Fear & Loneliness

Lately my actions have been selfish and motivated by my own fears and insecurities.  Sometimes, I need a good cry to clear my thoughts, so last night I went to adoration because I needed to be alone with God, just the two of us.  There while I was shedding tears during the start of a novena I realized that I have been terribly selfish.  I was thinking only of myself and the struggles that lately I have been inwardly battling.  I was so consumed by my own challenges that I forgot to be kind and I hurt someone I care about a great deal.  Recently, I met a woman who lives alone in a finely decorated apartment, she’s elderly and never married.  She shared with me how lonely she feels.  How just a few years back her home had been a place of much activity, but now her nieces and nephews had grown up and her sister died.  Her life has changed drastically and though she belongs to the choir at her local parish and has good Catholic friends she feels lonely coming home to an empty house.  In some way she feels abandoned.  I listened to her without being able to offer much in terms of consolation and as I went home I began to get the biggest case of fear.  I was terribly afraid of my future.  I was afraid of one day becoming her.  So, I freaked out and when I allow myself to be consumed by fear – me actions are disastrous. 

Last night as I read the readings of the day I found such comfort in the first reading because God always provides.  I’ve always been fascinated by the narrative of Sarah’s miracle baby, but last night it gave me a new type of hope.  Fear will always come knocking and try to rob me of my peace, but if I remain in God if I stamp His words in my heart I will build a wall so thick - fear wont penetrate it.  I was thanking God for giving me this reading on a day where I needed so much guidance and then I got to the Psalm and I just lost it, “those who seek the Lord want for nothing.”  I was afraid of growing old alone and in seven words (the perfect number); God annihilated that fear.  Meeting this woman made me focus on my fear instead of thinking that He might have put her in my life so that I can be her friend and help her through her loneliness.  All I thought about was all those ladies I see abandoned at the senior center I volunteer at and I became terrified.  So, terrified that my actions were destructive.

I am not sure if the damage I have caused is beyond repair.  I am sure that I haven’t been healed completely of this fear, but at least I have become aware of it.  This awareness sends me back to the beginning of my faith journey, when a priest told me that depression sometimes comes from focusing too much on self.  My eyes diverted from God to my fear and I became the center of attention and without Him I succumbed to my insecurities.  Focusing on self does more damage than just depression.  As I write this, I am staring at a picture of Saint John Paul II and I am reminded of the scriptural words he constantly repeated, “Do not be afraid.”  I truly am sorry.