After my brother died, I attended several Christian churches
where confession happened privately between the person and God without an
intermediary, but as the Eucharist was calling me home I kept thinking of the
Sacrament of Reconciliation. Since my
first communion, I hadn’t gone to confession with a priest until I was thinking
of returning to the Catholic Church - almost twenty years later. I remember the day I finally made the
decision I went to Saint Barbara Catholic Church and stood in line waiting for
my turn to go into the confessional all along carrying this great anxiety. Mostly,
I was thinking about receiving penance and because I didn’t understand the
concept I kept telling God that if I was given a few Hail Mary’s I would be
disappointed. Of course, there was also
the concern that the priest was going to be judgmental, maybe even mean when I
shared my sins; however, what pressed most deeply, was the penance I would get
– how could a few repetitive prayers cleanse me of my sins?
When my turn came I went inside and knelt down next to the
screen window and I repeated a phrase I had often heard in movies, “forgive me
Father for I have sinned.” Then I told
the priest that I had no idea what I was doing and with great patience he
guided me through my first confession as an adult. When it came to a close, I waited for my
penance and it never came. So, I asked
him if it was ok for me to pray in the parish and attend Mass even though I had
so much confusion about Catholicism. He
let out a little laugh and said that it was my home. Still no penance. Finally, he said I could go in peace and I
walked back into the world without the list of Hail Mary’s I thought all
penitents received after confession. I
sat in the pew marveling at how wonderful God is because I was so apprehensive
about penance and I didn’t get any. In
fact, my initial times in confession I left the confessional without any
penance and I realized that God was making me comfortable – working at my pace
in my Catholic conversion.
Without planning I went to my first confessions with the
same priest and each time he made the experience more positive. Around the third time he asked me to come
around and sit right next to him (as if we were two friends) this invitation
helped when he handed me a copy of the Act of Contrition and told me quite
directly, “I know you don’t know this part, but I would like you to learn it.
Today you can read it.” Each time I went
to confession God revealed a little more about the ritual and the way that
little bits were presented to me over a long period of time really helped my
conversion. The day I finally received
penance it had nothing to do with praying three Hail Mary’s, but more on
correcting actions to mend my wrongs and praying for God to help me…
I still get tense when going to confession because I am
aware of my weaknesses those that have led me to sin; but, I love that in the
Catholic Church confession is a Sacrament.
That there’s a clear ritual that teaches each of us how to seek
forgiveness and bring us back into community. I love the examination of
conscience because it helps me to really spend time thinking and becoming aware
of my sins. I love that a priest serves
as the presence of God – one that helps me by being His ears and His voice to
guide me in this world. I even love penance because NOW I understand its
significance one that aims to help us grow in holiness. Going from a person who went directly to God
to repent of my sins, I find the Catholic ritual makes me more accountable and
boy is it nice to go into that confessional with a list on my sins and to come
out and tear that list and place it in the trash knowing that I am back in
harmony. Through the ritual and with the
help of the priest, I find that I spend more time and effort than I ever did before
(when it was just God and I) thinking of how I failed and desiring to confess,
ask for forgiveness and reconcile with God and His Church. The wisdom of the Catholic Church truly is
beautiful (smile).
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