable until I realized that the problem is in the want.  The Apostle Paul tells us that the secret of being content in any and every situation is Christ.  Thus, when our focus gets shifted away from Him we are opening ourselves to pain.  Father advised me to continue repeating he’s not into me until I am standing next to my spouse reciting our vows (smile).  His advice sounds rather silly, but it really works at helping maintain my peace. 

Courting is complicated and emotionally exhausting!  It requires a lot of humility and vulnerability – but am sure when we meet our one-and-only it’s worth the struggle (smile).  It’s also for the mighty in strength because it requires courage to get up and try again.  

We are in This Struggle Together

Exploring Nature with the King of my heart.

I am a doubting Thomas.  I identify with his skepticism and his refusal to believe without tangible evidence.  He waited to trust in the resurrection of Jesus until he could see and feel the wounds.  As a young teen I left the church specifically because I thought science and religion couldn’t coexist.  Believing that I had to make a choice- I chose science.  Recently I was reading Chesterton’s Orthodoxy.  In the book, Chesterton plays with the idea of fairy tales and how no human being has ever lost his sanity by believing in magic, but many great philosophers have gone mad trying to devoid the world of God.  I also, read The Case for Christ and listened to many lectures by Father Robert Spitzer where they both provide scientific evidence for Intelligent Design.  While God has provided a lot of information to help me reconcile science and religion in my life- I still have doubts.  I constantly ask Him to place my hands on His wounds because my suspicion is so great.

Happiness is a smiling dog!

I think the biggest battle in my spiritual life is prayer.  Is He listening?  Does He care? Will He hear my cries and provide help?  The answer through faith is yes.  According to scripture and Catholic Tradition God is involved in our daily struggles, He didn’t create the world and placed us in it to just leave and watch from afar never interceding.  He cares!  Yet, I doubt when I pray and I don’t hear an answer right away- or when the answer is no.  I doubt when I want something or am praying for someone and all I get is silence.  I been thinking lately of the man that asked Jesus to heal his son and cried out, “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.”  Help my unbelief.  The Apostle Paul talks about a thorn that he pleaded for God to take from him, but God said no and Paul realized that through this thorn he depended on God for sustenance.  I need God (I know life without Him) and I choose God.  I pray even when I don’t feel like it, even when I doubt I pray because I believe in Jesus Christ.  Sometimes I pray that He helps my unbelief, other times I ask Him to let me feel His wounds.

Though I have had great confirmations of the power of prayer, I still struggle.  Yet, when I think of Exodus and how many times God provided tangible evidence to the prayers of His people and they still doubted- I realize that I am weak and it is in weakness that God loves most to create...  Whatever my struggles, I have made my choice to follow God all the way to heaven and there’s no amount of unbelief that will keep me from surrendering my life to Him who my heart adores (smile).    

He's MINE!

The State of My Heart…

I haven’t written about the progress towards my one-and-only in sometime and a friend asked me just yesterday for the state of my corazón.  My heart is full of love and the desire to release it at the given time that God tells me so.  It’s still dormant and following God’s will to not awaken until love so desires.  I think that has been what I have been working on lately- to not give my heart away too soon.  To not be clouded by my romantic spirit, but to follow my heart with caution and reason.  I don’t have a lot of experience in dating nor in the opposite sex.  Ninety-nine percent of my friends are women.  I mentioned before that I have only been in one relationship and have gone on two dates since my break-up almost a decade ago.  When I am around men I’m attracted to I stumble, my speech gets tangled and I have difficulty carrying on a conversation- sometimes it’s easier to resort to silence.  If my relationship with a man could be done through writing I might have a chance- since it’s in writing that I find most of my courage & clarity (smile).  Yet, I know that God wants me to grow and to take me out of my comfortable, intimate circle into an arena where I will be challenged to mature in love. 

I have a tendency to be the person that falls in love first in the relationship- I give my heart too easily and usually end up hurt.  My sister who knows me best, tells me that I need to fall for men that love me first- meaning I need to wait to give my heart until I know for sure that my love is reciprocated.  Father Morrow, too, told me that when my heart wants to move emotionally too fast I need to keep repeating "he’s not into me" and allow the man to do the pursuing.  For if a man is into me he will pursue.  As logical and simple as both the advice Father and my sister offered – I finally agree that in order to protect my heart I need to be more practical. 

Next month I am going to the National Singles Conference, that’s my next attempt at finding love.  I must confess that since the singles cruise and after my failed attempt with the Ave Maria Dating Website I haven’t put myself out there.  However, I am content knowing that I am actively doing my part and trust in God that when I am ready for my hubby God will place Him in my life. Until then I am guarding my heart in a more proactive manner and enjoy the blessings of single life (smile).       

