Little by Little

I read that because dogs only have short years to live they don’t squander their time – utilizing their days to give love, “because time is limited, there is no time to be unhappy.”  To further that thought, I believe that dogs don’t waste days hiding how they feel.  Every day when I arrive home Dollar acts like it’s the best day of his life – meeting me at the door, tail dancing in the air.  He follows me while I place my things down and if I don’t stop to acknowledge him with a warm caress he lets out a dramatic cry, which always makes me laugh.  When I am home he follows me like a second shadow resting only when I sit. He’s always aware of where I am at, ready to come to my assistance too innocent to let pride get in the way of him displaying his love and admiration.  I envy that he can so easily wear his heart on his sleeve without fear of rejection, it’s as if in his world rejection has no meaning, but maybe it’s because he’s always belonged to a loving a family.  Am sure animals that are abused eventually shut down, just like humans who have been hurt build walls to protect themselves.

I have been reading CS Lewis’ The Problem of Pain, in it he makes this assertion that people do not lack self-love.  For example, if my tooth is hurting I go to the dentist to correct the problem- if I didn’t love myself I would not address the pain choosing to suffer instead.  It is so that my life is full of decisions that keep me from hurt.  From a young age we all learn to keep safe- while in our youth the pain we protect ourselves is mostly physical (scraped knees, electrocution, burns, etc.) as we grow up we realize that the emotional and psychological ails, hurt just as much if not more.  With each rejection I add a brick to my wall of defenses and before I know it I am really good at not showing my emotions.  In my life I have experienced all types of pain, the type of hurt that leave scars so deep that without God I don’t think I would have been able to heal - some wounds are still in the process of healing.  For many years I was afraid to show my feelings because I felt like I wouldn’t be able to cope with any more rejection.  I still personalize rejection- believing the first thoughts that come when I have been refused: “you’re not good enough, something is wrong with you, you will never find happiness…” 

Sometimes I still find myself believing those negative emotions because I can be quite sensitive, but just like my little wolf whimpers when I ignore him - I "sigh" and God comes to my assistance.  When I am experiencing self-doubt and anxiety I run to God- sometimes I go to Chapel and talk to him, other times I go out into nature and remind myself that God controls bigger things so he can more than handle my silly problems and if I really need to quiet my mind I pick up a faith book to push the negative feelings out with Truth: “I am enough, nothing is wrong with me and I am for the most part happy…”  I’ve never been good at showing my affection to people of the opposite sex (I am a survivor of sexual molestation), but God is teaching me that not all men are evil and that I need to let my guard down if I want someone to come thru, sometimes the urge to protect myself overpowers my desire to let others in, but God reminds me “poco a poco” after all Rome wasn’t built in a day (smile).