Eres Mi Religion

Floating… I lay my head on the water and let go of my body trusting that the water will push me up and I will float. One with the water I open my eyes and see nothing but blue sky with sparse clouds.  My obsessive mind slowly shuts down as thoughts of God begin to emerge. A bible verse at first, then a prayer of thanksgiving- followed by whispers leaving my lips. True love forgives.  Am not sure how long I floated lost in prayer, but after entering the depths of the prayer room that throughout the years God & I have built together it's difficult to return to the world.  When I pray, especially when I do it while I am on vacation I always have a difficult time returning to my life- how I wish God would call me home at that very moment- am ready...  

Santa Barbara Mission

God is good all the time!

Over the weekend my friends and I went to the beautiful Santa Barbara for a short getaway. Among the fourth of July celebrations, touring some of the most popular sites, enjoying a glass of wine at one of the wineries and simply relaxing in the pool I return to my routine more rested, relaxed and so in love with God.  God knew that I needed to get away to return to Him (again).  To run into His arms and renew that passion that for the past few months I have been lacking.  I feel like God is calling me into a deeper relationship with Him - into a more grown up love.  After months of dryness the simple act of calling to Him while I floated on the hotel swimming pool renewed me inside.  I think that’s probably what most marriages and relationships require- constant renewal.

Mis amigas del alma.

On Sunday, as we made our way to the Santa Barbara Mission one of my favorite Maná songs came on the car radio, “Eres Mi Religion”…  The song debuted in the fall of 2002, when I was madly in love with my ex-boyfriend and this song was a song that represented who he was to me at the time.  The lyrics speak of a man who was so depleted in an utter state of devastation - and love came into his life in the form of a woman and she became his all- his religion.  That’s how I used to feel about my ex-boyfriend and when the relationship ended I was shattered.  I know I am not the only person who has placed all hopes on a human being only to then become utterly hurt.  As I listened to this AMAZING song before exiting the car to tour the grounds of the mission I realized that God is my religion now!  How fitting that this song would come on the radio at this specific moment to remind me of my spiritual growth and to woo me into a deeper love con mi Papi Dios.  Only God will never disappoint, heal and love unconditionally with such a strength that having Him alone is enough: “Eres Tu mi bendicion eres mi Luz eres mi Sol.. eres Tu mi religion…”

Enjoying the parade with my beautiful Goddaughter.

Confession: The Truth Will Set You Free

Yesterday, I went to Courtyard Theology, an event held at my parish during the warmer months that provides great talks on spirituality.  We gather outside in the courtyard at my parish and share pizza, salad and wine while listening to a great speaker.  I attended the event after being MIA from parish events for some time and God received me with arms wide open.  Father gave a talk on evangelization using Pope Francis' exhortation “Evangelii Guadium: The Joy of the Gospel.”  While I read the exhortation earlier this year it was refreshing to hear the practical words of our church leader again.  God knows me so well- as I near my one year blog anniversary I began to feel like I was the least adequate person to be attempting to evangelize here.  I am a sinner – I sin daily, even hourly – I am not proud of my falls.  Sometimes I repeat the same sins over and over and I get so discouraged concentrating on my weaknesses and knowing that I have failed again…  Sometimes I let my sins pile up so high that I feel the heavy weight of my burden on my shoulders- yet getting myself to confession is not an easy task.  Not because I fear the priests reprimands, but because I have to find the humility to become accountable for all my wrongs and voice them so that I can reconcile with God and my church community.

The heaviness of my sins has finally made me seek my Spiritual Doctor and unload all of the wrongs I have carried these past months.  This afternoon I will make my way into the confessional.  As a former evangelical I used to confess my sins to God one-on-one and now as a Catholic I do it through a priest.  To be honest I try harder at doing an honest examination of conscience now that I confess to a priest.  I spend more time thinking of what I have done wrong and thus really repenting for my sins.  I even write a list ahead of time and go into the confessional with a plan to leave all my sins at the feet of the cross. I hunger for reconciliation and for God’s grace to start anew. Confession is more than good for the soul it’s good for the whole person.  I have learned great lessons inside a confessional and I enjoy the feedback I get back from the priest.  It’s never pray a Hail Mary and I am absolved - no the priest gives me tips on how to conquer my weaknesses and his words provide hope and opportunities for personal and spiritual growth.

The first time I went to confession after my return to the Catholic church- I expected reprimands, shouts of disappointment and angry words from the priest. Instead, I found a friend who guided me through the sacrament and gave me such kind and hopeful words.  Since then, I have confessed more or less to the same priest and he always gives me such optimistic advice.  While forgiveness comes only from God, it’s such a blessing to have Father’s helpful direction.